Steve is a restorer.  When we first started dating, he was restoring old cars.  He and his dad, or brother, or his friend Jon would buy these old junk cars, strip them down to the bare bones, and build them back up again.   Till they looked like new.  Completely restored.

When I would look at these pieces of jun… uh, scrap metal,  I couldn’t believe they would want to start working on THAT!  But I didn’t see what they saw.    They could look at that old rusted, wrecked, beaten-up-beyond-recognition shell and see what it could be.  Why?  Because they knew what it was originally!!  They knew the beautiful car it used to be in its original form, its original design, its intended beauty!  And they knew nothing was beyond repair;  it could be restored!

Some of you out there feel like those old rusted cars.   You feel worn down, broken down, and beaten down beyond recognition;  like you barely remember that innocent young girl you used to be, or that energetic young man you once were.  It’s just a vague memory now.  You used to be so full of hope, so excited for the future, so confident…  but then the road of life took some unexpected turns.  Maybe you, yourself, took those turns and still beat yourself up for being so stupid.  Maybe you let someone else drive and they turned out to be untrustworthy, wrecking you and your life beyond recognition.  And now you live daily out of a junk-yard of life, feeling scarred and marred and thrown away and forgotten.

But today we want to tell you – there is a Restorer who sees you.  And he looks at you with such eyes of love and hope and expectancy…. because he KNOWS who you were originally designed to be!  He sees the real you!  Under all the yuck and brokenness of life, he sees the YOU that HE created, and knows all the original designs and plans he has for your life!  He knows what happened.  He was there during the tragic wreck, the painful aftermath, and the slow decomposing.   He has never left you nor taken his eyes off of you.   And today, HE is the one speaking to you now and saying, “Come to ME.  You, who are weary and broken down… and I will give you rest.  I will RESTORE  you and your soul.  And you can be made new again . . .”

Jesus is saying to you right now,  “Are you weary, carrying a heavy burden?  Then come to me.  I will refresh your life, for I am your oasis.  Simply join your life with mine…” Matthew 11: 28

“Now, if anyone is enfolded into Christ, he has become an entirely new person.   All that is related to the old order has vanished.  Behold, everything is fresh and new.   And God has made all things new . . .”     2 Corinthians 5: 17-18 TPT

If this is resonating with you, if your heart is beating a little faster, or the tears are forming in your eyes, that’s Him.  He’s lovingly calling you.  He wants you to know it’s true:   it’s never too late.   Nothing is too hard for Him.   The God who created you is able to restore you.  Stop reading and just turn to Him.  Pray something simple like, “Jesus, I need you. I want to join my broken down life with your healing life.  Forgive me for the wrong turns I made.  I come to you now and ask you to come in and restore me to the real me you created me to be…. to be like you.  I want to travel your road with you, your way.  Thank you for forgiving me, for cleansing me, for making me new and giving me a new start with you. ”      

If this sounds good, but maybe too good to be true – at least for you, keep reading.

Two years ago, we bought an old lake house.  Not just any cottage on a lake, this was the same lake house my Grandparents had owned when I was growing up.   My family and I have years of memories of the loving place my grandparents created from a cinder-block shack into a warm and cozy and adorable lake house.  Steve and I had been there multiple times during our dating years and even the first few years of marriage.  My grandfather sold it …nearly 30 years ago!!   The next two owners made some changes, started some projects but didn’t finish, let it fall into disrepair, cut down the beautiful trees, painted it ugly pink (yes, a lovely mauve), and forgot to do any weeding (like for years…), which would have driven my grandparents crazy……

Now, it was back on the market and my man had that restoring itch again.   I said, “Honey, I don’t even want it ’cause it looks NOTHING like I remember it!  It’s ugly, broken down, needs SO much work, and … We can never get back those 90 year old oak trees…”  But he smiled and said, “Lor!  We can fix it up!   We can restore it to the original design that your Grandparents had!  We can bring it back in to the family and make it beautiful again!  We can even plant some trees…..”

And so we did.  When we started, I was so overwhelmed.  I would look at the mess and wonder, “Where do we start?  This is going to take FOREVER!   Is it even worth it?”  And he was so excited.   He just jumped in.  “Start here, Lor…  Let’s do the outside while the weather is good…  Then we’ll start on this room…  then…”  And so I turned off my brain and just followed.   We took one day at a time,  one week at a time,  one project at a time.  I learned that the heart and mind of a Restorer could see the finished product, could see the steps necessary to get there, and could patiently take one step at a time.    This was so good for me, the girl who wants everything to look nice…  like now.  There were moments when I would walk into a room, and get so overwhelmed, I could hardy breathe…  like, why did you pile up all that junk on top of the bed?  Do you know how much old dirt there is in all that?  Shouldn’t you be wearing a mask as we pull out all the old insulation?  How can you work in such MESS?   Couldn’t we just organize the piles, or at least clean up this area before we….”     And he would patiently tell me,  “Lor, we have to make a mess before it can look good again.  We have to tear out this old yuck before we can put in the new.  We want to put in good insulation, strengthen the foundation, and do the yucky work behind the scenes that no one will see…. before we can begin to paint, and decorate, and enjoy it.   But we WILL!  We will get there! Remember what it used to be!  We can restore it! ”

And so we began.  I learned about the word PROCESS.  I realized that if I just focused on the task in front of me, fixing one thing at a time, painting one trim piece at a time, hammering one nail at a time…  and sticking with it, I began to see progress!  I started to feel hopeful, like maybe this WAS possible.   We had some set-backs.  Some repairs didn’t work out, and we had to try something different.  Some things we couldn’t keep and had to let go.  But we kept going.  We didn’t give up.   And nine months later, we had done it!  We invited the family to come and celebrate!  We sat on our new deck, looked out on the lake, and took a deep breath.  We could just enjoy.   Yes, there was still some work to be done, there always would be things to repair and improvements to be made,  but we were filled with joy!   We had come so far, restoration was happening, and it had been worth it!!!

Marriage can be like this.  Sometimes a marriage needs restoration.  Sometimes our marriages can feel so far gone, so overgrown with years of neglect, that it feels overwhelming.  Like, you wouldn’t even know where to start.  But here’s the good news:  There is a Restorer who remembers the plans and purposes He has for your marriage!  He see all you have been through, he knows how hard it has been, but he has not given up on you!  He knows that even the most hopeless marriages can be restored, it can be made beautiful again.   Yes, even yours.  It will be a process;  it will not be easy, but with Him leading the way, it can be done!

Grace is a powerful word:  it can be defined as the undeserved favor of God.  It is also the empowering of God.  The grace of God says that no matter what you’ve done, or whose fault it is that you are where you are now, there is forgiveness because Jesus took the blame and the consequences and paid the price so that you could stop making your spouse pay.  Or making yourself pay.   Somebody has paid.  Jesus paid it all.  And now?  There is help available to all of us – ESPECIALLY those of us who don’t deserve it.  God’s love is so faithful and His grace is so real that He will actually ENABLE you to do things you cannot possibly do without Him.  He can empower you to love and forgive even those who don’t deserve it, because that’s the way He has forgiven you.  Restoration starts with forgiveness. Getting out the old junk so He can begin building anew.

