I’m not sure how you guys feel, but in that movie, The Notebook, we girls absolutely cannot handle it when it becomes evident that Allie’s mom has been hiding Noah’s letters from her.   We become righteously indignant!   When day after day, he checks his mailbox to see if she has replied, and nothing has come, and he just can’t understand why, we are heartbroken!   He had poured out his heart, committed to writing and telling her every day of his love, for a whole YEAR!!!   And she never knew.   She never got the letters.   Though he had 365 days of words, she had not read or heard a one.Communication in marriage can be just like that.”I did, too!  I told you!!  We were standing right here!”  “You never told me that.”   “Yes I did!  I absolutely did!  Just last night!”   “Last night?   When you began to raise your voice and ended up yelling at me?”      “Yes!  How could you forget that?”      “Forget it?   I never heard it.   I didn’t hear a thing once you began yelling……..”Ah, the joys of marital communication.   When Steve and I first got married,  we found out that we had two very different ways of communicating, like we were on two completely different frequencies! For starters, one of us was a man.  And the other was a woman.  That pretty much explains it.  But there were other differences, too.   Both of us grew up in loving homes with the most amazing marriages played out in front of us, for which we are eternally grateful and aware of the rare blessing this is today.   In the home where Steve grew up, disagreements were discussed and worked through fairly quietly, and louder interactions were few and far between (or possibly he was a boy and a bit oblivious to all discussions that took place?  Just sayin.)   My wonderful home-life was full of beautiful noise and loud expressions and passionate arguments in which we let it all out, raised the roof a wee bit, and then hugged one another as we said we were sorry.   Then we were done and happily loving each other.You can imagine our first few years of marriage.  Yes.  Exactly.   While being best friends for quite some time and crazy in love, we would still have these ‘discussions’ in which I would react in ways completely different than he!   When I felt the issue was of utmost importance, I would raise my voice so that he would understand the level of priority here.  He, in turn, would look at me, consider his response, and say very little.   To which I wasn’t quite sure how to respond, as my head cocked sideways, and I asked him if he were hearing me?  (in a bit louder voice).  To which he would emotionally retreat even further away and say nothing at all.    Which said to me that he must not care, it must not be important to him, and therefore, I – his wife – must not be important….  and out of that place of young insecure love, I would necessarily begin the yelling so that he would understand.  (If blogs had volume levels, that would have been a good place for a gradual increase).This was our Crazy Cycle.   It wasn’t until a few years later when we read an amazing book by Emerson Eggerich entitled Love and Respect that a lightbulb went off in our heads!   In his book, he described our Crazy Cycle exactly.   We had no idea how he knew our story, if possibly he had some secret microphones hidden in our apartment, (or if maybe my husband had sought him out for counseling as a first step before having me committed).  However he knew, he pegged us perfectly.He based his book on Ephesians 5:31.  One verse.  Amazing.  Here it is:”However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”It’s a remarkable book and one we highly recommend, and impossible to do it justice in this blog, but here is what Steve and Lori took away from it:   God is giving a directive, through Paul, to man – to LOVE, and to the woman – to RESPECT.  Why aren’t they both commanded to LOVE?  Or are they?  In different ways, maybe different languages?   He says one of a man’s core needs is respect.   Therefore, he understands respect and gives it to others because this is how he would want to be treated.  This is how he feels loved.  But he needs to be reminded to also LOVE, a more relational response, because it may not be his first one.  On the other hand, one of a woman’s core needs is LOVE,  she understands love and freely gives love, so doesn’t need to be commanded to Love as much as she needs to be reminded to Respect her man.   Love him in a way he can receive, or that he can hear.He says the Crazy Cycle gets going when one of them is not having their core needs met, like when a wife is feeling a little forgotten (are any of the men seeing this thread continue?  Just checking in…)  and therefore gets a little insecure, maybe even a little demanding, trying to grasp for that love.  But when the husband hears a little disrespect, he knows he does not want to give that back in return, so he actually chooses to not engage.   By not engaging, the wife is feeling even MORE needy and unloved, and grasps harder and speaks from a hurt place much more disrespectfully, maybe lashes out, or raises her voice, and there you go… the cycle begins.   The more graspy and desperate and hurt and demanding she becomes, the less respected he feels, so he pulls further away, making her….   you get the idea.How to stop it, you ask?  Emerson says one party must choose to step in and stop the cycle.   