Lessons learned in 30 years of Marriage

As Lori and I have talked about this blog, the intent, the opportunity to share our lives in an effort to help others more quickly identify and overcome some of the real challenges we have faced, and the overwhelming gratitude we have for each other and our lives together, I wanted to provide some more direct “Guys perspective”.  Our relationship and marriage has been like most meaningful relationships in that the real gold or depth is found in sharing both the highs and the lows and knowing that we are in it with each other no matter what….we made a covenant with God that says just that.

As a man I see many things differently than Lori.  We are wired differently by God in His masterplan to have the two of us be exponentially better together than we are apart.  Our society has created a perception that the man or the woman needs to “Win/Lead/Control” which can create a competitive dynamic for marriage in our households instead of a cooperative/complimentary context.  I believe my primary role in life is to help Lori to reach her full potential in Christ; she feels her greatest opportunity in life is the same…..having her reach her full potential… No,  helping me reach MY full potential in Christ.  That sets the foundation for me looking for ways to serve her, encourage her, challenge her and to love her well and she does the same for me.

So guys why do our marriages seem so hard and overwhelmingly complicated some times?  Why do we feel like we are trying hard to provide for the family, communicate well, and encourage our wives, and yet they are not responding – or perhaps respond in a way that speaks……it’s just not enough?  I think I might be able to clarify a few things that can ease some marital frustration and increase the hanky panky opportunities:

1. Lead in the moment until it becomes natural. Many men can see leading someone else, girlfriend, wife, family as a very large task that requires doctorate level education or experience.  My advice is that leading happens best when taken in small intentional pieces.  Lead in the moment with small things, serving her first, anticipating her needs before they arise, being present in the moment.  Taking the little steps consistently creates big results.  You don’t have to have a master plan for the rest of your lives!!
2. Her emotions are very REAL….to her. I find that many of my most frustrated moments over our 30 years of marriage have been based on Lori’s expression of emotion and not really the topic we are working through.  Because of that, and the fact that we are wired differently, I have had a tendency to “put up with the emotions” to get to the real issues.  Experience tells me that I need to look at Lori in her entirety and address how the situation is making her feel and not just the situation.  Her feelings matter and they are a large part of loving her well.
3. Ask more questions guys… Lori is a highly relational person and she finds great enjoyment using words, engaging with other people and having deep conversation on relational topics.  I’m a relational person as well but I hit my word maximum for the day around 3:00 p.m.   Then it’s a struggle…. I would suggest that most women want to be discovered, over and over again.  Lori calls it pursuing.  Lori wants to be valued, engaged, sacrificed for because each time I do that I make a very positive emotional deposit in her and our relationship.  Asking questions is a great on ramp to that pursuit and connection.  Be intentional in this area, initiate, then LISTEN men!!!  Women, the best thing you can do as your part in this is respect the effort not the execution at first.  As with many things, we should encourage things that we want to see more of in our marriages.  Ask good questions and compliment often, more hanky panky is just around the corner.

Ladies, I feel guys can be placed in a very difficult position these days as it relates to initiating.  As an example, I was raised to open doors for women as a show of respect and honor, so I do so often.  Recently I was given a harsh look and told by a woman that she was quite capable of opening the door for herself.  My intent was to honor and her interpretation of my action did not align with that intent.

Guys please don’t take this as an excuse for you not to initiate, rather ladies please understand today’s environment and how it can cause men to hesitate.  Being clear, there are also some flat out lazy men who have become firmly placed in selfishness and blame because they have chosen not to initiate meaningful conversation with their wives to address the real issues in their relationship.  As Lori has stated in prior blogs, we have wrestled with many issues, emotions and heartaches but ultimately come to the conclusion that Jesus calls us to a cooperative marriage where we look to help each other grow to our God given best in His Kingdom.

In closing , the single greatest attribute to our marriage beyond our covenant with God is that we always try to HAVE FUN and not take ourselves and our situations too seriously.  Reality is, God is leading and we are listening and following Him.  How can that not be a great, FUN adventure!!