Today!!   Today is our 30th Wedding Anniversary!!!  30 Years!!! 

Thank you, Father God.

This last week,  our kids took us out to celebrate.  It was one of those nights that we parents cherish more than our kids will ever know;  one of those you know you will never forget;  one that we’ll thank God for all the days we have on this earth… and all the ones we’ll have in heaven, too.

They planned a beautiful night for us, brought us flowers, shared stories, and graciously let us reminisce.  They read us letters from young couples whom we’ve mentored, which blessed us and honored us and made us cry.  And they listened when we had that moment of trying to put into words all that we wanted to say, all we wanted them to remember and take away from our very imperfect attempt at 30 years.

“Kids,” I said.  “You need to know.  Marriage is work:  if you see any success in ours, if you feel any of the joy that we have known, know this:  your dad has exemplified an unselfishness in our marriage that has left me speechless.  If you remember anything: remember the ways your dad has served me (and you) when he did not have to.  Remember the ways he continually put himself last, and did things to bless me, and sacrificed his own wants and comforts to love me well.   This one thing:  serving each other unselfishly – is God’s plan and His path to a fulfilling and joyful marriage.  It’s getting up early to provide for your family, it’s shoveling the walk when it’s 10 below zero, it’s letting out the dog when no one else wants to get up, it’s selfless leadership. Yes, it’s encouraging, romancing, laughing, and loving, but in all of these – it’s finding joy by laying your wants and rights down for the other.  It’s selfless.   I pray you will love this way, boys.  I pray you will remember.”     (In all honesty, I wasn’t that eloquent in the moment.  I was blubbering and emotional.  But praise God for blogs and boys that read them… I get another chance at saying what I was trying to say through the emotions …)

We looked at our two sons, so proud of the ways they are caring for their young ladies, overwhelmed by God’s goodness and grace that they have become such amazing people, and are following hard after our God.   We looked at their two young ladies, and I could not stop the tears as it washed over me again:  how could God be so good to answer our prayers that we have prayed since they were babies and bring them such amazing women of God?  How can we thank God enough for the ways they laugh and love and bring out the best in each other?  How is it possible that after having two sons, God can create a love in our hearts for daughters that have entered our lives and stolen our hearts and brought us such joy?

This is a picture of God’s kingdom.  A glimpse of His heart.  A picture, though imperfect, of God’s desire for family and marriage and adoption and union.  Just think!!  If this is the joy we can taste, even in brief moments here on earth, how much more will be our joy when we are all united in perfect oneness and family in heaven?!!!   How much more will we love and know and cherish each other when we all reach our eternal home, where we will never be separated again, and this love will never end?   How good really is God?   How much does He love us?  There are no words.

“Look with wonder at the depth of the Father’s marvelous love that he has lavished on us!  He has called us and made us his very own beloved children.”  1 John 3: 1

If you’re still reading this blog, and have yet to know this God who knows you, hear our hearts:  there is no one like Him.  He is our strength, our grace, our forgiveness and our joy.  He is our way, our truth, and our very life.  We pray you will press on to know him more.    It’s the best thing you could do for you – and your marriage!

And how do we end 30 days of celebrating?  We’ve been pretty blown away by the kind responses we’ve had from you, our friends we know and the new friends we don’t know yet, who have been following this blog and our journey of celebrating 30 years.  We just wanted to say thanks for going on this journey with us.

Thank you  for celebrating with us!  For reading these very long blogs (I’ve never been known for brevity…),  for your kind responses, and for reaching out to let us know how God might be blessing YOUR marriage through them.  And thanks for caring enough about marriages to spend some time with us.    We told you before – we are praying for you and would love it if you would pray for us.  We pray our marriages would continue to be a picture of God’s great love for us and the joyful union he desires to have with us, His people.

We pray blessings on you and your marriages today!  May you get to celebrate 30, 50, 60 years someday!   And no matter how long you’ve been married, may you celebrate TODAY, one day at a time – by cherishing and honoring and serving and loving each other  well.

“May the Lord bless you and protect you.  May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you.  May the Lord show you his favor and give you his peace.”  Numbers 6:24

“So I’m asking you, my friends, that you be joined together in perfect unity – with one heart, one passion, and united in one love.  Walk together with one harmonious purpose and you will fill my heart with unbounded joy.  Be free from pride-filled opinions, for they will only harm your cherished unity.  don’t allow self-promotion to hide in your hearts, but in authentic humility, put (your spouse) first and view (your spouse) as more important than yourselves.  Abandon every display of selfishness.  Possess a greater concern for what matters to (your spouse) instead of your own interests.  And consider the example that Jesus, the Anointed One has set before us.  Let his mindset become your motivation.”   Philippians 2: 2-5

His mindset?  This is Jesus’ words to us all:   “So this is my command:  Love each other deeply, as much as I have loved you.  For the greatest love of all is a love that sacrifices all.  And this great love is demonstrated when a person sacrifices their life for their friends.”  

And their spouse.

(We’re off to Switzerland and Austria to celebrate!  And have fun!!!!!)

2018

Lessons learned in 30 years of Marriage

As Lori and I have talked about this blog, the intent, the opportunity to share our lives in an effort to help others more quickly identify and overcome some of the real challenges we have faced, and the overwhelming gratitude we have for each other and our lives together, I wanted to provide some more direct “Guys perspective”.  Our relationship and marriage has been like most meaningful relationships in that the real gold or depth is found in sharing both the highs and the lows and knowing that we are in it with each other no matter what….we made a covenant with God that says just that.

As a man I see many things differently than Lori.  We are wired differently by God in His masterplan to have the two of us be exponentially better together than we are apart.  Our society has created a perception that the man or the woman needs to “Win/Lead/Control” which can create a competitive dynamic for marriage in our households instead of a cooperative/complimentary context.  I believe my primary role in life is to help Lori to reach her full potential in Christ; she feels her greatest opportunity in life is the same…..having her reach her full potential… No,  helping me reach MY full potential in Christ.  That sets the foundation for me looking for ways to serve her, encourage her, challenge her and to love her well and she does the same for me.

So guys why do our marriages seem so hard and overwhelmingly complicated some times?  Why do we feel like we are trying hard to provide for the family, communicate well, and encourage our wives, and yet they are not responding – or perhaps respond in a way that speaks……it’s just not enough?  I think I might be able to clarify a few things that can ease some marital frustration and increase the hanky panky opportunities:

1. Lead in the moment until it becomes natural. Many men can see leading someone else, girlfriend, wife, family as a very large task that requires doctorate level education or experience.  My advice is that leading happens best when taken in small intentional pieces.  Lead in the moment with small things, serving her first, anticipating her needs before they arise, being present in the moment.  Taking the little steps consistently creates big results.  You don’t have to have a master plan for the rest of your lives!!
2. Her emotions are very REAL….to her. I find that many of my most frustrated moments over our 30 years of marriage have been based on Lori’s expression of emotion and not really the topic we are working through.  Because of that, and the fact that we are wired differently, I have had a tendency to “put up with the emotions” to get to the real issues.  Experience tells me that I need to look at Lori in her entirety and address how the situation is making her feel and not just the situation.  Her feelings matter and they are a large part of loving her well.
3. Ask more questions guys… Lori is a highly relational person and she finds great enjoyment using words, engaging with other people and having deep conversation on relational topics.  I’m a relational person as well but I hit my word maximum for the day around 3:00 p.m.   Then it’s a struggle…. I would suggest that most women want to be discovered, over and over again.  Lori calls it pursuing.  Lori wants to be valued, engaged, sacrificed for because each time I do that I make a very positive emotional deposit in her and our relationship.  Asking questions is a great on ramp to that pursuit and connection.  Be intentional in this area, initiate, then LISTEN men!!!  Women, the best thing you can do as your part in this is respect the effort not the execution at first.  As with many things, we should encourage things that we want to see more of in our marriages.  Ask good questions and compliment often, more hanky panky is just around the corner.