You have already started!   If you read the above and prayed that prayer, or if you were simply reminded that God can cleanse and forgive EACH ONE of us – no matter what- then you are already halfway there!   Most marriage problems are not marriage problems, but heart problems:  each of us must stop pointing the finger at the other and take a good look at the condition of our OWN hearts.  When we begin to deal with the stuff in our OWN lives, and ask God to make US new, clean, forgiven, then we are getting somewhere!  When we can join our lives with God’s life, ask Him for His heart and His power to forgive our spouse, to move towards our spouse again, to ask our spouse to forgive us for OUR part…. then we are on the road to restoration.   It must start with owning our part, working with God on our own part, and letting God change our hearts.  Pray.   Then pray some more.   Prayer is a two way conversation, so listen and let Him speak to you as well.  He will!  He loves to answer when we wait and listen for Him!

Next?  None of this can be done in isolation.  God designed us to be in his family, to live life with others and help each other.   The next step in restoration is to reach out and ask for help.   First for you, yourself.   Then for you and your marriage.    Maybe a pastor, maybe a counselor, maybe just some trusted friends who will pray with you and walk this road with you.   Then ask your spouse to do the same.  To go with you.   Keep praying.  And pray some more.  For you.   For your spouse.   Restoration starts by embracing the process.  By asking for help.  Is it easy?  No.  But it’s harder to stay where you are.  And it is worth it.

GOOD NEWS:  God is the Great Restorer, and He wants this even more than you do!  Nothing is too hard for Him when we surrender to His ways and His love  and His process.  No marriage is too far gone.  There IS hope.  For you.   For your friends you love.  God sees and knows it all, and He knows the original designs He had for you and your marriage!  He sees right now how great it can be!  He wants to give you eyes to see it, too!  He wants you to believe in your marriage again!   To come to him together, and trust Him to begin the restoration process.  One step at a time.  One month at a time.  Hold hands if you can.  Restoration is a process.   But it is a beautiful process!   And your marriage is worth it!

Take a deep breath!   Dare to pray and believe it today!  And listen to this song:

Now, if anyone is enfolded into Christ, he has become an entirely new person.   All that is related to the old order has vanished.  Behold, everything is fresh and new.   And God has made all things new . . .”     2 Corinthians 5: 17-18 TPT

We are in a new season . . . again.   That’s the thing about seasons.  They keep changing!  Just about the time you start to manage one, really get a handle on it, it changes again.  And when you have kids, well, that’s a whole mess of seasons in itself!   This most recent season, Steve has started a new job which requires a bit more travel.  I am eternally grateful that he turned down many of these kinds of positions in the past, so that he could be present during our boys’ growing up years and so that we could live close to our families.  But in this stage of life, we both agreed God had opened up this job for him and that travel in this season could be just fine;  especially since I can go with him sometimes!So on our first ‘work trip’ recently, we gave this new adventure a whirl – together!  I am seriously grateful for the flexibility in my schedule to be able to join him sometimes, and still happy after all these 30 years that he still wants me to!   Other than the ungodly early hour of our flight out, (did we mention one of us is a morning person and the other is definitely not…?), we were having a great trip!   I had brought my computer and was able to do some writing, some editing on a bible study I’m writing, and some long hours of focus while he went into the local office and did his thing.  How fun!!   I knew he would be putting in long days, but I was also learning about the rhythms that help me write, and so was happy for the uninterrupted time!  When he got back to the hotel, we found a cute restaurant we could walk to, and caught up on each others’ days.  He shared that there were some reports he needed to finish typing up that night that would put him behind, and I appreciated him communicating expecations so clearly.   Yes, after 30 years, by golly, I think we’ve got this thing down!!Until evening three.  The first two evenings, he had communicated clearly that he was swamped, and so I was content just sitting next to him on our comfy hotel bed and just being together, though doing separate things.   I was even PROUD of myself for being such an “understanding” wife that I didn’t complain a bit that he needed to work till nearly midnight.  So when evening three came around, I was under the ASSUMPTION that he would be caught up and we could be together without any extra work.  Looking back on the capitalized words in this paragraph, I should have known these two words, Proud and Assumption, would lead me to a fall….  but I didn’t see it coming.He opened up his computer, I assumed for a brief closing up of the day;  he saw me open mine and do some online bargain shopping, assuming all was well.  An hour in, I finally put my head on his shoulder, and asked with the sweetest and most innocent voice, “Almost done?”   To which he kind of grunted in frustration, and continued working. Hmm.  Not the answer I was hoping for.   Another hour in, and now my thoughts and expectations and emotions were like a down-hill locomotive, speeding out of control.  Hadn’t I been beyond understanding the first two nights?  I had been so supportive and wanted to hear what he was working on and really had been praying for specifics for him…   Seriously, we’re going to work late three nights in a row?  Why had I even come?  And I did it.  I pulled the classic “turn my light out, roll over, heavy sigh, and pull the covers up and over my head.”Now when we recounted this story to one of our current pre-marital couples, I noticed they were on the edge of their seats.   They looked me, then at Steve, and finally one asked, “Well, what did you do?”   And Steve just shook his head, “I didn’t know what to do.  I knew it was a no-win for me at this point, so I patted her on the back gently, said goodnight, and turned out my light.”   At which point the groom-to-be nodded his approval, while the bride-to-be literally gasped.  “OH NO….”      To which the groom-to-be said, “What?  They were together!  Right next to each other!”   And his fiancee’ said, “That’s not together!   Being in the same room does not equal TOGETHER….”Don’t tell ME men and women are not wired differently!  These responses did not have to be taught to these two!   Steve & I laughed, not surprised a bit!  The groom-to-be looked confused, “What could he have done?”   To which Steve asked, “Why don’t you tell us all, dear, what you would have liked me to do at that point?”   (Assume edge of seat positions again…)   “That’s easy,”  I said.   “Three words.   Pursue.  Pursue.   Pursue.   Then maybe apologize  (that seriously curbs so many of these moments), then pursue again.  Young man,”  I finished, “Your girl will ALWAYS want you to pursue her. ”  And turning to my husband of 30 years, I reiterated, “I will ALWAYS want you to pursue me.””But I knew you were mad!  I figured you just wanted some space since you . . .”  “Nope, I wanted you to come after me & ask….”   “But we would have probably argued!  I knew you were already mad….  What is a guy to DO in that scenario?  No one wants to pursue THAT!”    To which I had to concede, “I see that.  You really don’t have a good option at that point.  You’re right.   I should have communicated sooner that I was becoming frustrated….   I had some expectations….”And we continue to work it out.   And we continue to learn.   And we continue to apologize and clarify and ask for forgiveness….  even after 30 years.  Now, some of you are much more mature and quicker on the draw than we have been, I’m sure.  But for the rest of you out there that are possibly resonating with these common marriage moments of muck ….  let us bring some comfort today:   marriage is work.  We fail all the time.  We do marriage mentoring, have tons of experience, love Jesus with all our hearts ….  and we still make a mess of it…  often.I used to think that working on our marriage meant we had this end goal of finally getting it all right.  Now I think God is teaching me that working on our marriage means we are making progress, and the goal should be learning to love each other well in the midst of the mess, along the way, as we go,  as the seasons continue to change….There are no muckless marriages.  There is not a one that reaches perfection.  (If you find one, please read their blog instead of this one….)   But there IS a peace that passes all understanding when we let go of unrealistic expectations and ask God to help us love well.   There are tools we can use to gauge when we are headed off the LOVE road and onto the ENTITLEMENT ramp,  leading to the highway of disappointment and dread.Practical app:  Listening Exercises and Clarifying Questions can help.   Did you know that over 70% of all communication is non-verbal?  Wives, what look is on their face when they say that?  Men, what does your wife’s body language say, in spite of the words coming out of her mouth?   Learning to recognize frustration or offense BEFORE it becomes emotionally charged is huge:   Example:  if Steve had taken note of the ‘head on the shoulder’ communication, he admits, he could have stopped and listened and then communicated how much longer (along with the assurance that he hated it that he had to work so late…).  And Girls, we are not powerless, and personally, I think we need to quit playing the victim game:  when Steve clearly did not  ‘get it’ that I was wanting his attention, I am a big girl.   I could have said something like, “Honey.  Can you take a break for a minute?  I am feeling frustrated, and need to talk it out…”In a text-book scenario, Steve could have stopped, turned toward me, and looked me in the eye.  “Sorry,  what did you say?”   And I could have asked again, “Will you have to work much longer?  I had thought we could get some time together tonight.”Enter the Clarifying Question: Steve could have responded, “OK.  I hear you saying that you are frustrated that I’m having to work so much.  You thought I wouldn’t have paper-work tonight, and wish I could be more present.   Is that right?”   “Yes, that’s what I’m saying.”    (pause here:   just taking the time to clarify and speak back to the other person what you hear they are saying makes the other feel HEARD.   Just feeling HEARD brings a connection that helps prevent so many arguments.   It is so worth it to look the other person in the eye and clarify what you hear them saying  BEFORE answering or making excuses or defending yourself…  not that I’ve ever done that…)Again, a clarifying question helps the other person feel heard and understood.  Then the ‘offended’ one needs to allow the other to speak to the question, without offense!  “Sorry.  I am just so far behind.  I apologize that I am not very present.  Can you stay awake 10 more minutes, and then … we can go get ice cream?  Or talk?”   And the original speaker needs to have grace and meet half way, and understand that sometimes we don’t get our way!   This takes some intentional effort by both parties.   Wanna practice?DO this Together:  come up with a current issue you are working through or a decision that needs to be made that you don’t necessarily agree on.  Take turns:  Person 1 states how you see it and feel about it.    Person 2 begins with, “Ok.  What I hear you saying is ….    Is that right?”   To which person 1 agrees or clarifies more until he/she feels heard and understood.    THEN Person 2 can state how THEY feel or see the situation.  Person 1 now asks the Clarifying Question, “I hear you saying . . .  Is that accurate?”  After both parties feel heard and understood, then KIND discussion can happen around ways to compromise or come to an agreement that hears both, but brings some closure.  Whatever the outcome, focus on listening well and loving well.Ready?   Yes, seriously,  now is a good time.  Try the above, and begin to practice this kind of communication in place of letting frustrations mount and emotions rise!  We have found it to be helpful…  when we remember to actually practice and do it!  Try it now!Take away?  Guys:  your girl really does want you to pursue her;  and being together is more than just sharing space to her!    Girls:  we need to stop having so many emotional reactions that we actually discourage our guys from pursuing us!~   If we can’t have real conversations without getting angry or defensive or accusatory, our guys WILL stop pursuing.   Girls, let’s start.   Let’s tell our guys we are wanting to hear more of what they are thinking and saying before we get emotional.  We need to offer them grace and space to speak and pursue.    And guys, no matter the season, the majority of us girls are pretty simple in at least one area:   pursue, pursue,  pursue.   Ask, ask, ask. And listen. When both of us can do that?    Well, we can weather most any season!

