“Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?  She is more precious than rubies.  Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life.  She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”  Proverbs 31:10

Something happens to my heart when I read the above scripture;  honestly, it makes me, as a wife, WANT to be that kindofwife.   It’s like reading a description of all I set out to be 30 years ago;  honestly all I thought I WOULD be.  Don’t all marriages set out with these kinds of hopes and dreams?

We did.  We still do.  I can think of times when God has helped me “enrich” Steve’s life, times when I have ‘brought him good’.  When I wait to get gas at the cheapest place, that enriches him!  When I stop stressing out and being anxious, and remember to just have fun, that brings him good AND a smile!   And when I actually remember to USE the coupons that he clips each week,  well….  that really does it!  I can tell by the look on his face that he’s thinking, “My Lori –  she’s a ‘virtuous and capable wife!”  (and possibly hanky-panky is soon to follow, as he often says!)

This past holiday week, we spent some time boating;  being out on the water makes Steve think about his dad every time, and how much he loved sailing.  His dad passed into his heavenly home last year;   we all miss him a great deal, but Steve feels it at a deeper level.  His dad was not only his dad, he was his hero.

As we were having a sunset ride out on the lake, my man quietly said, “I miss my dad.”   I just reached out and held his hand.   We cried a little together.  I didn’t try to say anything;  didn’t try to point out the positives… I felt God nudging me to just be with him in it.   I think maybe that ‘enriched’ his life at that moment.   Sometimes saying the right thing means not using words at all.  (a foreign concept to some of us girls….)

Then there are those other times.  Those times that are easier to remember because they get stuck on the shame hanger inside the closet of our brains.  Times when I didn’t bring him good or enrich his life, but did rather quite the opposite.    Times when I take out my anger or frustration on him, and wish I could take back the words as soon as they leave my mouth.  Or the time he began to share some difficult things going on with his job, with one of the guys he works with.   I thought I would be so helpful by taking his side and expressing my righteous anger as a sign of solidarity…… “You’ve got to be kidding!   That’s ridiculous.  That guy is always….  I don’t know how you work with him….”    The look on his face at that moment was not reflecting my virtuous or capable assistance….  He just stopped talking and walked away.    Girls, I have found this is not what guys are looking for.    (is that right, men?)

Instead, because one of a man’s core needs is respect, he will always try to show it and give it,  whether he’s frustrated with someone or not.   What he needed from me in that moment was more of the NOT saying anything at all, and maybe just listening, and being in it with him.

Girls, what are ways you can enrich your husband’s life today?  I’ve come to believe it’s probably NOT responding with the first emotions I feel, nor saying the first thing that comes to my mind!   Often it is stopping BEFORE speaking or acting, and actually asking ourselves – and Holy Spirit – “How can I bring him good right now, Father?  What does he need from me most?”     And waiting on God until I know HIS thoughts on the matter, as he understands my man much better than I.   And loves him even more as well.

And husbands!   I realize we’ve only scratched the surface of all the ways we wives can be virtuous and capable, enriching your lives and not bring you more harm~  But if you want to encourage this growth in your bride, this same Proverb gives you men some clues as well:  first, it says he can trust her.   Ask for your woman’s thoughts on things more often, men, even if you need to remind her that you don’t want to ‘bash’ anyone or get angry about it….  she would be honored and feel ‘trusted’ if you could share more of what IS going on in your life.   Help her know how she can be a blessing to you as you share;  she does want to know, and may sometimes need to be reminded!

Second, if you read all the way to the end of this Proverb, the infamous #31 for us women, you’ll read these words:  “her husband joins in with words of praise…” vs.28.  I truly believe the woman described in this Proverb is the way she is partly because she has a husband who praises her.   Whether verbal affirmation comes easily for you or not, guys, it is a worthwhile thing to step beyond your comfort zone and water the seeds of greatness in your wife with words of praise and honor.  Has she brought you any good recently?  Been virtuous or capable in some way?   Your words of praise will cause that moment /deed to be seared into her brain, and she will want to do it more!  Your words have extreme power to cause her to thrive and grow and become thekindofwife she longs to be!

Girls, we will talk more about this in some of our Just Us Girls blogs in the coming weeks, in case you want to join me in becoming THAT kind of wife.

Until then, we bless you today with a moment to stop and ask yourselves, “What kind of spouse DID I set out to be?   How am enriching his/her life ?”

As we close, take a minute to ask the Expert Marriage Counselor:  God Himself.  “Father, how can I greatly enrich my spouses’ life today?    How can I bring him/her good today?   What do you see that he/she needs from me most?”     And we bless you to hear the voice of your good Father and take the joyful steps He leads you to take!

And in the words of Thumper, one of my personal heroes, “If you can’t say somethin’ nice, don’t say nothin’ at all!’