“Why are you doing it that way?   Seems like it would be easier if ….”

“Why are you going this way?   This can’t be the fastest….”

I used to believe that marriage is about finding the RIGHT way, and learning to do it together.  But I’ve come to believe that there are at least two different ways of doing nearly everything in life & in marriage, like we will have two different ways of seeing everything.  All the time.  So now I’m starting to believe that the greater goal is to try to honor the differences and honor the one I’m married to by being open to learning and appreciating a possible new way!

Now, I’m not talking about the major issues in life.  I’m thankful we each chose someone with whom we agree on the most important things:  and in this regard, there is only ONE way, praise God, and He is it.  Steve & I both help each other find His way daily!!

But then there are the minor issues, the ones that seem to bring up my major issues:  like what route to take to get somewhere, or how to grill the meat, or even how to apologize!  We are in year 30, and I am still blown away by the fact that I’m surprised when he doesn’t do things like I do!   (I’m a little slow, I know….)  He doesn’t always do things as I would.  And I don’t always do things as he would.

It’s not the differences that are the problem.  It’s how we treat and react to the differences that cause the division!   We’ve been discussing love and respect and honor, (the last two being nearly synonymous), but these differences are where I’ve had trouble applying them!!  When Steve turns down a certain road that I wouldn’t have chosen, I automatically verbalize my astonishment!  WHY?  To us control-freak girls, this seems like a logical question that could save us hours…  ok, minutes…  well, at least multiple seconds… and therefore, I am justified in bringing it up.   In questioning.

But guess how my man ‘hears’ that, girls?   He hears it through that megaphone of disrespect:  I’m questioning him (and not kindly).  I’m not trusting that he may have a plan.  I’m not asking humble questions for discussion, I’ve actually become ‘questioning’ in my attitude.  I’m suspicious of his focus, his productivity, his ‘intelligence’ as it may sometimes sound!  It’s a wonder he can find his way around the city after 30 years!! (insert sheepish emoji)   (Is this feeling accurate, guys?)

“Would you like to drive?”   I used to think he was a bit sensitive when he would reply with this remark.   Now I see that my disrespect warranted it. By questioning each other quickly or harshly, we actually do this to each other all the time.  We judge, we ascertain, and we quickly communicate that my way is better than yours.  Honor?  Out the door.

Now it really gets sticky when our differences are seen in our spiritual giftings or how we relate to God.   Consider a typical Saturday morning at our house:  I love to find a comfy chair, pour a hot cup of coffee, and snuggle in with my Bible and headphones and journal… to be with Jesus.  I can study His word for hours, and I get so excited and amazed about what I’m reading and learning that I want to text everyone and share how incredible God is!  Who wouldn’t want to spend 2+ hours doing this?!!   During this same time, Steve can be found out in the garage, with ratchet in hand, working on a friend’s car.  In the garage.   He’s already been up a few hours earlier than me, having helped a friend who needed some assistance moving.   Now’s he’s –  in the garage.

For years, I would think, “Geese.   He’s in the garage!  What about the two hours with God?   Help him, Jesus…..”   And he was in the garage, quite possibly thinking,  “Ah, she’s finally up.  And back in her chair…..  will she ever actually DO something today????”

It took us a few years of marriage, and a few doses of humilty, to realize, “Wait!   Your giftings are not the same as mine?”  Steve has one of the most amazing gifts of Service I have ever seen.  Like, it just IS what he naturally does.  He is always helping someone and giving to someone and is so happy and close to Jesus while doing it!  He also has a gift of wisdom that astounds me, like I couldn’t believe he already knew that and did that, and it took me 7 books on the subject to even begin to get it!      And yes, these gifts from God are so different from my teaching and shepherding gifts, or my encouragement or worship passions.

When we began to appreciate and HONOR the giftings that the other had, life took a whole new turn down the road of freedom and joy!   When I began to see that he serves not only others, but me as well, I began to honor him and tell him how I valued him.  When I realized that he was discipling men out in the market place and yes –  out in the garage- I thanked God for his wisdom!  When he graciously gives me space to study and learn and ‘go have coffee with the girls’;  when he affirms me with ‘I’m so glad you can encourage her,’  and ‘Thanks for writing our blog that I could never sit still that long to do but am so for it and for you and …. ”  and takes time to tell me, I feel loved and respected.   We are learning.

We are so different.  We see now how maybe that was God’s plan all along – men and women are just different.  Each human being is different.    Though each is made in the image of God, each is wired and gifted differently to display aspects of our Creator and Father that only he or she can display!   Each of us is a unique, one-of-kind masterpiece, meant to be studied and discovered and honored for the person God has made them to be and the purposes for which He made them!!   No one else can do what God has designed your spouse to do specifically, in their way, in their sphere of influence!   No one else can reflect God the way your spouse does!  No one in all of creation can have the relationship that they – or you – have with Father God, as each relationship is unique and beautiful and ….  different.

And no one can affirm  and encourage your spouse to be who God created them to be the way that you can!  No one has been given the enormous privilege of building them up day after day to go and do it in the ways that you have!!  No one else’s words mean as much, weigh as much, or empower them as much as yours – for you know them better than any other living soul on the planet.  Tell them again today:   Live it!  You can do it!  Be you!  Be the light God made you to be!

And no matter how differently they do life as we journey to where God wants us to go, cheer them on in honor and respect.   Believing in them is honor at it’s finest, no matter which road they choose to take!

Late again.  On the way to church.   Late and arguing again.  On the way to church.  This probably never happens to you.  But I am often late.  And when I’m late, I get frustrated, at myself mostly, but he doesn’t know that, he just sees I’m frustrated and late again.  On the way to church.

Greeter:  “Good morning!  How are you?”   Me:  “We are good,  well, a little late….  but pretty good.  Well, I’m the one that made us late.  Then I make it worse by …”  My husband interrupts my confession:  “My wife is a passionate person.  It’s one of the things I love most about her.”     And there.    He did it again.  He saw me at my worst, stopped me from going down the self-condemnation trail, and turned me around with a word of honor.

Honor.   We give places of honor to those we want to feel special.  We invite one to be a maid of honor to recognize the special place that person has in our life.  We give medals of honor to recognize those who sacrifice for others, sometimes their very lives.