We are in a new season . . . again.   That’s the thing about seasons.  They keep changing!  Just about the time you start to manage one, really get a handle on it, it changes again.  And when you have kids, well, that’s a whole mess of seasons in itself!   This most recent season, Steve has started a new job which requires a bit more travel.  I am eternally grateful that he turned down many of these kinds of positions in the past, so that he could be present during our boys’ growing up years and so that we could live close to our families.  But in this stage of life, we both agreed God had opened up this job for him and that travel in this season could be just fine;  especially since I can go with him sometimes!

So on our first ‘work trip’ recently, we gave this new adventure a whirl – together!  I am seriously grateful for the flexibility in my schedule to be able to join him sometimes, and still happy after all these 30 years that he still wants me to!   Other than the ungodly early hour of our flight out, (did we mention one of us is a morning person and the other is definitely not…?), we were having a great trip!   I had brought my computer and was able to do some writing, some editing on a bible study I’m writing, and some long hours of focus while he went into the local office and did his thing.  How fun!!   I knew he would be putting in long days, but I was also learning about the rhythms that help me write, and so was happy for the uninterrupted time!  When he got back to the hotel, we found a cute restaurant we could walk to, and caught up on each others’ days.  He shared that there were some reports he needed to finish typing up that night that would put him behind, and I appreciated him communicating expecations so clearly.   Yes, after 30 years, by golly, I think we’ve got this thing down!!

Until evening three.  The first two evenings, he had communicated clearly that he was swamped, and so I was content just sitting next to him on our comfy hotel bed and just being together, though doing separate things.   I was even PROUD of myself for being such an “understanding” wife that I didn’t complain a bit that he needed to work till nearly midnight.  So when evening three came around, I was under the ASSUMPTION that he would be caught up and we could be together without any extra work.  Looking back on the capitalized words in this paragraph, I should have known these two words, Proud and Assumption, would lead me to a fall….  but I didn’t see it coming.

He opened up his computer, I assumed for a brief closing up of the day;  he saw me open mine and do some online bargain shopping, assuming all was well.  An hour in, I finally put my head on his shoulder, and asked with the sweetest and most innocent voice, “Almost done?”   To which he kind of grunted in frustration, and continued working. Hmm.  Not the answer I was hoping for.   Another hour in, and now my thoughts and expectations and emotions were like a down-hill locomotive, speeding out of control.  Hadn’t I been beyond understanding the first two nights?  I had been so supportive and wanted to hear what he was working on and really had been praying for specifics for him…   Seriously, we’re going to work late three nights in a row?  Why had I even come?  And I did it.  I pulled the classic “turn my light out, roll over, heavy sigh, and pull the covers up and over my head.”

Now when we recounted this story to one of our current pre-marital couples, I noticed they were on the edge of their seats.   They looked me, then at Steve, and finally one asked, “Well, what did you do?”   And Steve just shook his head, “I didn’t know what to do.  I knew it was a no-win for me at this point, so I patted her on the back gently, said goodnight, and turned out my light.”   At which point the groom-to-be nodded his approval, while the bride-to-be literally gasped.  “OH NO….”      To which the groom-to-be said, “What?  They were together!  Right next to each other!”   And his fiancee’ said, “That’s not together!   Being in the same room does not equal TOGETHER….”

