Yesterday, I got pretty real! But it’s because I’m pretty pumped that I’ve become pretty FREE!!   And my Papa said, “Proclaim the good news!”   Well, here it is:    “I’ve tasted and seen of the sweetest of loves, where my heart becomes free, and my shame is undone….’      (Thank you, Torwalts!  You can sing along with their song, “Holy Spirit”)

My heart becomes FREE!  My shame is undone!  Ah, every time I sing it, I weep!  And I smile!  Yes, both! At the same time!  (good thing this is a Just Us Girls blog… this makes no sense to guys…)

Here’s the thing:  in order to be free of something, we’ve got to see it first;  we’ve got to bring it into the Light, look at it, and agree with God that we need to be free from it!  We’ve got to be willing to TRUST this great Father and His never-ending, reckless love for us enough to say, “OK, Father, I trust that if I let you see this, you will truly do what’s best for me.  I trust your heart, Father, enough to know that if it’s something you want out of my life, it must be because you have something better to give me.   I trust your love enough, Papa, to let go and let you show me and let you take some things from me that have been taking some things from me and that have been taking me captive to some things…..      Yes, Father,  I know it may not be easy, but I trust you.  I know Your heart towards me is only GOOD, and therefore, I want you to see all these fears,  all these issues,  all this shame that I’ve been carrying.  It is scary, Father, but you are more Trustworthy – and I truly believe You want me free to fly!!.”

I had to agree with God that my anger was wrong, aka. a sin!  and that it was hurting not only me, but all those I loved.  I had to come into the light and share with all those who know me well, whom I have trusted and let into my life because they love me and Jesus both, and let them walk that road of deliverance with me.  I had to let go of that perfect image, that great performance, and especially the lie that I would bring shame to His name.  (Found out He’s not too concerned about that one!)

Coming into the Light can be scary!   What will people think?  About me, about all I’ve testified to, about my God?  Will my friends look at me differently?  Will I be judged?  And then, when Shame spoke up, he would whisper, “Just keep it between you and God.  God is big enough.   You don’t need to burden these other people.   You don’t want to risk ruining someone else’s faith.  You’ve almost got this… no one else needs to know…..”

And if you’ve ever heard a version of THAT voice speaking, can I help you out a little and let you know that is NOT your loving Father?  One of Jesus’ closest friends wrote this:

“This is the life-giving message we heard him share and it’s still ringing in our ears.  We now repeat his words to you:  God is pure light.  You will never find even a trace of darkness in him.  If we claim that we share life with him, but keep walking in the realm of darkness, we’re fooling ourselves and not living the truth. But if we keep living in the pure light that surrounds him, we share unbroken fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his son, continually cleanses us from all sin.  

If we boast that we have no sin, we’re only fooling ourselves and are strangers to the truth.  But if we freely admit our sins when his light uncovers them, he will be faithful to forgive us every time.  God is just to forgive us our sins because of Christ, and he will continue to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”    I John 1: 5-10 TPT

If, in reading those words, God is speaking to you about some sin that you know you need to confess, to God and to others, stop reading this random blog, and joyfully do it right now!!!   God’s already there, so that one’s first and easy.  Agree with Him that it’s not right or good for you, and ask Him to forgive you.  Then receive His overwhelming and loving cleansing that only He can bring!  (You will feel the Freedom come!!!!)  And thank Him for Jesus and the sacrifice He became for you, to set you free!~   (There’s some celebrating happening right now with your Papa and the angels … let Freedom ring!!!)  Finish by asking Him to fill you with His Spirit and ask Him what he wants to bring you in place of what you were settling for!!

Some of you, when you come into the Light of His presence, find things there that have been hidden for years… and just need cleaning out.  Some of those things you weren’t even responsible for, they were done, in fact, TO you.  Your kind and tender Father wants you to bring those to Him, too.  He wants you  to trust Him, and some trustworthy counselor or friend, by not carrying that one by yourself any longer.  “Come to ME, Jesus said, all of you carrying heavy burdens…..and I will give you rest for your soul.”

The rest of you may be thinking you’ve been there, done that.  And praise God if that’s the case!   But just in case you are like I once was, and have come to believe that ‘this is just something I deal with,”  or ‘this is just who I am.’    ‘It’s not a big deal.  I know God still loves me…..”  may I suggest to you that there is more freedom and more flying and soaring that He has for you?

Let’s try this:  Is there any thing you ‘let slide’ or do when you are alone that you would never be caught doing when other people are around? (Ask Holy Spirit to show you here) Is there something that you’ve never told your spouse, thinking that it’s no big deal?   Is there anything that comes across your screen that causes you to hide it or deal with quickly, before anyone else sees?   Are there things you say or ways you behave when you are with some friends that you would never say or do with your ‘church friends?’

If so, do not start walking down the Road called Shame!  This is an exciting moment!  Because if you said yes to any of the above questions,  you are NOT flying, and you probably know it!  You may have been wondering where the joy is, and why you don’t like yourself too much, and why you keep saying all those negative things about yourself and others.   You may always feel guilty, and not good enough, and you may have given up trying to ‘please God!’  But here’s the good news!  Your Light has come!  It is shining on the very thing that has shut down your heart, and your good Father wants to bring you out of the darkness and into His ‘pure light’ and SHOW you how these ‘hidden’ things are keeping you bound, tied up in knots, and not able to live fully alive nor FLY in the FREEDOM  that He has for you!

Let’s be real:  today’s culture gladly promotes being real.  Authenticity is a good buzz word for today’s generation.  The only danger in this is that with everyone being ‘real’ about their ‘stuff’, their brokenness, and that we all have it, there could be the temptation to then feel Ok about it.   If I’m broken and you’re broken and we’ve stopped judging one another because we’re all broken, then I’m feeling pretty comfortable in my brokenness, and feel no need to really change.  In fact, this is something we can share in together, and support each other when others may not understand…  It actually connects us in a special way.  We can have a Facebook group around it and celebrate it enough that we proudly ‘label’ ourselves by it and we can take offense together if someone suggests that it may not be God’s best for me.   “God loves us just the same” in this context is like when the Devil used half- truth to try to get Jesus to jump off a high temple: yes, but…..it’s not going to end well… pain will inevitably follow.

And more importantly?  This attempt at being ‘real’ falls short, because though you may be being ‘honest’,  you’re not really being real –  you’re not being the real you.  In our July 4 blog of Just Us Girls, we talked about how the REAL you is created in the image and likeness of God:   this is the true you!  Therefore, to be like your Abba God is to be the most like your true self that you can be!  He who dwells in pure light longs for you to walk in that pure, free light with Him!   And to deny whom He’s made you to be is choosing to stay bound on the ground and looking around instead of free to see whom He’s made you to be, and trusting Him enough to spread your wings, and let His Spirit lead you and fill you …. so you can… FLY!

