“Egalitarian?   Or more Complementarian?   You are a strong woman, a strong leader;  (and obviously Steve is a strong leader, too)   yet you seem to have fairly traditional views on marriage.   I’m just curious….”

We love continuing to do pre-marital mentoring with young couples:  they ask hard questions, keep us young;   they keep us REAL.  One young bride-to-be asked me the question above.   And honestly, I’m not the expert on these current labels or how they are defined in the context of marriage.   BUT I love the question.  What DO we believe?

We believe Jesus.  “In everything you do, be careful to treat others in the same way you’d want them to treat you, for that is the essence of all the teachings of the Law and the Prophets.”  Matthew 7:12  

In other words, if we treat each other like we would want to be treated, we would automatically fulfill all the other commandments given!   If we, in our marriages, would do that one, simple thing,  it takes care of all the other questions!!   If we could fulfill this one teaching of Jesus, we would not have to read one more book, listen to one more message, or peruse one more blog on marriage:    we would do it well, both parties would be loved, and marriage would work!     It’s hard to beat the golden rule:   Steve and I try to treat each other the way we would want to be treated!

“But what about submission? Headship?  Authority?”  Same!  Treat one another as you want to be treated, and those three would be taken care of as well!    Let’s look at it:

“ Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.   For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church.   He is the Savior of his body, the church.  As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.    

For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church.  He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.  He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish.  Instead she will be holy and without fault.  In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies.  For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself.  No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.  And we are members of his body.  As the scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’     This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.    So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”           Ephesians 5: 21-33 NLT

Put simply?    We are to submit to one another out of our reverence and love for Jesus.  The Passion Translation says ‘submit’ can also be translated as ‘be supportive of.’  It is a term of serving, yielding, giving to one another…  putting the other first, their needs above your own.  It’s really about being one:  truly united like a head and a body that are connected.  It is a partnership (ie.  Jesus has chosen us to co-labor with Him to be his hands and feet on the earth).  The Passion Introduction to the book of Ephesians says this, “The church is … the new temple where God’s glory dwells.  And the church is the bride of Christ, the beloved partner who is destined to rule with him.   How wonderfully he blesses his bride with gifts from above.  He gives us, both men and women, the grace to be apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors, and teachers who will feed and encourage the church to rise higher.  The greatness of God streams from Jesus Christ into the hearts of every believer.”

We realize the term ‘submission’ has also been abused and misused.  We do not believe that a woman should ever be mistreated or dominated.  We believe the biblical definition of submission is positive like honoring and respecting and loving .  It is the example of Jesus – true love serves and lays down its life for the other.

Pastor Kris Vallotton says he just gives his all to serve and do what’s best for his wife, and she does the same for him.  That’s a good word right there!   Steve explains it better than I do:  He tells all of our pre-marital couples:   “My job is to make Lori the best Lori she can be.”    That’s an amazingly good nut-shell.  (Thank you, God.)

He also says our society is a bit obsessed with the terms ‘authority’ and ‘rights.’  Like, if we loved well, we wouldn’t need them.   He sees his role as best defined as Servant-Leader;  (it’s also the way he sees his role as a business owner and Developer of Leaders at work):  true leaders lead by serving.  He believes if he fulfills his role as Leader in our home, I will thrive and be empowered to be all I can be, also a strong leader.   I feel the same:  if I am the ‘Helpmate’ and strong wife I’m called to be, I will support and empower Steve to be the best Steve he can be!

We make decisions together.  If we have trouble agreeing,  we wait and pray and come together again.  Ultimately, we both submit to Holy Spirit.  We trust each other, and recognize where each other may know best.  I will say this: there is a strength in my man that I am proud to say I lean on;  I appreciate that he is the initiator, a strong father to our sons, and one who continually steps in front of me to protect me.  I do not find this demeaning;  I find it incredibly sexy.   Call me old fashioned, but God did make us differently, and GUYS:  I’m guessing the more you initiate and lead your family, the more your wife will find you sexy, too.  (Read John & Staci Eldredge’s Love and War for more)

We believe all people are equal in value, equal in worth, and equal in God’s eyes!  We also believe that there are roles in life that each of us fill, depending on our individual strengths and callings, for the betterment of the marriage and society in general.  Our value is equal, our roles are different. (And some roles change, depending on what season of life we are in.)  Even in the Trinity, God the Father/God the Son/God the Holy Spirit are all equal – but have different roles.  It’s the way things get done!   Those of us who have already given up our lives to follow Jesus and have chosen to serve Him, have already died to our rights and received new life that we live – not for ourselves – but for Him.    Surrender and dying to self are already things we have chosen, and marriage is one perfect place for us BOTH to live those out practically before each other.

Honestly, we tell couples, don’t marry someone you hope will fulfill you.  Marry someone you want to partner with to help fulfill them and their destiny!  Someone for whom you would lay down your life.  Someone you want to support and serve and sacrifice your life so that they can truly live.  And if they are doing the same for you?  If BOTH are doing that for each other??   Wow.   That’s a picture of marriage, right there.