The Founder  is a movie about the beginning of McDonalds!  In the movie, two brothers, Mac & Dick McDonald, develop a brand new process in the 1950’s for making quality hamburgers in record-breaking time.  Washed-up salesman, Ray Kroc, (played by Michael Keaton) is impressed with this amazing process we now know as  the first ever ‘fast food’, and he made a deal with the brothers to franchise it.   The brothers were meticulous about their restaurant and process, insuring only the best quality, service, and environment.  Their first McDonalds was a creation of perfection & beauty and ran smoothly as well-trained employees believed in the mission and vision of the brothers.

The problems began when Ray Kroc would sell these franchises to whomever he could get to purchase them.  These ‘investors’ did not know about the original, beautiful design of the McDonald’s creation.   Instead, they hired just about anyone, hurried them through a process similar but not exact, and ended up with…  you guessed it, restaurants so far below the quality of the original design that it made the brothers heartbroken.  The rest of the story is about how Ray eventually cheats the brothers out of any ‘ownership’ stock, and basically takes credit for being ‘the founder’ of McDonalds.  It was heartbreaking.   The brothers end up with basically nothing and Ray becomes a billionaire with all the credit and fame.    As I watched the end of the movie, a righteous indignation rose up within me, “AGH!  It’s not TRUE!!  Ray stole  the brother’s designs!!!

If you read yesterday’s blog, you might have been expecting today’s blog to be about sex.  And here it is!

Sex was created and designed by God!!  He made it beyond AMAZING –  a wedding gift to every married couple to bind them together in the holy covenant of marriage!!  He made it in PERFECTION for ENJOYMENT of a husband and wife as they give of themselves entirely to each other!   In the safe context of marriage, and only there, can sex be the unbelievably beautiful and intimate and joyful gift that God intended it to be!

The problems began when people starting ‘franchising’ and attempting to have this kind of union OUTSIDE the original plans and designs of the One who created it.   The world has been filled with false substitutes and poor replicas of God’s original gift!  The enemy has stolen truly one of God’s most beautiful designs for humankind and cheapened it, slandered it, and marred it beyond recognition.   And as Steve and I are watching what the world is ‘buying’ from this Deceiver, a righteous indignation is rising up within us and wants to shout out to the whole world:   “WAIT!   THAT’S A LIE!  YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT THE ORIGINAL DESIGN IS ALL ABOUT:  IT’S FAR BETTER, IT’S INCOMPARABLE, AND IT IS UNMATCHABLE IN PLEASURE:   it is SEX within MARRIAGE!  And it is not only the best, it is the ONLY fulfilling sex out there!!”

(I know, this is a bit unusual:  sex is not usually compared to McDonalds…  we’re trying here…. YOU try to write a blog on sex… and how would YOU start it?  Just sayin ……)

Seriously!  We are tired of the posers and deceivers being the ones who educate on us sex!  We, the people of God,  the children of the Good Good Father who GAVE us this gift, need to start talking about this:   SEX IS AMAZING – IN MARRIAGE!!!!   We cannot count the numbers of movies or TV Shows out there that imply over and over again that once you get married, sex will be boring or unfulfilling or not existent at all.   Sorry.  Just gotta set the record straight:   IT’S A LIE!!!

ANOTHER LIE:   sex as depicted in the movies, yes even our favorite rom-coms, girls,  is not realistic or true!   It does not happen perfectly the first time, the bells do not always toll, and lovers are not anywhere CLOSE to knowing true intimacy with someone they barely know, much less trust them with their deepest heart.

TRUTH:  Father knows best.   He designed this gift He’s given to us!

“This is Solomon’s song of songs, more wonderful than any other.    Kiss me and kiss me again, for your love is sweeter than wine.  How pleasing is your fragrance;  your name is like the spreading fragrance of scented oils.  No wonder all the young women love you!  Take me with you;  come, let’s run!  The king has brought me into his bedroom.”

Did you know THAT was in the Bible?   (You can check out the whole Song of Solomon!)

“A husband has the responsibility of meeting the sexual needs of his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband.  Neither the husband nor the wife have exclusive rights to their own bodies, but those rights are to be surrendered to the other.  So don’t continue to refuse your spouse those rights, except perhaps by mutual agreement for a specified time so that you can both be devoted to prayer.  And then you should resume your physical pleasure so that the Adversary cannot take advantage of you because of the desires of the body…”   1 Corinthians 7: 3-5

TRUTH:  Sex is only truly satisfying  within marriage, because only then are you in a safe and secure relationship in which you can risk giving your heart away;  here you are sure of the one you are loving because they have proven their commitment through marriage to say, “I am yours.  No matter what.  I am not going anywhere.”   This is the beautiful foundation of true intimacy.   (And why ‘living together’ is not God’s plan…)

TRUTH:  In the same way that you need a first date, then a few dates, and then some time together before you can really get to know someone relationally,  SO TOO do you need a first time, then a few years, and a lot of wonderful practice together before you can really get to know someone physically!    It is a process of discovering each other that continues to grow after 10 , 20, and even 50 years of marriage!   Because God is so good, it really does go from glory to glory!!

TRUTH:  It doesn’t just “happen!”   It does take intentional learning, talking, sharing, and -praise God- practice!  It takes two people getting to know each other and studying the differences between each other and how to bless the other.   It takes two people who focus on pleasing the other, who then find out that they get blessed beyond measure in return when they are selfless in lovemaking!

TRUTH:  It should be filled with joy and laughter and awkward moments and more laughter and more joy and passion and tears of joy and unbelievable pleasure!  It should be like going on an adventure every time, cause the trail will keep turning as the seasons change, and you never know what you will find!!

TRUTH:  Men and women are beautifully and completely DIFFERENT in their needs.  SO different, that only when each puts the others’ needs above their own, can true fulfillment be found.  We think God knew what he was doing!

TRUTH:  God wants us married people to truly enjoy this gift of sex, both of you, and if you are not,  there is HOPE!   We ALL need to keep learning!   Many couples go through seasons of needing help!  And help is so available through counseling, or resources, or even trusted friends.   You are NOT alone!   The ONLY hopeless situations are the ones where we do nothing about it, we tell no one, and we just keep doing what we’ve always done expecting different results…. insanity!   The enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy, as we have been talking about…  and don’t you know this may be his #1 target in your life to steal from:    Why?  Because it is so key to your marriage.   

Hear it again:  if you are married and NOT experiencing growth and joy and true intimacy in sex,  you are not alone, and you can find help.  Pride would have us never tell a soul;   true sons and daughters of God know that when we humble ourselves, God will lift us up and help us and lead us!

We bless your marriage today!   We bless you to enjoy each other in sexual intimacy as husband and wife!   We bless you to start talking about it and keep growing in it, and as Steve often says, practice, practice, practice!  And we bless you to be honest, and take steps to find help, and don’t let the enemy steal from you any longer!   We bless you with joy and laughter and passion and oneness.   And we hope that every time you see a McDonalds, you will remember this blog,  and you’ll want to hurry back home. . .

Suggested Resources:

Love After Marriage   resources, book, classes   https:/www.nothinghidden.com

Love and War   by John and Staci Eldredge

The Sexually Confident Wife   by Shannon Ethridge

Marriage Series Part 3, Michael & Lorissa Miller, UPPERROOM Podcasts – March 11, 2018

Sex is God’s great wedding gift.

God created this wonderful gift for the first man and woman, and every couple since who is joined in a covenant of marriage, having promised “till death do we part.”

God created sex to join a man and a woman together PERMANENTLY, as ONE, a beautiful physical representation of what is also happening spiritually and emotionally – forever.