Jesus let sin-bound men bind him so that we could go free.  He took ALL the brokenness upon himself and died under the weight of it all, so that you and I would no longer have to live broken, but could live whole and clean and right and free;  with nothing to hide, no shame to bear alone, no fear that someone may find out….  and able to be ourselves because we are fully known – and find that we are still fully loved!!    This is a freedom – on the inside – that no one and nothing can take from you!   This is being TRULY REAL and TRULY FREE…   and if the Son has set you free, you ARE free indeed!

One of my all-time favorite songs is by Steven Curtis Chapman, who wrote his song “Free” after visiting a man in prison, on death row.   If you want your heart to come alive, find this song on YouTube and hear about a man who was so free that the freedom he’d been given was something that not even death could take from him….  or you .. or me.   ‘Cause we’re free.

I am a recovering angerholic.  Recovering, because at any moment’s notice, I could be tempted to give in to it again.  At any moment.

I’m also a recovering control-freak. I didn’t know until this past decade of my life that these two issues, anger and control,  are closely related, intertwined even.   I wish someone had told me this 25 years ago;  I think it could have helped me.  I’m hoping it might help some of you today.

I also didn’t know years ago that underneath the two symptoms of anger and control is that nasty root, the one from which the other two grow… called fear.  I would never have agreed that I was fearful;  in fact, my personality is one that is pretty out-there, bold, courageous, not ‘afraid’ of too many things!!  Ready to take risks, not afraid to speak up, ready to take leadership if needed….  No, I am not a ‘fearful’ person.

Then I heard Danny Silk,  parenting and relationship author of a book called Loving on Purpose,  say this, “You can’t control anyone.  God doesn’t try to control anyone.  You have no ability to control anyone else…. except yourself.”    Wait, was that what I was trying to do as a new wife, as a young mom?  Control my husband, my children?  I thought I was being a good wife by making plans I thought would be in Steve’s best interest, or leaving certain books lying around that I thought he should read.  I thought I was being a good parent by having a plan, having expectations, requiring that they meet them….  I just had no idea they might have some thoughts or ideas of their own.

I had always had a pretty bad temper;  or, as my grace-filled husband would say, I had a passionate personality!  (God bless him…)  I just thought that’s who I was and how I was wired;  Steve & I were learning how to deal with it, communicate better, etc.  But when I became a mom, well, let’s just say some things started manifesting out of me that would have scared the least fearful person!

I LOVED becoming a mom!  It was and still is to this day one of the greatest gifts Father has ever given me!  I love my 2 boys with a fiery passion and an overwhelmed heart of love and great joy!!   I set out to raise them to know and love this Jesus who created them and loves them!  We homeschooled and included God in every aspect of our lives and learning…  since He is in all those anyway!  I loved being a young mom and all the joys that parenting brings!!   I maybe loved it too much….  or at least tried to control it too much.  And when my agenda or plan for the day was interrupted with a, “No.  No, I don’t want to….”  well, I didn’t handle it very well.  Why wouldn’t they want to do what their loving mother said…    like all the time?  And that’s when I would lose it;  never hurting them of course, but you know, like a volcano spewing, so were the words of my mouth and the volume of my voice!

I see it now:  I felt out of control.   I FEARED being out of control, of them not obeying or listening, of me not being a good mother, of failing….    ah…  there it is;  we are seeing the bottom parts of that root now:    and that FEAR led to me grasping for MORE control so that I would feel better, which led to more anger when that didn’t work, which led to  more fear of being out of control…..    you get the picture.

I did share this with my girlfriends.  They were gracious and kind and prayed for me.  I went forward at church for prayer, sure that I was ruining our sons by my temper outbursts.   Two sweet women told me that FIRST time I went forward, “Lori, this will be one area where you can show them why we all need a Savior…”  And I learned to ask for my boys’ forgiveness, and they always gave it.  I learned to walk the Calvary Road with Roy Hession and live of Lifestyle of Repentance, ie.stopping each time I lost it to ask for His gracious forgiveness and receive the cleansing that the blood of my Jesus bought for me.  I memorized every scripture on anger and rage,  “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…”    But the following sentence is one that really got me, “For human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires…”  And I would realize that I was actually producing the opposite kinds of fruit that I WANTED to produce- by my anger. I did Beth Moore’s bible study on Breaking Free, not once, but 6 times.   Yes, I was usually leading others through it, but don’t you know I was breaking free over and over and over….

Ready for some GOOD NEWS?   (umm, yes, Lori, please….)  God was gracious!  My boys aren’t ruined.  And I learned that I needed a sponsor for my angerholicness.  I learned that I could not be without this Sponsor for any length of time …. this Savior….  this Prince of Peace.   I learned to cling to Him and converse constantly with Him, and abide in Him – like 24/7, 365.   And then I learned that all my trying was fruitless unless I saw that He already saw me as FREE!!   HE had ALREADY set me free from anger and control and fear and sin….  it’s just that I kept beating myself up and believing the lies that I was a failure, I was a fake, I was one person at home and another at the bible study I was leading.  I let the enemy keep me in the dark alleys of shame, and then got angry with myself for not getting it all right.

Ah, I hope you read the Just Us Girls Blog from July 4:  Free 2 B.   I learned that I don’t have to ‘get it all right’, because Jesus got it all right FOR me!  I learned that Father already loves me COMPLETELY as His daughter, He already delights in me as I delight in my sons, and already has given me wings to fly and be FREE from sin’s strongholds and satan’s lies!    His LOVE – His unconditional, no matter what, could never sin too much to stop My love, kind of love FREED ME!   My Father’s love – that throws back His head and laughs with pure  joy over me – that says, ‘I know you through and through, and love you just the same, NOT BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU DO, BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE MINE!” – THIS kind of love, changed me!  This kind of love scooped me up in His Papa-arms, twirled me around, and shouted, “You are mine!   You are free!   You can let go of control!  You can let go of having to do it all right! You don’t have to perform or earn my Love!   You can TRUST ME!   For I love you, Lori, because you are my very own!   I see all that passion I put inside you,  and we are going to use it to change the world!  We’re turning your mourning into dancing, your ashes into beauty, your spirit of despair into a garment of PRAISE!    COME, Daughter!   Let’s fly!!!!!”

‘”Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God…  I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still you give Yourself away…. There’s no shadow you won’t light up, mountain you won’t climb up, coming after me!   There’s no wall you won’t kick down, lie you won’t tear down, coming after me!!!”

You can join me by listening to Cory Asbury’s full song, “Reckless Love.”  I highly recommend it!  For more good news, check in tomorrow…..   got some free dancing to do with my Papa……

“Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?  She is more precious than rubies.  Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life.  She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”  Proverbs 31:10

Something happens to my heart when I read the above scripture;  honestly, it makes me, as a wife, WANT to be that kindofwife.   It’s like reading a description of all I set out to be 30 years ago;  honestly all I thought I WOULD be.  Don’t all marriages set out with these kinds of hopes and dreams?