Don’t tell ME men and women are not wired differently!  These responses did not have to be taught to these two!   Steve & I laughed, not surprised a bit!  The groom-to-be looked confused, “What could he have done?”   To which Steve asked, “Why don’t you tell us all, dear, what you would have liked me to do at that point?”   (Assume edge of seat positions again…)   “That’s easy,”  I said.   “Three words.   Pursue.  Pursue.   Pursue.   Then maybe apologize  (that seriously curbs so many of these moments), then pursue again.  Young man,”  I finished, “Your girl will ALWAYS want you to pursue her. ”  And turning to my husband of 30 years, I reiterated, “I will ALWAYS want you to pursue me.”

“But I knew you were mad!  I figured you just wanted some space since you . . .”  “Nope, I wanted you to come after me & ask….”   “But we would have probably argued!  I knew you were already mad….  What is a guy to DO in that scenario?  No one wants to pursue THAT!”    To which I had to concede, “I see that.  You really don’t have a good option at that point.  You’re right.   I should have communicated sooner that I was becoming frustrated….   I had some expectations….”

And we continue to work it out.   And we continue to learn.   And we continue to apologize and clarify and ask for forgiveness….  even after 30 years.  Now, some of you are much more mature and quicker on the draw than we have been, I’m sure.  But for the rest of you out there that are possibly resonating with these common marriage moments of muck ….  let us bring some comfort today:   marriage is work.  We fail all the time.  We do marriage mentoring, have tons of experience, love Jesus with all our hearts ….  and we still make a mess of it…  often.

I used to think that working on our marriage meant we had this end goal of finally getting it all right.  Now I think God is teaching me that working on our marriage means we are making progress, and the goal should be learning to love each other well in the midst of the mess, along the way, as we go,  as the seasons continue to change….

There are no muckless marriages.  There is not a one that reaches perfection.  (If you find one, please read their blog instead of this one….)   But there IS a peace that passes all understanding when we let go of unrealistic expectations and ask God to help us love well.   There are tools we can use to gauge when we are headed off the LOVE road and onto the ENTITLEMENT ramp,  leading to the highway of disappointment and dread.

Practical app:  Listening Exercises and Clarifying Questions can help.   Did you know that over 70% of all communication is non-verbal?  Wives, what look is on their face when they say that?  Men, what does your wife’s body language say, in spite of the words coming out of her mouth?   Learning to recognize frustration or offense BEFORE it becomes emotionally charged is huge:   Example:  if Steve had taken note of the ‘head on the shoulder’ communication, he admits, he could have stopped and listened and then communicated how much longer (along with the assurance that he hated it that he had to work so late…).  And Girls, we are not powerless, and personally, I think we need to quit playing the victim game:  when Steve clearly did not  ‘get it’ that I was wanting his attention, I am a big girl.   I could have said something like, “Honey.  Can you take a break for a minute?  I am feeling frustrated, and need to talk it out…”

In a text-book scenario, Steve could have stopped, turned toward me, and looked me in the eye.  “Sorry,  what did you say?”   And I could have asked again, “Will you have to work much longer?  I had thought we could get some time together tonight.”

Enter the Clarifying Question: Steve could have responded, “OK.  I hear you saying that you are frustrated that I’m having to work so much.  You thought I wouldn’t have paper-work tonight, and wish I could be more present.   Is that right?”   “Yes, that’s what I’m saying.”    (pause here:   just taking the time to clarify and speak back to the other person what you hear they are saying makes the other feel HEARD.   Just feeling HEARD brings a connection that helps prevent so many arguments.   It is so worth it to look the other person in the eye and clarify what you hear them saying  BEFORE answering or making excuses or defending yourself…  not that I’ve ever done that…)

Again, a clarifying question helps the other person feel heard and understood.  Then the ‘offended’ one needs to allow the other to speak to the question, without offense!  “Sorry.  I am just so far behind.  I apologize that I am not very present.  Can you stay awake 10 more minutes, and then … we can go get ice cream?  Or talk?”   And the original speaker needs to have grace and meet half way, and understand that sometimes we don’t get our way!   This takes some intentional effort by both parties.   Wanna practice?

DO this Together:  come up with a current issue you are working through or a decision that needs to be made that you don’t necessarily agree on.  Take turns:  Person 1 states how you see it and feel about it.    Person 2 begins with, “Ok.  What I hear you saying is ….    Is that right?”   To which person 1 agrees or clarifies more until he/she feels heard and understood.    THEN Person 2 can state how THEY feel or see the situation.  Person 1 now asks the Clarifying Question, “I hear you saying . . .  Is that accurate?”  After both parties feel heard and understood, then KIND discussion can happen around ways to compromise or come to an agreement that hears both, but brings some closure.  Whatever the outcome, focus on listening well and loving well.

Ready?   Yes, seriously,  now is a good time.  Try the above, and begin to practice this kind of communication in place of letting frustrations mount and emotions rise!  We have found it to be helpful…  when we remember to actually practice and do it!  Try it now!

Take away?  Guys:  your girl really does want you to pursue her;  and being together is more than just sharing space to her!    Girls:  we need to stop having so many emotional reactions that we actually discourage our guys from pursuing us!~   If we can’t have real conversations without getting angry or defensive or accusatory, our guys WILL stop pursuing.   Girls, let’s start.   Let’s tell our guys we are wanting to hear more of what they are thinking and saying before we get emotional.  We need to offer them grace and space to speak and pursue.    And guys, no matter the season, the majority of us girls are pretty simple in at least one area:   pursue, pursue,  pursue.   Ask, ask, ask. And listen. When both of us can do that?    Well, we can weather most any season!

We grew up together.   His family moved to our town of Muncie when Steve was in 5th grade and I was in 4th, as his dad answered the call to become pastor of our church.  (Yes, PK.  Explains a lot.  I know….)   My dad was on the search committee that invited Steve’s dad to come be our pastor, so both of our fathers take credit for our coming together!  Honestly, I thought he was a bratty preacher’s kid who never took anything seriously, and he thought I was a bit puffed up and too good to come to youth group every week;  who wants to play all those childish games? . . . But then we became friends!   We actually became great friends all through high school, hung out at both church & school, and often fixed each other up on dates with our friends.  He would talk to me about the girl he was dating, and I would confide in him about the guy I was seeing from another school.  We even went on double dates together….  as in,  not with each other!   LOL.    The day after he graduated from high school (I was a much younger junior), he and the girl he was dating, who was a good friend of mine,  and a guy I was friends with and I all went to Kings Island for the day to celebrate!   I remember thinking that day how much fun we had and how we never ran out of things to talk about as we stood in the hot sun waiting in line for the Beast….

He went to Ball State (just down the road).  It took us about another 8 months to realize that maybe the reason we kept wanting to ‘double date’ and hang out was because we were maybe more than friends??  Maybe??    But it was a risk.  What if we decided to date, and it didn’t work out…  would we lose a great friendship?  We decided to risk it;  and the rest, as they say, is history.   I finished my last 3 month of high school, and the day after graduation I moved to Cedar Point to start my first job in live shows.  Even after just 3 months of dating, it was hard to move 5 hours away from each other, so we decided we should probably ‘date around’ and not be tied down for those 3 months.

