We grew up together.   His family moved to our town of Muncie when Steve was in 5th grade and I was in 4th, as his dad answered the call to become pastor of our church.  (Yes, PK.  Explains a lot.  I know….)   My dad was on the search committee that invited Steve’s dad to come be our pastor, so both of our fathers take credit for our coming together!  Honestly, I thought he was a bratty preacher’s kid who never took anything seriously, and he thought I was a bit puffed up and too good to come to youth group every week;  who wants to play all those childish games? . . . But then we became friends!   We actually became great friends all through high school, hung out at both church & school, and often fixed each other up on dates with our friends.  He would talk to me about the girl he was dating, and I would confide in him about the guy I was seeing from another school.  We even went on double dates together….  as in,  not with each other!   LOL.    The day after he graduated from high school (I was a much younger junior), he and the girl he was dating, who was a good friend of mine,  and a guy I was friends with and I all went to Kings Island for the day to celebrate!   I remember thinking that day how much fun we had and how we never ran out of things to talk about as we stood in the hot sun waiting in line for the Beast….

He went to Ball State (just down the road).  It took us about another 8 months to realize that maybe the reason we kept wanting to ‘double date’ and hang out was because we were maybe more than friends??  Maybe??    But it was a risk.  What if we decided to date, and it didn’t work out…  would we lose a great friendship?  We decided to risk it;  and the rest, as they say, is history.   I finished my last 3 month of high school, and the day after graduation I moved to Cedar Point to start my first job in live shows.  Even after just 3 months of dating, it was hard to move 5 hours away from each other, so we decided we should probably ‘date around’ and not be tied down for those 3 months.

That lasted about 3 weeks.  By the second time he came to visit, I was so excited he was coming that I  broke a date with a guy who had bought concert tickets to take me to see The Imperials, one of my favorite groups.  When I realized I would turn THAT down to spend time with Steve,  well, that’s when a girl just knows….

I followed him to Ball State.   Luckily my two best friends and I had made the cuts for University Singers, which we were excited about, and it was a good excuse to go to school down the road from my house …. you know,  ’cause you never want to make a college decision based on a boy!!     (We dated all that school year.)

But then:  We broke up.   We had been dating almost a year, and a lot had changed in that year…. a lot of growing up and learning new things and discovering ….  wow, there are a lot of cool people to meet at college.  And I wondered why that cute guitar player in U.Singers kept smiling at me…. and I began to think.  “Hmmm.  Maybe we should take a break; I haven’t really spent time with any other ‘college’ guys…  you know, there are a LOT of them.  I think that guitar player believes in Jesus… ”

And so we had a conversation one night in my dorm room, we decided it was for the best, and we decided to break up.   I will never forget watching him walk out my door…

COMPARISON:  It is a dangerous trap, a real relationship-killer.   When Steve & I were spending time together, it was great.  But when I started looking around at other options, it just made me wonder?   What if?    Would it be better?  How would I know?  Were we missing out on the one God had for us by sticking with our high school sweethearts?

Comparison is also a marriage killer.  Home wrecker.  Peace stealer.  Anxiety producer.  We do just fine the first few years of marriage, maybe more, but at some point we realize that those irritations we thought would go away when we got married, actually increased.  We start noticing those happy couples on Facebook and Instagram, and how they seem to look at each other and have so many happy pictures…..  and here it comes.  Comparison.  And that ‘ol Deceiver whispers, ‘Don”t you wish you had that?  Didn’t you think your marriage would be like that when you got married?   Maybe you married the wrong….” And we listen and we consider, and we have to agree, “It’s true, we don’t have pictures like that….  maybe…..”  And in comes the Spirit of Comparison, happily making himself at home and ready to enlighten you to all the other areas of your life where you fall short and wish you could be more like…..

And for us girls, this spirit’s voice becomes louder and louder in every area of our lives:  “It’s probably because she’s so pretty….  No wonder a guy like that would marry someone like her…  How does she stay so thin?   I could never wear my hair that way… but she looks so young….  I’m just not good enough,  sophisticated enough, accomplished enough,” and the Liar is having a field day – or year- with our thought life.

