Do you remember the first time you dropped your child off at a place they really didn’t want to go? Maybe it was Kindergarten, or first day of First Grade; for us Homeschoolers it was the first night of Awana class.
Remember all the things you told them before dropping them off? “You’re going to love it! Your friends will be there! And I will be RIGHT HERE when you get done, waiting for you!!! We’ll go celebrate your first day!”
And you did. You watched them all the way into the class, onto the bus, or through the door. You prayed for them while they were there. And you made sure you were EARLY to pick them up, so they would KNOW that you meant it, that they could trust you, that they were safe and loved.
Jesus replied, “A man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate.” Mark 10: 6-9
Dear John & Jasmine,
One week from today you will become man and wife. You will be joined together as one by God himself as you make a holy covenant with Him and each other to take one another to be your lawfully wedded spouse, to have and to hold, to cherish each day, forsaking all others, no matter what comes!
And we could not be more excited for you!!!!! We praise God for BOTH of you, for the ways you have prepared for this most holy union, for humbling yourselves to learn from others older & wiser by going through six months of premarital counseling. We are proud beyond words of the ways you have sought God for yourselves, individually, to allow Him to make your hearts healthy with His love before attempting to love another for a lifetime.
From my persective, this Momma’s heart is bursting with joy and emotion and memories and realization that God hears our prayers – and He is beyond faithful to answer. (Thank you, Father! You are so good!)
So, at a time when there are no words to express how we feel, I turn to blogging to try and pour out a small fraction of the many thoughts and prayers that I am praying and having for you.
There is ONE KEY, one prayer, one secret to a happy and blessed marriage:
Jesus said, “A new commandment I give to you: Love one another as I have loved you.” John 13: 34
That’s it.
If you do that one thing, it will take care of all the rest. It will be the answer to your every hard season, the solution to your every frustration, and the key to joy unspeakable beyond your wildest dreams.
So what does it LOOK LIKE to love each other as Jesus loves you?
Sometimes it’s helpful to start with what it does NOT look like. To love as Jesus loves is to love differently than most of the culture you live in.
To love as Jesus loves is NOT quid-pro-quo, where ‘if you do this for me, I will do this for you.’ This love is not a 50/50 agreement. The love of Jesus gives and serves 100% NO MATTER WHAT THE OTHER PERSON IS GIVING AT THE TIME. The love Jesus showed us was not dependent on us loving Him back. It was and is dependent on Who He IS and what Love does.
When your spouse is having a hard time, and not loving towards you, the LOVE OF JESUS will help you love them anyway.
Love is NOT a feeling. Pastor Kris Valloton says that Love is action that will EVOKE feelings, but it is not dependent on feeling. “Love acts and serves and gives to the other when you feel like it, and when you don’t!” So John, when Jasmine asks you to help her, and you’d rather stay on the couch, Love will empower you to get up and help her! And Jasmine, when you FEEL angry and hurt by something John has said or not said, or done or not done, LOVE will help you speak and communicate in a loving way, so that your feelings are not ruling you or calling the shots. Holy Spirit in us is the One who sheds abroad into our hearts the Love of God so we can love each other.
Love is NOT fair. There will be days when you have worked more hours outside the home and come home and are still in charge of making dinner. Love doesn’t keep score. In fact, Love tries to OUTDO the other in serving selflessly because it actually grows as we give of our time and energy; you actually are strengthened by Love as you give of yourself in love. And remember, there will be whole SEASONS in your life, maybe even YEARS, when one of you has to pull more weight than the other. It doesn’t matter. Love doesn’t keep score. When the babies are crying, one of you will feed, and the other will work long hours THEN help with dishes, laundry, AND keeping the house clean. And the next season may be completely different. You’ll be fine, because Love is not fair, as – praise God – He doesn’t keep score or record of our failures – or efforts – He just keeps loving and giving whatever we need in whatever season we are in. You will, too!
Love does not remind the other of their past mistakes. Love never says, “I told you so,” or asks, “Why did you do that?” when it’s something that can’t be undone. Instead, Love gives grace, which is UNDESERVED kindness and favor; and you can only give grace when the other person does NOT deserve it, when they royally mess up, and when they didn’t listen to your good advice. That’s when you get to honor God by giving GRACE as He has given to you; ’cause when you didn’t deserve it, when you had really messed it up, He forgave you, and loved you, and removed your sins as far as the east is from the west. He actually remembers them no more. So because He does not remind you of your past mistakes, you have Love and grace to do the same for each other.
Love does NOT say everything that comes to your mind. Honest? Yes. Authentic? Absolutely. But being honest and authentic does not mean you have to say every thought that comes across your mind; in fact, be careful not to. First, we are to take them captive and make sure that thought is obeying Jesus and His truth about your spouse; THEN, if it is, you can speak it! Love knows that Words have the power of life and death, so you have the great privilege every single day to bring your spouse LIFE, and the great responsibility to remember what power your words carry. “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry…” “Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but ONLY that which is helpful for building others up, that it may encourage those who listen ACCORDING TO THEIR NEED.” You can let out any of those angry words with God, first, then you can hear and see which ones you need to take captive. You would never let harm come to your spouse from someone else; stay alert each day and don’t let death or harm come out of your own mouth. Last thought: Love is not sarcastic, but sincere, so have fun and tease each other, but ALWAYS know where the line is. Love is never mean. And don’t forget, Jesus is THEE Word, and -as Dad’s favorite song says, every word He speaks is life to me…..and covered in Love to you.