That lasted about 3 weeks.  By the second time he came to visit, I was so excited he was coming that I  broke a date with a guy who had bought concert tickets to take me to see The Imperials, one of my favorite groups.  When I realized I would turn THAT down to spend time with Steve,  well, that’s when a girl just knows….

I followed him to Ball State.   Luckily my two best friends and I had made the cuts for University Singers, which we were excited about, and it was a good excuse to go to school down the road from my house …. you know,  ’cause you never want to make a college decision based on a boy!!     (We dated all that school year.)

But then:  We broke up.   We had been dating almost a year, and a lot had changed in that year…. a lot of growing up and learning new things and discovering ….  wow, there are a lot of cool people to meet at college.  And I wondered why that cute guitar player in U.Singers kept smiling at me…. and I began to think.  “Hmmm.  Maybe we should take a break; I haven’t really spent time with any other ‘college’ guys…  you know, there are a LOT of them.  I think that guitar player believes in Jesus… ”

And so we had a conversation one night in my dorm room, we decided it was for the best, and we decided to break up.   I will never forget watching him walk out my door…

COMPARISON:  It is a dangerous trap, a real relationship-killer.   When Steve & I were spending time together, it was great.  But when I started looking around at other options, it just made me wonder?   What if?    Would it be better?  How would I know?  Were we missing out on the one God had for us by sticking with our high school sweethearts?

Comparison is also a marriage killer.  Home wrecker.  Peace stealer.  Anxiety producer.  We do just fine the first few years of marriage, maybe more, but at some point we realize that those irritations we thought would go away when we got married, actually increased.  We start noticing those happy couples on Facebook and Instagram, and how they seem to look at each other and have so many happy pictures…..  and here it comes.  Comparison.  And that ‘ol Deceiver whispers, ‘Don”t you wish you had that?  Didn’t you think your marriage would be like that when you got married?   Maybe you married the wrong….” And we listen and we consider, and we have to agree, “It’s true, we don’t have pictures like that….  maybe…..”  And in comes the Spirit of Comparison, happily making himself at home and ready to enlighten you to all the other areas of your life where you fall short and wish you could be more like…..

And for us girls, this spirit’s voice becomes louder and louder in every area of our lives:  “It’s probably because she’s so pretty….  No wonder a guy like that would marry someone like her…  How does she stay so thin?   I could never wear my hair that way… but she looks so young….  I’m just not good enough,  sophisticated enough, accomplished enough,” and the Liar is having a field day – or year- with our thought life.

GUYS:  I’m not sure how this works for you exactly, but it probably would be helpful for you to HEAR that nearly all the women I know have to battle against this Comparison spirit, and most have conversations in their heads like the one above.  Maybe daily.   The good news is, if you KNOW this, you can be her number one advocate in helping her battle these lies and comparisons from the enemy.    This is why words of affirmation and acts of romance and ANYTHING YOU CAN DO TO TELL HER SHE IS YOUR SPECIAL GIRL, and you are so glad you married her…..  (and you do this consistently, not just once a year,)  –    (pause here, in case any of you gentlemen want to write down those last few sentences.  Like, seriously, if you were to implement THAT, you would see miracles in your girl….maybe use your phone, take a picture,  make it your screen saver…  I’m talking miracles. . . .)

When a husband does those things, it will usually silence those lies in a heartbeat.  Men, the power you have to help defeat the enemy in your wife’s life is ENORMOUS!!   BE her Braveheart!  BE her encourager and advocate, and speak words that will build her up and let her know how beautiful she is to you!   This is real stuff, men, and while you are not responsible for your wife’s choices or her ability to receive it,   most women I know will thrive when you love her and affirm her consistently this way!    (Seriously, I may rent a billboard… this could change marriages across the world….  I don’t think you guys have any idea …)

Men, I know the comparison demon comes to haunt you as well.   And I probably don’t get it completely, but I can tell you this:  I’ve watched my husband for over 30 years.  Every time the other guy got the promotion, or the other Rep made more sales, or he lost another deal to that same competitor…  I watched him quietly battle, humble himself in his own prayer closet, and surrender his pride to the Lord.   I have seen him intentionally call ‘the other guy’ and congratulate him on his success.  I have seen him choose to celebrate others and sincerely work to make others great.  I have seen him, in one of the most competitive careers out there, work hard and compete hard and win often, but at the end of the day, realize that none of it defines who he is.   I have watched him win the battle of Comparison by choosing to humbly pour into others and promote others and celebrate others, and I’ve seen the Spirit of God activated by these intentional choices until it truly became who he is.   He truly loves seeing others succeed.  I love this about him more than words.  I admire it, because I am so far from being there.  I want to be more like him, and I ask God to give me that sincerity of heart and contentment in my identity as a child of God so that I could win at this comparison battle as well.

I think that’s truly it:  we get to choose.   Will we fix our minds and thoughts and hours on seeing how OTHERS are doing things, and how successful they portray themselves?  Or will we choose to be filled with the peace and love of Jesus enough to know that we are already beautiful and successful IN HIM?!   We are already accomplished and perfect in our spirit!  The real you is not flesh and blood, but the heart, soul, and spirit that is deeply loved and already raised with Him into the Kingdom realm.   What will we meditate on, fix our thoughts on, and think about throughout our days?

“So keep your thoughts continually fixed on all that is authentic and real, honorable and admirable, beautiful and respectful, pure and holy, merciful and kind.  And fasten your thoughts on every glorious work of God, praising him always.”  Philippians 4: 8 

Let’s awaken today to the slippery slope and danger of comparison, and intentionally reject that lying spirit by choosing to let Holy Spirit renew our minds with gratitude, kindness, and truth instead. And may we look for ways to rejoice in others’ victories and cheer them on to greatness, while remembering they probably battle the same comparison game that we do!

“So wherever jealousy and selfishness are uncovered, you will also find many troubles and every kind of meanness.  But the wisdom from above is always pure, filled with peace, considerate, and teachable… ”  James 3: 17  TPT

Oh, and that day that we broke up?  And Steve walked out my door?   I started to get this really sick feeling in my stomach as I realized what we had done!  I ran for the door, determined to chase him down,  and bumped into him on his way back in.   That was our longest break-up.   It lasted less than 3 minutes.

My friend Charis screamed, “Haven!  No!”  Her three year old little girl was pushing against the broken gate at the top of the stairs that led down to the basement.  Charis ran from the other side of the room, sure that Haven was about to go tumbling down the stairs, when 5-year-old Cade suddenly appeared and grabbed hold of his baby sister, rescuing her from a certain fall.   As Cade pulled her away to safety, and the two went off to happily play, Charis said, “Thank you, Cade, you like saved your little sister’s life!”

“It’s what gentlemen doos, Mom….”  and off he went.