Paul was speaking to the church family when he wrote the following, but I think it has to start in the most intimate of our relationships before it can be authentically given to others outside our marriages & families:    “Hate what is evil.  Cling to what is good.  Be devoted to one another in love.  Honor one another above yourselves.”     Romans 12:9-10

Steve could have let me continue to confess my shortcomings.  He could have even chimed in and agreed with me.  He had a choice, and he chose to do the opposite.  He chose to honor, not because I deserved honor, but because he is honorable.

This is true honor:  to look beyond the behavior and see the true person you married, the real person inside made in God’s image, still in process of becoming like Jesus.   Honor sees who that person is, completely redeemed already, free from the hindrances of brokenness, and speaks that out.   Honor chooses to let the Holy Spirit bring the conviction, while you bring the encouragement that you believe in them!    You are for them!   You know who they really are,  even if they are having a bad day, or week, or year….

Honor doesn’t ignore there are problems, but honor protects your heart while you are working through them.  Honor presents you in the best light to others around you and stretches the tent pegs to give you room to grow right then and there.   Honor has your back when you don’t know it;   honor speaks of the good.  It sincerely loves, it hates the evil that torments you and it clings to what is good and true about you!  Honor stays devoted, even when you don’t deserve it.

Honor acts.   I love to make a big deal of Steve’s birthday;  to mark big days at work;  to plan ahead for big Anniversaries to honor the day and the years and the committment;  and God’s faithfulness.  But honor is not always this easy.  Honor is sometimes hard. Honor forgets about itself long enough to plan ahead and do something that will cause the other person to feel honored.  Honor sometimes costs us – it chooses to sacrifice self to honor another;  this is why they give medals for it. Honor the other ABOVE yourself.

Honor speaks.  Honor encourages.   Honor thanks.   Honor tells others of your best and your successes and your joys!  Honor is given, it is a gift.   Honor calls out the gold in you.  Honor waters the seeds of greatness in you, long before they have sprouted or have born any fruit.

And then honor changes you.  It causes you to want to become that which has been honored in you.  It compels you to believe that maybe you could be – maybe it’s possible.  Honor makes you think differently about yourself, like you want to BE that honorable.

We all go through times when we are not being our true selves;  when our behavior or emotions are out of alignment with who God made us to be and what is best for us.   Maybe your spouse has forgotten who they are.   And you have felt helpless.   But you are not!  Honor can remind them;  you can honor them for who they are, not for what they are doing!   Honor them for who you know they are meant to be!   Honor the good, speak out sincerely what you love about them, what you see that God has put in them!  How you see what they bring to this world!   They may just begin to believe it.  They will want to honor your honor.

God has honored us by honoring His word.  He has kept His word to us, He has continued to be faithful, even when we are not.  He will continue to believe in us and give to us and honor us, not because we are always honorable, but because He is.  May you partner with your honorable God today to honor the one to whom you are married.  Ask Him for ways to honor them;  ask them when they have felt most honored by you.  What makes them feel most honored?    Then go for it!  The more you water the seeds of greatness in them with honor, the more harvest you will reap together!!