SO, what DOES it look like to Love each other as Jesus has loved you?
“No greater love has anyone than this: to lay down your life for your friends.”
When you say, “I Do!”, you want to be thinking, “I DO lay down my life for you! I GLADLY lay down my life for you for I love you and your life even more than my own.”
Think about how Jesus loved the Disciples he gave this command to: He told them this just before he was betrayed, rejected, and pretty much stabbed in the back by one of his closest friends.
Jesus loved them when they betrayed him. He loved them when they rejected him, denying they even knew him. He loved when they abandoned him at the time he needed them most, when only John came to the cross. He loved them when they kept asking the same questions over and over, when they just didn’t ‘get it’, and he lovingly kept teaching and modeling in patience and love. He loved them when they were selfish and wanted to be important. He loved them when they got scared, even though there was no reason to fear when he was with them. He loved even the men who put him to death, cut him with whips, and mocked him while he hung on the cross for them. He loved them by praying for them, “Father, forgive them. They do not know what they are doing.”
Therefore, YOU can now LOVE each other when you feel betrayed, when you feel rejected, when you feel your spouse temporarily abandoned you when you needed them the most. You have a supernatural love when your spouse forgets things, doesn’t get it, or doesn’t understand what you are going through. John, you can Love Jasmine even if she is acting selfish or feels afraid for no seemingly logical reason. And Jasmine, you can Love John even when he hurts you or seems to be mocking you. You can both pray for each other and forgive each other, ’cause sometimes your spouse won’t even know what they are doing.
None of us loves perfectly, for we are still being perfected by Love. But all of us have access to a SUPERNATURAL LOVE – meaning, it’s not natural. Meaning, it will enable you to LOVE when you seriously couldn’t on your own! It’s just so healthy to realize your spouse will not get it all right, they will make mistakes, and they will even hurt you – even when they don’t mean to. So, my heart for you today is to DECIDE to LOVE, commit to LOVE now. Let God’s love for you empower you to LOVE even when it gets hard. Don’t be shocked when the other messes up & forgets who they are for a minute. If you can nip any expectations of perfection in the bud now, you won’t be as surprised or think something has gone terribly wrong. Love is ready for the broken times. Love is prepared. “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” He Loved us and went before us before we even knew we needed it!
And the FUN part about love? Loving each other as Jesus loved us actually brings JOY!!! And not just any kind of Joy, but the real deal! Jesus said this, “I have loved you even as the Father has loved me! Remain in my love! When you obey my commandments, you will remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that YOU WILL BE FILLED WITH MY JOY! YES, YOUR JOY WILL OVERFLOW! This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life…” John 15: 9-13
We love you two!! We bless you with the secure JOY of truly knowing how much God loves each of you, how He adores you, and is faithful to you always! Then we bless you to LIVE in this love and REMAIN in this love, so you can live and love FROM this love every day of your life!
Happy Marriage!
“Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense. Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up. Love never stops loving.” I Corinthians 13: 4-8 TPT
You guys! I’m learning to pray! Yep! I’m over 50, been a believer in Jesus all my life, and only in the last 5-6 years do I really feel like I’m learning to PRAY!
Ok, maybe a better way to say that is that I’m learning to PRAY POWERFULLY! Pray in Joy! Pray in the ‘Spirit’, as Paul instructed us to do! It’s so much more fun! And so much more POWERFUL!
Here’s what I’m learning! Yes, prayer is simply talking to God. And He LOVES ANY time we talk to Him! But prayer is to be a TWO-WAY CONVERSATION where I not only talk, but I listen so HE can talk back! This may be the most simple, yet difficult thing in the universe! Simple, because it just requires being still and listening long enough to hear Him! Difficult because it requires being still and listening long enough to hear Him!! LOL
He’s so GOOD – He will help us ‘sit still and listen!’ Here’s what He’s teaching me:
1. Pray and declare what He’s already said with Thanksgiving.
2. Awaken to His presence and ‘see’ Him sitting here across from me!
3. Respond by loving and thanking Him and praising Him for who He is and how much he loves me!
4. Tell Him what’s on my heart, who I’m concerned for
5. Listen now, what does He want to say? How does HE see it?
6. Write what you hear/what comes to your mind!
7. Pray and declare what He has now said!!! Pray HIS thoughts/His will/His TRUTH!
Today, I’m excited about #1 and #7! As Parents, sometimes it’s hard to pray what God is doing and what God is seeing because we are WITH our kids and SEEING what’s in front of us: how they are acting, choices they’re making, attitudes they are displaying! Sometimes, as parents we begin to worry, we try to discipline and correct, we can sometimes feel helpless.
There have been seasons in my parenting where I would lay awake at night and just worry! Anyone else? (Yes, I’ve come to find that moms especially, especially of teens, are often awake at that 3:00am hour, when all else has stilled, and our deepest fears come to the forefront. Maybe we should make a 3:00am Live Chat on Facebook….) (Better! I have learned WHO to have a 3:00am Live Face to Face Chat with…. )
Isn’t it true? We lie there and realize something is off with one of our kids. We’ve been watching and see the signs. And the more we recount them, the more signs come to mind. And the more we recount those, the more we think maybe this is worse than we thought, and we begin to imagine the worst possible scenarios. This is called Meditation.