Cade is going to make a great husband one day!  His parents are teaching him at a very young age “what gentlemen doos.”  And knowing this special young family, they are also teaching their daughters “what young ladies doos”, too, and preparing their young hearts to one day be beautiful wives.

Steve and I are convinced:  the best marriages start when you are little!!   At a very young age, children become very aware that ‘mommy and daddy are married’, even before they read any blogs on marriage!   Then they want to know who THEY can marry!  “Can I marry Daddy, too?” ask many little girls?   They begin to see something they know they want, or will want some day.

Parents!  This is just a little reminder today that the more you pour into your marriage today, the better chances your kids have of happy marriages in the future!

Speak Identity:  Call out your sons to be the amazing young men that God created them to be!  CHEER as they show those biceps, wrestle dad the lion, and become true gentlemen who give up their seats, open car doors, and protect the ladies from all harm!  TELL them that they are sons of their Father God, created to be strong and honorable … like dad!  That one day they, too, will have a wife to provide for and keep safe in the storms!  And that you are so proud of them for who they are.

Call out your daughters to be the kind young ladies that God designed them to be!  Marvel at their beauty, and even more at their thoughtfulness!  Tell them over and over how you saw that gracious act, that way they nurtured their sister, and the sweet ways they loved their daddy.  Tell them they will one day make the most beautiful brides as they too will fall in love and marry a handsome man, and be a mommy, and do amazing works for God in the world!

Parents you are casting vision and prophesying their futures with every word you speak over them.  Though make believe and dress up will always be fun parts of being a child, today’s kids need their parents to speak true identities over them!  (And some of the neighbors’ kids will need it from you, too!)   Teach them God’s design and plan for them, for marriage, and for families from day one.

Model well:  The way you love and respect one another now is being seared into little minds of those who will need to love and respect one day.   Girls, the way you talk to your husbands now will be mimicked by your daughters to their husbands one day.  Guys, the ways you serve and care for your wife’s needs above your own will create honorable young men who grow into husbands who will do the same.

Foundation is key:  When our boys were little, we tried to take a little couples’ get-away 3-4 times a year.  It didn’t matter if we went to a state park or to a hotel in downtown Indy; the point was to get-away without the kids, to focus on each other, and refresh the bonds of marriage often.   This not only strengthened our marriage during those busy years, it was also modeling to our kids that mom and dad have a special relationship that they invest in and make time for and need to treat as special.  It helped that the ‘grandparents’ were willing and gracious to help us with these;  but even if you don’t have that option, find other couples early on whom you can switch out with, taking care of the kids for each other.

Honestly, the most loving thing you can do for your kids is to love each other well.  The healthiest thing you can do to insure their hearts are secure is to invest in the foundation of your marriage.  Kids can tell when things are not right between mom and dad, and their greatest fear is that it won’t be made right.  The more you can authentically ‘make it right’ with your spouse and assure the kids that mommy and daddy love each other very much, and that you’re not going anywhere, the more stable your little ones will be.  So instead of thinking you need to stay home and be with your kids all the time, show them that date nights and special mommy/daddy times will always be your priority.

Cast Vision:  When you speak over them about marriage some day, also cast vision for true dating:    When our guys were young, we encouraged them, “Someday, when you are older and ready to start thinking of marriage, you will begin to date young ladies whom you might marry.   This is what dating is for.  Until then, you can be friends with ALL the girls and do things in groups and go out and have fun!  Get to know and honor everyone!  You don’t have to have a girlfriend, even if some of your friends do!”

When I hear young moms asking their kindergartners if that cute boy over there is their boyfriend, I want to cringe.  Call me old fashioned, or just call me old, but when we promote boyfriends and girlfriends at such an early age, we are just teaching them to practice heartbreak and breakups and even divorce over and over again.   When I was growing up, my friends and I had one thing on our minds:  who will be my boyfriend?   This one thing seemed to dominate and determine our entire mood for months at a time.  Ugh.  How great to cast vision early, parents, for God’s plans and designs so that they learn to protect their ‘friends’ hearts and honor all instead of choosing some over others.  There are so many GOOD Godly traits to practice as we encourage them to wait and only  date someone who someday could make a good mate.

First Mention:  Talk about everything.  Be shocked by nothing.  At the appropriate time. Be the first to teach them about sexuality, for whomever they hear it from first will be the benchmark by which they weigh new information!  Tell them you always want them to ask you ANY question they may have, and be aware of what they are learning and seeing from friends and school.    Talk about everything.  Make a big deal of nothing.

And don’t even get me started on social media for youngsters……  We found camping trips to be the most refreshing vacations we took with our boys where bicycles and books and bonfires and hiking and football and being together…..  were more important than video games or tv. We do not envy you parents of this generation’s new challenges & the onslaught of media you will have to navigate through, but we will say this:  do not be afraid to be different!  Do not be afraid to go on great adventures, and long walks, and leave the cell phones in a drawer.  (Especially yours.)

The best marriages start with training when they are young!  The most successful future husbands and wives are watching and listening out of little eyes and little ears.  May they see and hear you love each other well.

“We’ve heard true stories from our fathers about our rich heritage,.  We will continue to tell our children and not hide from the rising generation the great marvels of our God – his miracles and power that have brought us all this far.  . . For perpetuity God’s ways will be passed down from one generation to the next, even to those not yet born.  In this way, every generation will have a living faith in the laws of life and will never forget the faithful ways of God.”   Psalm 78: 3-4, 6-7 TPT

The Founder  is a movie about the beginning of McDonalds!  In the movie, two brothers, Mac & Dick McDonald, develop a brand new process in the 1950’s for making quality hamburgers in record-breaking time.  Washed-up salesman, Ray Kroc, (played by Michael Keaton) is impressed with this amazing process we now know as  the first ever ‘fast food’, and he made a deal with the brothers to franchise it.   The brothers were meticulous about their restaurant and process, insuring only the best quality, service, and environment.  Their first McDonalds was a creation of perfection & beauty and ran smoothly as well-trained employees believed in the mission and vision of the brothers.

The problems began when Ray Kroc would sell these franchises to whomever he could get to purchase them.  These ‘investors’ did not know about the original, beautiful design of the McDonald’s creation.   Instead, they hired just about anyone, hurried them through a process similar but not exact, and ended up with…  you guessed it, restaurants so far below the quality of the original design that it made the brothers heartbroken.  The rest of the story is about how Ray eventually cheats the brothers out of any ‘ownership’ stock, and basically takes credit for being ‘the founder’ of McDonalds.  It was heartbreaking.   The brothers end up with basically nothing and Ray becomes a billionaire with all the credit and fame.    As I watched the end of the movie, a righteous indignation rose up within me, “AGH!  It’s not TRUE!!  Ray stole  the brother’s designs!!!

If you read yesterday’s blog, you might have been expecting today’s blog to be about sex.  And here it is!

Sex was created and designed by God!!  He made it beyond AMAZING –  a wedding gift to every married couple to bind them together in the holy covenant of marriage!!  He made it in PERFECTION for ENJOYMENT of a husband and wife as they give of themselves entirely to each other!   In the safe context of marriage, and only there, can sex be the unbelievably beautiful and intimate and joyful gift that God intended it to be!