To go against your instinct, and just begin to LOVE.    Or just push through feeling unloved, and choose to apologize and speak respectfully.    The results are astounding.  It takes but a moment.  One word.  One gesture.   One apology.  One step towards one another in love or respect.I realized that the whole time we had been disagreeing, I thought Steve could hear me clearly – that he knew I loved him.   To me, that wasn’t the issue.   But much like Allie never getting the messages from Noah, Steve was not hearing any love from me because it was being blasted through a megaphone of disrespect.    He thought he was loving me well by not responding in a like manner. In fact, he felt he was taking the high road (and freely admits he self-righteously felt his was the right road, which your spouse can sense by the way….).   The more composed and quiet he remained, the less loved I felt, and I never heard the messages he was trying to send.Girls:  I’ve learned that HOW I say what I say to my man is just as important as WHAT I say.    Sometimes it’s more important, because if I am disrespectful, he won’t even hear it.   I’ve learned a few things about what Respect means to him:   It means asking him kindly to help with something, instead of instructing or telling him to.   It means refraining from responding emotionally until he has finished his sentence and I have asked a few questions to see if I have the whole story.  It means not interrupting.  It means not demeaning him – in private or especially in public.   It means letting him make mistakes without any ‘I told you so’s’ or heavy sighs.   It means not rolling my eyes when I disagree, but allow him to have his opinion.On a more positive note, it looks like asking for his input when I need to make a decision.  It means THANKING him for doing everyday tasks and helping out.  It means speaking in a tone that is honoring, even when I am mad.  It means trusting when he makes a decision, and standing by him as his teammate whether it goes well or not.Guys:  Steve is in full support of me continuing here and maybe helping you hear how your girl might feel more loved.  Guys.  Your wife wants to be pursued.  As in, come towards her, emotionally and physically.  Always.  Whether she’s in an OK place, or you can tell she’s not in a good place at all….  and you feel like running the other way…. DON’T RUN!  Pursue!    Especially then!    That’s when she needs you the most, even though it may appear that her claws are out and it might feel like hugging a porcupine.   Gently pursue.   Ask how you can help.    Ask how she is feeling.   Ask.   Ask .   Ask.  Let her talk it through.   Let her process and don’t take every word she’s spewing as gospel truth because she may be trying to talk until she figures it out herself!    Give her space to land – and come to a conclusion.   Learn what to let go right past you, and which words she really means.   She’s not trying to be misleading,   sometimes she truly doesn’t know yet.  When she has had her say, ask her what she would like for you to hear in all of that!    When you sense she is getting graspy, clingy, demanding, short-fused, try not to take it personally (unless you know it’s you!).   Tell her you love her.    Hold her hand.   Tell her you are sorry she’s feeling this way, and you’d like to help if she wants you to.    Every girl struggles with wondering if she is worth being pursued.That’s really good, and seems to be ringing true on a foundational level.    So I’m going to say it again.    Every woman struggles with wondering if she is worth being pursued.  Her daily struggle is to fight the lies that she is not pretty enough, not organized enough, not productive enough, not thin enough.     She rarely feels enough.  If you, as her husband, can daily and continually tell her she is more than enough, you will watch her blossom and begin to bloom!   If you can push past her outward demeanor to the need that is producing it, and speak words of love and kindness and admiration and attraction, your woman will begin to believe it.   This is coming from a woman who’s been there.     And from a woman who still forgets and still needs affirmation and love – and is thankful for a God and a husband who have been so gracious and kind.Good communication takes work.  It takes being intentional.  Girls, truly, I have found that I must first communicate with my Father before I can communicate well with Steve.  He alone can show me who I really am:  and He has SHOWN me that I am worthy of His love and adoration not because of what I do, but because I am His!  I am His daughter.  I must hear him tell me daily.   He made me need that – from Him – so I would run to him daily and receive more than I could have asked for or imagined!And guys:  your Father is so proud of you and respects the man you are, not because of anything you have done, but because you are His son.  And He is proud to be your dad, expectant of all you are becoming, and wants you to hear His well done, whatever the rest of the world may be telling you.Love well, friends.   Communicate love in a way your spouse can actually hear.  Practice it.  Ask for help if needed.  Ask your spouse if they are experiencing your love, if they know it.  Ask God to fill you with His complete acceptance and affirmation that you may go to your marriage ready to communicate what Father has communicated to you!