GUYS:  I’m not sure how this works for you exactly, but it probably would be helpful for you to HEAR that nearly all the women I know have to battle against this Comparison spirit, and most have conversations in their heads like the one above.  Maybe daily.   The good news is, if you KNOW this, you can be her number one advocate in helping her battle these lies and comparisons from the enemy.    This is why words of affirmation and acts of romance and ANYTHING YOU CAN DO TO TELL HER SHE IS YOUR SPECIAL GIRL, and you are so glad you married her…..  (and you do this consistently, not just once a year,)  –    (pause here, in case any of you gentlemen want to write down those last few sentences.  Like, seriously, if you were to implement THAT, you would see miracles in your girl….maybe use your phone, take a picture,  make it your screen saver…  I’m talking miracles. . . .)

When a husband does those things, it will usually silence those lies in a heartbeat.  Men, the power you have to help defeat the enemy in your wife’s life is ENORMOUS!!   BE her Braveheart!  BE her encourager and advocate, and speak words that will build her up and let her know how beautiful she is to you!   This is real stuff, men, and while you are not responsible for your wife’s choices or her ability to receive it,   most women I know will thrive when you love her and affirm her consistently this way!    (Seriously, I may rent a billboard… this could change marriages across the world….  I don’t think you guys have any idea …)

Men, I know the comparison demon comes to haunt you as well.   And I probably don’t get it completely, but I can tell you this:  I’ve watched my husband for over 30 years.  Every time the other guy got the promotion, or the other Rep made more sales, or he lost another deal to that same competitor…  I watched him quietly battle, humble himself in his own prayer closet, and surrender his pride to the Lord.   I have seen him intentionally call ‘the other guy’ and congratulate him on his success.  I have seen him choose to celebrate others and sincerely work to make others great.  I have seen him, in one of the most competitive careers out there, work hard and compete hard and win often, but at the end of the day, realize that none of it defines who he is.   I have watched him win the battle of Comparison by choosing to humbly pour into others and promote others and celebrate others, and I’ve seen the Spirit of God activated by these intentional choices until it truly became who he is.   He truly loves seeing others succeed.  I love this about him more than words.  I admire it, because I am so far from being there.  I want to be more like him, and I ask God to give me that sincerity of heart and contentment in my identity as a child of God so that I could win at this comparison battle as well.

I think that’s truly it:  we get to choose.   Will we fix our minds and thoughts and hours on seeing how OTHERS are doing things, and how successful they portray themselves?  Or will we choose to be filled with the peace and love of Jesus enough to know that we are already beautiful and successful IN HIM?!   We are already accomplished and perfect in our spirit!  The real you is not flesh and blood, but the heart, soul, and spirit that is deeply loved and already raised with Him into the Kingdom realm.   What will we meditate on, fix our thoughts on, and think about throughout our days?

“So keep your thoughts continually fixed on all that is authentic and real, honorable and admirable, beautiful and respectful, pure and holy, merciful and kind.  And fasten your thoughts on every glorious work of God, praising him always.”  Philippians 4: 8 

Let’s awaken today to the slippery slope and danger of comparison, and intentionally reject that lying spirit by choosing to let Holy Spirit renew our minds with gratitude, kindness, and truth instead. And may we look for ways to rejoice in others’ victories and cheer them on to greatness, while remembering they probably battle the same comparison game that we do!

“So wherever jealousy and selfishness are uncovered, you will also find many troubles and every kind of meanness.  But the wisdom from above is always pure, filled with peace, considerate, and teachable… ”  James 3: 17  TPT

Oh, and that day that we broke up?  And Steve walked out my door?   I started to get this really sick feeling in my stomach as I realized what we had done!  I ran for the door, determined to chase him down,  and bumped into him on his way back in.   That was our longest break-up.   It lasted less than 3 minutes.