The problems began when people starting ‘franchising’ and attempting to have this kind of union OUTSIDE the original plans and designs of the One who created it.   The world has been filled with false substitutes and poor replicas of God’s original gift!  The enemy has stolen truly one of God’s most beautiful designs for humankind and cheapened it, slandered it, and marred it beyond recognition.   And as Steve and I are watching what the world is ‘buying’ from this Deceiver, a righteous indignation is rising up within us and wants to shout out to the whole world:   “WAIT!   THAT’S A LIE!  YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT THE ORIGINAL DESIGN IS ALL ABOUT:  IT’S FAR BETTER, IT’S INCOMPARABLE, AND IT IS UNMATCHABLE IN PLEASURE:   it is SEX within MARRIAGE!  And it is not only the best, it is the ONLY fulfilling sex out there!!”

(I know, this is a bit unusual:  sex is not usually compared to McDonalds…  we’re trying here…. YOU try to write a blog on sex… and how would YOU start it?  Just sayin ……)

Seriously!  We are tired of the posers and deceivers being the ones who educate on us sex!  We, the people of God,  the children of the Good Good Father who GAVE us this gift, need to start talking about this:   SEX IS AMAZING – IN MARRIAGE!!!!   We cannot count the numbers of movies or TV Shows out there that imply over and over again that once you get married, sex will be boring or unfulfilling or not existent at all.   Sorry.  Just gotta set the record straight:   IT’S A LIE!!!

ANOTHER LIE:   sex as depicted in the movies, yes even our favorite rom-coms, girls,  is not realistic or true!   It does not happen perfectly the first time, the bells do not always toll, and lovers are not anywhere CLOSE to knowing true intimacy with someone they barely know, much less trust them with their deepest heart.

TRUTH:  Father knows best.   He designed this gift He’s given to us!

“This is Solomon’s song of songs, more wonderful than any other.    Kiss me and kiss me again, for your love is sweeter than wine.  How pleasing is your fragrance;  your name is like the spreading fragrance of scented oils.  No wonder all the young women love you!  Take me with you;  come, let’s run!  The king has brought me into his bedroom.”

Did you know THAT was in the Bible?   (You can check out the whole Song of Solomon!)

“A husband has the responsibility of meeting the sexual needs of his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband.  Neither the husband nor the wife have exclusive rights to their own bodies, but those rights are to be surrendered to the other.  So don’t continue to refuse your spouse those rights, except perhaps by mutual agreement for a specified time so that you can both be devoted to prayer.  And then you should resume your physical pleasure so that the Adversary cannot take advantage of you because of the desires of the body…”   1 Corinthians 7: 3-5

TRUTH:  Sex is only truly satisfying  within marriage, because only then are you in a safe and secure relationship in which you can risk giving your heart away;  here you are sure of the one you are loving because they have proven their commitment through marriage to say, “I am yours.  No matter what.  I am not going anywhere.”   This is the beautiful foundation of true intimacy.   (And why ‘living together’ is not God’s plan…)

TRUTH:  In the same way that you need a first date, then a few dates, and then some time together before you can really get to know someone relationally,  SO TOO do you need a first time, then a few years, and a lot of wonderful practice together before you can really get to know someone physically!    It is a process of discovering each other that continues to grow after 10 , 20, and even 50 years of marriage!   Because God is so good, it really does go from glory to glory!!

TRUTH:  It doesn’t just “happen!”   It does take intentional learning, talking, sharing, and -praise God- practice!  It takes two people getting to know each other and studying the differences between each other and how to bless the other.   It takes two people who focus on pleasing the other, who then find out that they get blessed beyond measure in return when they are selfless in lovemaking!

TRUTH:  It should be filled with joy and laughter and awkward moments and more laughter and more joy and passion and tears of joy and unbelievable pleasure!  It should be like going on an adventure every time, cause the trail will keep turning as the seasons change, and you never know what you will find!!

TRUTH:  Men and women are beautifully and completely DIFFERENT in their needs.  SO different, that only when each puts the others’ needs above their own, can true fulfillment be found.  We think God knew what he was doing!

TRUTH:  God wants us married people to truly enjoy this gift of sex, both of you, and if you are not,  there is HOPE!   We ALL need to keep learning!   Many couples go through seasons of needing help!  And help is so available through counseling, or resources, or even trusted friends.   You are NOT alone!   The ONLY hopeless situations are the ones where we do nothing about it, we tell no one, and we just keep doing what we’ve always done expecting different results…. insanity!   The enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy, as we have been talking about…  and don’t you know this may be his #1 target in your life to steal from:    Why?  Because it is so key to your marriage.   

Hear it again:  if you are married and NOT experiencing growth and joy and true intimacy in sex,  you are not alone, and you can find help.  Pride would have us never tell a soul;   true sons and daughters of God know that when we humble ourselves, God will lift us up and help us and lead us!

We bless your marriage today!   We bless you to enjoy each other in sexual intimacy as husband and wife!   We bless you to start talking about it and keep growing in it, and as Steve often says, practice, practice, practice!  And we bless you to be honest, and take steps to find help, and don’t let the enemy steal from you any longer!   We bless you with joy and laughter and passion and oneness.   And we hope that every time you see a McDonalds, you will remember this blog,  and you’ll want to hurry back home. . .

Suggested Resources:

Love After Marriage   resources, book, classes   https:/www.nothinghidden.com

Love and War   by John and Staci Eldredge

The Sexually Confident Wife   by Shannon Ethridge

Marriage Series Part 3, Michael & Lorissa Miller, UPPERROOM Podcasts – March 11, 2018

Sex is God’s great wedding gift.

God created this wonderful gift for the first man and woman, and every couple since who is joined in a covenant of marriage, having promised “till death do we part.”

God created sex to join a man and a woman together PERMANENTLY, as ONE, a beautiful physical representation of what is also happening spiritually and emotionally – forever.

God designed the body of a man and the body of a woman to fit together perfectly, and to enjoy the deepest of pleasures and joys as they give their entire beings to one another.

What a good Father we have!!      What a gift He has given us!

Therefore, we are to receive it, and enjoy it, and cherish it as holy and sacred – as He is.

“But at the beginning of creation God made them male and female.  ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’  So they are no longer two, but one.  Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”     -Jesus,   Mark 10: 6-9

God has joined a man and a woman together by making them one by His gift of sex.

God also designed sex for the purpose of reproduction.  A seed planted in the ground will result in reproducing the fruit from which the seed came.  Another seed bearing plant will be born.  The seed of a man planted in the fertile soil of a woman’s womb will also reproduce another seed-bearing man or woman, who will grow up to reproduce more…

Therefore, it was God’s intention that the uniting of a man and woman as one in sex will also produce a result, or fruit, reproducing more of their kind.  The spiritual analogies abound.  Jesus taught:

 “I am the Vine, you are the branches.  As you live in union with me as your source, fruitfulness will stream from within you . . . If you live in life-union with me and if my words (seed) live powerfully within you – then you can ask whatever you desire and it will be done.  When your lives bear abundant fruit, you demonstrate that you are my mature disciples who glorify my Father!”        John 15: 5, 7-8 TPT. 