“What delight comes to the one who follows God’s ways! . . . His pleasure and passion is remaining true to the Word of “I Am,” meditating day and night in the true revelation of light.” Psalm 1: 1-2
I realized I was not meditating on God’s words or truth; I was meditating on speculations and ‘what-if’s’, and frankly, the enemy loves to pour on more as we agree that our child is in trouble… The enemy comes to lie and deceive us; and if we agree with HIM, we empower Him. From the beginning he has wanted us to doubt God and His word.
But if I can choose to agree with God and meditate on the truth INSTEAD, I begin to see clearly, think clearly, and pray clearly what GOD has said & is saying.
Example: “Father, I am worried about my son. I see this and this… please protect Him, speak to Him, and remind Him who He is to you!” (Years ago, this is where my prayer would’ve stopped. Just bringing my requests. But I’ve learned there is more:
“Thank you that you have already said You love him, You are with him always, and You will never leave Him…” (Scripture becomes truth to us as we pray it…) (And now, I’m beginning to remember that He is ALSO with ME… and I look for His face (#2 above). Thank you that you are here… you already know my heart and my fears. You are so kind, so good, so powerful. Here are my fears, I offer them to you … how do YOU see this situation? What is TRUE here? (And I look up to see the eyes of Jesus, full of love and compassion, full of peace and safety. And I see that he is not worried, He is not threatened. He cares, deeply, and He sees what is true, but he also is bigger than all of it. And my heart feels the peace that comes from awakening to His powerful presence. I know I am safe with Him, and all whom I love are in His care as well….)
” Thank you, Jesus, that you are not shocked or alarmed, you are not afraid of my son’s choices! Thank you that you can work ALL things together for the good of my son… Thank you that my boy hears your voice, He knows you as His Father! (even though he may not be acting like it right now! I have learned to pray what is true, not what SEEMS to be true!) Thank you that you have GOOD plans and purposes for Him! Thank you that he is Your son, and that no one can pluck him out of your hand! Thank you that even when the enemy comes or bad influences come & mean to harm him, you can use those very things for good! Thank you that my son is a mighty warrior…. “
(Now, my heart is being filled with faith! Now, I believe this is when Holy Spirit helps me pray, as he begins to remind me what IS TRUE – about my Father- and my son; I just keep praying out loud what I hear Him reminding me of…..)
“Thank you, Father, that my son has hidden Your word in his heart so that he will not sin against you (Psalm 119: 9-11) Thank you that You live in him to will and to do according to your good purposes! Thank you that you have removed his heart of flesh and given him a new heart, that He is a new creation in you, that Your Spirit lives in him by which he can now cry out “Abba” because He’s been given Your spirit of adoption! Hear his cries! Hear and answer, as you promise you do! Thank you that you give your angels charge over him to keep him in all his ways! Thank you that you can help him think on things that are right and true and worthy of praise! Thank you that your Holy Spirit will remind him of everything you have taught him! Thank you that your perfect love is driving out my fear! Thank you that fears are only False Evidence Appearing Real, and the TRUTH is that You who are IN him is greater than the enemy who is in the world! Thank you that when I am afraid, I can trust in YOU, my God, who will never leave me nor forsake me….”
And all the years, the hours, even the moments of reading God’s word and memorizing it come back to help me when I need it the most. ( don’t despair if you haven’t memorized it yet, begin today! Ask for help! Look up what you need, write it down! Use the prayer above to start! Put these on your phone! Every parent can DO this!)
And I am reminded that in God’s good plan, He has chosen to give us a PART in the answering of prayers! Our part is to SPEAK it out! To DECLARE what is true and RELEASE His Kingdom and His power in the earth! At creation, God SPOKE the worlds into being. When Jesus taught us to pray, He told us to declare “THY Kingdom come! Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven!” Jesus also told his disciples to SPEAK to their mountains and they would have to move! He spoke to demons and told them to GO! And when he healed people? He said, “Be healed.” He SAID it. “You are healed.”
It’s the same today! God has give us authority as His sons and daughters to speak things into being! To partner with Him by releasing His Kingdom on earth = His rule over inferior problems! His goodness over evil! His truth over lies! What we pray matters! What we declare, he acts on! He has given us children to steward and raise and train! We have authority to declare over their lives the good truths that God is saying about them! Our job is to listen, “Father, what is true about my child? How have you created him?”
And then I begin to DECLARE, and I feel the power of Holy Spirit helping me: “Thank you that my son is full of Holy Spirit and power! Thank you that He is gifted in ________ and that You planned long ago many good works for him to do! Thank you that NOTHING can thwart YOUR good plans and purposes for his life! Thank you that my son cares deeply for others; thank you that he knows the truth that will set him & others free~! Thank you that he will speak boldly today and declare the mysteries of the gospel to those around him! Thank you that he will hear your voice and speak your words and perform your mighty acts today! Thank you that he is a young man of joy and kindness and compassion! Thank you that he is also full of power and truth and solutions for those around him! Thank you that even now you are reminding him of who he is! Thank you, God!”
