We pulled up in front of the house and turned off the ignition.  “Ok, just to make sure we’re on the same page, how long are you thinking we will stay?”

“I was thinking like an hour or a little more?  But I know you have an early flight in the morning.  Does that sound good to you?”

“Sounds good!  And do you want me to give you the signal when we’re getting close to that time?  Or no?”

“Please.  Yes.  You know I go into ‘social mode’ and lose track of time.”

Expectations.   They are huge in our marriage, and we’re pretty sure they are a huge subject in every marriage!   It has literally taken us 25 of our 30 years to get to the point where we:  1. Admit we have expectations (Steve thinks that on the average, we women may have a few more!) (I expect he is probably right…)    2. Are self-aware enough to realize what they are.  3. Think ahead and COMMUNICATE what we are thinking before we enter into the situation, and    4. Take time to ask the  other what they are thinking in case they forgot #3.

Conversations like the one above have helped us immensely!  Like – really helped us!  We feel more unified, on the same team, and less vulnerable to sad miscommunications that lead to frustrations and possible arguments.

We’ve been doing pre-marital counseling for over 20 years.  (Someone suggested we should ‘just get married already!’;  to which Steve replied we keep learning from each of the couples we meet with!)  We love being mentors to these young couples.   Steve thinks we’ve met with over 30 couples;  I can only remember 28, but whatever the number, they have enriched and blessed our lives (and our marriage) in ways we cannot count.   Our goal is to walk through the engagement season with a couple, meeting 10-12 times over a period of 6-12 months, ideally.    In this extended period of time, we are really able to get to know them, walk through good times & bad times and practice how to handle it all. We love the idea of  establishing a mentoring relationship that will last past the “I Do’s” and will be available to them throughout their married lives.   We do not claim to have ‘counseling’ degrees, but we promise to be mentors and friends who will share with them what God has graciously taught us and continue in relationship with them as they walk the journey of marriage.

Obviously, that’s one reason we are taking time to blog.  We hope many of our PMC couples are reading this right now, and smiling, and remembering, and knowing we will be checking up on them soon to see if they did!

In our many years of mentoring, the subject of ‘Expectations’ seems to be one that we discuss more than any other.  It sneaks into nearly every situation and usually can be traced back as the source of most conflicts.  Each of us enters into marriage having ‘done life’ a certain way, thinking our ‘way’ is normal, and expecting that everyone probably does it the ‘same’ way!   We each have our previous ‘normal’ that now is melding with another’s, and, therefore, we each have expectations of how life should work, whether we are conscious of those expectations or not.

The obvious ones include where we will spend Thanksgiving and Christmas eve, and whether you open your presents on Christmas day or the night before, and whether you always eat at the table or usually in front of the TV…. the list is endless, and most of you have been married long enough that you’ve learned to discuss these things and work through them, learning the give-and-take of marriage.

We’ve encouraged our couples (and ourselves) to think ahead and try to communicate any desires or expectations they may have ahead of time.   As Steve continually reminds me, “Your spouse cannot read your mind!”   Learning to ask for what we are hoping for or needing is a sign of a healthy relationship.   We have a lot of conversations in our heads, but not always out loud!   We make a lot of plans and look forward to certain things, but we may not have remembered to actually talk  to our spouse about it!

And when that happens, we can experience the disappointment of unmet expectations.  If I were looking forward to spending an evening of quality time with Steve, and he is needing an evening to catch up on emails, and I fail to ask him his plans or express my desires, and if he is assuming we will just be home, relaxing and together (as in, in the same room), … we are heading for a disastrous disappointment.

If, on the other hand, we look ahead together at each week, and talk together about the plans for each upcoming day or event, we can learn to avoid many disappointments.  If I had asked Steve in the morning what his evening looked like, and if I had expressed a desire for some quality time (clearly defined if needed), then that may have helped him plan ahead.  If he had found that he really needed that evening to catch up and be prepared for work the next day, he could have given me a call and rescheduled a ‘date night’ for the next evening.   It is amazing how clearly communicating and honoring each other this way can make for a unified marriage!

Having said all of that, we are also in the very throws of learning some NEW things about expectations in marriage;  like, how possibly God has a bit more to say on the subject!  We realize we may have some ‘corrections’ to add to our previous ‘advice’ on the subject!    And if you check in tomorrow, we’ll try and explain!

Until then, we are curious:  anyone else deal with similar situations?   If you are wanting some practical application, try the following:

1. Think of a recent disagreement or argument you may have had.  Looking back on it, did either of you have any unmet expectations that you may have failed to share?
2. Look ahead at your next few days or events.  Are you planning anything in your head or hoping for certain outcomes?  Share with each other what you are hoping and thinking, and look for ways to bless the other by honoring their desires where you can!
3. If needed, ask for any forgiveness needed for expecting them to read your mind or for becoming frustrated or angry over things they didn’t even know about!
4. Pray together and thank God for opportunities to bless, serve,and honor the other above yourselves.  And don’t forget to have fun doing it!

“Be free from pride-filled opinions, for they will only harm your cherished unity.  Don’t allow self-promotion to hide in your hearts, but in authentic humility put others first and view others as more important than yourselves.  Abandon every display of selfishness.  Possess a greater concern for what matters to others instead of your own interests. Consider the example that Jesus, the Anointed One, has set before us.  Let his mindset become your motivation.”            Philippians 2: 3-5