I’m not sure how you guys feel, but in that movie, The Notebook, we girls absolutely cannot handle it when it becomes evident that Allie’s mom has been hiding Noah’s letters from her.   We become righteously indignant!   When day after day, he checks his mailbox to see if she has replied, and nothing has come, and he just can’t understand why, we are heartbroken!   He had poured out his heart, committed to writing and telling her every day of his love, for a whole YEAR!!!   And she never knew.   She never got the letters.   Though he had 365 days of words, she had not read or heard a one.Communication in marriage can be just like that.”I did, too!  I told you!!  We were standing right here!”  “You never told me that.”   “Yes I did!  I absolutely did!  Just last night!”   “Last night?   When you began to raise your voice and ended up yelling at me?”      “Yes!  How could you forget that?”      “Forget it?   I never heard it.   I didn’t hear a thing once you began yelling……..”Ah, the joys of marital communication.   When Steve and I first got married,  we found out that we had two very different ways of communicating, like we were on two completely different frequencies! For starters, one of us was a man.  And the other was a woman.  That pretty much explains it.  But there were other differences, too.   Both of us grew up in loving homes with the most amazing marriages played out in front of us, for which we are eternally grateful and aware of the rare blessing this is today.   In the home where Steve grew up, disagreements were discussed and worked through fairly quietly, and louder interactions were few and far between (or possibly he was a boy and a bit oblivious to all discussions that took place?  Just sayin.)   My wonderful home-life was full of beautiful noise and loud expressions and passionate arguments in which we let it all out, raised the roof a wee bit, and then hugged one another as we said we were sorry.   Then we were done and happily loving each other.You can imagine our first few years of marriage.  Yes.  Exactly.   While being best friends for quite some time and crazy in love, we would still have these ‘discussions’ in which I would react in ways completely different than he!   When I felt the issue was of utmost importance, I would raise my voice so that he would understand the level of priority here.  He, in turn, would look at me, consider his response, and say very little.   To which I wasn’t quite sure how to respond, as my head cocked sideways, and I asked him if he were hearing me?  (in a bit louder voice).  To which he would emotionally retreat even further away and say nothing at all.    Which said to me that he must not care, it must not be important to him, and therefore, I – his wife – must not be important….  and out of that place of young insecure love, I would necessarily begin the yelling so that he would understand.  (If blogs had volume levels, that would have been a good place for a gradual increase).This was our Crazy Cycle.   It wasn’t until a few years later when we read an amazing book by Emerson Eggerich entitled Love and Respect that a lightbulb went off in our heads!   In his book, he described our Crazy Cycle exactly.   We had no idea how he knew our story, if possibly he had some secret microphones hidden in our apartment, (or if maybe my husband had sought him out for counseling as a first step before having me committed).  However he knew, he pegged us perfectly.He based his book on Ephesians 5:31.  One verse.  Amazing.  Here it is:”However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”It’s a remarkable book and one we highly recommend, and impossible to do it justice in this blog, but here is what Steve and Lori took away from it:   God is giving a directive, through Paul, to man – to LOVE, and to the woman – to RESPECT.  Why aren’t they both commanded to LOVE?  Or are they?  In different ways, maybe different languages?   He says one of a man’s core needs is respect.   Therefore, he understands respect and gives it to others because this is how he would want to be treated.  This is how he feels loved.  But he needs to be reminded to also LOVE, a more relational response, because it may not be his first one.  On the other hand, one of a woman’s core needs is LOVE,  she understands love and freely gives love, so doesn’t need to be commanded to Love as much as she needs to be reminded to Respect her man.   Love him in a way he can receive, or that he can hear.He says the Crazy Cycle gets going when one of them is not having their core needs met, like when a wife is feeling a little forgotten (are any of the men seeing this thread continue?  Just checking in…)  and therefore gets a little insecure, maybe even a little demanding, trying to grasp for that love.  But when the husband hears a little disrespect, he knows he does not want to give that back in return, so he actually chooses to not engage.   By not engaging, the wife is feeling even MORE needy and unloved, and grasps harder and speaks from a hurt place much more disrespectfully, maybe lashes out, or raises her voice, and there you go… the cycle begins.   The more graspy and desperate and hurt and demanding she becomes, the less respected he feels, so he pulls further away, making her….   you get the idea.How to stop it, you ask?  Emerson says one party must choose to step in and stop the cycle.   To go against your instinct, and just begin to LOVE.    Or just push through feeling unloved, and choose to apologize and speak respectfully.    The results are astounding.  It takes but a moment.  One word.  One gesture.   One apology.  One step towards one another in love or respect.I realized that the whole time we had been disagreeing, I thought Steve could hear me clearly – that he knew I loved him.   To me, that wasn’t the issue.   But much like Allie never getting the messages from Noah, Steve was not hearing any love from me because it was being blasted through a megaphone of disrespect.    He thought he was loving me well by not responding in a like manner. In fact, he felt he was taking the high road (and freely admits he self-righteously felt his was the right road, which your spouse can sense by the way….).   The more composed and quiet he remained, the less loved I felt, and I never heard the messages he was trying to send.Girls:  I’ve learned that HOW I say what I say to my man is just as important as WHAT I say.    Sometimes it’s more important, because if I am disrespectful, he won’t even hear it.   I’ve learned a few things about what Respect means to him:   It means asking him kindly to help with something, instead of instructing or telling him to.   It means refraining from responding emotionally until he has finished his sentence and I have asked a few questions to see if I have the whole story.  It means not interrupting.  It means not demeaning him – in private or especially in public.   It means letting him make mistakes without any ‘I told you so’s’ or heavy sighs.   It means not rolling my eyes when I disagree, but allow him to have his opinion.On a more positive note, it looks like asking for his input when I need to make a decision.  It means THANKING him for doing everyday tasks and helping out.  It means speaking in a tone that is honoring, even when I am mad.  It means trusting when he makes a decision, and standing by him as his teammate whether it goes well or not.Guys:  Steve is in full support of me continuing here and maybe helping you hear how your girl might feel more loved.  Guys.  Your wife wants to be pursued.  As in, come towards her, emotionally and physically.  Always.  Whether she’s in an OK place, or you can tell she’s not in a good place at all….  and you feel like running the other way…. DON’T RUN!  Pursue!    Especially then!    That’s when she needs you the most, even though it may appear that her claws are out and it might feel like hugging a porcupine.   Gently pursue.   Ask how you can help.    Ask how she is feeling.   Ask.   Ask .   Ask.  Let her talk it through.   Let her process and don’t take every word she’s spewing as gospel truth because she may be trying to talk until she figures it out herself!    Give her space to land – and come to a conclusion.   Learn what to let go right past you, and which words she really means.   She’s not trying to be misleading,   sometimes she truly doesn’t know yet.  When she has had her say, ask her what she would like for you to hear in all of that!    When you sense she is getting graspy, clingy, demanding, short-fused, try not to take it personally (unless you know it’s you!).   Tell her you love her.    Hold her hand.   Tell her you are sorry she’s feeling this way, and you’d like to help if she wants you to.    Every girl struggles with wondering if she is worth being pursued.That’s really good, and seems to be ringing true on a foundational level.    So I’m going to say it again.    Every woman struggles with wondering if she is worth being pursued.  Her daily struggle is to fight the lies that she is not pretty enough, not organized enough, not productive enough, not thin enough.     She rarely feels enough.  If you, as her husband, can daily and continually tell her she is more than enough, you will watch her blossom and begin to bloom!   If you can push past her outward demeanor to the need that is producing it, and speak words of love and kindness and admiration and attraction, your woman will begin to believe it.   This is coming from a woman who’s been there.     And from a woman who still forgets and still needs affirmation and love – and is thankful for a God and a husband who have been so gracious and kind.Good communication takes work.  It takes being intentional.  Girls, truly, I have found that I must first communicate with my Father before I can communicate well with Steve.  He alone can show me who I really am:  and He has SHOWN me that I am worthy of His love and adoration not because of what I do, but because I am His!  I am His daughter.  I must hear him tell me daily.   He made me need that – from Him – so I would run to him daily and receive more than I could have asked for or imagined!And guys:  your Father is so proud of you and respects the man you are, not because of anything you have done, but because you are His son.  And He is proud to be your dad, expectant of all you are becoming, and wants you to hear His well done, whatever the rest of the world may be telling you.Love well, friends.   Communicate love in a way your spouse can actually hear.  Practice it.  Ask for help if needed.  Ask your spouse if they are experiencing your love, if they know it.  Ask God to fill you with His complete acceptance and affirmation that you may go to your marriage ready to communicate what Father has communicated to you!

The Notebook.   We love it.  Ok, I love it, and luckily Steve used to love the Rockford Files and James Garner and his car….   so he is gracious and kind enough to watch it with me!   (For those of you under 50, you’ll have to look up The Rockford Files….)   The Notebook is one of the best films to ever grab your heart and awaken your soul to a radical love that never gives up, that lasts the long haul of life, and keeps believing against all odds.  Beautiful.   When the aging Noah sneaks into Allie’s room at the end of the movie, and the nurse turns a blind eye so they can be together, when he lays down in the bed next to her and she actually “comes back to him,” alert and recognizing him again, and they hold hands and drift off to ‘sleep’ believing their love is stronger than death …  there are no words.   We try to watch it once a year – on April 30 – because when it’s over, (and I am crying again), our hearts are back in a place of treasuring each other and realizing that every day we have together is such a gift.   That life goes so fast.  This realigning of our hearts is a gift.