God designed the body of a man and the body of a woman to fit together perfectly, and to enjoy the deepest of pleasures and joys as they give their entire beings to one another.

What a good Father we have!!      What a gift He has given us!

Therefore, we are to receive it, and enjoy it, and cherish it as holy and sacred – as He is.

“But at the beginning of creation God made them male and female.  ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’  So they are no longer two, but one.  Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”     -Jesus,   Mark 10: 6-9

God has joined a man and a woman together by making them one by His gift of sex.

God also designed sex for the purpose of reproduction.  A seed planted in the ground will result in reproducing the fruit from which the seed came.  Another seed bearing plant will be born.  The seed of a man planted in the fertile soil of a woman’s womb will also reproduce another seed-bearing man or woman, who will grow up to reproduce more…

Therefore, it was God’s intention that the uniting of a man and woman as one in sex will also produce a result, or fruit, reproducing more of their kind.  The spiritual analogies abound.  Jesus taught:

 “I am the Vine, you are the branches.  As you live in union with me as your source, fruitfulness will stream from within you . . . If you live in life-union with me and if my words (seed) live powerfully within you – then you can ask whatever you desire and it will be done.  When your lives bear abundant fruit, you demonstrate that you are my mature disciples who glorify my Father!”        John 15: 5, 7-8 TPT. 

 This helps us understand the analogy from Ephesians 5, when marriage is said to represent the union of Christ and His bride, the church.  (dots starting to connect here?)  Our union with Jesus is also to reproduce others of the ‘Christ-kind’.

The point?   This is serious business!   This is us getting to be a part of something much bigger than ourselves!  This is us married people receiving the great privilege of showing the world Who God is,  how God loves,  and what God’s faithful COVENANT looks like:  through the way we love and become one and remain faithful in marriage.   Through the way we honor each other and reproduce babies and enjoy sex in our marriages.

“Flee sexual immorality.  All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.  Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own;  you were bought at a price.   Therefore, honor God with your body.”  1 Corinthians 6: 18-20

Now that we have been made one with Christ, we are one forever, a part of him, like a head and a body are one person.   Jesus will NEVER separate from us or be unfaithful to us by leaving us.  Our spiritual union with him is to be permanent.

In the same way, the uniting of a man and a woman in sexual union is to make them one:  permanently.  Never to separate.

Therefore, to unite ourselves in a sexual union with ANY other person outside the marriage covenant between a man and a woman, is outside God’s purposes and intentions for sex.  This is what the bible calls sexual immorality.

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure (NIV), for God will judge sexual immorality in any form, whether single or married.”    Hebrews 13: 4 TPT

SINGLE PEOPLE:  Sex is like glue that permanently BONDS.   Picture the man and the woman as two paper plates.  If you GLUE two paper plates together,  and make them one, it is to be permanent.  What happens if, after being glued together, you try and separate the two paper plates?

This is exactly what happens to two people and their hearts when they have sex outside of the marriage covenant and then are pulled apart.  Because the sexual bond was not DESIGNED to be broken, there will be ripping of hearts, much pain, and much brokenness.   Part of the one will always remain or be a part of the other, much like the ripped piece of the paper plate will stick to and remain with the other even as they are ripped apart.   Neither will be whole or healthy now, as they have given part of themselves to the other & cannot get it back.

When God tells us in his word to flee from sexual immorality, (any sex outside of marriage), it is because He loves us so deeply and knows that we will be hurt/ broken.  He knows that a sexual union WILL produce fruit:  and not always good fruit.  Sometimes the fruit will be broken hearts and fractured souls, sometimes disease, and  sometimes pregnancy before a covenant marriage and family are established.

Because our loving God is the Redeemer, and Jesus has purchased our forgiveness, God can enter any scenario at any point along our journeys and redeem:  bring good out of it, IF we begin to trust Him enough to start living our lives in the safety of His ways.  He is always there to begin the healing process when we confess and surrender to Him!  Hear that again:  for those who wish they had heard this message years ago or had made different choices than you did, you can start today!  God is the God of second chances, new beginnings, and can make ANY of us new and pure and holy when we confess (agree with God what is and what was not his best for us) and receive His forgiveness!  He cleanses ALL of us from ALL unrighteousness! See I John 1: 9

But Singles, our hope in this particular blog is to cast such a vision for the TRUTH and REAL PURPOSES for God’s wonderful gift of sex, that you will trust Him and choose to follow his intentions!  The fruit of THAT decision – to wait and save sex until you are married – will be faithfulness and perseverance and self-control , and will result in you living in freedom, with no guilt & no shame & no brokenness & no regrets…. and ready to give yourself entirely to the one who loves you enough to commit to you for life in the covenant of marriage.

Guys:  any woman you date is someone else’s wife (unless and until she becomes yours in holy matrimony);  therefore, treat her as someone else’s.   She is not yours.   Honor her.  Fight to protect her.  And honor yourself by saving your whole self for the one you will be united with for life in marriage.

Girls:  it’s already been said.  If a guy ever asks you to give yourself to him without him giving himself to you in marriage, flee.  End it.  You want a godly man who loves you more than his own fleshly desires.   You are worth it, girls.   And God’s glory is worth it.  And you can honor God and yourself by saving yourself for the man who will be your husband forever.

Truth:  There’s no greater gift you could give each other on your wedding night than to be able to say, “Here I am.   All of me.  I fought for this and saved myself completely for you.”     (even if you start today….)

Sex is God’s great wedding gift.   You are God’s great wedding gift to each other.  

(Tomorrow we will look at this some more;  sex in marriage is AWESOME…… See you then!)

(Pictured:  Steve & Lori’s dating years ^)

They’d been dating maybe eight months or so.  They came to us and said, “How do you know when your differences are healthy, and when they are too different?  How do you know when you should continue to date and work through things, and when to say we have too many things to work through to be dating any longer!?”

We were impressed with their questions.  “Why don’t we grab coffee and talk about it?”

They were all in.  After a few of these times of discussion, they very intentionally made the ask, “Would you be willing to meet with us consistently?  We know we are not engaged, we are not anywhere near that.   But we want to know, we want good counsel … we want to date well while we are deciding….”

For Steve and me, having met with engaged couples for nearly 20 years, this was like music to our ears!!!   YES!  YES!  And a thousand times YES!!   Are you kidding?  This was our DREAM!    This was what we had been trying to promote, hoping to cast vision for, wishing that EVERY couple could proceed this way!!!   Truly, we are hoping this is just the beginning;  we pray they are starting something-  something really cool.

If you’re single, this blog is for you.        If you’re married, keep reading because we are all awakening to the fact that all of this is bigger than just your marriage and ours:  it’s about fighting for marriages yet to come, and the purposes of God yet to be fulfilled.

The best marriages start long before the marriage. 

The best marriages start with teachable hearts!   Are you single?  This is your time to learn!  Do you want a love that will stand the test of time, a marriage someday that not only survives but actually thrives?   Then this is the time to be building your foundation:

>Spend as much time as you can with Jesus and learn who you are in Him.  Ask someone to mentor you and disciple you as you follow him and learn your true identity!

>Spend as much time as you can in community with other Jesus-followers.  Learn to serve others and lay down your life in devoted relationships and sacrificial living.  Practice healthy relationships, forgiveness, and living in the light (nothing hidden).

>Look at marriages you admire, pick a joyful few you’d like to learn from, and ask if you can ask them questions and learn from them about relationships.  Ask. Ask. Learn!