We did.  We still do.  I can think of times when God has helped me “enrich” Steve’s life, times when I have ‘brought him good’.  When I wait to get gas at the cheapest place, that enriches him!  When I stop stressing out and being anxious, and remember to just have fun, that brings him good AND a smile!   And when I actually remember to USE the coupons that he clips each week,  well….  that really does it!  I can tell by the look on his face that he’s thinking, “My Lori –  she’s a ‘virtuous and capable wife!”  (and possibly hanky-panky is soon to follow, as he often says!)

This past holiday week, we spent some time boating;  being out on the water makes Steve think about his dad every time, and how much he loved sailing.  His dad passed into his heavenly home last year;   we all miss him a great deal, but Steve feels it at a deeper level.  His dad was not only his dad, he was his hero.

As we were having a sunset ride out on the lake, my man quietly said, “I miss my dad.”   I just reached out and held his hand.   We cried a little together.  I didn’t try to say anything;  didn’t try to point out the positives… I felt God nudging me to just be with him in it.   I think maybe that ‘enriched’ his life at that moment.   Sometimes saying the right thing means not using words at all.  (a foreign concept to some of us girls….)

Then there are those other times.  Those times that are easier to remember because they get stuck on the shame hanger inside the closet of our brains.  Times when I didn’t bring him good or enrich his life, but did rather quite the opposite.    Times when I take out my anger or frustration on him, and wish I could take back the words as soon as they leave my mouth.  Or the time he began to share some difficult things going on with his job, with one of the guys he works with.   I thought I would be so helpful by taking his side and expressing my righteous anger as a sign of solidarity…… “You’ve got to be kidding!   That’s ridiculous.  That guy is always….  I don’t know how you work with him….”    The look on his face at that moment was not reflecting my virtuous or capable assistance….  He just stopped talking and walked away.    Girls, I have found this is not what guys are looking for.    (is that right, men?)

Instead, because one of a man’s core needs is respect, he will always try to show it and give it,  whether he’s frustrated with someone or not.   What he needed from me in that moment was more of the NOT saying anything at all, and maybe just listening, and being in it with him.

Girls, what are ways you can enrich your husband’s life today?  I’ve come to believe it’s probably NOT responding with the first emotions I feel, nor saying the first thing that comes to my mind!   Often it is stopping BEFORE speaking or acting, and actually asking ourselves – and Holy Spirit – “How can I bring him good right now, Father?  What does he need from me most?”     And waiting on God until I know HIS thoughts on the matter, as he understands my man much better than I.   And loves him even more as well.

And husbands!   I realize we’ve only scratched the surface of all the ways we wives can be virtuous and capable, enriching your lives and not bring you more harm~  But if you want to encourage this growth in your bride, this same Proverb gives you men some clues as well:  first, it says he can trust her.   Ask for your woman’s thoughts on things more often, men, even if you need to remind her that you don’t want to ‘bash’ anyone or get angry about it….  she would be honored and feel ‘trusted’ if you could share more of what IS going on in your life.   Help her know how she can be a blessing to you as you share;  she does want to know, and may sometimes need to be reminded!

Second, if you read all the way to the end of this Proverb, the infamous #31 for us women, you’ll read these words:  “her husband joins in with words of praise…” vs.28.  I truly believe the woman described in this Proverb is the way she is partly because she has a husband who praises her.   Whether verbal affirmation comes easily for you or not, guys, it is a worthwhile thing to step beyond your comfort zone and water the seeds of greatness in your wife with words of praise and honor.  Has she brought you any good recently?  Been virtuous or capable in some way?   Your words of praise will cause that moment /deed to be seared into her brain, and she will want to do it more!  Your words have extreme power to cause her to thrive and grow and become thekindofwife she longs to be!

Girls, we will talk more about this in some of our Just Us Girls blogs in the coming weeks, in case you want to join me in becoming THAT kind of wife.

Until then, we bless you today with a moment to stop and ask yourselves, “What kind of spouse DID I set out to be?   How am enriching his/her life ?”

As we close, take a minute to ask the Expert Marriage Counselor:  God Himself.  “Father, how can I greatly enrich my spouses’ life today?    How can I bring him/her good today?   What do you see that he/she needs from me most?”     And we bless you to hear the voice of your good Father and take the joyful steps He leads you to take!

And in the words of Thumper, one of my personal heroes, “If you can’t say somethin’ nice, don’t say nothin’ at all!’

Girls!  I have been blogging about marriage a lot lately, and Steve and I will continue to share things we have learned and are learning each week through a Monday Marriage Moment you can subscribe to if you want.   But the more we talk about marriage, the more my heart longs to just grab a cup of coffee and sit down with you, my fellow-wives or wives-to-be, and just talk –  just us girls!! 

And if we could – sit down over coffee,  I wouldn’t ask about your marriage first off;  I’d ask about you!   For before we can become thekindofwife we all long to become, we all first must be free to be the girls we long to become!!

Author Francois’ du’Toit tells a true story about an exciting moment he witnessed with an Australian Wildlife organization .  I don’t remember all the details, but he was invited to attend the release of an exquisite eagle into the wild for the first time.  This particular eagle had been rescued very young and raised in a safe, controlled environment until he became healthy and mature enough to be released and allowed to fly for the first time, back into his natural environment.  All the onlookers were on tip-toe with anticipation as they brought the eagle out into the wide open space, unbound him, and raised him up high – free now to fly!!!   As all who were there held their breath, all were astounded that the eagle did NOT fly at all;  it chose to merely look around and remained right where it was.

The moments seemed like hours as no one wanted to move, waiting to see what would happen.  Suddenly above them, in what seemed like divine providence, they heard the sound of an eagle flying overhead and calling out.   In one split second, the earth-bound eagle looked up, began to flap his grand wings, and took flight – beautifully soaring into the sky.

Du’Tuoit explains that all it took for the eagle to realize his true identity and potential was one revelation of his origin,  one glimpse of an example of himself – like in a mirror – to understand who he was and for what he was designed!   Just One sound that resonated in the core of who he was, calling to him – and he knew he was designed for freedom – he was designed to FLY!

GIRLS!   We were designed for FREEDOM –  you and I are designed to FLY!  To soar in grace and beauty  as we step into our true identities and BE whom God designed us to be!  But here’s where my heart has been breaking:  so many of us are not flying;  we are looking around unsure of who we are, feeling captive & bound by fears and lies and unaware that we have been set free!