It’s what happens when you are siting at a wedding and watching the faces of the young bride and groom and remembering.  And you hold her hand.    It’s what I see on my friends David & Andrea’s faces when they look at each other now that she has made it through her Leukemia battle and lives joyfully in remission.  It’s even what we felt when I had to go back for that second test because it might have been… ,  but we got the phone call and it was all clear… and that is the realigning that causes our hearts to cherish each other all over again.    It’s gratitude.   It’s awakening.   It’s awareness that life is a gift and marriage is a gift and the one you’re married to is the greatest of gifts God could have ever given you.

It’s like getting new eyes, like a new pair of glasses that brings into clarity that which you didn’t even realize had slipped into blurriness and dullness and completely void of the sharp colors of life.   NOW you can see!    You forgot what you were missing!   How beautiful!

This is how we see each other when our hearts are realigned and our sight is restored.    I look at this man I’ve been married to for 30 years and still see the boy I dated in high school.  I can still see him dressed in his gas station attendant uniform (a lovely orange and brown combo), showing up at my door with roses and the giant Bunny Rabbit which he aptly named Chase.   I remember the look on his face as I walked down the aisle toward him on April 30, 30 years ago.  I remember the bond of heaven that was sealed forever between us when we first held our baby boys in our arms and knew the wonder of something other-worldly that we did not deserve but that we were invited to partake in.

It’s gratitude.  It’s awakening.  It’s wonder.   It’s nothing less than God’s goodness and God’s love and only God can GIVE us this realignment of our hearts to truly FEEL and experience and know down in the depths of our souls what love really is. And how blessed we are.

It’s also a forgetting.  A wiping clean of all the hurts that came from the hard times and the harsh words and the moments of selfishness instead of gratitude.  In these moments of realigning, they seem to become strangely dim.  Unimportant.  Still a part of our past but now replaced with a new perspective on how small and insignificant when seen in the light of the greater picture and the brevity of life and the cherishing of each day.

It’s a remembering.  Of all that is good and true and all that first drew us to one another like a magnet so that we never wanted to be away from each other.  It’s a recalling to mind of the dreams we began with and the secrets we shared and the ways we saw the best in each other and believed in each other no matter what.  It’s a choosing to let it wash over us again and see that we are still the same, though a little older and a little battered and a lot wiser and whole lot sexier, as Steve will declare.

Oh, how we love each other when our hearts are aligned and our eyes can see!   Oh, how I long to live from this place every day,  to ABIDE and remain in this love, this love of Jesus – which He has poured out into my heart and now wants me to pour out on my SteveO.   How I have come to know and be fully convinced that this is how we will love all the time in heaven, like every moment of every day, we will be immersed in love and made perfect in love and know only love when we look at each other.    Oh, how I get it now when He told us to ask that His kingdom would come and His will would be done here – and now – as it is in heaven.   Here and now.

Today, right now, we ask you, Father:  realign our hearts to love each other with the pure love that we have tasted and seen and we know is true.  Keep us in this love for each other and help us to choose this realignment – to choose to cherish one another –  daily.    Thank you that when we abide in you, we abide and realign in your love, and then we can love and see our spouse in the truest and most eternal of ways.

“Beloved, let us (unselfishly) love and seek the best for one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God (through personal experience.)     1 John 4: 7  AMP

> Today’s blog is prompting a response.  What can you do today to realign your heart and see your spouse with the same eyes you saw them with when you first fell in love?  (This is possible, by the way, because the blood of Jesus cleanses us all from unrighteousness!) Maybe we start with thanking God for all the amazing things that are true of our spouse and making a list of all we are grateful for.  Ask Our good Father for this gift of a renewed heart and mind.  Maybe you want to write your love a letter and tell them all the beautiful things you love and cherish about them. Maybe they are sitting next to you right now, and you just hold their hand.   And maybe you check out Netflix, make some popcorn, and watch the Notebook together!    Whatever you do, may you be given the gift of cherishing today.

On our climb up the trail to Multnomah Falls,  I did seriously consider turning back.  It sounds so lame now, but at the time it felt like I was trying to be ‘wise’.  This was not my first hike!   I remembered how it felt to become dehydrated and so weak I didn’t think I could take another step.  This had happened before, when we were hiking in Vermont.  That was also the time Steve had said he would go ahead of me and see how much further to the top.  It had seemed like forever until he returned, and I had become a little worried (and a few other things…).    Another time, I had experienced the pain of plantar fasciitis, a condition in both my heels from over-doing it while hiking in Whistler, B.C.   What if I was over-doing it again?    What if we hadn’t brought enough water?   Maybe we should just be smart, not risk it, turn back.   I remembered the pain of past experiences and did not want to go through it again.

I had a choice to make:  turn back and play it safe?   Or continue on -with the known risks – in hopes of what could be, what might be the breathtaking reward!!   I see it clearly now:  I almost gave in to the fear of ‘what if’ and nearly missed the reward of risk.   I’m so glad Steve encouraged me to take the risk, to believe the reward was worth it, and not give in to the ‘rational’ fears.

Seems like our marriage is similar:  We made an initial choice to say, “I do.”  Out of all the people in our lives, we had chosen each other.   We had chosen to to say the words, “For better or worse….” and we chose one another in great joy!

And now we have learned that marriage is not just a one time choice, but a lifetime of choosing each other – daily.   Over and over again.   Choosing to say Yes, again.   Even when we remember the difficult times and the enemy of our souls is whispering, “Remember how much that hurt last time?   It could happen again.”   Even when Self-Protection is screaming, “I wouldn’t put your heart out there again.   He may let you down.”   “She may lose it again and blast you with her anger….  Just play it safe.”   Especially then.

Especially then!   Love is a choice!  Not just a feeling!    It is a deliberate act of our will and heart to remember that this is the one whom we chose once and the one we will choose each day!   To remember that there will be mistakes made, forgiveness needed, and hurts to push through.   To keep going knowing we don’t have to protect ourselves!   Because each of us walks continuously with the Healer, He binds up our broken hearts as we go!  Because our lives are hidden in Jesus and nourished by Him, our thirsty souls can always find refreshment and restoration, even when the marriage feels like a dry and thirsty land with no water!