>Pray and ask God to give you not only a spouse for your future, but a complete contentment in Him until that time comes.   Do not rush or force it.  TRUST Him to bring it to you in His time!  Get to know Holy Spirit and the peace that comes from His life in you.  His peace makes you most attractive to the opposite sex.   Desperation does not.

>Ask Holy Spirit to fill you with His joy- another fruit of His life within you!  This joy is constant, whether you are dating someone or not.  Your joy should not depend on others- but on Jesus’ love for you!  He is the true lover of your soul and the best friend you will ever have!  Joy attracts and is contagious.  It’s who God has designed you to be.

The best marriages start by choosing well:   

>Becoming friends, spending time in groups, and taking it slowly before dating has made for the most successful couples we know!  There is no rush to “date”.  Friendship is truly the best foundation for a great marriage in the future!

>When you do decide to date, choose someone who shares your devotion to Jesus.  This will be evidenced not just by ‘going to church’ , but by how they live their life every day!

>When you do find someone you think could make a good mate some day, know that dating is intentional:  don’t just give your heart away to just anyone, ‘just for now’, when you know they are not someone you could ever marry.  This will only eventually break both your hearts.

“Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers.  How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?  What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil?  How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever?  And what union can there be between God’s temple and idols?  For you are the temple of the living God.”   2 Corinthians 6:14-16

>Have trustworthy friends and mentors in your life who will tell you the truth:  honestly.  Before you even begin to date, (and potentially fall in love), ask them their opinion, “Do you think this would be someone good for me to date?  Would he/she help me continue to grow in my faith?  What do you think?”   And be TEACHABLE and humble enough to listen.  Consider.  And mostly, pray.   What do YOU say, God?  And Listen!  He LOVES to answer!  Even just one step at a time.  Getting good counsel is the wisest thing you can do:    “Through pride and presumption come nothing but strife;  But wisdom is with those who welcome counsel.”    Proverbs 13: 10      And keep asking for counsel and input as you continue to date.  This is really huge!

The best counsel we could recommend for marriages is not just Pre-Marital Mentoring, but    PRE-ENGAGEMENT MENTORING!    Just like the couple at the beginning of this blog, we highly encourage – if you at all possibly can – to meet with a mentoring couple BEFORE getting engaged!   Guys, ask the Godly men in your life what they think.  Talk it through.   Girls,  do the same with your mentors.   Then find a couple you admire and trust and meet with them consistently for a while.  Let them into your lives and share with them the ups and downs of your relationship.   Ask for their counsel, their wisdom, to pray with you and for you.   Be HUMBLE and TEACHABLE enough to INVEST this kind of time IN THE MOST IMPORTANT HUMAN DECISION you will make on this earth!!  (next to your decision to follow Jesus, of course!)    This decision will determine the course of the rest of your life, your children’s lives,  and your lineage for generations to come.

Marriage is to be a picture of God’s covenant love with us His people.  Marriage is God’s favorite and first way of spreading and multiplying His gospel and His Kingdom!   Marriage is a high and holy calling, showing the world who our God is!  Marriage should bring out the best in you, demand the most of you, and result in the most joy…. if you choose well.  If you build well. If you are teachable!  If you seek godly counsel.  If you listen to Holy Spirit.   If you trust Him enough to wait for HIS Yes!  

Tomorrow, we’ll look at some more practicals that can either help or hinder your single years and your dating life.  We’re gonna talk about God’s amazing gift of sex and the wonderful purposes for which he created it!    We’re hoping both singles and those married might want to check back in for THAT!

A man was in a hurry, a little late for work.   He was rapidly trying to button up his dress shirt, but as he finished… ugh, he was off one button.  He tried again, thought he had adjusted, only to realize he was one button off in the other direction!  His wife noticed he was a little flustered, gently offered to help, and he gladly let her.  This time, she started at the top button, instead.   With the top button secured first, the rest of them fell right into line.

If you’ve flown anywhere in the last ten years, they always include in their opening instructions, “When the oxygen masks drop, please secure yours first, before trying to  place the oxygen mask on your child….”   Makes sense.  You can’t help anyone else if you yourself are not alive!

First things first.  When we put the most important things in life FIRST,  the rest of life – and marriage – will fall nicely into place, correctly aligned, a perfect fit.   When we give correct priority to the Love which sustains all else, we will then have love to give.

This morning God gave me a picture of two people coming to marriage, each with big cups, big empty cups, and they were so excited to get married because they were sure the other person would fill their cup.  But when they came together, they became disheartened and incredibly disappointed, because neither could give to the other what they themselves did not have.     Then I saw two different people come to their marriage, each holding their own cup.   But this time the cups were full and overflowing!!   They were so heavy they stumbled happily under the weight of them, bumping into each other as they came.  And the fullness of each their cups overflowed and spilled into the cup of the other; and the overflow became even greater and both were completely drenched with the spray of the excess and laughter and overflow from what they each had brought.

Most marriage problems are not marriage problems at all, but rather heart problems.

Most of the times we experience pain and emptiness and disappointment in marriage, it’s not a problem with the marriage itself, but with the condition of one or both of the hearts that are married.  Our hearts are empty.   In a culture where many of us are shaped by the relationships we see on TV or in the movies, we come to a faulty expectation that when you fall in love, your heart will be fulfilled!   In a culture where many families are splintered and the majority of marriages end in divorce, we sometimes conclude that if your spouse does not meet the deep needs of your heart, you should find a spouse that does.

I was having a tough day;  not terrible, but just one of those days of small disappointments that chip away at your heart without you even realizing it.  I pushed the snooze button a few too many times, checked my phone, got sucked into that important development on social media, and hurried into my day a little frazzled.   My friend cancelled lunch, which was fine, I had plenty to do, but I had been looking forward to her encouraging  presence and perspective on life.   Later that day, I realized I hadn’t heard back from another friend whom I had texted earlier that morning. She was probably having a a busy one, too.  I did meet up with that end-of-the-day coffee date, which was fun, but when I left, I realized we had talked about her and her life the entire time;  I don’t think she asked me a single question.   It was all good. She needed to vent.  I got the groceries, headed home, and had dinner waiting for my man when he came in.  I knew I could just use a hug.

But when he came in, his arms weren’t free for a hug.  He had his briefcase in one hand and his phone in the other, in the middle of a conversation.  He smiled at me across the kitchen, and went into the other room to finish the phone convo.   My heart felt a pang;  looking back, it felt like a rejection:  at least THIS person in my life was SUPPOSED to want to see me, talk to me, be with me.   Now even HE would rather be doing something else…   (anyone notice the lie that just developed?).

So by the time he got off the phone, my empty cup was drained, I was ticked off that he didn’t care to fill it, and I barely looked up when he came in to kiss me hello.  “Something wrong?” he asked.    “Nope.  I’m fine.  Go change.  Dinner’s getting cold…”  And the empty cup made a choice to agree with the lie so I could at LEAST be filled up with resentment and self pity and the victim spirit.

Looking back?  I missed putting the first thing first.  I didn’t start my day with the TOP button, nor did I have my oxygen mask on throughout the day so that I could freely give to others without being drained of life myself.    Jesus’ example reminds me:

“I love each of you with the same love the Father loves me.  You must continually let my love nourish your hearts. If you keep my commands, you will live in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands, for I continually live nourished and empowered by his love.  My purpose for telling you these things is so that the joy that I experience will fill your hearts with overflowing gladness!”  John 15:9-11

There is only one true source of love that will fill my cup!   His is the only love that is perfect, empowering, and never fails me!  His is the love that my heart longs for, the very life my soul needs to truly live!!   I was designed to live from HIS oxygen, HIS life, and His love for ME, and then be FILLED with it;    then and only then will I have any life or love to give.