Ladies, I feel guys can be placed in a very difficult position these days as it relates to initiating.  As an example, I was raised to open doors for women as a show of respect and honor, so I do so often.  Recently I was given a harsh look and told by a woman that she was quite capable of opening the door for herself.  My intent was to honor and her interpretation of my action did not align with that intent.

Guys please don’t take this as an excuse for you not to initiate, rather ladies please understand today’s environment and how it can cause men to hesitate.  Being clear, there are also some flat out lazy men who have become firmly placed in selfishness and blame because they have chosen not to initiate meaningful conversation with their wives to address the real issues in their relationship.  As Lori has stated in prior blogs, we have wrestled with many issues, emotions and heartaches but ultimately come to the conclusion that Jesus calls us to a cooperative marriage where we look to help each other grow to our God given best in His Kingdom.

In closing , the single greatest attribute to our marriage beyond our covenant with God is that we always try to HAVE FUN and not take ourselves and our situations too seriously.  Reality is, God is leading and we are listening and following Him.  How can that not be a great, FUN adventure!!

April Love is actually a song and a movie that came out in 1957, when love and marriage were a bit more simple, seemingly more innocent, maybe what our hearts long for today.  (If I knew how, I’d have you play the song while reading this particular blog post… maybe you can hum it… or play it on your phone…  “April Love…. ”  So sweet…)

Steve’s parents were married in 1956 in Evansville, IN, and enjoyed 60 years as man and wife before Steve’s dad went home to heaven last spring.   Theirs was a marriage of deep love and honor and serving each other.  How much we learned from them!!

My parents were married in 1962 in Gas City, IN.  My dad was fresh out of college and my mom was 18.  Yes, 18 years old.  They’ve been married 55 years, and still inspire us every day to love hard, laugh hard, and lay down our lives as they have done for each other… and their kids.  How we long to love well as they do.

My Dad’s parents on the right were married in a farmhouse near Fairmount, IN, in 1937.  They were married 60 years.  Bob and Anna lived through WWII with my Grandfather being far away for over 2 years when my dad was little, leaving my Grandmother to raise two little boys by herself while he was gone.  We still have postcards he wrote home to them; and he could never talk about it without crying.   Perseverance.  Hard Work. Commitment.  Faithfulness.  Oh, we learned so much from their deep love for each other.

My Mom’s parents were married in 1930 in Upland, IN, and they were married 58 years.  My grandfather was the choir director/worship leader, and my grandmother the organist, at the same church – for over 40 years…   40 years.  Commitment.  Loyalty.  Faith.  Service.  Strong love.   Jesus.  We learned so very much from them.

“Freely you have received;  freely give.”  Matthew 10: 8

“. . .what we have heard and known, what our fathers have told us.  We will not hide them from our children;  we will tell the next generation about the glorious deeds of the Lord, about his power and his mighty wonders.”

“. . . For he gave his instructions to Israel.  He commanded our ancestors to teach them to their children, so the next generation might know them – even the children not yet born- and they in turn will teach their own children.”

“So each generation should set its hope anew on God, not forgetting his glorious miracles and obeying his commands.”   Psalm 78: 3-7

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.  These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.  Impress them on your children.  Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  Write them on your doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”  Dueteronomy 6: 4-8

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.  For wives, this means being devoted to your husbands like you are tenderly devoted to our Lord . . . and to the husbands, you are to demonstrate love for your wives with the same tender devotion that Christ demonstrated to us, his bride.”   Ephesians 5: 21-22, 25

“. . . older women . . . train the younger women to love their husbands and children, and to be self-controlled and pure, taking care of their household and being devoted to their husbands. . . . ” Titus 2: 3-4

We are so grateful.    We are so thankful for 30 years of friendship and love and marriage.   We are beyond thankful for our parents and their parents and all who came before them . . . who laid down their lives for one another, and persevered, and worked hard, and fought hard and laughed hard . . .  and loved well.

Freely we have received.  We have simply been recipients of that which others before us prayed into, fought for, and stayed faithful through- to pass down to us.

Freely we must give.  And so we say to you, our children and our spiritual kids and our premarital couples….  Pray hard.  Fight hard.  Laugh hard.

And love well.

And if you out there reading this did not have generations before you to pass down the ways of the Lord and the truth and training about life and love and marriage,  do not let the enemy steal from your family line any longer.   There is a call on you and your family line as well.   It may have been lost for a while,  maybe hidden for a few generations;  but there is a call.  And there is a purpose and generational blessing that is still yours for the reclaiming!!   Start today!   Build your house upon the Lord and His ways!   Submit yourselves to each other and to Jesus,  and then teach your children to do the same!  Reclaim your generation and begin a legacy today that will be passed on from generation to generation.  You can be the one.    You can be the ones to start it for your family today.

Freely we have received.  Freely we must give.    Kids – yes, all of you, pictured above or not – you know who you are….  and all of you who’ve received from our good Father:    Freely give what you’ve been given.  Pass it on.  Jesus is worth it all.

(This one was written by our son, John, who claims to have no blogging experience;  but seems to be quite experienced in teaching the rest of us a thing or two about life and relationships.  Thanks, JohnnyO!)  

I have never written a blog, read a blog, or even referenced a blog in my entire life until these 30 days. It’s not that I have anything against people expressing their thoughts, giving advice, and taking advantage of a platform to be heard, blogs simply are not who I am.

To be entirely honest, I don’t even understand the spacing in these things.

I feel like I can be reading the first paragraph, and then all of a sudden two sentences later, I’m at the bottom of page 5 and can’t seem to figure out how I got there. Nonetheless, if these blogs were to be printed, copied, or scanned, I would highly encourage you to check out Sharp’s MX-M4070N to lower your CPC’s and increase work-flow efficiencies.

Okay I’m done with the sarcastic snootiness for now. As for a more formal introduction to this brief post, I am John, Steve & Lori’s youngest son. Clay, my older brother, posted a blog prior to this that yet again shows the major differences in personalities and day to day thoughts. I entered into the corporate world out of college, as my brother continues to do the Lord’s work down in Greenwood. The differences in our daily lives and what we are surrounded by could not be more extreme. But the fundamental make-up of our DNA, morals, and values are shared closely thanks to the role models that our parents were to us growing up. The amount of respect that I have for my brother and mother’s ability to properly articulate meaningful, raw, and emotion-driven posts is incredible to me.

Clay and I were blessed with the perfect parents. And I mean perfect. Please disregard all former posts in this blog that eliminate the concept of perfection in marriage. Perfection is something that I believe is 100% attainable, and actualization is relative to each application of the word. For marriage (disclaimer – I am not married), my parents have gotten to that point of being the best that they can be, together. This does not mean that they do not make mistakes or have issues and arguments, this means that they have bought into the acceptance of continual improvement, communicating said improvement, and celebrating the improvement as it comes. This type of mentality is one that they have passed down to their children, and everyone that they come into contact with. It’s, in my opinion, the mindset of every growing Christian, or in a worldly example, a professional athlete. The idea of waking up every morning, wanting to be better than you were the day before, accepting defeat and growing from it, and in this specific instance, doing all of this with another human being.

A little over a year ago, I started seeing this girl. If you follow me on any social media sites, she is the model in all the pictures that looks like she has no business being around a gimpy old 23 year old like me. She has brought a tremendous amount of joy, positivity, and mainly energy into my life. She loves hiking, cooking, talking about her emotions, dancing around (everywhere), meeting as many people as possible, and baseball. So essentially the exact opposite of me. We have not always been on the same page, and to be entirely transparent, our differences in the beginning nearly tore us apart. I 100% give credit to my parents, the way that I was raised, and what I witnessed as a child as to the reasons why we are together and happier than ever to this day. Because very early on in our friendship, even before we started dating, I hammered home the concept of communication time and time again, because that’s what I was privileged with witnessing as a child. I learned early on that when two people love each other, it’s not easy. But the challenge is what brings the love together. When one of us is struggling or pulling the other one down, (don’t act like your relationship doesn’t have this both ways, because I tried and failed miserably), the other has that duty to come alongside and help level them back out.