To choose is to have faith.  Faith that God is with us, marriage was His idea, and He will bring good out of every hard situation if we continue to choose to let Him!  To choose to invest our hearts again is to believe that the One who made us one is so FOR us, what could stand against us?   To choose each other daily is to choose to believe the best about each other, to trust the heart of the other, and to forgive the shortcomings as we go!  To choose our mate again today is to say, “YOU are worth it!  You are the one I’m sticking with!   You are the one I’d lay my life down for!   You are a wonder and a masterpiece in the making, and with God’s help, I see all the amazing things He created you to be!”  To choose is to say, “I believe in you!   The past is past, we are going up!  We are making the turn!  I’m in it for the long-haul, and I’m not going anywhere!”

To choose your man, your woman, again, is so right, so like the One who chose to give His all for us, while we were not choosing Him.  To choose to remain and faithfully love -no matter what- is to be like the One in whose image we were made.   And THAT feels like it’s worth the risk – to be ourselves, and trust God with the rest.

Today, look your chosen mate in the eye, and say it again, “I’m so glad I chose you.   I choose you again.   And I will choose you tomorrow and the next day and the day after that!  I. Choose. You.”

“For wives, this means being supportive to your husbands like you are tenderly devoted to our Lord…. And to the husbands, you are to demonstrate love for your wives with the same tender devotion that Christ demonstrated to us, his bride.”   Ephesians 5: 22, 23  

“Who’s your source?”   When I was little I thought I might be a writer, like John Boy Walton.  Or maybe work at a newspaper.   I loved the movie “The Post”.  It showed the power of sharing information at the right time.  Getting the scoop – from the right source.

By now, you obviously know Who our source is:  Jesus is the source of everything for Steve and me – and our marriage.   I think – no, I KNOW – this is why we’ve made it to 30 years.  If left on our own, we would have run out of …. everything….   long ago.   But Jesus is our endless supply.  He is the only One who can meet each of our needs, so that we have something to give to the other.   He is the only One who will not let us down or fail us, so we are safe and secure when the other does.  He is the only One who has the real, abundant LIFE that we all crave – and we are so thankful He has come to live inside of us and give us this LIFE, like a well of living water springing up within us.   That way, we come to our marriage with souls that are full and overflowing to be a blessing to the other.  Instead of looking to our spouse to ‘fill me’,   ‘sustain me’ ,   ‘complete’ me….  No, Jesus has already done all of that for each of us, individually, so that we come to each other ready to give, not take.    Ready to share life, not grasp for it in neediness.  Ready to journey together toward our One whom we love and Whom we have chosen to serve:   toward the Source of all Life and Love:   Jesus.

Honestly, if we look to each other to be our source of life, it just won’t satisfy.  But we hope today you might be reminded you can be.   Satisfied.   In Him.

“Jesus answered, ‘If you drink from Jacob’s well you’ll be thirsty again and again, but if anyone drinks the living water I give them, they will never thirst again and will be forever satisfied!  For when you drink the water I give you it becomes a gushing fountain of the Holy Spirit, springing up and flooding you with endless life!”    John 4: 13-14

Today we are sending you a resource.   This sermon from the Upper Room is one of our favorites on marriage.   We pray you will be blessed as you listen together!!

http://www.urdallas.com/podcast/2018/2/25/marriage-series-pt1-michael-lorisa-miller

Seriously.  Marriage should be FUN!   I thank God every day for a partner who keeps me laughing, who reminds me to have fun, and helps me remember to not take myself too seriously.    We will blog about this more in upcoming posts.

But today, we seriously need you to know we take at least one thing seriously.  As in, we are both passionate about it.  Seriously.  And here it is:

We are FOR marriage.  (I know, you’re thinking this is obvious…)  No, we mean it.  We are passionately FOR the institution of marriage, the success and joy of marriages, and the purposes and plans God has for it.

Imagine for a moment the famous ceiling of the Sistene Chapel where Michaelangelo painted the magnificent scenes of the Genesis creation.   People have come from all over the world, for over 500 years now,  to stand in awe and behold the wonder of such a masterpiece.  It is awe-inspiring, God-inspired, beyond beautiful.

Now imagine if someone came in and decided that, while Michaelangelo’s creation was fine, they might add some different scenes to the ones already there.  Spruce it up a bit, bring in the modern look.   Add some different textures, update it some, but still call it Michaelangelo’s  Sistine Chapel masterpiece.

This ‘creative modern artist’  would be arrested in seconds!  People would be appalled!  No one would stand for changing even a single inch of such a masterpiece!  To honor the artist, the integrity of his work must be preserved for all time.  

You know where this is going.  But this is a good time for overstating the obvious;  because what used to be obvious isn’t so obvious anymore.

God is the great Creator and Designer of Marriage.   It was His idea, His creation, for His purposes.  It is the bringing together of his two greatest works of art – a man and a woman – to form a new entity, a new creation – called marriage.

“God formed Man out of dirt from the ground and blew into his nostrils the breath of life.  The Man came alive – a living soul!   Then God planted a garden in Eden, in the east. He put the Man he had just made in it….   God said, ‘It’s not good for the Man to be alone;  I’ll make him a helper, a companion.. . . God put the Man into a deep sleep.  As he slept he removed one of his ribs and replaced it with flesh.  God then used the rib that he had taken from the Man to make Woman and presented her to the Man…. Therefore a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”   Genesis 2: 7-8, 20-22, 24

This was God’s original design, His masterpiece.  Two people coming together to rule the earth, subdue it.  To be fruitful and multiply and spread the rule and reign of His Kingdom all over the earth.  God’s original plan.

We then get excited when Jesus, who came to show the world what his Father was like, re-affirmed this design:   “And he said this:  “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’  ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’  So they are no longer two, but one flesh.  Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.”  Mark 10:6-9

And after the resurrection, in the early years of the church, the Apostle Paul (who himself was single) confirmed the will of the Creator when he quoted Moses and Jesus by writing  the exact same truth in Ephesians 5: 31-32, the great chapter on marriage.  “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her .. Husbands have the obligation of loving and caring for their wives the same way they love and care for their own bodies, for to love your wife is to love your own self.  No one abuses his own body, but pampers it – serving and satisfying its needs.  That’s exactly what Christ does for his church!  He serves and satisfies us as members of his body.  ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ . Marriage is the beautiful design of the Almighty, a great and sacred mystery – meant to be a vivid example of Christ and his church.”