Let’s try a quick exercise.  Grab a pen and paper, or your journal, or phone.  (I’ll wait here…)  Ok. Now, imagine you are at a party and you overhear, in the next room, some of your friends and family talking about you. What would you long to hear them saying?  What words or phrases would you hope they would use to describe you, not just the practical but the core of who you are? (Note:  this is not what WOULD they say, this is what YOU WOULD WANT them to say, what you really wish would be what they see?)  Now write the first things that come to your mind.    (I’ll wait here again…  no rush…..)

When you are done, let me ask you this:   how many of the things that you wrote down are true of Jesus as well?   Circle the ones that also describe Him.  Do you see it?  Deep down, this is who you truly WANT to be!!!!   This is the desire of your heart – to be LIKE Jesus.   Why?     Because that is who you were CREATED to be:   you were MADE in HIS IMAGE!    Therefore, to be like Him is to be the truest YOU that you can be!   Like the eagle, when we see HIM, we recognize all we long to be – all we were made to be!!

This is my story, too.   I am on a journey with God to understand who I really am!   I used to think I was a sinner, saved by grace, and my goal was to try as hard as I could to get it all right, so that I could one day become like Jesus.   But over time, I have heard a sound – a revelation – that has resonated in the core of who I really am.  God has graciously been calling out – not just to me – but to all of us – and I have looked up!  I have seen a fresh revelation of my true origin:  and it is JESUS!   I am beginning to understand that what He did for us on the cross was so much MORE than just forgiving our sins:  He actually restored us to our original design. We were ALL made in His image, and because Jesus defeated the sin that bound us, He has set us FREE to become our true selves!  He has ‘flown ahead, above us, leading the way’ as a revelation of what it now looks like when God’s Spirit fills a girl:  we can spread our wings, rest in what HE has already accomplished for us, and FLY!!

Jesus is not just an example FOR us, but an example OF us, of what flying looks like!  Like the eagle who didn’t realize who he was, I, too, need a revelation of who He has made me to be when He forgave my sin, set me free, and filled my with His very own Spirit.  I no longer have to ‘get it all right,’ because Jesus got it all right for me.  (Can you pause here, and take a deep breath of THAT truth?!!!)     He has ALREADY made me like himself!  He has taken the exam for me, passed it with an A, and that is the grade that is permanently in the books under my name!   I no longer have to pass the test!  I have been granted the status of COMPLETE!  FULLY and JOYFULLY ACCEPTED!  IN THE FAMILY!   I no longer have to try in my own strength, looking around at others to see how I’m doing;  I now look to Him and thank Him for making me new – like Him – and ask Him to lead me by His Spirit in me as I understand more fully what is possible; what it means to be FREE!!

Practically speaking, what does this look like?   This means knowing and applying who I am in Christ to the every day living of life!  I am passionate for us as women to realize the enemy has been lying to us about who we are and how far we fall short and how disappointed God is with us – and thinking our husbands must be as well.  He has bound us up in fear of never being good enough, never getting it right, never pleasing God ….and we begin to think this is true.  That’s why we must look UP and SEE who Jesus and Father really are:  loving us so dearly, already accepting us, & delighting in us with great joy!  And having done all the work of setting us free from sin, Father is now calling us higher-to freedom –  to fly as His children!

SO – on this day of Freedom – this 4th of July when we celebrate that we are free – I’m here to sign another Declaration …  The war has been WON!  Our enemy has been defeated!   The accuser has been silenced!  The word is out:  We are truly and completely FREE

!For the next few weeks, maybe months, I’m going to blog about all the ways Jesus has set us free from the fears and anxieties that have held us captive!  We will talk about being free from the fear of failure, the fear of never being good enough, the fear of missing out (FOMO), etc.!  We will encourage each other to LOOK UP and see Jesus as our example, and hear His voice calling us to let go, and be who we are, and know that we are so dearly loved!

Girls!   The FREE life that Jesus has purchased for us and filled us with (it’s already inside of us!) is one marked by LOVE, and JOY, and PEACE …   patience and kindness and goodness and faithfulness and yes – even self-control .    Anyone besides me long to know THOSE as your daily reality?  Anyone else besides me long to be THAT kind of wife?    Any area of my life that is not enjoying these things is under the influence of a lie – for these things are already ours – already IN us because HE is in us!  We no longer have to TRY HARDER, we just have to realize what’s already been given to us and who we already ARE!!!!    And just be.  In Him.  Keep our eyes on Him and allow the wind of God’s very own Spirit to fill us & lift us up above the fears of this earth-bound life.   THEN we will know FREEDOM!  THEN we will fly!!   THEN we will soar in the freedom that has been purchased for us!  THEN we will be FREE to BE whom we already are!

“But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away.  For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord.  And the Lord – who is the Spirit – makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.”    2 Corinthians 3: 17-18

PRAYER:  Much like our earlier example, Jesus is at the party and talking about you right now!  Ask Him, “What are you saying about me, Jesus?   What do you see that is true about who I AM?”     Now write what you first hear, write your first thoughts.    Ask him again, “Is there more?  What do you want me to know about what you think about me?”  Write your first thoughts;  you can trust that it is Him within you.       Next, ask Him if there are any lies you have been believing (or speaking) about yourself that are different from His thoughts about you!     Write them down.   Then renounce those things out loud, (“I am NOT _______”)  and cross them OUT!   And ANNOUNCE or confess out loud what JESUS has said about you!     End by thanking him and agreeing with Him that He is truth, and that truth will set you FREE!

Happy 4th of July!    (If you want to join us for ‘Just Us Girls’ blog every week, click on SUBSCRIBE at the bottom of this page!)

A funny thing happened in April.  We realized we were about to celebrate our 30th Wedding Anniversary on the 30th of April.   So, we took 30 days to blog and thank God and celebrate marriage in honor of all the 30’s.  Our desire was to give back – to humbly give thanks to God by sharing or giving away some of the things that we have been blessed to learn, in hopes that other marriages might be blessed or encouraged in some small way.

Here’s the funny thing:  I think our marriage got blessed most of all!   Looking back, those 30 days of intentional time thinking on our marriage were life-changing for us.  Our marriage was the healthiest, happiest, and most hopeful it has ever been.   It caused us to be gut-level honest with ourselves and God, and it reminded us how much we’ve been through, how good God has been, and how thankful we are.

Makes sense.   They say it takes approximately 21 days to form a habit.   After 30 days, we had formed a new habit of being intentional DAILY with the gift of our marriage.   After 30 days, we were looking at each other with more kindness, more understanding, more grace.

So, here we are again.  We’ve decided to keep it up – not really for you who may read – no offense – but for US!   Not every day, but maybe once a week.   A Marriage Moment…  maybe MONDAY’s Marriage Moment, maybe more.  We’ll see.   A time to stop and turn and look at each other again, and realign and smile and be thankful.