This is more than a nice devotional.  This is truly the most practical truth I’ve ever found!  This is the one thing that has changed all things for me.  When I take time each morning to be with Jesus, to read and listen to His word, to soak in His presence and then respond by worshiping Him in joy,  the rest of my life comes into alignment with His purposes for the rest of the day!  When I wait in His presence until I see his face and let my heart be ‘nourished’ by His amazing love for me, then I am so overwhelmed by His goodness and kindness that His love just overflows my cup and spills on to every other person I meet!  Especially my man.      But if I depend on Steve to be the one to love me perfectly and fill the place in my needy heart that only Jesus can fill,  I will be left empty and disillusioned  from completely unfair and unrealistic expectations that I have placed on him.

Unfortunately, many of us have more than just one tough day.  We let a whole string of them run together and add up and leave us so dry and empty that there’s not one drop  in us.   We are so desperate and needy and mad at our spouses for not meeting our deepest needs that we think it is THEM that has let us down.  Instead, we have come with an empty cup and a very deep need that they were never meant to fill.  If this sounds all too familiar, here’s some good news:

“Come to me,” Jesus said.  “Are you weary, carrying a heavy burden?   Then come to me.  I will refresh your life, for I am your oasis.  Simply join your life with mine.  Learn my ways and you’ll discover that I’m gentle, humble, easy to please.  You will find refreshment and rest in me.  For all that I require of you will be pleasant and easy to bear.”  Matthew 11: 28-30 TPT

This is how good our God truly is!!  He made it possible for us to actually join our lives with His, to be filled with His Spirit, and to abide in His love every minute of every day.  There’s never a moment He doesn’t delight to be with you, never a second that He doesn’t want to hear every dream of your heart, never a thing that could come between you and His passionate love for you!

The best thing you could ever do for your marriage is to have your heart nourished by God.  The best way to be the husband or wife you truly want to be is to first be the son or daughter of the Father that you were designed to be!  (Completely loved, valued, and secure.)   Sometimes the best thing you can do for your unity in marriage, is to part ways long enough to spend time with Jesus by yourself.  Ask Him to fill your heart with His love for you;  ask Him to fill your cup.   Then go stumbling happily to your spouse with your cup so full and overflowing that you enjoy the collision of two full hearts spilling over with excess and joy and love to give!

Oh, those faces!   The way they look at each other!  Such joy.  Seriously, are you not smiling right now, just looking at them smiling at each other?  (I thought so….)  Steve & I never knew that our capacity for joy would only multiply when our CHILDREN felt joy.  It is surreal, like multiplied by a million, the way your heart can be so happy for their happiness.   No words.  It’s why a picture is worth a thousand of them.  (Thanks for indulging me in a parental, Mama Lori moment…._)

Wouldn’t it be great if we, as married couples, continued to look at each other this way – like past the wedding day & beyond to every day of all our days?  “Be real, Lori.  Like seriously?”     Like, seriously.    Humor me for a moment . . .

GUYS:  be honest.   Wouldn’t you kind of like it if your wife looked at you this way when you got home from work each day?   Or when you bumped into each other on your way out the door in the mornings?    And GIRLS, I’m pretty sure there’s not a one of us who wouldn’t love to see our husbands look at us like the picture above.  To be on the other end of THAT look…   Oh, how our hearts long for it.

“They are so young,” you say!  Yes.  They are young.   “They haven’t hit the realities of marriage yet, and how hard it can be….”  No, in the picture above, they had not yet experienced any of the hard moments, the hurts, and the challenges of marriage.  I get that:  but now they are 2.5 years in, and I can tell you from what I saw last night when they were standing in our kitchen…  they have – now – experienced a bit… and they are still looking at each other that way.    In fact, I know quite a few couples who have been married 10, 20, even 50 years …. and they still look at each other this way!  Maybe not all the time…  but they do look.   They see!    They smile.   And there is abundant joy!

FRIENDS!!   JOY is POSSIBLE!!    LOL!   Joy is actually the original INTENT of our GOOD Father who gives us such GOOD gifts when he gives us each other!!   This is actually to be our norm – and Steve and I believe it is not only possible, it is what marriage is meant to be!!    Now, we aren’t going to talk about the enemy any more today, but here’s the deal:  he really doesn’t want our marriages to work;  and if he can’t destroy them, he will at least try to steal from them.    Steal joy.   We’re writing today to say let’s take it back!   Let’s awaken again to JOY!

We love walking through Menards.  Well, STEVE loves walking through Menards, and I love walking with Steve!~  So it’s not uncommon that on many of our date nights, we will just need to stop in and make a Menards run!   He is excited because they’re running their 11% off sale, and I’m excited because I don’t really care…. about anything at the moment… except holding his hand!  I don’t have to plan where we go,  I don’t have a list or an agenda of anything that I, the wife, have to accomplish, so it’s kind of like being on vacation for 20 minutes …  I just hold his hand and skip along (yes, sometimes I skip), and we just go.     Have.     Fun.

And it occurs to me, as has happened so often these last few weeks of blogging, as I am in the very motion of typing those words, I am realizing why we love going to Menards!!!   Holy Spirit is revealing truth, and I am smiling and shaking my head, and answering Him, “Of course.  You’re right.   That’s exactly why we like to go to Menards!!!”  I just got it!    Like, right now.

I’m reading the phrases from above:  “I’m excited because I don’t really care… about anything except holding his hand… don’t have to plan… don’t have a list… or agenda…” And there you have it.  Girls:  when we don’t have cares-  or rather- when our cares don’t have us, when we’re not fixated on our plans, when we’re not obsessed with the list and our agenda of getting things done, or worried that they won’t, or stressing about the kids or the work load at work ….   wow,  we’re a whole lot more fun to be with!

Do you see it?   It could just be me.  But isn’t it true that on our wedding day, much like Bailey in the picture above, we only have ONE care in the world:  we just care about being with our man.   That’s all.  We are only fixated on one thing:  becoming his wife, and holding his hand, and when we look at him we see the one we want to walk through life with:  through highs and lows, through having kids and empty nests, through hard times and sad times … we just want to walk.   With him.

When did we start caring about more things, more than that?  More than him?  When did we stop looking at him and start looking at our lists, our agendas, our phones?  When did we stop being fun?

Contrast the two following scenes:  we’re going out on a date.  (Yes, we still date each other and we highly recommend that you married couples don’t ever stop …)  I bought a new dress; I’m going to sing, “I Feel Pretty”…  but my iTunes isn’t working as I get ready, and I just give up trying to fix it.   I go to put on my shoes, but realize our dog has been chewing on both heels… $#*@%#$.   Love that dog.  Ok.   Deeeeep breath, Lori.  I find just the right necklace and am putting it on… and trying to latch it, and still trying, but I can’t line it up because my eyes aren’t what they used to be… in fact, I can’t see it at all… and I’m starting to perspire, and I’m gritting my teeth…  and … FORGET THE NECKLACE!!!!!   AGHHHHHHH!.        DEEP,   DEEP BREATH.  And now he’s calling me, “Lor?  We’re gonna miss our reservation….  are you ready?”   And now I’m mad at myself for taking so long and frustrated we are going to have to rush… on a date..  and I say, a bit louder than I intended, “YES.  Dang it.  I’m coming…”     To which he retreats towards the car;  I follow.  He is walking carefully, considering the egg shells beneath his feet, and I am stomping, in my messed-up heels; and we get in the car and slam the door, and… he is not only not looking at me the way a girl longs to be looked at, he’s actually afraid to look at all.