Jasmine and I have progressively gotten better at approaching situations as a “we” and not a “me”. Similar to my parents, Jasmine has a slightly higher emotional range than I do, and sometimes my lack of reaction leads to the black hole of emotional confusion that I will never escape. Seeing my parents consistently extend grace and forgiveness to one another despite the situation has had a lasting impact on my life and my relationships.

To wrap up this jumbled up, most unprofessional attempt at communicating the value of these incredible role models, I would like to share what I see as an ideal marriage to my unmarried eyes. I see ambitions, dreams, happiness, struggles, burdens, and sorrow merging between two people. I see a spouse lifting up their partner, even when they are having the worst of days. I see two completely different genders taking 55 credit hours a week trying to learn and understand the tendencies and emotions that make the other person tick. I see humility in the successful times, and I see a burning fire of faith, hope, and love, that cannot be put out in the worst of times. I see a lifestyle and culture that passes down to the next generation without having to use words. I see love. I see my parents.

If this is your first blog post that you are reading in this series, I urge you to go start at Day 1 and soak up the wisdom and vulnerability that is written in each post. I am beyond thankful for my mother and her heart to love and care for everyone around her.

(This one was written by our son, Clay.  He and Bailey have been doing this Marriage thing for two and a half years.  We think they are doing it pretty well.  We are learning from them.  Thanks for this, Clay!)

When the Future Can’t Come Fast Enough

Last night I couldn’t sleep. My thoughts were racing, my mind was itching to accomplish something, and fear was bending my reality to its will. It was back again. My new, yet increasingly familiar friend. Anxiety.

I’ve always prided myself on being laid-back, easy-going, and difficult to stress out but something has shifted since Bailey and I have been married. Naturally, all the stakes are higher. The repercussion of failure are higher. I feel a responsibility to provide, support, and have vision for the rest of our lives.

Anyone who’s been in a romantic relationship at any level (dating / engaged / married) knows that dreams for the future are naturally born as you spend time together. As we become one in marriage, our dreams, passions, expectations, God-promises, and hopes begin to morph together as well.

If Bailey and I do anything with excellence, it’s dreaming. I can honestly say that we intentionally fight for each other’s dreams on a regular basis. (Sometimes on a daily basis!) Seriously, speaking to you wives, if you want your husbands to get that look of confidence where they swell up their chests, look out over the world, and let out a few masculine grunts of superiority (sometimes this is metaphorical… but sometimes not) … simply support/push/encourage them to chase their dreams. Gosh I feel great when Bailey tells me that she believes in my music, what I have to say, and my heart.

Ok back on track.. sometimes being so excited about what God has for us in the future leaves us dissatisfied with what our lives look like right now. We have SO MANY THINGS that God has placed on our hearts to do. We want to adopt multiple kids, to give extravagant financial gifts, work with orphanages, to write songs and travel, to see people in wheelchairs get up and be completely healed, to be a part of a culture where spending time in the manifest Presence of God is not only normal but is the highlight on a daily basis for individuals, couples, and friendships.

But, how are we supposed to live selflessly with our finances and give money away extravagantly when we’re pushing hard to pay off student loans? How are we going to see the culture of our relationships and work environments change when we feel like our voices are not valued the way that we would hope? How are we supposed to see the lame walk when we’re praying for headaches and the pain doesn’t disappear?

I’m sure your dreams look different than ours to some capacity, but I know you have them. And I KNOW that we serve a God who loves our dreams, who gives us vision for the future, and establishes these dreams with promises of His faithfulness. AND if you’ve ever been young, newly married, and starting into a new career, you’ve had the thought of “Woah, this is going WAY slower than I expected.” As a married couple, not only do you have to battle through your own miscalculated expectations, you have to do the same for your spouse.

So this is where anxiety loves to say hello. In the midst of all these hopes for the future and promises from God, what if we’re missing it right now? What if we’re not doing enough? What if that time I spent resting was supposed to be developing abilities that I should have by now? What if God had intended for us to have “arrived” by this point? What if…

yadayadayadayada. The list (and the lies) go on and on.

But really.. every great lie is built on just enough truth to help it slip by our defenses.

Every dream and promise from God in our lives DOES to a certain extent require our participation. If I had never picked up a guitar when I felt God leading me to, I would have never been hired as a worship pastor like He promised that I would become. So how do we know if we’re on the right track?

Last night as I was lying in bed I finally got fed up with the cloud over my mind and I got up to worship. 11pm, headphones on, bowing down and dancing through our living room singing “Jesus, Jesus, you make the darkness tremble. Jesus, Jesus, you silence fear.” I noticed once again, that as I fixed my eyes on Jesus simply to adore Him, to love on Him, and declare Him greater, everything else faded away. BUT as soon as I took my eyes off of Him and started thinking about the list of things I could DO to potentially progress our lives, my anxiety returned. For probably the million(th) time, I discovered the solution.

When the future can’t come fast enough, whether you’re married, single, divorced, or soon-to-be married, the only solution is the Presence. I’m not talking about individual times of worship or prayer, I’m saying that minute-by-minute walking with Jesus and valuing His presence above everything else is the ONLY way to balance building our dreams with waiting on God’s timing. When daily obedience and valuing His voice is number one, our timing will be right just as His timing is right. Our goals will be right just as His goals for us are right. Our ability to support our spouses’ dreams will be beautiful just as He beautifully supports our dreams.

It comes back to this. God is more interested in our connection with Him than our accomplishments. When I get bored, impatient, scared of the future, or anxious, and I try to run out and accomplish my “destiny” right now, I always end up exhausted, frustrated, and limping back to the Father, saying,

“But dad, I thought this was my mission. I thought this is what you made me to do.”

“Clay,” he always replies “I didn’t create you to accomplish a mission or a dream for me. I created you to do this WITH me.”

In seasons of both slow personal growth and slow growth as a couple, delight yourself in the Lord. Ask Him what He is developing in your life, in your marriage, in your character, and then ask Him how you can partner with what He’s doing. Repent of any laziness or running you’ve done from the calls on your life. Don’t stop dreaming with your spouse. Throw away the “what-if” questions. Hold on to promises over your life. And, in the words of my man Joel Embiid and the Philadelphia 76ers, “Trust the process.”

My mom asked me to write a short post… so I wrote a long one. Sorry mom!  Love ya!

-Clay O.

1. Also, Proverbs 3:5-6 really relates to this.

pss. That proverb was in honor of Steve Orander.

Steve is a restorer.  When we first started dating, he was restoring old cars.  He and his dad, or brother, or his friend Jon would buy these old junk cars, strip them down to the bare bones, and build them back up again.   Till they looked like new.  Completely restored.

When I would look at these pieces of jun… uh, scrap metal,  I couldn’t believe they would want to start working on THAT!  But I didn’t see what they saw.    They could look at that old rusted, wrecked, beaten-up-beyond-recognition shell and see what it could be.  Why?  Because they knew what it was originally!!  They knew the beautiful car it used to be in its original form, its original design, its intended beauty!  And they knew nothing was beyond repair;  it could be restored!

Some of you out there feel like those old rusted cars.   You feel worn down, broken down, and beaten down beyond recognition;  like you barely remember that innocent young girl you used to be, or that energetic young man you once were.  It’s just a vague memory now.  You used to be so full of hope, so excited for the future, so confident…  but then the road of life took some unexpected turns.  Maybe you, yourself, took those turns and still beat yourself up for being so stupid.  Maybe you let someone else drive and they turned out to be untrustworthy, wrecking you and your life beyond recognition.  And now you live daily out of a junk-yard of life, feeling scarred and marred and thrown away and forgotten.