We’re going to start today by reminding ourselves of one of the most powerfulhabits we have found for a joyful marriage – and a joyful LIFE, for that matter:  Gratitude.   NOUN.   “The quality of being thankful;  readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness”   

“Give thanks to the Lord for He is GOOD!  HIS faithful love endures forever!”  1 Chronicles 16: 34

“Be joyful always.  Pray continually.  Give THANKS in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”          1 Thessalonians 5:16

God actually instructs us to BE thankful, to give thanks, and to be overflowing with GRATITUDE.   It is not only the right response to Who God is and what He has done, it actually becomes our strategy and weapon for victory in marriage and life!

First, choosing to give thanks to God reminds us  (‘re – minds’ …  realigns our thinking) that God has been so good and kind.  When we look up long enough to say Thank You, we SEE Him clearly again, and we are re-minded how powerful and big and wonderful He is.   When we praise Him, He actually ‘inhabits’ the praises of His people;  He comes even more near.  He is drawn to those loving Him and thanking Him.

Try this:  Think of one amazing thing God has done in your marriage (even if it were years ago!).  Lift your eyes to Him and thank Him.    Tell him again you remember that only HE could have done that…. and you are grateful!    Now look for his Father-smile as He responds to you:  how big is God?  Can anything threaten or worry Him?  Is there anything too hard or trouble too great that He cannot easily handle it?

And there:  we are seeing correctly again.  Now, we can look at the day, the situations in front of us, re-minded that Father God has been faithful, IS faithful still, and is with us in whatever we are facing!  We remember that He has made us HIS children, and we are quite safe and secure with Him who never leaves us~

And NOW, we can look back at our spouse and remember that God is their Father, too, and they are his child!  He loves them and is FOR them and hears every prayer you pray for them!  Now you can see your spouse through the eyes of your Father, see the good, see all that you fell in love with the first time…. and your heart BECOMES grateful.   Giving thanks realigns our vision, and our hearts follow.

Giving Thanks is also a weapon God has given us to defeat the enemy, his lies, and the fears & frustrations he brings.   (See April Love Blog, Day 16: Enemy)   It’s good to remember that “Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone (and some marriage) to devour.”  1 Peter 5:8   Because he has been rendered powerless by Jesus, the only trick up his sleeve is to whisper his lies to us about God, ourselves, and our spouse.  If he can get us to agree with him, then we have put our ‘faith’ or belief in him, empowering him to come in and have his way with our thoughts and emotions.  BUT if we can declare our THANKS and the PRAISES of God LOUDER than his lies, we will drown them out with the TRUTH;  we can silence his voice with our own, declaring we believe in our good Father and thanking Him that He is greater than all.

Real Life:  This sounds good on pap…uh, blog.   It was easy to be grateful in Switzerland on our amazing anniversary trip.  In fact, all I could do was cry with thankfulness – like every day.   I just kept repeating out loud, “Thank you, Jesus.   Thank you, Father.”   We climbed mountains, strolled through villages, and held hands all along the way.  We were humbled, grateful, and so thankful for each other and for God’s extravagant goodness.

Then we came home.  Then we had to catch up.  Then we visited hospitals where those we love are hurting and fighting and dealing with real life.   Then we entered back into the crazy schedules and the travel for work and the commitments.   Then we had a choice:  We felt the temptation to focus on the tiredness & just getting life done, and forget Who God is and who we are in him.     I admit, I stumbled and had moments like this;  Steve maintains his vision better than I.

But on Sunday morning, God showed me a cool thing He had done in me.  We were worshiping God, singing His praises, and I was happy to be back in church with our community in worship, focusing again on His face.  I was surprised, then, when all of a sudden these images began playing across my mind:  images of majestic mountains, and ancient church spires, and lovely cafes along narrow streets…  and holding hands.  At first I thought I was just being distracted.    Then I realized:   I was worshiping.   In His presence, I was remembering all He had done and how good He really is, and I was giving Him thanks from the purest place ….. the place of gratitude.   I didn’t have to bring it to mind, conjure it up, or strive to be thankful.   I just lifted my eyes to Him long enough to say thanks, and that which we had been ‘practicing’ came out of me as a natural response.

Gratitude.   NOUN.   “The quality of being thankful;  readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness”   

What would our marriages become if we started every day with, “Thank You, Father.”  Thank you for my husband, for my wife, for our marriage.   Thank you for who they are, who they are becoming, and Who you are in them.   Thank you for the privilege of being the one who knows them best here on earth, and the one who can see, believe, and cheer them on to becoming.  Thank you for the joys we’ve shared as well as Your faithfulness to us through the storms, troubles, and tears.  Thank you that You have given us Your Spirit of love and joy and peace to abide in us whatever may come!  And thank you for giving us a best friend with whom we get to journey through this life.

Today, we bless you with a moment to look up, and say Thanks.   It may just become a habit.

Today!!   Today is our 30th Wedding Anniversary!!!  30 Years!!! 

Thank you, Father God.

This last week,  our kids took us out to celebrate.  It was one of those nights that we parents cherish more than our kids will ever know;  one of those you know you will never forget;  one that we’ll thank God for all the days we have on this earth… and all the ones we’ll have in heaven, too.

They planned a beautiful night for us, brought us flowers, shared stories, and graciously let us reminisce.  They read us letters from young couples whom we’ve mentored, which blessed us and honored us and made us cry.  And they listened when we had that moment of trying to put into words all that we wanted to say, all we wanted them to remember and take away from our very imperfect attempt at 30 years.

“Kids,” I said.  “You need to know.  Marriage is work:  if you see any success in ours, if you feel any of the joy that we have known, know this:  your dad has exemplified an unselfishness in our marriage that has left me speechless.  If you remember anything: remember the ways your dad has served me (and you) when he did not have to.  Remember the ways he continually put himself last, and did things to bless me, and sacrificed his own wants and comforts to love me well.   This one thing:  serving each other unselfishly – is God’s plan and His path to a fulfilling and joyful marriage.  It’s getting up early to provide for your family, it’s shoveling the walk when it’s 10 below zero, it’s letting out the dog when no one else wants to get up, it’s selfless leadership. Yes, it’s encouraging, romancing, laughing, and loving, but in all of these – it’s finding joy by laying your wants and rights down for the other.  It’s selfless.   I pray you will love this way, boys.  I pray you will remember.”     (In all honesty, I wasn’t that eloquent in the moment.  I was blubbering and emotional.  But praise God for blogs and boys that read them… I get another chance at saying what I was trying to say through the emotions …)

We looked at our two sons, so proud of the ways they are caring for their young ladies, overwhelmed by God’s goodness and grace that they have become such amazing people, and are following hard after our God.   We looked at their two young ladies, and I could not stop the tears as it washed over me again:  how could God be so good to answer our prayers that we have prayed since they were babies and bring them such amazing women of God?  How can we thank God enough for the ways they laugh and love and bring out the best in each other?  How is it possible that after having two sons, God can create a love in our hearts for daughters that have entered our lives and stolen our hearts and brought us such joy?