And I realize that God is in ME, working through me, praying through me! I realize that I am changed, I am full of faith, I am no longer afraid!
And the next time I SEE my child? I actually SEE him differently! I can now speak authentically what is true! “Hey, my amazing son! Thank you for cleaning that up! You have always had a servant’s heart! You rock!” (even before he may have finished the job! Even maybe before he has acted! We speak and declare, and faith is released – even to your child!
When we BELIEVE in our kids, they begin to believe in themselves.
When we are having a hard time believing in our kids, we need to ask our kids’ Father in heaven what is true – for He always believes in them! He is their good Father, He created them, and He knows every detail about them! He loves them and honors them and believes in them,.. and we can listen and get God’s heart for them until we do the same!
“The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.” James 5:16
Do you remember the first time you dropped your child off at a place they really didn’t want to go? Maybe it was Kindergarten, or first day of First Grade; for us Homeschoolers it was the first night of Awana class.
Remember all the things you told them before dropping them off? “You’re going to love it! Your friends will be there! And I will be RIGHT HERE when you get done, waiting for you!!! We’ll go celebrate your first day!”
And you did. You watched them all the way into the class, onto the bus, or through the door. You prayed for them while they were there. And you made sure you were EARLY to pick them up, so they would KNOW that you meant it, that they could trust you, that they were safe and loved.
Then, when they came out, you were so excited to see them! You wanted to know ALL about it! “How did it go? What did you do? What was your favorite part? Tell me about it!” And you hugged them, and smiled, and told them how proud you were of them!
When it was something they really enjoyed, they couldn’t wait to tell you! They would show you their picture, and describe what it was, and sing the song they learned, and sing it again,…. and when you got home, they would show you the motions – or the handstand they learned. And they’d say, “Watch me, Mom! Watch, Dad!” And you would watch! And you would wonder and be in awe! “Wow! You’re amazing!” And they’d do it again. Or sing it again. And you would be right there. With them. Cheering them on. Over and over…
When they are young, these things come naturally! As they get older, it’s a little different, less of a big deal, and they seem to not really ‘want’ all that fuss…. but I recently felt the Holy Spirit say to me,
“DON’T STOP!”
No matter their age, their stage, their season: DON’T STOP!
Don’t stop being excited to see them – like every time! Don’t stop being early to pick them up – or meet them! Don’t stop waving & giving them all your attention until they’re out of sight! Don’t stop putting the cell phone away so you can look them in the eye and listen and be present. Be. Present.
Don’t stop communicating “YOU are most important to me right now! I want to be right here – with YOU! I want to hear how your day was! I want to know how your presentation went! I remembered your test! I prayed for you!”
“TELL ME!” “SHOW ME!” “WOW! YOU AMAZE ME!”
No matter their age. No matter their stage. It still matters. They matter. DON’T STOP!
As they get older, we obviously need to be more subtle, more toned down, but even MORE present. We learn to be nonchalant, but never non-aware!
We had BOYS, who, through pre-teen and teenage years, seem to go into some kind of ‘cave’ where we can’t quite find them, they seem not quite themselves, and they get really quiet while they’re trying to figure it out. My instinct was to keep asking questions, get MORE excited, and be in their face; but I learned that what they need in this season is less about words and more about presence. Less talking, and more being.
But Don’t Stop. Don’t stop being there. Don’t stop having their favorite food ready, and lots of it. Don’t stop remembering, and praying, and asking when you can! Listen beyond what they say! Look beyond the expression on their face! BE there!~ Don’t stop!
We were born with a need to be seen, be heard, be safe, be wanted. A place to BE-LONG. We all long to be-long. God made us this way.
Family: the place God made where you belong. Where you matter.
Family: the place you can make where your kids know THEY belong. Where THEY matter. No matter their age, no matter their stage: Don’t Stop making a place, being a place where they know they are wanted.
Even if they roll their eyes. Even if they act like they don’t want to be wanted. Even if they say, “Mom! Stop!” Don’t stop. Be honoring. Be sensitive to their age, their stage… but Don’t stop.
Outside the family, they will be learning and exploring and meeting others; looking for that place, those people, where they belong. Maybe even to where God is calling them, to whom He is calling them.
The number one way we can help them recognize their place – is to create a consistent space – an example of what real love and real belonging and real family looks like. A measuring stick that reminds them not to settle for anything less. Or anyone less than one that sees them and truly loves them.
Outside the family, it can be confusing. Life can be confusing. Many are confused. But God is not confused. He knows. He is consistent. He is the same. He is Home. And He is good. He never stops loving. Never stops listening. Never stops asking, “Show Me! Tell Me! I’m right here!”
He never stops saying, “I see you! I’m with you! I’m for you! I believe in you! I know you – you’ve got this! I’m always right here.” Even when we act like we don’t really care, we don’t really need Him, He never stops. He keeps on loving, keeps on believing, keeps on being there.
“Hurry up! Here she comes!” And the Theme Music began to play, and the famous people’s names scrolled across the screen, and my sister would come running to the TV so we wouldn’t miss seeing the name we were looking for.
When I was growing up, Thursdays were unusual days. Thursdays were the one day a week we had a babysitter and the one day a week my sister and I could eat our lunch in front of the television set so we could watch our mom on TV.