But today we want to tell you – there is a Restorer who sees you.  And he looks at you with such eyes of love and hope and expectancy…. because he KNOWS who you were originally designed to be!  He sees the real you!  Under all the yuck and brokenness of life, he sees the YOU that HE created, and knows all the original designs and plans he has for your life!  He knows what happened.  He was there during the tragic wreck, the painful aftermath, and the slow decomposing.   He has never left you nor taken his eyes off of you.   And today, HE is the one speaking to you now and saying, “Come to ME.  You, who are weary and broken down… and I will give you rest.  I will RESTORE  you and your soul.  And you can be made new again . . .”

Jesus is saying to you right now,  “Are you weary, carrying a heavy burden?  Then come to me.  I will refresh your life, for I am your oasis.  Simply join your life with mine…” Matthew 11: 28

“Now, if anyone is enfolded into Christ, he has become an entirely new person.   All that is related to the old order has vanished.  Behold, everything is fresh and new.   And God has made all things new . . .”     2 Corinthians 5: 17-18 TPT

If this is resonating with you, if your heart is beating a little faster, or the tears are forming in your eyes, that’s Him.  He’s lovingly calling you.  He wants you to know it’s true:   it’s never too late.   Nothing is too hard for Him.   The God who created you is able to restore you.  Stop reading and just turn to Him.  Pray something simple like, “Jesus, I need you. I want to join my broken down life with your healing life.  Forgive me for the wrong turns I made.  I come to you now and ask you to come in and restore me to the real me you created me to be…. to be like you.  I want to travel your road with you, your way.  Thank you for forgiving me, for cleansing me, for making me new and giving me a new start with you. ”      

If this sounds good, but maybe too good to be true – at least for you, keep reading.

Two years ago, we bought an old lake house.  Not just any cottage on a lake, this was the same lake house my Grandparents had owned when I was growing up.   My family and I have years of memories of the loving place my grandparents created from a cinder-block shack into a warm and cozy and adorable lake house.  Steve and I had been there multiple times during our dating years and even the first few years of marriage.  My grandfather sold it …nearly 30 years ago!!   The next two owners made some changes, started some projects but didn’t finish, let it fall into disrepair, cut down the beautiful trees, painted it ugly pink (yes, a lovely mauve), and forgot to do any weeding (like for years…), which would have driven my grandparents crazy……

Now, it was back on the market and my man had that restoring itch again.   I said, “Honey, I don’t even want it ’cause it looks NOTHING like I remember it!  It’s ugly, broken down, needs SO much work, and … We can never get back those 90 year old oak trees…”  But he smiled and said, “Lor!  We can fix it up!   We can restore it to the original design that your Grandparents had!  We can bring it back in to the family and make it beautiful again!  We can even plant some trees…..”

And so we did.  When we started, I was so overwhelmed.  I would look at the mess and wonder, “Where do we start?  This is going to take FOREVER!   Is it even worth it?”  And he was so excited.   He just jumped in.  “Start here, Lor…  Let’s do the outside while the weather is good…  Then we’ll start on this room…  then…”  And so I turned off my brain and just followed.   We took one day at a time,  one week at a time,  one project at a time.  I learned that the heart and mind of a Restorer could see the finished product, could see the steps necessary to get there, and could patiently take one step at a time.    This was so good for me, the girl who wants everything to look nice…  like now.  There were moments when I would walk into a room, and get so overwhelmed, I could hardy breathe…  like, why did you pile up all that junk on top of the bed?  Do you know how much old dirt there is in all that?  Shouldn’t you be wearing a mask as we pull out all the old insulation?  How can you work in such MESS?   Couldn’t we just organize the piles, or at least clean up this area before we….”     And he would patiently tell me,  “Lor, we have to make a mess before it can look good again.  We have to tear out this old yuck before we can put in the new.  We want to put in good insulation, strengthen the foundation, and do the yucky work behind the scenes that no one will see…. before we can begin to paint, and decorate, and enjoy it.   But we WILL!  We will get there! Remember what it used to be!  We can restore it! ”

And so we began.  I learned about the word PROCESS.  I realized that if I just focused on the task in front of me, fixing one thing at a time, painting one trim piece at a time, hammering one nail at a time…  and sticking with it, I began to see progress!  I started to feel hopeful, like maybe this WAS possible.   We had some set-backs.  Some repairs didn’t work out, and we had to try something different.  Some things we couldn’t keep and had to let go.  But we kept going.  We didn’t give up.   And nine months later, we had done it!  We invited the family to come and celebrate!  We sat on our new deck, looked out on the lake, and took a deep breath.  We could just enjoy.   Yes, there was still some work to be done, there always would be things to repair and improvements to be made,  but we were filled with joy!   We had come so far, restoration was happening, and it had been worth it!!!

Marriage can be like this.  Sometimes a marriage needs restoration.  Sometimes our marriages can feel so far gone, so overgrown with years of neglect, that it feels overwhelming.  Like, you wouldn’t even know where to start.  But here’s the good news:  There is a Restorer who remembers the plans and purposes He has for your marriage!  He see all you have been through, he knows how hard it has been, but he has not given up on you!  He knows that even the most hopeless marriages can be restored, it can be made beautiful again.   Yes, even yours.  It will be a process;  it will not be easy, but with Him leading the way, it can be done!

Grace is a powerful word:  it can be defined as the undeserved favor of God.  It is also the empowering of God.  The grace of God says that no matter what you’ve done, or whose fault it is that you are where you are now, there is forgiveness because Jesus took the blame and the consequences and paid the price so that you could stop making your spouse pay.  Or making yourself pay.   Somebody has paid.  Jesus paid it all.  And now?  There is help available to all of us – ESPECIALLY those of us who don’t deserve it.  God’s love is so faithful and His grace is so real that He will actually ENABLE you to do things you cannot possibly do without Him.  He can empower you to love and forgive even those who don’t deserve it, because that’s the way He has forgiven you.  Restoration starts with forgiveness. Getting out the old junk so He can begin building anew.

You have already started!   If you read the above and prayed that prayer, or if you were simply reminded that God can cleanse and forgive EACH ONE of us – no matter what- then you are already halfway there!   Most marriage problems are not marriage problems, but heart problems:  each of us must stop pointing the finger at the other and take a good look at the condition of our OWN hearts.  When we begin to deal with the stuff in our OWN lives, and ask God to make US new, clean, forgiven, then we are getting somewhere!  When we can join our lives with God’s life, ask Him for His heart and His power to forgive our spouse, to move towards our spouse again, to ask our spouse to forgive us for OUR part…. then we are on the road to restoration.   It must start with owning our part, working with God on our own part, and letting God change our hearts.  Pray.   Then pray some more.   Prayer is a two way conversation, so listen and let Him speak to you as well.  He will!  He loves to answer when we wait and listen for Him!

Next?  None of this can be done in isolation.  God designed us to be in his family, to live life with others and help each other.   The next step in restoration is to reach out and ask for help.   First for you, yourself.   Then for you and your marriage.    Maybe a pastor, maybe a counselor, maybe just some trusted friends who will pray with you and walk this road with you.   Then ask your spouse to do the same.  To go with you.   Keep praying.  And pray some more.  For you.   For your spouse.   Restoration starts by embracing the process.  By asking for help.  Is it easy?  No.  But it’s harder to stay where you are.  And it is worth it.

GOOD NEWS:  God is the Great Restorer, and He wants this even more than you do!  Nothing is too hard for Him when we surrender to His ways and His love  and His process.  No marriage is too far gone.  There IS hope.  For you.   For your friends you love.  God sees and knows it all, and He knows the original designs He had for you and your marriage!  He sees right now how great it can be!  He wants to give you eyes to see it, too!  He wants you to believe in your marriage again!   To come to him together, and trust Him to begin the restoration process.  One step at a time.  One month at a time.  Hold hands if you can.  Restoration is a process.   But it is a beautiful process!   And your marriage is worth it!