Scene two:  it’s a late Sunday afternoon, we actually have a few hours to just plop on the couch and watch some football.  I put on my favorite sweats, and he is wearing like-wise, and we make some unhealthy queso for the chips, and I’m actually looking forward to just doing nothing, so I kiss him on the cheek, and steal the queso, and keep him from having any….   and – look at that.   What is he looking at?  He’s looking at me – like -what?  Like I had WANTED him to look at me on our date!   But he’s looking at me like that NOW?  I’m wearing my old sweats!  And he is smiling!

Could it be, girls, that what attracts our men to us is not the fab ensemble, or the hair fixed right…. but the heart of a girl who can just be.   And be fun???    Could it be that he finds me more beautiful when my heart is free and I can just be, no matter what I look like on the outside?  This is a phenomenon.  We girls may be a little slow.

And Steve is still smiling, and I say, “What?”   And I’m thinking he wants the queso, but now I’m starting to see…..  and he says, “Are we having fun now?”  with that hopeful grin on his face!    And I know he is happy to have me back.   To have me caring again, only just about him;  and letting the rest of the cares take a back seat,  letting my to-do lists wait till tomorrow, and letting the thought of tomorrow NOT steal my joy today.

I think I take the to-do of life a little too-seriously.   I think Father God designed us to trust him with our to-do;   He wants us just to-be.   I think the next time my to-do doesn’t go as planned, I need to just let it to-go.  To laugh.  To realize that the one I’m with is more important than the one thing I’m doing.  And the being with is more important than the getting done, and that loving well is the only thing.   to-care.   about.

So, friends.  Go have some fun this week.  Plan a date.  Or 2 hours at home – to just be.  Or go to a movie, and steal the popcorn.   And wake up and be present, and be aware of the one you love, and be …  fun.   And look at each other, and see.  See the one you saw back then, when you said, “I do.”   And don’t wait for the other to go first:  Men, your women will melt if you take time to look at them like that again.  It will CAUSE the cares to go!  And girls, let the rest go and look and see and smile and be.    Present.  Fun.  In-joy.  It makes you more attractive than you will ever know.

“I know!  It’s true – he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings… but I am so mad!  I can’t stop feeling so angry!!!  Why can’t I stop crying?”  All I could do was nod.  Yes.  I know.  I’ve so been there. I knew exactly how she felt . . . just last night I had….

Girls, we’ve ALL been there.   Guys, I honestly don’t know exactly how these things work for you, but read on, guys, ’cause even if this isn’t a common experience for you, I’m 99% sure it is for the one you’re married to….

I mentor and disciple and talk with amazing women almost every day of  my life.  The above conversation is so common, I can’t even tell you.   Like – this is nearly universal for us women.  Let’s be clear:  Our emotions are a gift from God.  They are given, I believe, to allow us to experience on so many different levels the goodness of God in all the blessings he sends our way.  God designed us women to feel deeply, to feel compassionately, to FEEL….

So, it’s not our emotions that are the enemy;  we don’t want to stop feeling.  Our emotions can clue us in to what’s going on inside of us.  When our emotions begin to be out of control- or rather controlling us – they are like lights on the dashboard of our car alerting us to danger:  something’s not right!  We need to pull over and look under the hood.  Stop and assess.  ‘Cause if we just keep driving, we may blow an engine – or something worse!  Here’s the good news!   We CAN pull over.  We can take action before damage is done!  We have the Perfect Mechanic riding with us and living in us every day to help us recognize, assess, and take action.  He has been given to us to give us VICTORY over anything that wants to hinder our joyous journey in marriage – and in life.  Married or not, this is good news for us today!

In my prayer time today, God popped this example scenario into my mind:

“WAIT!!  Eve!!   Hang on!!   Don’t take that bite!  LOOK!!  You think that cute little serpent is your friend, but he’s not!  Look again:  he is actually your enemy and he is acting like your friend by making it sound like he wants what’s best for you!  But he has never told the truth to ANYONE;  he is a liar!  Look!   See what’s happening here?”

And Eve looked again at the serpent.  And she looked at the apple in her hand…. and she chose to believe God’s warning over what appeared to be good…”

Wouldn’t it have been great if someone had stopped Eve mid-motion into her bite, and spoken truth that WOKE HER UP to what she was actually doing?   Obviously, she didn’t know she was being deceived, cause those being deceived are never aware of it, by very definition of the word ‘deceived!’  (pause.  You may want to read that again…)

Today’s blog is to say WAKE UP!!   Check this out!   Because that’s what God has been doing for us…  for me and Steve.  He’s been waking us up to the real battle and the real enemy and the real truth about life and emotions and marriage:

“For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places….  Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil.”       Ephesians 6: 12-13

Yesterday, we declared that your spouse is not the enemy.  Our enemy is evil and he is spirit.   So how do we battle an enemy we cannot see?

“The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world.  On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.  We demolish arguments and every pretension (lie) that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”  2 Corinthians 10: 4-5

And there you have it:  that’s our battle strategy!   Every emotion starts with a thought.  Therefore, we diligently pay attention to our thoughts – what we are thinking about – to make sure that they are Christ-obedient = Truth, instead of lies from the enemy.

Let’s return to the young woman from the top of the page who knew she should forgive her husband, but couldn’t stop feeling angry:   ie. her feelings of anger were now controlling her and her thoughts, instead of the other way around.  It is not a sin to feel ‘angry’ (or any other negative emotion or thought):  it’s what we do when we first FEEL it that can lead to problems. We always have a choice!  We will either take the thought captive and make it obey Jesus, or we will be taken captive by it and made to obey it.

This battle is from the beginning:  “In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord.  And Abel also brought an offering … The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor.  So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast. 

“Then the Lord said to Cain, ‘Why are you angry?  Why is your face downcast?  If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?  But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door;  it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.'” Genesis 4: 3-7

Sin here is a person – just one you can’t see = a spirit.  It is ‘crouching at your door’ and ‘it desires to have you’ or master you.   When you and I get offended, or disappointed, when we are angry or fearful,  the enemy will no doubt be crouching at your door to turn that one thought or feeling into more.  He knows if he can use your current situation to get you to agree with HIM, then he’s in.  When we agree, we open the door and let him in.  That’s when he ‘has’ us, and we have failed to rule over it.

Example:  Steve is late.  I look at my phone.  I send him a text.  No response.  I have a choice.  I can choose to remember that he is a good and respectable man who must have had something come up,   or I can give into my frustration and let it have it’s way:  ie. open the door.   It’s so easy to think, “Ugh. Why hasn’t he called!  Why can’t he just pick up the phone and let me know?   Why can’t he interrupt whomever is delaying him, and let them know he needs to go,  or at least needs to make a phone call…..”   And I begin to add one thought after another as to why I deserve to be offended and frustrated and angry….  And as soon as I ‘agree’ with this temptation of the enemy, I have opened the door to a SPIRIT of offense,  a SPIRIT of anger,  etc.   NOW, this has become a spiritual battle, and I am under the influence of a spirit that is causing me to feel overcome, over-powered, controlled by it.  (“Why can’t I stop feeling angry?   Why can’t I just forgive?”)

WAKE UP!  At THIS point, this is where we need to say, “WAIT!  Don’t take the bite of the apple!   Don’t agree with his lie!  It’s the ENEMY !   FIGHT HIM, NOT YOUR SPOUSE!”     How?  We:

1. Recognize what spirit has come in:  Name it.  (ie. Spirit of  Anger)
2. Renounce & break agreement with him  (I break any agreement I have made with Anger, known or unknown.  I renounce the lie that my man is uncaring, thoughtless
3. Redirect : Tell the spirit to go in Jesus name.   Ask God to take him far from you.
4. Remember the Truth:  ask God what His truth is instead?  (Father, what do you want to give me instead of a spirit of anger?)  And listen to Holy Spirit!!  Receive!

