My friend is not reading this blog.  She lives out of state and we are no longer in communication, though I wish it were different.  She got stuck.  She didn’t know what to do with the pain.  She didn’t know what to do with the disappointment;  so she stuffed it down.   She felt she tried to tell him, tried over and over again to share how she was feeling.  How could he not see it?  Sense it?  He HAD to have known.  She pushed through for the kids.  They were her reason for staying.  She made up her mind and filled up her heart – with bitterness and the stuffed pain, till her heart was full and hardened with it.  Till there was no more room for any more fights or any more disappointments, and then one day  – she broke.

She had seen the opening, like a light at the end of a very long tunnel.  And now – broken and exposed and the kids almost gone – she was taking it.  She had to.   She couldn’t breathe.  She had been so stuck.   Freedom was beckoning.  And she was gone.

The hard reality about writing a blog about marriage is that the more we press in to all that God designed it to be – full of life and joy and purpose and perseverance – the more some of us see how far away we have drifted & how stuck we are.    And probably – the more it hurts.    And if that is you – and you are,  for some reason, still sticking with this and still reading this blog – we just want you to know:   we are praying for you.   We may not know who you are, but we know you are –  and we know you are hurting, and we are so sorry.

This day of blogging is for you.  In this very limited space, we can tell you two things:  there is hope – and there is danger.    There is help for you – and there is another voice who says it’s too late.   We pray you will find some comfort today, that you’ll hear you are NOT alone;  but you also need to know the truth.    There is Love pursuing you, and there is fear, and you are in the middle of a war.

First Thing:  There is hope.  There is help available.  And you are not alone.  So many of us have been there,  so many are exactly where you are today,  and so many have stories to tell you of how God has done miracles in their hearts.   And some have seen miracles in their marriage.   This road  is not an easy road,  but there is a road, and there is a Way, and there is One who wants to walk with you, and counsel you, and strengthen you, and love you in ways you may have never been loved before.   This is truth.   And this is hope.

Second Thing:  There is danger.  You have an enemy, and he wants to take you out.  Like, destroy your life. You feel like your marriage may already be dead, and he is rubbing his hands together in delight as he whispers, “You’re right.  It’s dead.   Bury it.  Move on.”    But here’s the thing:   He is a Liar.  He has been a Liar from the beginning and it’s his only play.  He knows he cannot control you, so he seeks to deceive you.  He offers you solutions that seem to be for you, but in the end, they will leave you with more pain and more destruction than you have right now.   Much more.   If he were to tell you the truth about the matter, you would never listen to him.    His name is Deceiver, and his only desire for you is to kill, steal, and destroy you.

This is why we all need a Savior.  Daily.   Jesus came that you may have life, real life, abundant and joyful life.  He came to expose the lies and destroy the workings of  the enemy in your life and in your marriage.  This not just platitudes.   Not just Christian rhetoric.   Jesus is real, and He brings real solutions, real peace, real clarity, and real healing.   The truth is that He is the Resurrection and the Life we long for, and he can therefore resurrect any marriage, any dead parts of our hearts, and any dreams we thought had died long ago.  This is truth, we have seen it and experienced it, and we wish we could sit over a cup of coffee with you right now, and we could look you in the eye and tell you story after story of impossible situations that God has turned into victories!

We would tell you of our friends who battled bitterness and critical spirits, which led to adultery and separation;  then just one of them began to pray and did not give up and  believed that God could move, and  began to sense a shift.   And they met and they talked and they began the work.  And they cried and they forgave and they did it week after week, month after month.   It’s been more than 15 years since then, and we have seen God change their hearts and save their marriage and they are our heroes in the bravest sense!!

We would tell you about some other friends who fell captive to cycles and addictions, and tried to get help, but the enemy found a day of weakness and tried to take one of them out;  it seemed he had won.  But God.  And they prayed.  And they cried.   And they asked for a miracle.   Then both began to take responsibility for their own stuff, instead of waiting and hoping for the other to change first.  They began seeking help for themselves.   And they reached out for prayer.  And they joined  a support group, and then another.   And they went.  And they worked. And they stumbled, and they got back up.  And they walk on, and they are winning.   And they are working and depending on God and would rather be in the light and known than stuck where they were, unknown and trying on their own.

How?  How did they do it?  Where in the world did they start?   In both these stories, and many more we could share, there is a common element.   Here it is:  They came out of hiding, and into the light.   They thought they would find judgement and shame when they shared how stuck they were, but instead they found freedom for their tired souls, and they found people who really cared and did not judge and loved them well and walked alongside and helped them find help.

Where?  Where can you find the same?    Start with a trusted friend, one who knows the difference between the light and the darkness, between Jesus and the enemy.  Start by walking in the doors of a church, or even giving one a call.   Start by asking your spouse if she or he would go with you to talk to a pastor or a counselor or a trusted couple you know.   Once you’ve found a trustworthy one whom you are convinced knows Hope and knows the Truth, tell them your story.  Share where you are.  They will not be shocked.  This battle is raging in more lives than we can count!   Not every marriage makes it, but more victories are happening than you would ever believe.  We’ve seen it.  We know them.  We want you to know the same!  I wish my friend from the story above could have known the same, but she didn’t tell me or anyone, anywhere, what she was going through.    No one knew, not even her husband.  The enemy knew.  And we are pretty sure his whispers where all she listened to.