Take a deep breath!   Dare to pray and believe it today!  And listen to this song:

Now, if anyone is enfolded into Christ, he has become an entirely new person.   All that is related to the old order has vanished.  Behold, everything is fresh and new.   And God has made all things new . . .”     2 Corinthians 5: 17-18 TPT

We are in a new season . . . again.   That’s the thing about seasons.  They keep changing!  Just about the time you start to manage one, really get a handle on it, it changes again.  And when you have kids, well, that’s a whole mess of seasons in itself!   This most recent season, Steve has started a new job which requires a bit more travel.  I am eternally grateful that he turned down many of these kinds of positions in the past, so that he could be present during our boys’ growing up years and so that we could live close to our families.  But in this stage of life, we both agreed God had opened up this job for him and that travel in this season could be just fine;  especially since I can go with him sometimes!So on our first ‘work trip’ recently, we gave this new adventure a whirl – together!  I am seriously grateful for the flexibility in my schedule to be able to join him sometimes, and still happy after all these 30 years that he still wants me to!   Other than the ungodly early hour of our flight out, (did we mention one of us is a morning person and the other is definitely not…?), we were having a great trip!   I had brought my computer and was able to do some writing, some editing on a bible study I’m writing, and some long hours of focus while he went into the local office and did his thing.  How fun!!   I knew he would be putting in long days, but I was also learning about the rhythms that help me write, and so was happy for the uninterrupted time!  When he got back to the hotel, we found a cute restaurant we could walk to, and caught up on each others’ days.  He shared that there were some reports he needed to finish typing up that night that would put him behind, and I appreciated him communicating expecations so clearly.   Yes, after 30 years, by golly, I think we’ve got this thing down!!Until evening three.  The first two evenings, he had communicated clearly that he was swamped, and so I was content just sitting next to him on our comfy hotel bed and just being together, though doing separate things.   I was even PROUD of myself for being such an “understanding” wife that I didn’t complain a bit that he needed to work till nearly midnight.  So when evening three came around, I was under the ASSUMPTION that he would be caught up and we could be together without any extra work.  Looking back on the capitalized words in this paragraph, I should have known these two words, Proud and Assumption, would lead me to a fall….  but I didn’t see it coming.He opened up his computer, I assumed for a brief closing up of the day;  he saw me open mine and do some online bargain shopping, assuming all was well.  An hour in, I finally put my head on his shoulder, and asked with the sweetest and most innocent voice, “Almost done?”   To which he kind of grunted in frustration, and continued working. Hmm.  Not the answer I was hoping for.   Another hour in, and now my thoughts and expectations and emotions were like a down-hill locomotive, speeding out of control.  Hadn’t I been beyond understanding the first two nights?  I had been so supportive and wanted to hear what he was working on and really had been praying for specifics for him…   Seriously, we’re going to work late three nights in a row?  Why had I even come?  And I did it.  I pulled the classic “turn my light out, roll over, heavy sigh, and pull the covers up and over my head.”Now when we recounted this story to one of our current pre-marital couples, I noticed they were on the edge of their seats.   They looked me, then at Steve, and finally one asked, “Well, what did you do?”   And Steve just shook his head, “I didn’t know what to do.  I knew it was a no-win for me at this point, so I patted her on the back gently, said goodnight, and turned out my light.”   At which point the groom-to-be nodded his approval, while the bride-to-be literally gasped.  “OH NO….”      To which the groom-to-be said, “What?  They were together!  Right next to each other!”   And his fiancee’ said, “That’s not together!   Being in the same room does not equal TOGETHER….”Don’t tell ME men and women are not wired differently!  These responses did not have to be taught to these two!   Steve & I laughed, not surprised a bit!  The groom-to-be looked confused, “What could he have done?”   To which Steve asked, “Why don’t you tell us all, dear, what you would have liked me to do at that point?”   (Assume edge of seat positions again…)   “That’s easy,”  I said.   “Three words.   Pursue.  Pursue.   Pursue.   Then maybe apologize  (that seriously curbs so many of these moments), then pursue again.  Young man,”  I finished, “Your girl will ALWAYS want you to pursue her. ”  And turning to my husband of 30 years, I reiterated, “I will ALWAYS want you to pursue me.””But I knew you were mad!  I figured you just wanted some space since you . . .”  “Nope, I wanted you to come after me & ask….”   “But we would have probably argued!  I knew you were already mad….  What is a guy to DO in that scenario?  No one wants to pursue THAT!”    To which I had to concede, “I see that.  You really don’t have a good option at that point.  You’re right.   I should have communicated sooner that I was becoming frustrated….   I had some expectations….”And we continue to work it out.   And we continue to learn.   And we continue to apologize and clarify and ask for forgiveness….  even after 30 years.  Now, some of you are much more mature and quicker on the draw than we have been, I’m sure.  But for the rest of you out there that are possibly resonating with these common marriage moments of muck ….  let us bring some comfort today:   marriage is work.  We fail all the time.  We do marriage mentoring, have tons of experience, love Jesus with all our hearts ….  and we still make a mess of it…  often.I used to think that working on our marriage meant we had this end goal of finally getting it all right.  Now I think God is teaching me that working on our marriage means we are making progress, and the goal should be learning to love each other well in the midst of the mess, along the way, as we go,  as the seasons continue to change….There are no muckless marriages.  There is not a one that reaches perfection.  (If you find one, please read their blog instead of this one….)   But there IS a peace that passes all understanding when we let go of unrealistic expectations and ask God to help us love well.   There are tools we can use to gauge when we are headed off the LOVE road and onto the ENTITLEMENT ramp,  leading to the highway of disappointment and dread.Practical app:  Listening Exercises and Clarifying Questions can help.   Did you know that over 70% of all communication is non-verbal?  Wives, what look is on their face when they say that?  Men, what does your wife’s body language say, in spite of the words coming out of her mouth?   Learning to recognize frustration or offense BEFORE it becomes emotionally charged is huge:   Example:  if Steve had taken note of the ‘head on the shoulder’ communication, he admits, he could have stopped and listened and then communicated how much longer (along with the assurance that he hated it that he had to work so late…).  And Girls, we are not powerless, and personally, I think we need to quit playing the victim game:  when Steve clearly did not  ‘get it’ that I was wanting his attention, I am a big girl.   I could have said something like, “Honey.  Can you take a break for a minute?  I am feeling frustrated, and need to talk it out…”In a text-book scenario, Steve could have stopped, turned toward me, and looked me in the eye.  “Sorry,  what did you say?”   And I could have asked again, “Will you have to work much longer?  I had thought we could get some time together tonight.”Enter the Clarifying Question: Steve could have responded, “OK.  I hear you saying that you are frustrated that I’m having to work so much.  You thought I wouldn’t have paper-work tonight, and wish I could be more present.   Is that right?”   “Yes, that’s what I’m saying.”    (pause here:   just taking the time to clarify and speak back to the other person what you hear they are saying makes the other feel HEARD.   Just feeling HEARD brings a connection that helps prevent so many arguments.   It is so worth it to look the other person in the eye and clarify what you hear them saying  BEFORE answering or making excuses or defending yourself…  not that I’ve ever done that…)Again, a clarifying question helps the other person feel heard and understood.  Then the ‘offended’ one needs to allow the other to speak to the question, without offense!  “Sorry.  I am just so far behind.  I apologize that I am not very present.  Can you stay awake 10 more minutes, and then … we can go get ice cream?  Or talk?”   And the original speaker needs to have grace and meet half way, and understand that sometimes we don’t get our way!   This takes some intentional effort by both parties.   Wanna practice?DO this Together:  come up with a current issue you are working through or a decision that needs to be made that you don’t necessarily agree on.  Take turns:  Person 1 states how you see it and feel about it.    Person 2 begins with, “Ok.  What I hear you saying is ….    Is that right?”   To which person 1 agrees or clarifies more until he/she feels heard and understood.    THEN Person 2 can state how THEY feel or see the situation.  Person 1 now asks the Clarifying Question, “I hear you saying . . .  Is that accurate?”  After both parties feel heard and understood, then KIND discussion can happen around ways to compromise or come to an agreement that hears both, but brings some closure.  Whatever the outcome, focus on listening well and loving well.Ready?   Yes, seriously,  now is a good time.  Try the above, and begin to practice this kind of communication in place of letting frustrations mount and emotions rise!  We have found it to be helpful…  when we remember to actually practice and do it!  Try it now!Take away?  Guys:  your girl really does want you to pursue her;  and being together is more than just sharing space to her!    Girls:  we need to stop having so many emotional reactions that we actually discourage our guys from pursuing us!~   If we can’t have real conversations without getting angry or defensive or accusatory, our guys WILL stop pursuing.   Girls, let’s start.   Let’s tell our guys we are wanting to hear more of what they are thinking and saying before we get emotional.  We need to offer them grace and space to speak and pursue.    And guys, no matter the season, the majority of us girls are pretty simple in at least one area:   pursue, pursue,  pursue.   Ask, ask, ask. And listen. When both of us can do that?    Well, we can weather most any season!