Mom is a vocalist, a singer. She has been given a special gift from the Father. Her parents recognized it, encouraged it, and invested in it; and at the age of twelve, mom went to the big city of Chicago to record her first record. My Grandfather was a Worship Minister, and as her vocal coach, he trained her well. During high school, she was on a live Television program called the Midwestern Hayride. (A variety show not unlike Lawrence Welk that paved the way for Hee Haw, for any of you seasoned Midwestern folks out there!)
So during her high school years, every Saturday morning they would leave their small town of Upland, Indiana, and drive 3 hours to Cincinnati, where they would have a day of rehearsals, a break for dinner, and then would do the show LIVE at 7:00pm. (Live television, as in, not recorded, not edited, just as is!) After the show, my mom and her parents would drive the 3 hours home, sleep a bit, then get up bright and early for church the next day where her dad directed the choir and her mom was the organist. (positions they served in for over 30 years.)
She’s been singing ever since: starting in a trio with her sisters, to state fairs, in churches across the midwest, from small town festivals to big corporate conventions, on radio and TV, from Bob Hope to Lena Horn, for weddings and funerals and Pacer basketball games, and everything in between!
But nothing compared to hearing her sing the old hymns.
I remember as a small child watching and listening; the way she closed her eyes and sang from her heart and gave him her all. She wasn’t singing to us; as little as I was, I knew she was singing to Him. And something happened inside my heart as I heard her cry out, “I’d rather have Jesus than silver or gold. I’d rather be His than have riches untold. I’d rather have Jesus than anything this world affords today…” And a hush would come over us as the awesome presence of God filled the room and settled on us all. And my young heart decided then and there, ‘I want to know Him that way. I want to love him so much that nothing compares. I want to know this Jesus she loves so much…..’
One time, at one of the many churches we traveled to, I was sitting next to my Grandfather, who had his eyes closed as she sang. And I realized he wasn’t sleeping as I had thought, but also was loving and worshiping this Jesus that he must know as well. And on that day, I looked up at the cross behind the baptismal, and realized that this One they loved had loved us so much that He gave His life for us on the cross. And that day, I followed in the footsteps of generations of family before me, and decided to follow Him too.
My Mom’s career continued to blossom, and while she was singing on TV programs like the Paul Dixon show or the Ruth Lyons or Bob Braun 50-50 Club, the Cincinnati Inquirer Newspaper published a headline that read, “DAWN, A NEW DAY?” And the article went on to say that Nancy Dawn (my mom’s stage name) was on her way to becoming the next Doris Day. (and if you’re too young to know who that is, you can google it! Suffice it to say, it was a big deal!)
My sister Angie and I enjoyed those Thursdays of watching Mom on TV, especially the day she picked out a puppy right in front of us to bring home to us late that night! We were between the ages of 4-7.
But when my little brother was born, my Mom said she was done. She didn’t want to drive to Cincinnati, even one day a week. She didn’t want to be gone for State Fairs and P.R. Engagements, even one weekend a month. “I just wanted to be Tom Childs’ wife and you kids’ mom,” she told us throughout the years since then. “That’s all I wanted to be.”
And I realized that what she sang about was also how she lived. And Whom she loved was more important than what fame she could gain. And that she wasn’t kidding when she said that she’d rather have Jesus than anything this world affords today.
And I learned as a young girl what Family means and what really matters and what Jesus’ love looks like in action. I learned that Jesus was real, and His love was enough, and He was more about relationship than just going to church. In fact, following Jesus was ALL about relationship: loving Him and each other, and laying down our lives for each other in Family.
Not unlike my dad’s example, I learned again that loving me means you just wants to be with me, that I was worth sacrificing for, and that I was actually CHOSEN above the things of this world. I learned this was just a glimpse of how my Father feels as well.
It’s also how He feels about you. No matter who your mom is, or what kind of love you received at home, there is a Father who created you and knows you and loves you. He wants to BE with you and live IN you – so much so that He’d rather die than live without you.
My mom gave up a career in television to be with me . . . Jesus gave up His whole life to be with you!! And me. And all His children.
This weekend, my mom and dad are hosting us at their house for an Easter celebration. Mom has worked all week at getting ready for us all to come – just to be together. She prepares favorite foods for certain kids, a beautiful table to sit at, and even an Easter-egg hunt for her grandkids who are ages 10-26!! After all these years, she still just wants to be with us; and I’m reminded again what Family and love look like, and what really matters. Thanks for living it, Mom.
Bathtub songs. Did you, do you have them? We did! Of course we used Barney’s song, “Clean-up, clean up, everybody do your share,” to get the house cleaned and the toys picked up.
But the bathtub seemed to be a good time and space to remind and repeat those things that were MOST important. I remember asking God, “What’s the most important thing here, Father? What do I REALLY want them to know? What really MATTERS?”
Our bathtub song went like this, with hand-motions, of course: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and mind; with all the strength that you can find. I love you, Lord.”
Begin with the end in mind.
If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll never know how to get there, or even if you’ve arrived! Only when we know the end goal of parenting and what really matters will be know how to get there and when we have arrived!!!