We, as married people, and any of you who may be married one day,  are part of a much bigger picture here, something bigger than ourselves!!  Our calling is to have marriages that depict the love and service and covenant commitment that God has for us, His people.   The world should be able to look at our marriages and say, “Oh.  THAT is what God is like.   Amazing!  Magnificent!  Beautiful.”

God is for marriage!   We stood before Him and made our vows to one another.  We are joined now in a covenant.  God’s has also made a covenant with US!  His love for us is committed and faithful.  He sealed his ‘vows’ to us first through a covenant with Abraham, then one with Moses.   Then on the night that Jesus was betrayed, he made this statement:  “This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you…”  Luke 22:20   Jesus shed his own blood to seal His covenant of love with us, proving that He had chosen us, would always be faithful to us, and would become one with us forever – never to be separated.

Our marriages are to be a picture of THAT.  Choosing one another daily, faithful always, becoming one, till death do us part.    We realize the world we live in -and thus our relationships within this world – are often a bit broken.  We don’t always live up to our end of our covenant with God or each other.  That’s why Jesus’ came.  Both fully human and fully God, he fulfilled His end of the covenant and ours.  Both.    Now, he is the Redeemer of even our broken relationships and unkept vows… and when we allow Him, He restores us and gives us innumerable chances to start again, and become like Him in the ways we love and serve and care for one another.

We are grateful that Jesus got it all right for all of us.  That there is hope for our broken messes and new beginnings for those who came out of marriages that didn’t make it.  For this we are so thankful.  But instead of lowering the standard and changing the original design & definition of marriage, let us proclaim even louder and more clearly God’s original masterpiece!   Let us work to preserve the perfection and integrity of this beautiful work He designed, even when we must confess that we come short of it sometimes!    For when we are loving as he loves and staying committed as he has to us, we are part of a magnificent Masterpiece that represents our Creator!  He ENTRUSTED us with the commission to bear His image, to show the world what He is like through our marriages, and He empowers us daily to do that which he has trusted us to do !!   Our Artist and Designer is working with us and in us to re-present Him every day.   Because He is with us, continually cleansing and restoring us, we can do this.

There are a lot of replicas out there.   A lot of new adaptations on the original piece.  The enemy loves to have a counterfeit for every true and good thing our Creator ever made.  But we, his representatives must preserve the integrity of His creation, and thus continue the purposes for which He made it!  There is only one definition of marriage – a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.

“Marriage is to be held in honor by all (that is, regarded as something of great value), and the marriage bed undefiled (by immorality or by any sexual sin)… ”      Hebrews 13:4    

Seriously.

I have an issue.   It’s turn signals.  I’m sure you have yours.   This is mine.  I just don’t get it.  I don’t understand why people don’t use their turn signals.  It’s not like it’s hard;  it’s like the flick of one finger.  It’s not that they don’t know they are going to turn;  they started slowing down quite a while ago.   Why not just use it?   Think of the blessing it could be to those around them!  We’d all be on the same page, we’d all be communicating clearly;  life on the road could be so grand!

A few years back, Beth Moore helped me deal with my turn signal issue.   I’m not saying I’ve arrived, but I am on the road to recovery!   She was teaching on the scripture we ended with yesterday:  one of my favorites:  James 3: 17

“But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others.  It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds.”

Willing to yield.   Willing to let others go ahead of you.  Beth gave a powerful teaching on the example of Jesus, who, being in very nature God – did not consider equality with God as something to cling to.  Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;  he took the humble position of a slave.

Jesus was intentional.  He thought ahead of time about this.  He made a decision long before presented with the situation that He would yield, surrender His life, for the purpose of gaining life for us.  He laid down His life so that we could be raised up with Him.  He decided long ago this is what he would do, and when the time came, with His Father’s help, he did it.

Beth challenged us to look for ways to practice yielding.  I thought EVERYONE would be excited about applying it to the turn signal issue, but I may have been the only one.  I just know that ever since then, whenever I am driving and someone cuts me off, or dangerously turns in front of me, or – the unthinkable – forgets to use their turn signals,  I now look at these as opportunities to yield.   To let the other guy go free.  To be actually excited to show grace, cause you can only do that when the other person doesn’t deserve it!   To look for all kinds of  ways to let others go first and put myself last :   like letting someone go in front of me at the grocery line, or offering to take back a cart, or possibly in my marriage….

Practice is so helpful.   Practice is being intentional.  What if today, I were to stop and think about ways I could yield and lay down my life for my mate?   What if I LOOKED for opportunities to show grace:  undeserved favor,  at times when he didn’t deserve it, maybe after he makes a mistake (though rare of course), times when it was his turn to make the bed, and I just do it instead.  What if I set aside time each day to pray for him and ask Father how I could serve my man today unconditionally, like in ways that aren’t ‘fair’, or expected, or deserved.

Here’s my issue in marriage.   It’s communicating.  Or not communicating.  It’s when he forgets to call or let me know what’s happening.   Like a turn signal, I just have the hardest time understanding why he can’t just make a quick call.  I’ve been asking this question for 30 years.   It’s not that he is irresponsible, or doesn’t try to be considerate.  It’s just that every now and then when he forgets, I feel forgotten.  Rejected a bit.  (are you hearing a theme here, gentlemen?)    Like a turn signal, it can help so much to communicate what the other is thinking or going to do!

BUT, what if I were to decide today:   I’m going to yield and give grace.  I’m going to let go of the expectation that he be perfect (or men, that ‘she’ be perfect).   What if, even if I FEEL like demanding justice (or at least an apology),  I go to my knees with my Father instead, and yield.  Lay down my rights.  Receive again the grace given to me – that while I was still making mistakes and didn’t deserve it, Jesus died for me.  In my place.  Instead of me.  When I deserved judgment, he gave me mercy.  When my sins made me guilty, he took the punishment instead.