We CAN take every thought captive!   We can recognize when lies or spirits are crouching at our door!!  And we can ‘do what is right’ and MASTER that which desires to master us!  By recognizing what the enemy is attempting to do, we see our spouse in a different light.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by anything that is not of God,  anything NOT GOOD: depression, hopelessness, judgement, jealousy, fear, etc. . . begin to recognize this is NOT what God has for you, and stop and ask, “What just happened to make me feel this way?  What lie am I believing?   What spirit has just ruled/mastered me?”  Then go through the above four steps, and know that you have authority in Jesus’ name to be victorious!

Last, pay attention to what you say and declare about yourself, what you confess is what you “agree” with.     Example:  “I’m just highly emotional.  I just have a bad temper…  I just don’t have any self-control…  I just get depressed…”   etc. etc.   Begin to speak what GOD is saying about you instead:   “I have been given power and love and a sound mind.   The fruit of His Spirit in me is love, joy, peace, … self-control…  I am a child of God, made in His image.  I have been given the mind of Christ.  I have been made new.”  Knowing the TRUTH and speaking HIS THOUGHTS over yourself is what demolishes lies and truly sets us FREE!   Victory!

“And you shall know the Truth and the truth shall set you free.”     John 8:32

“I am not the enemy,” Steve said to me!      “And I am not the enemy, ” I said back!

We looked into each others’ eyes, smiled, and held hands.  And we knew it was true.  We turned our attention back to the speaker at the Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference we were attending.  Little did we know how that one phrase would be one we would repeat over and over, for years to come!   Thirty years in, and we still need to say it, rehearse it, and awaken to it.  Daily.

Your spouse is not the enemy.   You may feel that she is,  that he is,  but they are not.   But you do HAVE an enemy, and he is real, and he has a scheme, and he wants to take you out.  As in destroy you.  And your marriage.

You may not be in the same kind of pain and situation that we talked about yesterday, but we happen to know from the feedback we are getting as this blog continues, that many of us do have pain, we do have struggles, and we all need help.   Let’s just say this out loud:  there is no perfect marriage.  There is not one out there that doesn’t struggle with its share of conflicts and hurts and disappointments.  There is not one of us married persons who does not get frustrated, angry, tearful, bitter, jealous, resentful, bored, hopeless . . .

And that’s when he comes.  The REAL enemy.  His name is Deceiver, and we talked about him yesterday.   He cannot control you, so he seeks to deceive you.  It’s his only play.  When you have a moment of feeling that hopelessness, anger, etc, he is right there to add fuel to your fire.  He takes your experience and whispers to your soul, “This will never change….   He will always do this to you…   She will always be this way.”   And you hear it, and you consider, and you have to agree, “It’s true.  This is hopeless.”   And he has you.  Right then.   At that moment.  As soon as you AGREE with him, you have chosen his lie over the truth of God and the truth about your spouse,  and you are in it.  He has set you a trap, you have stepped right into it, and WHAM – the trap shuts on you.

Now that he has a captive audience, he continues to whisper, “It’s becoming clear now.  Remember all the times he ….   All the times she…. ”  More Fuel.  More fire.   “It’s so exhausting.  No one deserves this.  It’s not fair.  There’s more out there . . .”  And you hear it, and you consider, and you have to agree, “It’s true!!!  This is not fair!  I do NOT deserve this!  I deserve to be happy!”     And he rubs his hands together in delight, and pours out the rest of the can, “God wants you to be happy.   He would not want this for you.  Face it, you just married the wrong person. . . ”   And you hear it, and you consider, and the lie has been upgraded to a belief.  “If God is good, He would want me to be happy, not put up with this.”

And you call your friend, whom you know will understand.  She – or he – will agree with you.   In fact, that’s what they’ve been trying to tell you.  (The Liar uses many voices…).   And you go to Facebook, ’cause right now you just need to know you’re not alone;  that someone out there cares.  And you wish they weren’t out there, but right here.

And you turn on your phone, and you make sure you’re alone, and you just go there.  The voice is reminding you, you deserve some happiness,  some relief from this endless cycle.  And the trap is set, and he rubs his hands together, and you access the site, and you step into the trap thinking you will feel better and find some freedom to do what YOU want to do …. and BAM…  the trap snaps shut, and you are captive, and no longer free, and the voice is laughing and pointing and inviting his friends to come on in and see this!   So Shame and Guilt come waltzing in, and they laugh even louder, and you need them to be quiet, and you can’t go back, and you are slave.    To the enemy.

“The serpent was the shrewdest of all the wild animals the Lord God had made.  One day he asked the woman, ‘Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?’    ‘Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,’ the woman replied.  ‘It’s only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat.  God said, ‘You must not eat it or even touch it;  if you do, you will die.'”

“You won’t die!” the serpent replied to the woman.  “God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil.”  The woman was convinced. . . ”    Genesis 3: 1-5

The Deceiver came against those God made in His image.  Those God loved.  And God loves you, and the Deceiver still comes.   He brings just enough truth that you recognize it, then he twists it just enough that it SOUNDS like it would be true.   And while he’s at it, he wants you to question God’s heart for you.  He wants you to think that God is holding out on you, that He cannot be trusted completely.   And THAT is the root of all lies, and probably the root of yours and mine that we have believed.  

But the truth is, God is completely good.  And He is FOR you.   “And remember, when you are being tempted, do not say, ‘God is tempting me.’  God is never temped to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else.  Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away.  These desires give birth to sinful actions.  And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.  

So do not be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters.  Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change…”    James 1: 13-17

Here’s the truth:  There is a good, good Father who loves you,   and there is a Lying Enemy who wants to take you captive to do his will.    There is a WAY that is Truth and Life and His name is Jesus and he says, “Follow me!”  and there is a way that SEEMS right to a man but in the end it only leads to death.

More Truth:  If you are married to a person, that is the RIGHT person for you!  None of us are completely RIGHT, but if Jesus has made us new, He has made us RIGHT, and made it possible for us to be right with each other and be forgiven and be loved.

Your spouse is not the enemy.  (Can you recognize where the Deceiver has been lying to you?)      Your spouse is, however, battling against the same enemy you are.   (Can you see where the Deceiver may be lying to them?)

GOOD NEWS!!!!  His gig is up!  The curtain is pulled away, and you can see WHO the enemy is!  And you can look at each other, and come together, and face him as one, and tell him to GO, in Jesus’ mighty name.   The One who is in both of you is so much greater than the one who is in the world.    There is no match.  It’s all smoke and mirrors.  He is a liar.  He has no power over you except that which you give him by agreement.  So we ask God what the Truth really is, we choose to agree with HIM, and then we stand together – in prayer and unity and the power of the Holy Spirit!   Tomorrow we will look at how this plays out practically, in every-day life!   Making for every-day victories!

Let’s say it again:  You have nothing to fear;  we just have to be aware!  Fight the good fight, and fight the right enemy!   Fight for your spouse today!  Fight for your marriage!    Declare and agree with the Truth today, and it will set you FREE!!    ‘Cause good grief, the one who is in both of you is SO much greater than he who is in the world!