Someone asked Jesus what the end goal was: “Teacher, what is the most important commandment? (ie. Why are we here?) Jesus replied, ‘ You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.’ Matthew 22: 36-37
When Steve & I got married, we dreamed of having ‘little us’s’, children that we would get to raise and love and enjoy. But when we got pregnant, we suddenly realized this wasn’t just about us.
We were part of a much larger story.
We suddenly saw ourselves as not just a single family unit, but as a link in a chain of a whole LINE of family units; not only of our earthly families, but of God’s larger family, of which we were a part.
And as we prayed, we realized that God had chosen us to carry and birth and raise children that were really HIS children, with purposes and destinies that HE created them to know and fulfill, not only for their joy but for HIS Kingdom purposes and the good of the world!
Therefore, our end goal became more than raising good kids or having a happy family or producing responsible adults who would contribute to society: our end goal was for them to KNOW the Father who had created them, to know and experience His great love for them as His children, and to love him with all their heart, soul, mind & strength in return.
Deuteronomy 6:4-9 “Listen, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord alone! And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your foreheads as reminders. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”
This became our end goal. We wanted to begin parenting with this end in mind.
We didn’t do it perfectly; we would sometimes forget and get caught up in our own goals or the goals of our neighbors or even the American dream-goal; but we had committed wholeheartedly to this ONE goal, and our Father was faithful and kind to bring us back to what our hearts truly longed for.
We found we truly NEEDED to “repeat them again and again to our children” and to ourselves! To talk about our end goal at home, on the road,in the bathtub- over and over again. To post this end goal around the house and read about it in books we chose that would remind us of WHO our end goal was and how much He loved us!
It was easy to forget and make other things our end-goal: When good behavior became the end goal, we frustratingly focused on outward obedience and forgot the inner workings of the heart. When success at school became the end goal, we gritted our teeth & focused our time and energies on homework and grades above other worthy priorities. When becoming a basketball star became our end goal, Mom would scream at the refs and be mad at the coach if our son were not ‘given a fair chance’. When any other goal became our END goal, even temporarily, we forgot where we were headed, took many a wrong turn, and often were lost. Without the end in mind, our minds got hung up on what was in front of us.
But this is the BEAUTY of having an end goal! When we get lost, we just have to look up! When we forget, Father will remind us! When we confess our sins and forgetfulness, He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us and set our eyes upon the end goal again!
Why? Because this is not only what we were CREATED for, our purpose in life, this is what makes our hearts sing and our souls feel full and our lives feel satisfied as no other end goal can do!!!! “Eye has not seen, ear has not heard, it’s never even entered into the heart of man the things God has prepared for those that love Him!!!! But God has revealed it to us by His Spirit!!”
“I pray that the eyes of your hearts would be enlightened so that you could know the HOPE to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in us the saints, and His incomparably great power for us who believe!” Jesus said, “I have come that you may have LIFE – abundant LIFE!” “Therefore, seek FIRST the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and everything else you need will be given to you!”(Eph.1, John 10, Mat.6:33)
Paul put it this way, “Therefore, we fix our eyes on JESUS, the author and perfecter of our faith… Set your minds on things above … We fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen; for that which is seen is temporary, but that which is unseen is eternal!”
The bathtub is one good place to take time to fix our eyes and set our hearts on what really matters: on the end goal! But it’s only one place: every walk you take, every breakfast/lunch/dinner, every book you read, every worship song you dance to… they are all times to repeat and remind and re-fix our minds on Jesus.
Whether you pick them up out of the crib each morning, or gently pat the back of your teenager who has slept through their alarm, it’s a good morning to joyfully remind them, “This is the day our Lord has made! We will rejoice and be glad in it. We thank you, Father, for another day you’ve given us. We thank you for loving us so completely and being with us today! We love you today, Father, with all our hearts, souls, and minds.” (And don’t forget the hand-motions….)
We have not parented perfectly. In fact, I have made so many mistakes as a mom that if they were all written down, all the blogs on the internet could probably not contain them! Sometimes, I lost my temper. Other times, I would speak one way to my friend on the phone, and another way to my husband or boys standing in front of me. And yes, you could occasionally find us having a nasty, voices-raised family conflict or two before exiting the car and entering through the church doors!
There are so many things I would do differently.
My greatest desire as a mom was to show our boys the love of Jesus that they would then want to get to know this Jesus who loved them for themselves! There were times I felt I was doing the opposite. There were times when the guilt and the shame were shouting so loudly that I couldn’t hear the truth; praise Jesus His sheep DO hear His voice when we stop to listen, and the Truth He speaks can set us free. (And when we’re free, we parent a whole lot better!)
“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22: 6 AMPC.
The Message says it this way, “Point your kids in the right direction – when they’re old they won’t be lost.”
Notice it doesn’t say, “Live a perfect life in front of them, and then they’ll know which way to go!” Notice it doesn’t say, ‘Point out to your kids all the things of the past, or the mistakes you’ve made;’ nor does it say, ‘Point out to your kids all the times of the past that THEY’VE done wrong, so they won’t forget ….”
No! Praise God! It says, “Train and point them in the way they should go…” Point them towards JESUS! He IS the Way ! He is the TRUTH about who they are made to be! He is the Life that will fulfill them and live in them and never leave them nor forsake them!!!