I love the good news of the Gospel of Jesus.   It doesn’t make rational sense.  It is for those of us who didn’t deserve it, us with our issues.   I love that God wants our marriages to be a picture of the Gospel:  a visual example of how to love and serve and yield to the other, especially when they do not deserve it.    This kind of unconditional love is counter-cultural.  In an age of making sure we have our ‘rights’, how beautiful the marriage that lays theirs down for each other.

I still have my issues.  But I have a grateful heart and a greater love.  And it compels me.  To look for ways today to bring glory to Jesus.   To do it for Him.     To yield.

“When you obey my commandments you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love.  I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my JOY.  Yes, your joy will overflow!  This is my commandment:  Love each other in the same way I have loved you.   There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”   -Jesus       John 15:10-13 

… or one’s spouse….

“Ok.  Thanks.  Yes,   talk to you soon,”    Steve ended the call.   “Sorry, that was  . . . Hang on, John is calling . . .”  He picked up the next call.

We were on our way to the theater, looking forward to seeing a good movie, on a date.  On a date.   We only live like 8 minutes from the theater, and between the two phone calls, this equated to no talk-time on the way.   He graciously dropped me off at the door, as he usually does, and I engaged in the battle.   The old, familiar, will-I-master-this-thing battle that I fight way too often.

“Let it go, Lori,”  I told myself.  “It was a short drive.  He’s wrapping up his work day.   Just breathe…  be gracious.   You can do it….”

I realize I just put on paper one of those conversations I often have with myself.  It looks rather ‘out there’ as I see it now on the computer screen!   Well, there you have it. I talk this way to myself all the time.  Anyone else?   I used to think I may be the only one with this unusual (slightly delusional) habit;  but now that I’ve been working with other married women for over 20 years, I happen to know I’m not alone!  In fact, I’ve had 3-4 conversations with some of our younger brides about this very thing – in just the past week.   (Men, if you’re reading this, take note.  Your wife is not the only one.  This one is possibly universal.  This battle began quite a few years ago, in a garden, with the first wife….  And her defeat became ours.  Her curse became ours as well.   We’ve desired to control things ever since….)

I bought the tickets, secured the popcorn, and by the time he met me at the counter, I was doing great!  We enjoyed the movie, shared the popcorn, and held hands.  I do love my husband!

On the way out, I made my usual stop by the ladies’ room, went out to the front to meet him, and found him. . . (drum roll please),  on the phone.   Now, in all fairness, this is not normal.  He usually leaves his phone at home, is fine being without it, and I am usually the one texting the kids and keeping it by my side wherever I am.  But at this particular moment, I did not recall any of that.   I only knew the battle had begun again.  He smiled while talking, held the door open for me, and walked a bit ahead of me, one hand on the phone, the other fishing for his keys.  (equals no hands available to hold).   (on a date.)  I walked quickly behind him, he opened the car door, and I got in.

(If blogs had musical background scores, you’d hear the battle scene music intensifying here….)  I knew I was in it.  I knew he didn’t normally do this.  (on a date).   I knew this was a James 1 moment:  “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry…”   (I have that one memorized…).   So I was just quiet.   He hung up in a few minutes, was very engaging, and asked if we needed anything while we were out…  I remained quiet.  He knew.  I knew.  I had a choice.   Actually, I had had an EXPECTATION.   In my mind, the rules from yesterday’s “communicate your expectations ahead of time,” did not apply here, because after 30 years of going out on dates, this one should not have to be communicated.  (Steve thinks it a bit unfair that these ‘rules’ have certain clauses and can be changed at any moment.)  On a date.  We focus: on each other.  We don’t talk on the phone.  And the more I rehearsed it in my head, the more incredulous I became.   So, I was ‘slow to speak,’ but when he asked,  I told him.

I was even able to recognize and verbalize that I felt a bit rejected (hang with us guys, this is what goes through our emotions and into our brains, and is what fuels the irrational things that come out of our mouths….) (Is this helpful at all, men?).  Yes, rejected.  It seems crazy that in 30 seconds, the feeling of rejection can overrule 30 years of consistent love and attention.  I know.  Steve told me this sounds irrational.

Expectations.   It’s good to admit we have them, identify them ahead of time, communicate them, and attempt to honor each other’s desires and needs whenever possible.   But there is more.  (PMC Couples, take note, please).   Once those desires have been communicated and shared with our spouse, we need to then let them go.   Yes, I said let them go.   Let them go and trust the heart of the one you shared them with.   Share your hopes and thoughts, and, if you recognize that hopes have turned to expectations, nail the expectations to the cross.  Seriously.    Kill them.  Expectations are destructive, controlling, and a certain death to any freedom we may have had to just be…  to just enjoy one another.  At some point, girls, we’ve got to learn to go with the flow.  To die to selfishness.  To look at the man God has given us and remember he’s a good man, with good intentions, and he may not always think the same way you do.    It’s ok.  You’ve been given a good man.   So have I.

Instead of living with Expectations, I’m on a new quest to try living with Expectancy!  William Paul Young, in his anointed book The Shack, says it best.  He equates expectations with legalistic religion and rules.  God is explaining to Mack,  “Your two words:  responsibility and expectation.…became nouns…. they were first my words:  the ability to respond and expectancy.  My words are alive and dynamic – full of life and possibility;  yours are dead, full of law and fear and judgment.”

“Let’s use the example of friendship (I’m inserting ‘marriage’) and how removing the element of life from a noun can drastically alter a relationship.  (If we are married,) there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship.  When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking.  That expectancy has no concrete definition;  it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else.  But what happens if (we) change that ‘expectancy’ to an ‘expectation’ – spoken or unspoken?  Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship.  You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations.  Our living (marriage) rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements.  It is no longer about you and me, but about what (spouses) are supposed to do…”            (The Shack.  Pages 204-206)

I lost the battle that day.  I let my emotions rule; I opened the door and let them master me.  But I will live to battle another day!  I know God is teaching me even as I write this to recognize when hopes and needs turn into expectations, I want to renounce those immediately – when the thought first comes.   To replace them, instead, with a surrender to God, to love Him and my man more than whatever circumstances unfold.   To choose to be ready to go with the flow, to certainly verbalize my hopes and ask for what I need, but then to let go and go with it.   I’m seeing it now as a choice to say NO to expectations, YES to communication, and YES to then whatever transpires.  To choose to give my man freedom ….  that’s the way Steve explained it and it has helped me to see.  He felt pressure to meet certain expectations, instead of freedom to bless me and freedom to be and freedom to enjoy the time together.