“But you belong to God, my dear children.  You have already won a victory … because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.” I John 4: 4 NLT

My friend is not reading this blog.  She lives out of state and we are no longer in communication, though I wish it were different.  She got stuck.  She didn’t know what to do with the pain.  She didn’t know what to do with the disappointment;  so she stuffed it down.   She felt she tried to tell him, tried over and over again to share how she was feeling.  How could he not see it?  Sense it?  He HAD to have known.  She pushed through for the kids.  They were her reason for staying.  She made up her mind and filled up her heart – with bitterness and the stuffed pain, till her heart was full and hardened with it.  Till there was no more room for any more fights or any more disappointments, and then one day  – she broke.

She had seen the opening, like a light at the end of a very long tunnel.  And now – broken and exposed and the kids almost gone – she was taking it.  She had to.   She couldn’t breathe.  She had been so stuck.   Freedom was beckoning.  And she was gone.

The hard reality about writing a blog about marriage is that the more we press in to all that God designed it to be – full of life and joy and purpose and perseverance – the more some of us see how far away we have drifted & how stuck we are.    And probably – the more it hurts.    And if that is you – and you are,  for some reason, still sticking with this and still reading this blog – we just want you to know:   we are praying for you.   We may not know who you are, but we know you are –  and we know you are hurting, and we are so sorry.

This day of blogging is for you.  In this very limited space, we can tell you two things:  there is hope – and there is danger.    There is help for you – and there is another voice who says it’s too late.   We pray you will find some comfort today, that you’ll hear you are NOT alone;  but you also need to know the truth.    There is Love pursuing you, and there is fear, and you are in the middle of a war.

First Thing:  There is hope.  There is help available.  And you are not alone.  So many of us have been there,  so many are exactly where you are today,  and so many have stories to tell you of how God has done miracles in their hearts.   And some have seen miracles in their marriage.   This road  is not an easy road,  but there is a road, and there is a Way, and there is One who wants to walk with you, and counsel you, and strengthen you, and love you in ways you may have never been loved before.   This is truth.   And this is hope.

Second Thing:  There is danger.  You have an enemy, and he wants to take you out.  Like, destroy your life. You feel like your marriage may already be dead, and he is rubbing his hands together in delight as he whispers, “You’re right.  It’s dead.   Bury it.  Move on.”    But here’s the thing:   He is a Liar.  He has been a Liar from the beginning and it’s his only play.  He knows he cannot control you, so he seeks to deceive you.  He offers you solutions that seem to be for you, but in the end, they will leave you with more pain and more destruction than you have right now.   Much more.   If he were to tell you the truth about the matter, you would never listen to him.    His name is Deceiver, and his only desire for you is to kill, steal, and destroy you.

This is why we all need a Savior.  Daily.   Jesus came that you may have life, real life, abundant and joyful life.  He came to expose the lies and destroy the workings of  the enemy in your life and in your marriage.  This not just platitudes.   Not just Christian rhetoric.   Jesus is real, and He brings real solutions, real peace, real clarity, and real healing.   The truth is that He is the Resurrection and the Life we long for, and he can therefore resurrect any marriage, any dead parts of our hearts, and any dreams we thought had died long ago.  This is truth, we have seen it and experienced it, and we wish we could sit over a cup of coffee with you right now, and we could look you in the eye and tell you story after story of impossible situations that God has turned into victories!

We would tell you of our friends who battled bitterness and critical spirits, which led to adultery and separation;  then just one of them began to pray and did not give up and  believed that God could move, and  began to sense a shift.   And they met and they talked and they began the work.  And they cried and they forgave and they did it week after week, month after month.   It’s been more than 15 years since then, and we have seen God change their hearts and save their marriage and they are our heroes in the bravest sense!!

We would tell you about some other friends who fell captive to cycles and addictions, and tried to get help, but the enemy found a day of weakness and tried to take one of them out;  it seemed he had won.  But God.  And they prayed.  And they cried.   And they asked for a miracle.   Then both began to take responsibility for their own stuff, instead of waiting and hoping for the other to change first.  They began seeking help for themselves.   And they reached out for prayer.  And they joined  a support group, and then another.   And they went.  And they worked. And they stumbled, and they got back up.  And they walk on, and they are winning.   And they are working and depending on God and would rather be in the light and known than stuck where they were, unknown and trying on their own.

How?  How did they do it?  Where in the world did they start?   In both these stories, and many more we could share, there is a common element.   Here it is:  They came out of hiding, and into the light.   They thought they would find judgement and shame when they shared how stuck they were, but instead they found freedom for their tired souls, and they found people who really cared and did not judge and loved them well and walked alongside and helped them find help.

Where?  Where can you find the same?    Start with a trusted friend, one who knows the difference between the light and the darkness, between Jesus and the enemy.  Start by walking in the doors of a church, or even giving one a call.   Start by asking your spouse if she or he would go with you to talk to a pastor or a counselor or a trusted couple you know.   Once you’ve found a trustworthy one whom you are convinced knows Hope and knows the Truth, tell them your story.  Share where you are.  They will not be shocked.  This battle is raging in more lives than we can count!   Not every marriage makes it, but more victories are happening than you would ever believe.  We’ve seen it.  We know them.  We want you to know the same!  I wish my friend from the story above could have known the same, but she didn’t tell me or anyone, anywhere, what she was going through.    No one knew, not even her husband.  The enemy knew.  And we are pretty sure his whispers where all she listened to.

“Egalitarian?   Or more Complementarian?   You are a strong woman, a strong leader;  (and obviously Steve is a strong leader, too)   yet you seem to have fairly traditional views on marriage.   I’m just curious….”

We love continuing to do pre-marital mentoring with young couples:  they ask hard questions, keep us young;   they keep us REAL.  One young bride-to-be asked me the question above.   And honestly, I’m not the expert on these current labels or how they are defined in the context of marriage.   BUT I love the question.  What DO we believe?

We believe Jesus.  “In everything you do, be careful to treat others in the same way you’d want them to treat you, for that is the essence of all the teachings of the Law and the Prophets.”  Matthew 7:12  

In other words, if we treat each other like we would want to be treated, we would automatically fulfill all the other commandments given!   If we, in our marriages, would do that one, simple thing,  it takes care of all the other questions!!   If we could fulfill this one teaching of Jesus, we would not have to read one more book, listen to one more message, or peruse one more blog on marriage:    we would do it well, both parties would be loved, and marriage would work!     It’s hard to beat the golden rule:   Steve and I try to treat each other the way we would want to be treated!

“But what about submission? Headship?  Authority?”  Same!  Treat one another as you want to be treated, and those three would be taken care of as well!    Let’s look at it:

“ Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.   For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church.   He is the Savior of his body, the church.  As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.    

For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church.  He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.  He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish.  Instead she will be holy and without fault.  In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies.  For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself.  No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.  And we are members of his body.  As the scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’     This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.    So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”           Ephesians 5: 21-33 NLT

Put simply?    We are to submit to one another out of our reverence and love for Jesus.  The Passion Translation says ‘submit’ can also be translated as ‘be supportive of.’  It is a term of serving, yielding, giving to one another…  putting the other first, their needs above your own.  It’s really about being one:  truly united like a head and a body that are connected.  It is a partnership (ie.  Jesus has chosen us to co-labor with Him to be his hands and feet on the earth).  The Passion Introduction to the book of Ephesians says this, “The church is … the new temple where God’s glory dwells.  And the church is the bride of Christ, the beloved partner who is destined to rule with him.   How wonderfully he blesses his bride with gifts from above.  He gives us, both men and women, the grace to be apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors, and teachers who will feed and encourage the church to rise higher.  The greatness of God streams from Jesus Christ into the hearts of every believer.”