This is a picture of God’s kingdom.  A glimpse of His heart.  A picture, though imperfect, of God’s desire for family and marriage and adoption and union.  Just think!!  If this is the joy we can taste, even in brief moments here on earth, how much more will be our joy when we are all united in perfect oneness and family in heaven?!!!   How much more will we love and know and cherish each other when we all reach our eternal home, where we will never be separated again, and this love will never end?   How good really is God?   How much does He love us?  There are no words.

“Look with wonder at the depth of the Father’s marvelous love that he has lavished on us!  He has called us and made us his very own beloved children.”  1 John 3: 1

If you’re still reading this blog, and have yet to know this God who knows you, hear our hearts:  there is no one like Him.  He is our strength, our grace, our forgiveness and our joy.  He is our way, our truth, and our very life.  We pray you will press on to know him more.    It’s the best thing you could do for you – and your marriage!

And how do we end 30 days of celebrating?  We’ve been pretty blown away by the kind responses we’ve had from you, our friends we know and the new friends we don’t know yet, who have been following this blog and our journey of celebrating 30 years.  We just wanted to say thanks for going on this journey with us.

Thank you  for celebrating with us!  For reading these very long blogs (I’ve never been known for brevity…),  for your kind responses, and for reaching out to let us know how God might be blessing YOUR marriage through them.  And thanks for caring enough about marriages to spend some time with us.    We told you before – we are praying for you and would love it if you would pray for us.  We pray our marriages would continue to be a picture of God’s great love for us and the joyful union he desires to have with us, His people.

We pray blessings on you and your marriages today!  May you get to celebrate 30, 50, 60 years someday!   And no matter how long you’ve been married, may you celebrate TODAY, one day at a time – by cherishing and honoring and serving and loving each other  well.

“May the Lord bless you and protect you.  May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you.  May the Lord show you his favor and give you his peace.”  Numbers 6:24

“So I’m asking you, my friends, that you be joined together in perfect unity – with one heart, one passion, and united in one love.  Walk together with one harmonious purpose and you will fill my heart with unbounded joy.  Be free from pride-filled opinions, for they will only harm your cherished unity.  don’t allow self-promotion to hide in your hearts, but in authentic humility, put (your spouse) first and view (your spouse) as more important than yourselves.  Abandon every display of selfishness.  Possess a greater concern for what matters to (your spouse) instead of your own interests.  And consider the example that Jesus, the Anointed One has set before us.  Let his mindset become your motivation.”   Philippians 2: 2-5

His mindset?  This is Jesus’ words to us all:   “So this is my command:  Love each other deeply, as much as I have loved you.  For the greatest love of all is a love that sacrifices all.  And this great love is demonstrated when a person sacrifices their life for their friends.”  

And their spouse.

(We’re off to Switzerland and Austria to celebrate!  And have fun!!!!!)

2018

Lessons learned in 30 years of Marriage

As Lori and I have talked about this blog, the intent, the opportunity to share our lives in an effort to help others more quickly identify and overcome some of the real challenges we have faced, and the overwhelming gratitude we have for each other and our lives together, I wanted to provide some more direct “Guys perspective”.  Our relationship and marriage has been like most meaningful relationships in that the real gold or depth is found in sharing both the highs and the lows and knowing that we are in it with each other no matter what….we made a covenant with God that says just that.

As a man I see many things differently than Lori.  We are wired differently by God in His masterplan to have the two of us be exponentially better together than we are apart.  Our society has created a perception that the man or the woman needs to “Win/Lead/Control” which can create a competitive dynamic for marriage in our households instead of a cooperative/complimentary context.  I believe my primary role in life is to help Lori to reach her full potential in Christ; she feels her greatest opportunity in life is the same…..having her reach her full potential… No,  helping me reach MY full potential in Christ.  That sets the foundation for me looking for ways to serve her, encourage her, challenge her and to love her well and she does the same for me.

So guys why do our marriages seem so hard and overwhelmingly complicated some times?  Why do we feel like we are trying hard to provide for the family, communicate well, and encourage our wives, and yet they are not responding – or perhaps respond in a way that speaks……it’s just not enough?  I think I might be able to clarify a few things that can ease some marital frustration and increase the hanky panky opportunities:

1. Lead in the moment until it becomes natural. Many men can see leading someone else, girlfriend, wife, family as a very large task that requires doctorate level education or experience.  My advice is that leading happens best when taken in small intentional pieces.  Lead in the moment with small things, serving her first, anticipating her needs before they arise, being present in the moment.  Taking the little steps consistently creates big results.  You don’t have to have a master plan for the rest of your lives!!
2. Her emotions are very REAL….to her. I find that many of my most frustrated moments over our 30 years of marriage have been based on Lori’s expression of emotion and not really the topic we are working through.  Because of that, and the fact that we are wired differently, I have had a tendency to “put up with the emotions” to get to the real issues.  Experience tells me that I need to look at Lori in her entirety and address how the situation is making her feel and not just the situation.  Her feelings matter and they are a large part of loving her well.
3. Ask more questions guys… Lori is a highly relational person and she finds great enjoyment using words, engaging with other people and having deep conversation on relational topics.  I’m a relational person as well but I hit my word maximum for the day around 3:00 p.m.   Then it’s a struggle…. I would suggest that most women want to be discovered, over and over again.  Lori calls it pursuing.  Lori wants to be valued, engaged, sacrificed for because each time I do that I make a very positive emotional deposit in her and our relationship.  Asking questions is a great on ramp to that pursuit and connection.  Be intentional in this area, initiate, then LISTEN men!!!  Women, the best thing you can do as your part in this is respect the effort not the execution at first.  As with many things, we should encourage things that we want to see more of in our marriages.  Ask good questions and compliment often, more hanky panky is just around the corner.

Ladies, I feel guys can be placed in a very difficult position these days as it relates to initiating.  As an example, I was raised to open doors for women as a show of respect and honor, so I do so often.  Recently I was given a harsh look and told by a woman that she was quite capable of opening the door for herself.  My intent was to honor and her interpretation of my action did not align with that intent.

Guys please don’t take this as an excuse for you not to initiate, rather ladies please understand today’s environment and how it can cause men to hesitate.  Being clear, there are also some flat out lazy men who have become firmly placed in selfishness and blame because they have chosen not to initiate meaningful conversation with their wives to address the real issues in their relationship.  As Lori has stated in prior blogs, we have wrestled with many issues, emotions and heartaches but ultimately come to the conclusion that Jesus calls us to a cooperative marriage where we look to help each other grow to our God given best in His Kingdom.

In closing , the single greatest attribute to our marriage beyond our covenant with God is that we always try to HAVE FUN and not take ourselves and our situations too seriously.  Reality is, God is leading and we are listening and following Him.  How can that not be a great, FUN adventure!!