And He is the One full of Grace they will need when they take a wrong turn; He is the forgiveness they will remember you needed and asked for and received when YOU messed up; and they won’t be lost when they need it, too.
The ground is level at the foot of the cross. We all have sinned – you, me, your kids, and mine; your hero, your enemy, and the perfect family on instagram; we’ve all fallen short of the glory of God that we are made of, and now remade in because the Glorious One lives in us!
I didn’t get it all right – this parenting thing. But He reminds me daily, “You don’t have to get it all right, Lori, because Jesus got it all right for you!” And I feel the pressure roll off and the peace roll over me like a wave of love and freedom! I realize I’m not responsible for how my kids turn out, I’m just responsible to daily keep myself in the love and joy of Jesus, be filled and led by His wonderful Spirit in me, and give away from the overflow of this free, abundant life I live in! I’m just called to love them well, model grace, and cultivate an atmosphere of peace where they, too, can hear their Shepherd’s voice over the noise of other voices!!
Practically speaking? It looks like modeling some quiet with Jesus for myself each day; time in His Word till His Word is in me! It looks like time with the kids in the Word, making the Bible our favorite book in the house! It looks like leading them in worship when they’re little, and taking them to houses of worship where they’ll want to worship when older.
But this “Point them in the Way they should go” thing also looks like pointing out how amazing God made the clouds, how miraculous he made the birds that are singing, how powerful He is that the thunder must obey Him! It looks like talking with Him throughout your day, thanking Him for every blessing as they come, and asking Him questions when you don’t know what to do next. It looks like walking with Jesus and talking with Jesus out loud until it’s as natural as talking and walking with each other. 24/7. 365.
It’s about lifestyle. Not getting it all right, but getting to do it all with Him right there with us. It’s not about being perfect, but about being perfectly devoted to the One who is, and who is IN us! It’s about listening for Holy Spirit, and writing down what He says, and teaching our kids that they can hear Him in everything!
I wonder if Grandparent-hood is like a redemptive gift from Father. We get to take all that we’ve learned from the Parenting season, and apply some of the wisdom we’ve gained through it all. I have to say, this makes me cry for joy and excited for the possible opportunity, and thankful to the One who redeems it all.
If there are any other parents reading this that didn’t do it perfectly, that aren’t getting it all right, that maybe have a few regrets, be encouraged today!! God is bigger! His love is GREATER! His ways are KINDER! And He is able to do more than we can ask or imagine when we realize it’s HIS power and love in us that we can rely on to parent our kids as He parents us! Confess your sins, receive His forgiveness, tell shame and guilt where to go, and joyfully get up and start again. Move forward. Look ahead! There’s a WAY we can go! Point your kids, and yourself, towards Jesus!
BE the child of God who is dearly loved and forgiven and free, so that you may BE the parent of God who loves your children to be the same!
Dear Clay & John, boys whom your Dad & I love beyond words; Dear Bailey and Jasmine, girls who have stolen our hearts and lit up our lives; Dear any grandchildren that may come of your love:
I just want you to know how wonderful Jesus is.
That’s all. He is everything. His love is the life every life longs for. He is my everything. He always has been.
It’s always been Jesus.
If there were only one thing I could ever tell you; only one thing you remember about Mom, it’s this: Jesus. Just Jesus.
I didn’t see it coming. I was just reading a very familiar story that Jesus told about this Shepherd and his sheep. He had 100 of them; but one of them wandered away and was lost. And that’s when it happened.
I began to weep. Like, not just a few tears, like a deep, gut-wrenching, wailing kind of weeping.
Just one sentence. Here’s what it said, “There once was a shepherd with a hundred lambs, but one of his lambs wandered away and was lost.” That’s all it took.
And I was there. And I could feel it. I was seeing this poor little lamb wandering all alone, looking around, so lost, so scared, desperately trying to find his family, trying to find his shepherd. And it was getting dark, and the lamb was getting cold and feeling so alone; fear turned into panic as he ran this way, then that, searching, crying out.
And I felt the heart of the Shepherd who loved this little lamb and had been caring for him since he was born, and feeding him and tending him… and he knew that He MUST find him, and quickly. The shepherd knew what the innocent lamb did not: that separated from his flock, without the safety of his shepherd, the little lamb was in great danger. The Shepherd was very aware that he wasn’t the only one searching to find him. He knew there were enemies around, vicious wolves and hungry lions, who would love to prey on an innocent, lost lamb.
And my heart broke. And the tears continued to fall. And I felt the heart of the Good Shepherd breaking for every lost lamb; for every one of his little ones who had wandered away, who didn’t have the safety of family, the guidance of a Shepherd; who felt completely and utterly alone.
It’s so easy to wander off. We get a bit overwhelmed with life, consumed with what’s in front of us, head down- we just plow ahead, not realizing we are wandering into scary territory. Following our desires for more, we just keep searching, thinking it’s just around the corner, just a bit further.
Till one day we stop, look up, and realize we have no idea how we got here. We don’t recognize the place we find ourselves nor the person we’ve become. We remember when we used to gather with the family, the flock of God; life just got busy; the kids are in sports; besides, it took so much emotional energy, all that asking about my life ….
We just needed time to rest; so we laid down and got comfortable; just needed sleep. But now -now that we’re awake, the silence is deafening and the darkness is descending, and we’re not sure which way to go. And the fear is rising as we realize we don’t know WHO to turn to, whom to listen to, nor which way is home.
