“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.” Proverbs 31:25

Steve and I were enjoying a care-free Saturday afternoon, out running errands, holding hands, just having fun. We had just come through one of those typical weeks of busy-every-night, too much to do, not enough hours to do, etc. etc. I knew I had been a little stressed, a little short-tempered, a little low on kindness. But I didn’t know how that had affected my man. Until, on this breathe-easy Saturday, he casually said, “I like this a lot better. You are more fun today. Can we just have fun?”

It was like one of those moments you pass by a mirror; like when you’ve been out in public all evening, thinking you were looking really good, only to discover as you saw yourself in the mirror, that you weren’t looking that good at all! The hair had been blown, somehow the mascara had run, and what made me think I should wear this? The mirror reveals. The mirror had shown me the truth about myself. I had no idea.

“Can we just have fun?” And I saw myself through the mirror of his eyes. I saw the truth about how ugly I had been that week, and it was NOT attractive. How long had it been since I had laughed? How had I come to take myself and life so seriously? He didn’t want perfection; he just wanted to have fun.

The Proverbs 31 woman could laugh. She could laugh at days to come, meaning, she wasn’t worried or taking them too seriously. She somehow was secure, at peace, and not anxious about what may or may not happen. How did she get there? The first part of the verse catches my attention: “She is clothed with strength and dignity…”. I’m guessing she looked good in that clothing choice, attracting and not repelling her husband! My footnote says that “clothed with strength and dignity” is the opposite of “clothed with shame and discgrace”. And a light-bulb goes on for me. Is it possible that I have dealt with my failures and fears by beating myself up to the point of shame and disgrace?

After 25 years of marriage, I’m finally discovering that much of the pressure I live under I have put on myself! I ‘imagine’ what I think Steve must be thinking, disapproving of, and I take on the guilt of it; while, in reality, he had never voiced disapproval at all! I realize when I don’t live up to the ‘wife’ image that i think I should reach, I internally beat myself up, berate myself, and get angrier and angrier at myself all the while. This downward spiral causes me to be short with the kids, the circumstances, and the husband who has that blank look on his face that says, “What? Did I say I was disappointed in you?”

Maybe I was putting a bit too much stock in getting it all right! Maybe the burned rolls don’t mean I’m a terrible cook. Maybe the bent fender does not confirm my suspicion that I can’t do anything right. Maybe the hair blown upside down should be funny and not the loss of all hope of beauty! And maybe I have forgotten that my identity and worth are not determined by how clean the house is or how perfectly the meal turned out! Maybe my worth comes from only one unchanging source: the love of my heavenly Father! And maybe when I remember that he paid the highest price to make me his own, I will remember the true value of my life, how much I am worth to Him.

And suddenly, I am free to laugh. I can laugh at the burned dinner, the dented fender, and the bad hair day. I can laugh when I forget to pick up the son from practice or call my best friend on her birthday! When my worth and my identity are not based on how well I do, but how much I am loved, I feel the pressure roll off. I take a big, deep breath. And I smile.

I hold his hand a little tighter, surrender the future to my Father, and begin to just have fun. I wanna be the kind of wife he actually enjoys being around, the kind who can see my mistakes as actually quite comical; the kind of wife who laughs!