A man was in a hurry, a little late for work.   He was rapidly trying to button up his dress shirt, but as he finished… ugh, he was off one button.  He tried again, thought he had adjusted, only to realize he was one button off in the other direction!  His wife noticed he was a little flustered, gently offered to help, and he gladly let her.  This time, she started at the top button, instead.   With the top button secured first, the rest of them fell right into line.

If you’ve flown anywhere in the last ten years, they always include in their opening instructions, “When the oxygen masks drop, please secure yours first, before trying to  place the oxygen mask on your child….”   Makes sense.  You can’t help anyone else if you yourself are not alive!

First things first.  When we put the most important things in life FIRST,  the rest of life – and marriage – will fall nicely into place, correctly aligned, a perfect fit.   When we give correct priority to the Love which sustains all else, we will then have love to give.

This morning God gave me a picture of two people coming to marriage, each with big cups, big empty cups, and they were so excited to get married because they were sure the other person would fill their cup.  But when they came together, they became disheartened and incredibly disappointed, because neither could give to the other what they themselves did not have.     Then I saw two different people come to their marriage, each holding their own cup.   But this time the cups were full and overflowing!!   They were so heavy they stumbled happily under the weight of them, bumping into each other as they came.  And the fullness of each their cups overflowed and spilled into the cup of the other; and the overflow became even greater and both were completely drenched with the spray of the excess and laughter and overflow from what they each had brought.

Most marriage problems are not marriage problems at all, but rather heart problems.

Most of the times we experience pain and emptiness and disappointment in marriage, it’s not a problem with the marriage itself, but with the condition of one or both of the hearts that are married.  Our hearts are empty.   In a culture where many of us are shaped by the relationships we see on TV or in the movies, we come to a faulty expectation that when you fall in love, your heart will be fulfilled!   In a culture where many families are splintered and the majority of marriages end in divorce, we sometimes conclude that if your spouse does not meet the deep needs of your heart, you should find a spouse that does.

I was having a tough day;  not terrible, but just one of those days of small disappointments that chip away at your heart without you even realizing it.  I pushed the snooze button a few too many times, checked my phone, got sucked into that important development on social media, and hurried into my day a little frazzled.   My friend cancelled lunch, which was fine, I had plenty to do, but I had been looking forward to her encouraging  presence and perspective on life.   Later that day, I realized I hadn’t heard back from another friend whom I had texted earlier that morning. She was probably having a a busy one, too.  I did meet up with that end-of-the-day coffee date, which was fun, but when I left, I realized we had talked about her and her life the entire time;  I don’t think she asked me a single question.   It was all good. She needed to vent.  I got the groceries, headed home, and had dinner waiting for my man when he came in.  I knew I could just use a hug.

But when he came in, his arms weren’t free for a hug.  He had his briefcase in one hand and his phone in the other, in the middle of a conversation.  He smiled at me across the kitchen, and went into the other room to finish the phone convo.   My heart felt a pang;  looking back, it felt like a rejection:  at least THIS person in my life was SUPPOSED to want to see me, talk to me, be with me.   Now even HE would rather be doing something else…   (anyone notice the lie that just developed?).

So by the time he got off the phone, my empty cup was drained, I was ticked off that he didn’t care to fill it, and I barely looked up when he came in to kiss me hello.  “Something wrong?” he asked.    “Nope.  I’m fine.  Go change.  Dinner’s getting cold…”  And the empty cup made a choice to agree with the lie so I could at LEAST be filled up with resentment and self pity and the victim spirit.

Looking back?  I missed putting the first thing first.  I didn’t start my day with the TOP button, nor did I have my oxygen mask on throughout the day so that I could freely give to others without being drained of life myself.    Jesus’ example reminds me:

“I love each of you with the same love the Father loves me.  You must continually let my love nourish your hearts. If you keep my commands, you will live in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands, for I continually live nourished and empowered by his love.  My purpose for telling you these things is so that the joy that I experience will fill your hearts with overflowing gladness!”  John 15:9-11

There is only one true source of love that will fill my cup!   His is the only love that is perfect, empowering, and never fails me!  His is the love that my heart longs for, the very life my soul needs to truly live!!   I was designed to live from HIS oxygen, HIS life, and His love for ME, and then be FILLED with it;    then and only then will I have any life or love to give.

This is more than a nice devotional.  This is truly the most practical truth I’ve ever found!  This is the one thing that has changed all things for me.  When I take time each morning to be with Jesus, to read and listen to His word, to soak in His presence and then respond by worshiping Him in joy,  the rest of my life comes into alignment with His purposes for the rest of the day!  When I wait in His presence until I see his face and let my heart be ‘nourished’ by His amazing love for me, then I am so overwhelmed by His goodness and kindness that His love just overflows my cup and spills on to every other person I meet!  Especially my man.      But if I depend on Steve to be the one to love me perfectly and fill the place in my needy heart that only Jesus can fill,  I will be left empty and disillusioned  from completely unfair and unrealistic expectations that I have placed on him.

Unfortunately, many of us have more than just one tough day.  We let a whole string of them run together and add up and leave us so dry and empty that there’s not one drop  in us.   We are so desperate and needy and mad at our spouses for not meeting our deepest needs that we think it is THEM that has let us down.  Instead, we have come with an empty cup and a very deep need that they were never meant to fill.  If this sounds all too familiar, here’s some good news:

“Come to me,” Jesus said.  “Are you weary, carrying a heavy burden?   Then come to me.  I will refresh your life, for I am your oasis.  Simply join your life with mine.  Learn my ways and you’ll discover that I’m gentle, humble, easy to please.  You will find refreshment and rest in me.  For all that I require of you will be pleasant and easy to bear.”  Matthew 11: 28-30 TPT

This is how good our God truly is!!  He made it possible for us to actually join our lives with His, to be filled with His Spirit, and to abide in His love every minute of every day.  There’s never a moment He doesn’t delight to be with you, never a second that He doesn’t want to hear every dream of your heart, never a thing that could come between you and His passionate love for you!

The best thing you could ever do for your marriage is to have your heart nourished by God.  The best way to be the husband or wife you truly want to be is to first be the son or daughter of the Father that you were designed to be!  (Completely loved, valued, and secure.)   Sometimes the best thing you can do for your unity in marriage, is to part ways long enough to spend time with Jesus by yourself.  Ask Him to fill your heart with His love for you;  ask Him to fill your cup.   Then go stumbling happily to your spouse with your cup so full and overflowing that you enjoy the collision of two full hearts spilling over with excess and joy and love to give!