We realize the term ‘submission’ has also been abused and misused.  We do not believe that a woman should ever be mistreated or dominated.  We believe the biblical definition of submission is positive like honoring and respecting and loving .  It is the example of Jesus – true love serves and lays down its life for the other.

Pastor Kris Vallotton says he just gives his all to serve and do what’s best for his wife, and she does the same for him.  That’s a good word right there!   Steve explains it better than I do:  He tells all of our pre-marital couples:   “My job is to make Lori the best Lori she can be.”    That’s an amazingly good nut-shell.  (Thank you, God.)

He also says our society is a bit obsessed with the terms ‘authority’ and ‘rights.’  Like, if we loved well, we wouldn’t need them.   He sees his role as best defined as Servant-Leader;  (it’s also the way he sees his role as a business owner and Developer of Leaders at work):  true leaders lead by serving.  He believes if he fulfills his role as Leader in our home, I will thrive and be empowered to be all I can be, also a strong leader.   I feel the same:  if I am the ‘Helpmate’ and strong wife I’m called to be, I will support and empower Steve to be the best Steve he can be!

We make decisions together.  If we have trouble agreeing,  we wait and pray and come together again.  Ultimately, we both submit to Holy Spirit.  We trust each other, and recognize where each other may know best.  I will say this: there is a strength in my man that I am proud to say I lean on;  I appreciate that he is the initiator, a strong father to our sons, and one who continually steps in front of me to protect me.  I do not find this demeaning;  I find it incredibly sexy.   Call me old fashioned, but God did make us differently, and GUYS:  I’m guessing the more you initiate and lead your family, the more your wife will find you sexy, too.  (Read John & Staci Eldredge’s Love and War for more)

We believe all people are equal in value, equal in worth, and equal in God’s eyes!  We also believe that there are roles in life that each of us fill, depending on our individual strengths and callings, for the betterment of the marriage and society in general.  Our value is equal, our roles are different. (And some roles change, depending on what season of life we are in.)  Even in the Trinity, God the Father/God the Son/God the Holy Spirit are all equal – but have different roles.  It’s the way things get done!   Those of us who have already given up our lives to follow Jesus and have chosen to serve Him, have already died to our rights and received new life that we live – not for ourselves – but for Him.    Surrender and dying to self are already things we have chosen, and marriage is one perfect place for us BOTH to live those out practically before each other.

Honestly, we tell couples, don’t marry someone you hope will fulfill you.  Marry someone you want to partner with to help fulfill them and their destiny!  Someone for whom you would lay down your life.  Someone you want to support and serve and sacrifice your life so that they can truly live.  And if they are doing the same for you?  If BOTH are doing that for each other??   Wow.   That’s a picture of marriage, right there.

“Nice to meet you.   And this is my bride, Lori….”   I admit it.   I love it.  I love it when my man introduces me as his bride.   There’s something powerful about choosing that word over ‘wife’.   What’s the difference, you may ask?

When he introduces me as his ‘bride’, I somehow feel young and chosen again.   It takes me back, reminds me:  like a bride feels on her wedding day,  it is ‘her’ day!   She is the princess of the ball, the queen of the day, the focus of all the attention!   Made by God to  display beauty in unique ways,  this is one of our favorite days to be and feel beautiful!!

As a bride, we are expectant and full of hope!   We are living a dream come true and dreaming a life yet to come!  We are beginning a new chapter, full of possibilities and full of faith in the man that we are marrying!    We are gracious!  We are thankful!  We are full of joy.

Now sometimes the word ‘wife’ can carry a different connotation.   At least that’s the difference I have seen in my own life.   Sometimes beautiful brides can become weary wives!   We begin full of hope and joy, and then life happens.    The jobs take time and energy;  the new house needs repairs and finances we don’t have.   The new baby is not sleeping, and the new momma isn’t feeling so beautiful at the moment.   The dreams we started with have collided with reality, and the strong love that could endure anything is being strained.   It is what it is:    life can be hard.

I remember just feeling cranky.   Anyone else relate?  Even in the first few years:  I didn’t know teaching seventh graders would be so hard, or that I would be so tired, or that we would fall into bed most nights without the fireworks we had dreamed of!  Within a few years, we had two kids, Steve’s hours at work were long, and my fuse had become quite short!   The beauty of being a bride seemed a distant memory as I didn’t feel very beautiful nor act it.   Sometimes, this crazy cycle is worse than the communication one.  We fall out of thriving mode into surviving mode.  The bride has become ‘the wife’.

Now we girls aren’t the only ones who suffer when this happens;  we tend to forget this affects our men as well.  (Yes?  Guys?) Truly the two have become one, and what happens to the one also happens to the other.   I’m guessing we girls aren’t the only ones missing our happy-go-lucky selves!   I’m guessing our men may be thinking, “Where is the joyful girl I dated and proposed to?   What happened to happily ever after?  Where did we go?”

Ready for some good news?  Steve continuing to call me his ‘bride’ helped change me!  It reminded me, season after season, that all the things that the word ‘bride’ represented were really all the things I wanted to be, who I think God designed us to be, girls; our true selves!  Even in the tough seasons, the busy days, and the hard realities of life, we can still BE brides;  we can still be husbands who proudly declare, “This is my bride!”

Words are powerful.   Steve has always been known to say, ‘We can use our words to either build up, or to tear down.’   I think the Bible agrees:

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”  Ephesians 4:29

Guys:  is your bride no longer blossoming, maybe wilting a bit,  a little cranky?  Words of life can be like a spring rain, nourishing her soul, bringing her back to life again!   Words of encouragement can build her UP!  “You look smashing, tonight, dear, ” and watch her stand up a little straighter!  “I read your article from work, sweetheart;  you killed it!” and watch her smile again!  “I don’t know how you do it, but you are an amazing mom!” and watch her energy level rise!    “And tonight, babe, I’m taking you out, so get dressed up and let’s go someplace nice!” and watch the twinkle return to her eyes.

And girls, this goes both ways, don’t forget!  Have you noticed your man looking tired, seeming distant these days?   Do you know how things are going for him at work?  Words of life, either way, can be a game-changer for your husband as well:   “You work so hard for us, honey.  Thank you for getting up and going day after day….”  and see if he doesn’t look up!  “I think you should sign up for that old basketball league you used to play in – your skills are needed out there!”  (and then go and cheer him on!)  and watch him start flexing in the mirror again!   “You’re sexier now than the day we married!” and hear him start singing in the shower again.

Could it be God knew we would need each other to refresh and encourage each other with our words of life?  Did he know we would need the one who knows us best to be the one who believes the best and speaks the best out of us?   No matter your love language, words of encouragement can truly change the atmosphere, and change the one you love into the one they were designed to be, but maybe forgot about.

And here’s the best word:  don’t wait for the other to start the encouraging!   Be the first to start the life-giving,  try to outdo one another in ‘building the other up’.  Be so intentional about speaking words of life that you don’t measure or wait for the other to go first;  and you’ll find a funny thing happening.   As you partner with the great Encourager , the Spirit of God himself, you will find a joy you had forgotten rising up within you.  You will be acting like Him, with Him helping you, and you will be finding part of your destiny:  to speak life as He has done for you.  Hopefully, you spend time each day listening to and reading the true words of Life from the Word himself. And you will feel His heart for your spouse rising up within you, and you will speak, and there will be life.   Encourage your spouse.   Build them up with your words.  Nourish their souls with truth and reminders of who they were created to be!  And watch them blossom and bloom, from wives to brides, from weary to waking, from deadness to life!

“And never let ugly or hateful words come from your mouth, but instead let your words become beautiful gifts that encourage others;  do this by speaking words of grace to help them.”    Ephesians 4:29 TPT