We are in a new season . . . again.   That’s the thing about seasons.  They keep changing!  Just about the time you start to manage one, really get a handle on it, it changes again.  And when you have kids, well, that’s a whole mess of seasons in itself!   This most recent season, Steve has started a new job which requires a bit more travel.  I am eternally grateful that he turned down many of these kinds of positions in the past, so that he could be present during our boys’ growing up years and so that we could live close to our families.  But in this stage of life, we both agreed God had opened up this job for him and that travel in this season could be just fine;  especially since I can go with him sometimes!

So on our first ‘work trip’ recently, we gave this new adventure a whirl – together!  I am seriously grateful for the flexibility in my schedule to be able to join him sometimes, and still happy after all these 30 years that he still wants me to!   Other than the ungodly early hour of our flight out, (did we mention one of us is a morning person and the other is definitely not…?), we were having a great trip!   I had brought my computer and was able to do some writing, some editing on a bible study I’m writing, and some long hours of focus while he went into the local office and did his thing.  How fun!!   I knew he would be putting in long days, but I was also learning about the rhythms that help me write, and so was happy for the uninterrupted time!  When he got back to the hotel, we found a cute restaurant we could walk to, and caught up on each others’ days.  He shared that there were some reports he needed to finish typing up that night that would put him behind, and I appreciated him communicating expecations so clearly.   Yes, after 30 years, by golly, I think we’ve got this thing down!!

Until evening three.  The first two evenings, he had communicated clearly that he was swamped, and so I was content just sitting next to him on our comfy hotel bed and just being together, though doing separate things.   I was even PROUD of myself for being such an “understanding” wife that I didn’t complain a bit that he needed to work till nearly midnight.  So when evening three came around, I was under the ASSUMPTION that he would be caught up and we could be together without any extra work.  Looking back on the capitalized words in this paragraph, I should have known these two words, Proud and Assumption, would lead me to a fall….  but I didn’t see it coming.

He opened up his computer, I assumed for a brief closing up of the day;  he saw me open mine and do some online bargain shopping, assuming all was well.  An hour in, I finally put my head on his shoulder, and asked with the sweetest and most innocent voice, “Almost done?”   To which he kind of grunted in frustration, and continued working. Hmm.  Not the answer I was hoping for.   Another hour in, and now my thoughts and expectations and emotions were like a down-hill locomotive, speeding out of control.  Hadn’t I been beyond understanding the first two nights?  I had been so supportive and wanted to hear what he was working on and really had been praying for specifics for him…   Seriously, we’re going to work late three nights in a row?  Why had I even come?  And I did it.  I pulled the classic “turn my light out, roll over, heavy sigh, and pull the covers up and over my head.”

Now when we recounted this story to one of our current pre-marital couples, I noticed they were on the edge of their seats.   They looked me, then at Steve, and finally one asked, “Well, what did you do?”   And Steve just shook his head, “I didn’t know what to do.  I knew it was a no-win for me at this point, so I patted her on the back gently, said goodnight, and turned out my light.”   At which point the groom-to-be nodded his approval, while the bride-to-be literally gasped.  “OH NO….”      To which the groom-to-be said, “What?  They were together!  Right next to each other!”   And his fiancee’ said, “That’s not together!   Being in the same room does not equal TOGETHER….”

Don’t tell ME men and women are not wired differently!  These responses did not have to be taught to these two!   Steve & I laughed, not surprised a bit!  The groom-to-be looked confused, “What could he have done?”   To which Steve asked, “Why don’t you tell us all, dear, what you would have liked me to do at that point?”   (Assume edge of seat positions again…)   “That’s easy,”  I said.   “Three words.   Pursue.  Pursue.   Pursue.   Then maybe apologize  (that seriously curbs so many of these moments), then pursue again.  Young man,”  I finished, “Your girl will ALWAYS want you to pursue her. ”  And turning to my husband of 30 years, I reiterated, “I will ALWAYS want you to pursue me.”

“But I knew you were mad!  I figured you just wanted some space since you . . .”  “Nope, I wanted you to come after me & ask….”   “But we would have probably argued!  I knew you were already mad….  What is a guy to DO in that scenario?  No one wants to pursue THAT!”    To which I had to concede, “I see that.  You really don’t have a good option at that point.  You’re right.   I should have communicated sooner that I was becoming frustrated….   I had some expectations….”

And we continue to work it out.   And we continue to learn.   And we continue to apologize and clarify and ask for forgiveness….  even after 30 years.  Now, some of you are much more mature and quicker on the draw than we have been, I’m sure.  But for the rest of you out there that are possibly resonating with these common marriage moments of muck ….  let us bring some comfort today:   marriage is work.  We fail all the time.  We do marriage mentoring, have tons of experience, love Jesus with all our hearts ….  and we still make a mess of it…  often.

I used to think that working on our marriage meant we had this end goal of finally getting it all right.  Now I think God is teaching me that working on our marriage means we are making progress, and the goal should be learning to love each other well in the midst of the mess, along the way, as we go,  as the seasons continue to change….

There are no muckless marriages.  There is not a one that reaches perfection.  (If you find one, please read their blog instead of this one….)   But there IS a peace that passes all understanding when we let go of unrealistic expectations and ask God to help us love well.   There are tools we can use to gauge when we are headed off the LOVE road and onto the ENTITLEMENT ramp,  leading to the highway of disappointment and dread.

Practical app:  Listening Exercises and Clarifying Questions can help.   Did you know that over 70% of all communication is non-verbal?  Wives, what look is on their face when they say that?  Men, what does your wife’s body language say, in spite of the words coming out of her mouth?   Learning to recognize frustration or offense BEFORE it becomes emotionally charged is huge:   Example:  if Steve had taken note of the ‘head on the shoulder’ communication, he admits, he could have stopped and listened and then communicated how much longer (along with the assurance that he hated it that he had to work so late…).  And Girls, we are not powerless, and personally, I think we need to quit playing the victim game:  when Steve clearly did not  ‘get it’ that I was wanting his attention, I am a big girl.   I could have said something like, “Honey.  Can you take a break for a minute?  I am feeling frustrated, and need to talk it out…”

In a text-book scenario, Steve could have stopped, turned toward me, and looked me in the eye.  “Sorry,  what did you say?”   And I could have asked again, “Will you have to work much longer?  I had thought we could get some time together tonight.”