April Love is actually a song and a movie that came out in 1957, when love and marriage were a bit more simple, seemingly more innocent, maybe what our hearts long for today.  (If I knew how, I’d have you play the song while reading this particular blog post… maybe you can hum it… or play it on your phone…  “April Love…. ”  So sweet…)

Steve’s parents were married in 1956 in Evansville, IN, and enjoyed 60 years as man and wife before Steve’s dad went home to heaven last spring.   Theirs was a marriage of deep love and honor and serving each other.  How much we learned from them!!

My parents were married in 1962 in Gas City, IN.  My dad was fresh out of college and my mom was 18.  Yes, 18 years old.  They’ve been married 55 years, and still inspire us every day to love hard, laugh hard, and lay down our lives as they have done for each other… and their kids.  How we long to love well as they do.

My Dad’s parents on the right were married in a farmhouse near Fairmount, IN, in 1937.  They were married 60 years.  Bob and Anna lived through WWII with my Grandfather being far away for over 2 years when my dad was little, leaving my Grandmother to raise two little boys by herself while he was gone.  We still have postcards he wrote home to them; and he could never talk about it without crying.   Perseverance.  Hard Work. Commitment.  Faithfulness.  Oh, we learned so much from their deep love for each other.

My Mom’s parents were married in 1930 in Upland, IN, and they were married 58 years.  My grandfather was the choir director/worship leader, and my grandmother the organist, at the same church – for over 40 years…   40 years.  Commitment.  Loyalty.  Faith.  Service.  Strong love.   Jesus.  We learned so very much from them.

“Freely you have received;  freely give.”  Matthew 10: 8

“. . .what we have heard and known, what our fathers have told us.  We will not hide them from our children;  we will tell the next generation about the glorious deeds of the Lord, about his power and his mighty wonders.”

“. . . For he gave his instructions to Israel.  He commanded our ancestors to teach them to their children, so the next generation might know them – even the children not yet born- and they in turn will teach their own children.”

“So each generation should set its hope anew on God, not forgetting his glorious miracles and obeying his commands.”   Psalm 78: 3-7

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.  These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.  Impress them on your children.  Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  Write them on your doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”  Dueteronomy 6: 4-8

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.  For wives, this means being devoted to your husbands like you are tenderly devoted to our Lord . . . and to the husbands, you are to demonstrate love for your wives with the same tender devotion that Christ demonstrated to us, his bride.”   Ephesians 5: 21-22, 25

“. . . older women . . . train the younger women to love their husbands and children, and to be self-controlled and pure, taking care of their household and being devoted to their husbands. . . . ” Titus 2: 3-4

We are so grateful.    We are so thankful for 30 years of friendship and love and marriage.   We are beyond thankful for our parents and their parents and all who came before them . . . who laid down their lives for one another, and persevered, and worked hard, and fought hard and laughed hard . . .  and loved well.

Freely we have received.  We have simply been recipients of that which others before us prayed into, fought for, and stayed faithful through- to pass down to us.

Freely we must give.  And so we say to you, our children and our spiritual kids and our premarital couples….  Pray hard.  Fight hard.  Laugh hard.

And love well.

And if you out there reading this did not have generations before you to pass down the ways of the Lord and the truth and training about life and love and marriage,  do not let the enemy steal from your family line any longer.   There is a call on you and your family line as well.   It may have been lost for a while,  maybe hidden for a few generations;  but there is a call.  And there is a purpose and generational blessing that is still yours for the reclaiming!!   Start today!   Build your house upon the Lord and His ways!   Submit yourselves to each other and to Jesus,  and then teach your children to do the same!  Reclaim your generation and begin a legacy today that will be passed on from generation to generation.  You can be the one.    You can be the ones to start it for your family today.

Freely we have received.  Freely we must give.    Kids – yes, all of you, pictured above or not – you know who you are….  and all of you who’ve received from our good Father:    Freely give what you’ve been given.  Pass it on.  Jesus is worth it all.

(This one was written by our son, John, who claims to have no blogging experience;  but seems to be quite experienced in teaching the rest of us a thing or two about life and relationships.  Thanks, JohnnyO!)  

I have never written a blog, read a blog, or even referenced a blog in my entire life until these 30 days. It’s not that I have anything against people expressing their thoughts, giving advice, and taking advantage of a platform to be heard, blogs simply are not who I am.

To be entirely honest, I don’t even understand the spacing in these things.

I feel like I can be reading the first paragraph, and then all of a sudden two sentences later, I’m at the bottom of page 5 and can’t seem to figure out how I got there. Nonetheless, if these blogs were to be printed, copied, or scanned, I would highly encourage you to check out Sharp’s MX-M4070N to lower your CPC’s and increase work-flow efficiencies.

Okay I’m done with the sarcastic snootiness for now. As for a more formal introduction to this brief post, I am John, Steve & Lori’s youngest son. Clay, my older brother, posted a blog prior to this that yet again shows the major differences in personalities and day to day thoughts. I entered into the corporate world out of college, as my brother continues to do the Lord’s work down in Greenwood. The differences in our daily lives and what we are surrounded by could not be more extreme. But the fundamental make-up of our DNA, morals, and values are shared closely thanks to the role models that our parents were to us growing up. The amount of respect that I have for my brother and mother’s ability to properly articulate meaningful, raw, and emotion-driven posts is incredible to me.

Clay and I were blessed with the perfect parents. And I mean perfect. Please disregard all former posts in this blog that eliminate the concept of perfection in marriage. Perfection is something that I believe is 100% attainable, and actualization is relative to each application of the word. For marriage (disclaimer – I am not married), my parents have gotten to that point of being the best that they can be, together. This does not mean that they do not make mistakes or have issues and arguments, this means that they have bought into the acceptance of continual improvement, communicating said improvement, and celebrating the improvement as it comes. This type of mentality is one that they have passed down to their children, and everyone that they come into contact with. It’s, in my opinion, the mindset of every growing Christian, or in a worldly example, a professional athlete. The idea of waking up every morning, wanting to be better than you were the day before, accepting defeat and growing from it, and in this specific instance, doing all of this with another human being.

A little over a year ago, I started seeing this girl. If you follow me on any social media sites, she is the model in all the pictures that looks like she has no business being around a gimpy old 23 year old like me. She has brought a tremendous amount of joy, positivity, and mainly energy into my life. She loves hiking, cooking, talking about her emotions, dancing around (everywhere), meeting as many people as possible, and baseball. So essentially the exact opposite of me. We have not always been on the same page, and to be entirely transparent, our differences in the beginning nearly tore us apart. I 100% give credit to my parents, the way that I was raised, and what I witnessed as a child as to the reasons why we are together and happier than ever to this day. Because very early on in our friendship, even before we started dating, I hammered home the concept of communication time and time again, because that’s what I was privileged with witnessing as a child. I learned early on that when two people love each other, it’s not easy. But the challenge is what brings the love together. When one of us is struggling or pulling the other one down, (don’t act like your relationship doesn’t have this both ways, because I tried and failed miserably), the other has that duty to come alongside and help level them back out.