We’ve now agreed to only allow TWO expectations to remain:  1. Expect the best of each other.   That, when in doubt, we expect and choose to believe that our spouses’ intentions were good, even if the outcome were different than we had anticipated.   and 2. Expect nothing!   Expect that life happens, and things come up, and we may need to take a phone call, and plans might most certainly change.    In fact, they will.   You can expect it.

” What is causing the quarrels and fights among you?  Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you?  … But the wisdom from above is first of all pure.  It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others.  It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds.”  James 4:1, 3:17

We pulled up in front of the house and turned off the ignition.  “Ok, just to make sure we’re on the same page, how long are you thinking we will stay?”

“I was thinking like an hour or a little more?  But I know you have an early flight in the morning.  Does that sound good to you?”

“Sounds good!  And do you want me to give you the signal when we’re getting close to that time?  Or no?”

“Please.  Yes.  You know I go into ‘social mode’ and lose track of time.”

Expectations.   They are huge in our marriage, and we’re pretty sure they are a huge subject in every marriage!   It has literally taken us 25 of our 30 years to get to the point where we:  1. Admit we have expectations (Steve thinks that on the average, we women may have a few more!) (I expect he is probably right…)    2. Are self-aware enough to realize what they are.  3. Think ahead and COMMUNICATE what we are thinking before we enter into the situation, and    4. Take time to ask the  other what they are thinking in case they forgot #3.

Conversations like the one above have helped us immensely!  Like – really helped us!  We feel more unified, on the same team, and less vulnerable to sad miscommunications that lead to frustrations and possible arguments.

We’ve been doing pre-marital counseling for over 20 years.  (Someone suggested we should ‘just get married already!’;  to which Steve replied we keep learning from each of the couples we meet with!)  We love being mentors to these young couples.   Steve thinks we’ve met with over 30 couples;  I can only remember 28, but whatever the number, they have enriched and blessed our lives (and our marriage) in ways we cannot count.   Our goal is to walk through the engagement season with a couple, meeting 10-12 times over a period of 6-12 months, ideally.    In this extended period of time, we are really able to get to know them, walk through good times & bad times and practice how to handle it all. We love the idea of  establishing a mentoring relationship that will last past the “I Do’s” and will be available to them throughout their married lives.   We do not claim to have ‘counseling’ degrees, but we promise to be mentors and friends who will share with them what God has graciously taught us and continue in relationship with them as they walk the journey of marriage.

Obviously, that’s one reason we are taking time to blog.  We hope many of our PMC couples are reading this right now, and smiling, and remembering, and knowing we will be checking up on them soon to see if they did!

In our many years of mentoring, the subject of ‘Expectations’ seems to be one that we discuss more than any other.  It sneaks into nearly every situation and usually can be traced back as the source of most conflicts.  Each of us enters into marriage having ‘done life’ a certain way, thinking our ‘way’ is normal, and expecting that everyone probably does it the ‘same’ way!   We each have our previous ‘normal’ that now is melding with another’s, and, therefore, we each have expectations of how life should work, whether we are conscious of those expectations or not.

The obvious ones include where we will spend Thanksgiving and Christmas eve, and whether you open your presents on Christmas day or the night before, and whether you always eat at the table or usually in front of the TV…. the list is endless, and most of you have been married long enough that you’ve learned to discuss these things and work through them, learning the give-and-take of marriage.

We’ve encouraged our couples (and ourselves) to think ahead and try to communicate any desires or expectations they may have ahead of time.   As Steve continually reminds me, “Your spouse cannot read your mind!”   Learning to ask for what we are hoping for or needing is a sign of a healthy relationship.   We have a lot of conversations in our heads, but not always out loud!   We make a lot of plans and look forward to certain things, but we may not have remembered to actually talk  to our spouse about it!

And when that happens, we can experience the disappointment of unmet expectations.  If I were looking forward to spending an evening of quality time with Steve, and he is needing an evening to catch up on emails, and I fail to ask him his plans or express my desires, and if he is assuming we will just be home, relaxing and together (as in, in the same room), … we are heading for a disastrous disappointment.

If, on the other hand, we look ahead together at each week, and talk together about the plans for each upcoming day or event, we can learn to avoid many disappointments.  If I had asked Steve in the morning what his evening looked like, and if I had expressed a desire for some quality time (clearly defined if needed), then that may have helped him plan ahead.  If he had found that he really needed that evening to catch up and be prepared for work the next day, he could have given me a call and rescheduled a ‘date night’ for the next evening.   It is amazing how clearly communicating and honoring each other this way can make for a unified marriage!

Having said all of that, we are also in the very throws of learning some NEW things about expectations in marriage;  like, how possibly God has a bit more to say on the subject!  We realize we may have some ‘corrections’ to add to our previous ‘advice’ on the subject!    And if you check in tomorrow, we’ll try and explain!

Until then, we are curious:  anyone else deal with similar situations?   If you are wanting some practical application, try the following:

1. Think of a recent disagreement or argument you may have had.  Looking back on it, did either of you have any unmet expectations that you may have failed to share?
2. Look ahead at your next few days or events.  Are you planning anything in your head or hoping for certain outcomes?  Share with each other what you are hoping and thinking, and look for ways to bless the other by honoring their desires where you can!
3. If needed, ask for any forgiveness needed for expecting them to read your mind or for becoming frustrated or angry over things they didn’t even know about!
4. Pray together and thank God for opportunities to bless, serve,and honor the other above yourselves.  And don’t forget to have fun doing it!

“Be free from pride-filled opinions, for they will only harm your cherished unity.  Don’t allow self-promotion to hide in your hearts, but in authentic humility put others first and view others as more important than yourselves.  Abandon every display of selfishness.  Possess a greater concern for what matters to others instead of your own interests. Consider the example that Jesus, the Anointed One, has set before us.  Let his mindset become your motivation.”            Philippians 2: 3-5