Enter the Clarifying Question: Steve could have responded, “OK.  I hear you saying that you are frustrated that I’m having to work so much.  You thought I wouldn’t have paper-work tonight, and wish I could be more present.   Is that right?”   “Yes, that’s what I’m saying.”    (pause here:   just taking the time to clarify and speak back to the other person what you hear they are saying makes the other feel HEARD.   Just feeling HEARD brings a connection that helps prevent so many arguments.   It is so worth it to look the other person in the eye and clarify what you hear them saying  BEFORE answering or making excuses or defending yourself…  not that I’ve ever done that…)

Again, a clarifying question helps the other person feel heard and understood.  Then the ‘offended’ one needs to allow the other to speak to the question, without offense!  “Sorry.  I am just so far behind.  I apologize that I am not very present.  Can you stay awake 10 more minutes, and then … we can go get ice cream?  Or talk?”   And the original speaker needs to have grace and meet half way, and understand that sometimes we don’t get our way!   This takes some intentional effort by both parties.   Wanna practice?

DO this Together:  come up with a current issue you are working through or a decision that needs to be made that you don’t necessarily agree on.  Take turns:  Person 1 states how you see it and feel about it.    Person 2 begins with, “Ok.  What I hear you saying is ….    Is that right?”   To which person 1 agrees or clarifies more until he/she feels heard and understood.    THEN Person 2 can state how THEY feel or see the situation.  Person 1 now asks the Clarifying Question, “I hear you saying . . .  Is that accurate?”  After both parties feel heard and understood, then KIND discussion can happen around ways to compromise or come to an agreement that hears both, but brings some closure.  Whatever the outcome, focus on listening well and loving well.

Ready?   Yes, seriously,  now is a good time.  Try the above, and begin to practice this kind of communication in place of letting frustrations mount and emotions rise!  We have found it to be helpful…  when we remember to actually practice and do it!  Try it now!

Take away?  Guys:  your girl really does want you to pursue her;  and being together is more than just sharing space to her!    Girls:  we need to stop having so many emotional reactions that we actually discourage our guys from pursuing us!~   If we can’t have real conversations without getting angry or defensive or accusatory, our guys WILL stop pursuing.   Girls, let’s start.   Let’s tell our guys we are wanting to hear more of what they are thinking and saying before we get emotional.  We need to offer them grace and space to speak and pursue.    And guys, no matter the season, the majority of us girls are pretty simple in at least one area:   pursue, pursue,  pursue.   Ask, ask, ask. And listen. When both of us can do that?    Well, we can weather most any season!

We grew up together.   His family moved to our town of Muncie when Steve was in 5th grade and I was in 4th, as his dad answered the call to become pastor of our church.  (Yes, PK.  Explains a lot.  I know….)   My dad was on the search committee that invited Steve’s dad to come be our pastor, so both of our fathers take credit for our coming together!  Honestly, I thought he was a bratty preacher’s kid who never took anything seriously, and he thought I was a bit puffed up and too good to come to youth group every week;  who wants to play all those childish games? . . . But then we became friends!   We actually became great friends all through high school, hung out at both church & school, and often fixed each other up on dates with our friends.  He would talk to me about the girl he was dating, and I would confide in him about the guy I was seeing from another school.  We even went on double dates together….  as in,  not with each other!   LOL.    The day after he graduated from high school (I was a much younger junior), he and the girl he was dating, who was a good friend of mine,  and a guy I was friends with and I all went to Kings Island for the day to celebrate!   I remember thinking that day how much fun we had and how we never ran out of things to talk about as we stood in the hot sun waiting in line for the Beast….

He went to Ball State (just down the road).  It took us about another 8 months to realize that maybe the reason we kept wanting to ‘double date’ and hang out was because we were maybe more than friends??  Maybe??    But it was a risk.  What if we decided to date, and it didn’t work out…  would we lose a great friendship?  We decided to risk it;  and the rest, as they say, is history.   I finished my last 3 month of high school, and the day after graduation I moved to Cedar Point to start my first job in live shows.  Even after just 3 months of dating, it was hard to move 5 hours away from each other, so we decided we should probably ‘date around’ and not be tied down for those 3 months.

That lasted about 3 weeks.  By the second time he came to visit, I was so excited he was coming that I  broke a date with a guy who had bought concert tickets to take me to see The Imperials, one of my favorite groups.  When I realized I would turn THAT down to spend time with Steve,  well, that’s when a girl just knows….

I followed him to Ball State.   Luckily my two best friends and I had made the cuts for University Singers, which we were excited about, and it was a good excuse to go to school down the road from my house …. you know,  ’cause you never want to make a college decision based on a boy!!     (We dated all that school year.)

But then:  We broke up.   We had been dating almost a year, and a lot had changed in that year…. a lot of growing up and learning new things and discovering ….  wow, there are a lot of cool people to meet at college.  And I wondered why that cute guitar player in U.Singers kept smiling at me…. and I began to think.  “Hmmm.  Maybe we should take a break; I haven’t really spent time with any other ‘college’ guys…  you know, there are a LOT of them.  I think that guitar player believes in Jesus… ”

And so we had a conversation one night in my dorm room, we decided it was for the best, and we decided to break up.   I will never forget watching him walk out my door…

COMPARISON:  It is a dangerous trap, a real relationship-killer.   When Steve & I were spending time together, it was great.  But when I started looking around at other options, it just made me wonder?   What if?    Would it be better?  How would I know?  Were we missing out on the one God had for us by sticking with our high school sweethearts?

Comparison is also a marriage killer.  Home wrecker.  Peace stealer.  Anxiety producer.  We do just fine the first few years of marriage, maybe more, but at some point we realize that those irritations we thought would go away when we got married, actually increased.  We start noticing those happy couples on Facebook and Instagram, and how they seem to look at each other and have so many happy pictures…..  and here it comes.  Comparison.  And that ‘ol Deceiver whispers, ‘Don”t you wish you had that?  Didn’t you think your marriage would be like that when you got married?   Maybe you married the wrong….” And we listen and we consider, and we have to agree, “It’s true, we don’t have pictures like that….  maybe…..”  And in comes the Spirit of Comparison, happily making himself at home and ready to enlighten you to all the other areas of your life where you fall short and wish you could be more like…..

And for us girls, this spirit’s voice becomes louder and louder in every area of our lives:  “It’s probably because she’s so pretty….  No wonder a guy like that would marry someone like her…  How does she stay so thin?   I could never wear my hair that way… but she looks so young….  I’m just not good enough,  sophisticated enough, accomplished enough,” and the Liar is having a field day – or year- with our thought life.

GUYS:  I’m not sure how this works for you exactly, but it probably would be helpful for you to HEAR that nearly all the women I know have to battle against this Comparison spirit, and most have conversations in their heads like the one above.  Maybe daily.   The good news is, if you KNOW this, you can be her number one advocate in helping her battle these lies and comparisons from the enemy.    This is why words of affirmation and acts of romance and ANYTHING YOU CAN DO TO TELL HER SHE IS YOUR SPECIAL GIRL, and you are so glad you married her…..  (and you do this consistently, not just once a year,)  –    (pause here, in case any of you gentlemen want to write down those last few sentences.  Like, seriously, if you were to implement THAT, you would see miracles in your girl….maybe use your phone, take a picture,  make it your screen saver…  I’m talking miracles. . . .)

When a husband does those things, it will usually silence those lies in a heartbeat.  Men, the power you have to help defeat the enemy in your wife’s life is ENORMOUS!!   BE her Braveheart!  BE her encourager and advocate, and speak words that will build her up and let her know how beautiful she is to you!   This is real stuff, men, and while you are not responsible for your wife’s choices or her ability to receive it,   most women I know will thrive when you love her and affirm her consistently this way!    (Seriously, I may rent a billboard… this could change marriages across the world….  I don’t think you guys have any idea …)

Men, I know the comparison demon comes to haunt you as well.   And I probably don’t get it completely, but I can tell you this:  I’ve watched my husband for over 30 years.  Every time the other guy got the promotion, or the other Rep made more sales, or he lost another deal to that same competitor…  I watched him quietly battle, humble himself in his own prayer closet, and surrender his pride to the Lord.   I have seen him intentionally call ‘the other guy’ and congratulate him on his success.  I have seen him choose to celebrate others and sincerely work to make others great.  I have seen him, in one of the most competitive careers out there, work hard and compete hard and win often, but at the end of the day, realize that none of it defines who he is.   I have watched him win the battle of Comparison by choosing to humbly pour into others and promote others and celebrate others, and I’ve seen the Spirit of God activated by these intentional choices until it truly became who he is.   He truly loves seeing others succeed.  I love this about him more than words.  I admire it, because I am so far from being there.  I want to be more like him, and I ask God to give me that sincerity of heart and contentment in my identity as a child of God so that I could win at this comparison battle as well.