Jasmine and I have progressively gotten better at approaching situations as a “we” and not a “me”. Similar to my parents, Jasmine has a slightly higher emotional range than I do, and sometimes my lack of reaction leads to the black hole of emotional confusion that I will never escape. Seeing my parents consistently extend grace and forgiveness to one another despite the situation has had a lasting impact on my life and my relationships.

To wrap up this jumbled up, most unprofessional attempt at communicating the value of these incredible role models, I would like to share what I see as an ideal marriage to my unmarried eyes. I see ambitions, dreams, happiness, struggles, burdens, and sorrow merging between two people. I see a spouse lifting up their partner, even when they are having the worst of days. I see two completely different genders taking 55 credit hours a week trying to learn and understand the tendencies and emotions that make the other person tick. I see humility in the successful times, and I see a burning fire of faith, hope, and love, that cannot be put out in the worst of times. I see a lifestyle and culture that passes down to the next generation without having to use words. I see love. I see my parents.

If this is your first blog post that you are reading in this series, I urge you to go start at Day 1 and soak up the wisdom and vulnerability that is written in each post. I am beyond thankful for my mother and her heart to love and care for everyone around her.

(This one was written by our son, Clay.  He and Bailey have been doing this Marriage thing for two and a half years.  We think they are doing it pretty well.  We are learning from them.  Thanks for this, Clay!)

When the Future Can’t Come Fast Enough

Last night I couldn’t sleep. My thoughts were racing, my mind was itching to accomplish something, and fear was bending my reality to its will. It was back again. My new, yet increasingly familiar friend. Anxiety.

I’ve always prided myself on being laid-back, easy-going, and difficult to stress out but something has shifted since Bailey and I have been married. Naturally, all the stakes are higher. The repercussion of failure are higher. I feel a responsibility to provide, support, and have vision for the rest of our lives.

Anyone who’s been in a romantic relationship at any level (dating / engaged / married) knows that dreams for the future are naturally born as you spend time together. As we become one in marriage, our dreams, passions, expectations, God-promises, and hopes begin to morph together as well.

If Bailey and I do anything with excellence, it’s dreaming. I can honestly say that we intentionally fight for each other’s dreams on a regular basis. (Sometimes on a daily basis!) Seriously, speaking to you wives, if you want your husbands to get that look of confidence where they swell up their chests, look out over the world, and let out a few masculine grunts of superiority (sometimes this is metaphorical… but sometimes not) … simply support/push/encourage them to chase their dreams. Gosh I feel great when Bailey tells me that she believes in my music, what I have to say, and my heart.

Ok back on track.. sometimes being so excited about what God has for us in the future leaves us dissatisfied with what our lives look like right now. We have SO MANY THINGS that God has placed on our hearts to do. We want to adopt multiple kids, to give extravagant financial gifts, work with orphanages, to write songs and travel, to see people in wheelchairs get up and be completely healed, to be a part of a culture where spending time in the manifest Presence of God is not only normal but is the highlight on a daily basis for individuals, couples, and friendships.

But, how are we supposed to live selflessly with our finances and give money away extravagantly when we’re pushing hard to pay off student loans? How are we going to see the culture of our relationships and work environments change when we feel like our voices are not valued the way that we would hope? How are we supposed to see the lame walk when we’re praying for headaches and the pain doesn’t disappear?

I’m sure your dreams look different than ours to some capacity, but I know you have them. And I KNOW that we serve a God who loves our dreams, who gives us vision for the future, and establishes these dreams with promises of His faithfulness. AND if you’ve ever been young, newly married, and starting into a new career, you’ve had the thought of “Woah, this is going WAY slower than I expected.” As a married couple, not only do you have to battle through your own miscalculated expectations, you have to do the same for your spouse.

So this is where anxiety loves to say hello. In the midst of all these hopes for the future and promises from God, what if we’re missing it right now? What if we’re not doing enough? What if that time I spent resting was supposed to be developing abilities that I should have by now? What if God had intended for us to have “arrived” by this point? What if…

yadayadayadayada. The list (and the lies) go on and on.

But really.. every great lie is built on just enough truth to help it slip by our defenses.

Every dream and promise from God in our lives DOES to a certain extent require our participation. If I had never picked up a guitar when I felt God leading me to, I would have never been hired as a worship pastor like He promised that I would become. So how do we know if we’re on the right track?

Last night as I was lying in bed I finally got fed up with the cloud over my mind and I got up to worship. 11pm, headphones on, bowing down and dancing through our living room singing “Jesus, Jesus, you make the darkness tremble. Jesus, Jesus, you silence fear.” I noticed once again, that as I fixed my eyes on Jesus simply to adore Him, to love on Him, and declare Him greater, everything else faded away. BUT as soon as I took my eyes off of Him and started thinking about the list of things I could DO to potentially progress our lives, my anxiety returned. For probably the million(th) time, I discovered the solution.

When the future can’t come fast enough, whether you’re married, single, divorced, or soon-to-be married, the only solution is the Presence. I’m not talking about individual times of worship or prayer, I’m saying that minute-by-minute walking with Jesus and valuing His presence above everything else is the ONLY way to balance building our dreams with waiting on God’s timing. When daily obedience and valuing His voice is number one, our timing will be right just as His timing is right. Our goals will be right just as His goals for us are right. Our ability to support our spouses’ dreams will be beautiful just as He beautifully supports our dreams.

It comes back to this. God is more interested in our connection with Him than our accomplishments. When I get bored, impatient, scared of the future, or anxious, and I try to run out and accomplish my “destiny” right now, I always end up exhausted, frustrated, and limping back to the Father, saying,

“But dad, I thought this was my mission. I thought this is what you made me to do.”

“Clay,” he always replies “I didn’t create you to accomplish a mission or a dream for me. I created you to do this WITH me.”

In seasons of both slow personal growth and slow growth as a couple, delight yourself in the Lord. Ask Him what He is developing in your life, in your marriage, in your character, and then ask Him how you can partner with what He’s doing. Repent of any laziness or running you’ve done from the calls on your life. Don’t stop dreaming with your spouse. Throw away the “what-if” questions. Hold on to promises over your life. And, in the words of my man Joel Embiid and the Philadelphia 76ers, “Trust the process.”

My mom asked me to write a short post… so I wrote a long one. Sorry mom!  Love ya!

-Clay O.

1. Also, Proverbs 3:5-6 really relates to this.

pss. That proverb was in honor of Steve Orander.