“There once was a shepherd with a hundred lambs, but one of his lambs wandered away and was lost. So the shepherd left the ninety-nine lambs out in the open field and searched in the wilderness for that one lost lamb. He didn’t stop until he finally found it. With exuberant joy he raised it up and placed it on his shoulders , carrying it back with cheerful delight! Returning home, he called all his friends and neighbors together and said, ‘Let’s have a party! Come and celebrate with me the return of my lost lamb! It wandered away, but I found it and brought it home!'” Luke 15: 3-7
Every single lamb matters! YOU matter! He knows you by name, has loved you since birth, and longs for you to be home in the safety of His care! No matter how far you’ve wandered, He will find you – if you simply cry out! He will come to any wilderness, search throughout a lifetime, and will never stop until He finds you!!! THIS is the Shepherd who is also Father! This is the love of the one whose goodness and mercy follow you all the days of your life, and will never stop running after you!!
And when you turn around and cry out for THIS SHEPHERD, you will truly be found! You’ll have ALL that you need! He’ll lead you by still waters and restore your soul! He’ll give you rest in green pastures where you are safe and nourished and thriving and SAFE with the rest of the flock. And even if you walk through valleys, through any shadow of death, you will not have to fear: for He is with you! His rod and His Shepherd’s staff comfort you and keep you close and remind you He is near!!!
And surely, His goodness and His mercy, His love and His Father’s heart, will pursue you all the days of your life, and you can dwell – with the rest of your flock / your family – in the house of the Lord, the Home He prepared for you – forever! And there will be much celebration, and such great joy, and a party in your honor. You, his sheep, how you matter! For once you were lost. But now you are safe, you are home, you are found.
“She’s a Lori Ann.” And the story goes that my parents couldn’t decide what to name me that first day of my life; that is, until my Dad went down to the nursery, looked at me for awhile, and knew who I should be. “She’s a Lori Ann.” And my mom agreed, and so I was identified, and that day I got my name.
My dad is the first picture I ever saw of my Father God. I think he bears a striking resemblance. My dad was the first to care for me, protect me from all harm, provide for my every need, and pick me up whenever I would fall. He took me with him wherever he went, which included a lot of sporting events, and therefore had me dribbling a basketball between my legs at the age of three. I learned that he loved having me along.
When Dad was around, I knew I was safe, for he was my protector; he always came when I needed him. Even if things were scary, everything became Ok when dad picked me up and held me close and rescued me from my fear.
My dad went on to become my biggest fan, my most ardent advocate when things weren’t fair, my constant encouragement, and the voice inside my head that said, “You can do it!” He cheered me on, believed in me, and never gave up until I began to believe in myself.
My dad was a high school principal when I was young. He’s the world’s best ‘people-person’, loved his staff and his students alike. Most nights would find him at the gym or their music hall or some awards banquet. But when my sister and I got older and began to be involved in all those activities in a different school system, dad was torn. He couldn’t be in two places at the same time.
So, in a world where most people climb the career ladder, mine decided to take a step down. He took an elementary school principal position, so that he could be there for my sister and me, and eventually our little bro. Do you know what that spoke to this little 12 year old heart? That, WOW, my dad must really love me, and value me, and want to be where I am. I learned that I was worth changing jobs for, sacrificing money for, and giving up status for. I learned that I had worth.
Of course he went on to be the most beloved Elementary School Principal who ever lived… (well, yes, I can have my opinion!) Who else had 300 young ones hug you good morning, and hug you goodbye before they got back on the school bus? But I knew he still made a sacrifice. I knew he put his family above himself . I learned what Father’s love looks like in action.
“This is my commandment: love one another as I have loved you. No greater love has man than this- that a man lay down his life for his friends.” John 15: 13 (or his family)
I realize not every dad can just change jobs when the schedule gets tough. Sometimes, dads have to have two jobs these days just to make ends meet. My story may not be your story. But my story may encourage you if you are a dad or mom: your choices speak volumes to your kids! Your priorities are seen no matter what is spoken. Value is instilled by the time you spend and the words you’re there to speak and the times when you just sit in the stands. You get to be the first picture of our Father in heaven that your kids will ever see.
And if you didn’t have a dad like mine, be encouraged today. You have a heavenly Father who actually created you, designed you, and breathed life into your lungs. He loves you perfectly- even more than my dad loves me – because Love is His very nature; it’s Who He is. Every thought he has towards you and every action he takes towards you is only and always in love because He IS love and He cannot act apart from Who He is!
I am so thankful for my dad. For the Family he and my mom began. It has given me the most beautiful place to grow up and be known and be safe and be loved and be-long: no matter what. It’s where I learned I am wanted and enjoyed and celebrated and valued. It’s where I learned that I matter. It’s where I get my identity, when my dad declared my name, “She’s a Lori Ann.”
And you have a Family where you can do the same. Where you can be known and loved and enjoyed and celebrated. Where you can learn who you are and Who your Father really is, and hear Him declare over you today, “I have chosen you. You are mine.”
“But now, … listen to to the Lord who created you. O Israel, the one who formed you says, ‘Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine.'” Isaiah 43: 1
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