I think that’s truly it:  we get to choose.   Will we fix our minds and thoughts and hours on seeing how OTHERS are doing things, and how successful they portray themselves?  Or will we choose to be filled with the peace and love of Jesus enough to know that we are already beautiful and successful IN HIM?!   We are already accomplished and perfect in our spirit!  The real you is not flesh and blood, but the heart, soul, and spirit that is deeply loved and already raised with Him into the Kingdom realm.   What will we meditate on, fix our thoughts on, and think about throughout our days?

“So keep your thoughts continually fixed on all that is authentic and real, honorable and admirable, beautiful and respectful, pure and holy, merciful and kind.  And fasten your thoughts on every glorious work of God, praising him always.”  Philippians 4: 8 

Let’s awaken today to the slippery slope and danger of comparison, and intentionally reject that lying spirit by choosing to let Holy Spirit renew our minds with gratitude, kindness, and truth instead. And may we look for ways to rejoice in others’ victories and cheer them on to greatness, while remembering they probably battle the same comparison game that we do!

“So wherever jealousy and selfishness are uncovered, you will also find many troubles and every kind of meanness.  But the wisdom from above is always pure, filled with peace, considerate, and teachable… ”  James 3: 17  TPT

Oh, and that day that we broke up?  And Steve walked out my door?   I started to get this really sick feeling in my stomach as I realized what we had done!  I ran for the door, determined to chase him down,  and bumped into him on his way back in.   That was our longest break-up.   It lasted less than 3 minutes.

My friend Charis screamed, “Haven!  No!”  Her three year old little girl was pushing against the broken gate at the top of the stairs that led down to the basement.  Charis ran from the other side of the room, sure that Haven was about to go tumbling down the stairs, when 5-year-old Cade suddenly appeared and grabbed hold of his baby sister, rescuing her from a certain fall.   As Cade pulled her away to safety, and the two went off to happily play, Charis said, “Thank you, Cade, you like saved your little sister’s life!”

“It’s what gentlemen doos, Mom….”  and off he went.

Cade is going to make a great husband one day!  His parents are teaching him at a very young age “what gentlemen doos.”  And knowing this special young family, they are also teaching their daughters “what young ladies doos”, too, and preparing their young hearts to one day be beautiful wives.

Steve and I are convinced:  the best marriages start when you are little!!   At a very young age, children become very aware that ‘mommy and daddy are married’, even before they read any blogs on marriage!   Then they want to know who THEY can marry!  “Can I marry Daddy, too?” ask many little girls?   They begin to see something they know they want, or will want some day.

Parents!  This is just a little reminder today that the more you pour into your marriage today, the better chances your kids have of happy marriages in the future!

Speak Identity:  Call out your sons to be the amazing young men that God created them to be!  CHEER as they show those biceps, wrestle dad the lion, and become true gentlemen who give up their seats, open car doors, and protect the ladies from all harm!  TELL them that they are sons of their Father God, created to be strong and honorable … like dad!  That one day they, too, will have a wife to provide for and keep safe in the storms!  And that you are so proud of them for who they are.

Call out your daughters to be the kind young ladies that God designed them to be!  Marvel at their beauty, and even more at their thoughtfulness!  Tell them over and over how you saw that gracious act, that way they nurtured their sister, and the sweet ways they loved their daddy.  Tell them they will one day make the most beautiful brides as they too will fall in love and marry a handsome man, and be a mommy, and do amazing works for God in the world!

Parents you are casting vision and prophesying their futures with every word you speak over them.  Though make believe and dress up will always be fun parts of being a child, today’s kids need their parents to speak true identities over them!  (And some of the neighbors’ kids will need it from you, too!)   Teach them God’s design and plan for them, for marriage, and for families from day one.

Model well:  The way you love and respect one another now is being seared into little minds of those who will need to love and respect one day.   Girls, the way you talk to your husbands now will be mimicked by your daughters to their husbands one day.  Guys, the ways you serve and care for your wife’s needs above your own will create honorable young men who grow into husbands who will do the same.

Foundation is key:  When our boys were little, we tried to take a little couples’ get-away 3-4 times a year.  It didn’t matter if we went to a state park or to a hotel in downtown Indy; the point was to get-away without the kids, to focus on each other, and refresh the bonds of marriage often.   This not only strengthened our marriage during those busy years, it was also modeling to our kids that mom and dad have a special relationship that they invest in and make time for and need to treat as special.  It helped that the ‘grandparents’ were willing and gracious to help us with these;  but even if you don’t have that option, find other couples early on whom you can switch out with, taking care of the kids for each other.

Honestly, the most loving thing you can do for your kids is to love each other well.  The healthiest thing you can do to insure their hearts are secure is to invest in the foundation of your marriage.  Kids can tell when things are not right between mom and dad, and their greatest fear is that it won’t be made right.  The more you can authentically ‘make it right’ with your spouse and assure the kids that mommy and daddy love each other very much, and that you’re not going anywhere, the more stable your little ones will be.  So instead of thinking you need to stay home and be with your kids all the time, show them that date nights and special mommy/daddy times will always be your priority.

Cast Vision:  When you speak over them about marriage some day, also cast vision for true dating:    When our guys were young, we encouraged them, “Someday, when you are older and ready to start thinking of marriage, you will begin to date young ladies whom you might marry.   This is what dating is for.  Until then, you can be friends with ALL the girls and do things in groups and go out and have fun!  Get to know and honor everyone!  You don’t have to have a girlfriend, even if some of your friends do!”

When I hear young moms asking their kindergartners if that cute boy over there is their boyfriend, I want to cringe.  Call me old fashioned, or just call me old, but when we promote boyfriends and girlfriends at such an early age, we are just teaching them to practice heartbreak and breakups and even divorce over and over again.   When I was growing up, my friends and I had one thing on our minds:  who will be my boyfriend?   This one thing seemed to dominate and determine our entire mood for months at a time.  Ugh.  How great to cast vision early, parents, for God’s plans and designs so that they learn to protect their ‘friends’ hearts and honor all instead of choosing some over others.  There are so many GOOD Godly traits to practice as we encourage them to wait and only  date someone who someday could make a good mate.

First Mention:  Talk about everything.  Be shocked by nothing.  At the appropriate time. Be the first to teach them about sexuality, for whomever they hear it from first will be the benchmark by which they weigh new information!  Tell them you always want them to ask you ANY question they may have, and be aware of what they are learning and seeing from friends and school.    Talk about everything.  Make a big deal of nothing.

And don’t even get me started on social media for youngsters……  We found camping trips to be the most refreshing vacations we took with our boys where bicycles and books and bonfires and hiking and football and being together…..  were more important than video games or tv. We do not envy you parents of this generation’s new challenges & the onslaught of media you will have to navigate through, but we will say this:  do not be afraid to be different!  Do not be afraid to go on great adventures, and long walks, and leave the cell phones in a drawer.  (Especially yours.)

The best marriages start with training when they are young!  The most successful future husbands and wives are watching and listening out of little eyes and little ears.  May they see and hear you love each other well.

“We’ve heard true stories from our fathers about our rich heritage,.  We will continue to tell our children and not hide from the rising generation the great marvels of our God – his miracles and power that have brought us all this far.  . . For perpetuity God’s ways will be passed down from one generation to the next, even to those not yet born.  In this way, every generation will have a living faith in the laws of life and will never forget the faithful ways of God.”   Psalm 78: 3-4, 6-7 TPT