 This helps us understand the analogy from Ephesians 5, when marriage is said to represent the union of Christ and His bride, the church.  (dots starting to connect here?)  Our union with Jesus is also to reproduce others of the ‘Christ-kind’.

The point?   This is serious business!   This is us getting to be a part of something much bigger than ourselves!  This is us married people receiving the great privilege of showing the world Who God is,  how God loves,  and what God’s faithful COVENANT looks like:  through the way we love and become one and remain faithful in marriage.   Through the way we honor each other and reproduce babies and enjoy sex in our marriages.

“Flee sexual immorality.  All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.  Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own;  you were bought at a price.   Therefore, honor God with your body.”  1 Corinthians 6: 18-20

Now that we have been made one with Christ, we are one forever, a part of him, like a head and a body are one person.   Jesus will NEVER separate from us or be unfaithful to us by leaving us.  Our spiritual union with him is to be permanent.

In the same way, the uniting of a man and a woman in sexual union is to make them one:  permanently.  Never to separate.

Therefore, to unite ourselves in a sexual union with ANY other person outside the marriage covenant between a man and a woman, is outside God’s purposes and intentions for sex.  This is what the bible calls sexual immorality.

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure (NIV), for God will judge sexual immorality in any form, whether single or married.”    Hebrews 13: 4 TPT

SINGLE PEOPLE:  Sex is like glue that permanently BONDS.   Picture the man and the woman as two paper plates.  If you GLUE two paper plates together,  and make them one, it is to be permanent.  What happens if, after being glued together, you try and separate the two paper plates?

This is exactly what happens to two people and their hearts when they have sex outside of the marriage covenant and then are pulled apart.  Because the sexual bond was not DESIGNED to be broken, there will be ripping of hearts, much pain, and much brokenness.   Part of the one will always remain or be a part of the other, much like the ripped piece of the paper plate will stick to and remain with the other even as they are ripped apart.   Neither will be whole or healthy now, as they have given part of themselves to the other & cannot get it back.

When God tells us in his word to flee from sexual immorality, (any sex outside of marriage), it is because He loves us so deeply and knows that we will be hurt/ broken.  He knows that a sexual union WILL produce fruit:  and not always good fruit.  Sometimes the fruit will be broken hearts and fractured souls, sometimes disease, and  sometimes pregnancy before a covenant marriage and family are established.

Because our loving God is the Redeemer, and Jesus has purchased our forgiveness, God can enter any scenario at any point along our journeys and redeem:  bring good out of it, IF we begin to trust Him enough to start living our lives in the safety of His ways.  He is always there to begin the healing process when we confess and surrender to Him!  Hear that again:  for those who wish they had heard this message years ago or had made different choices than you did, you can start today!  God is the God of second chances, new beginnings, and can make ANY of us new and pure and holy when we confess (agree with God what is and what was not his best for us) and receive His forgiveness!  He cleanses ALL of us from ALL unrighteousness! See I John 1: 9

But Singles, our hope in this particular blog is to cast such a vision for the TRUTH and REAL PURPOSES for God’s wonderful gift of sex, that you will trust Him and choose to follow his intentions!  The fruit of THAT decision – to wait and save sex until you are married – will be faithfulness and perseverance and self-control , and will result in you living in freedom, with no guilt & no shame & no brokenness & no regrets…. and ready to give yourself entirely to the one who loves you enough to commit to you for life in the covenant of marriage.

Guys:  any woman you date is someone else’s wife (unless and until she becomes yours in holy matrimony);  therefore, treat her as someone else’s.   She is not yours.   Honor her.  Fight to protect her.  And honor yourself by saving your whole self for the one you will be united with for life in marriage.

Girls:  it’s already been said.  If a guy ever asks you to give yourself to him without him giving himself to you in marriage, flee.  End it.  You want a godly man who loves you more than his own fleshly desires.   You are worth it, girls.   And God’s glory is worth it.  And you can honor God and yourself by saving yourself for the man who will be your husband forever.

Truth:  There’s no greater gift you could give each other on your wedding night than to be able to say, “Here I am.   All of me.  I fought for this and saved myself completely for you.”     (even if you start today….)

Sex is God’s great wedding gift.   You are God’s great wedding gift to each other.  

(Tomorrow we will look at this some more;  sex in marriage is AWESOME…… See you then!)

(Pictured:  Steve & Lori’s dating years ^)

They’d been dating maybe eight months or so.  They came to us and said, “How do you know when your differences are healthy, and when they are too different?  How do you know when you should continue to date and work through things, and when to say we have too many things to work through to be dating any longer!?”

We were impressed with their questions.  “Why don’t we grab coffee and talk about it?”

They were all in.  After a few of these times of discussion, they very intentionally made the ask, “Would you be willing to meet with us consistently?  We know we are not engaged, we are not anywhere near that.   But we want to know, we want good counsel … we want to date well while we are deciding….”

For Steve and me, having met with engaged couples for nearly 20 years, this was like music to our ears!!!   YES!  YES!  And a thousand times YES!!   Are you kidding?  This was our DREAM!    This was what we had been trying to promote, hoping to cast vision for, wishing that EVERY couple could proceed this way!!!   Truly, we are hoping this is just the beginning;  we pray they are starting something-  something really cool.

If you’re single, this blog is for you.        If you’re married, keep reading because we are all awakening to the fact that all of this is bigger than just your marriage and ours:  it’s about fighting for marriages yet to come, and the purposes of God yet to be fulfilled.

The best marriages start long before the marriage. 

The best marriages start with teachable hearts!   Are you single?  This is your time to learn!  Do you want a love that will stand the test of time, a marriage someday that not only survives but actually thrives?   Then this is the time to be building your foundation:

>Spend as much time as you can with Jesus and learn who you are in Him.  Ask someone to mentor you and disciple you as you follow him and learn your true identity!

>Spend as much time as you can in community with other Jesus-followers.  Learn to serve others and lay down your life in devoted relationships and sacrificial living.  Practice healthy relationships, forgiveness, and living in the light (nothing hidden).

>Look at marriages you admire, pick a joyful few you’d like to learn from, and ask if you can ask them questions and learn from them about relationships.  Ask. Ask. Learn!

>Pray and ask God to give you not only a spouse for your future, but a complete contentment in Him until that time comes.   Do not rush or force it.  TRUST Him to bring it to you in His time!  Get to know Holy Spirit and the peace that comes from His life in you.  His peace makes you most attractive to the opposite sex.   Desperation does not.

>Ask Holy Spirit to fill you with His joy- another fruit of His life within you!  This joy is constant, whether you are dating someone or not.  Your joy should not depend on others- but on Jesus’ love for you!  He is the true lover of your soul and the best friend you will ever have!  Joy attracts and is contagious.  It’s who God has designed you to be.

The best marriages start by choosing well:   

>Becoming friends, spending time in groups, and taking it slowly before dating has made for the most successful couples we know!  There is no rush to “date”.  Friendship is truly the best foundation for a great marriage in the future!

>When you do decide to date, choose someone who shares your devotion to Jesus.  This will be evidenced not just by ‘going to church’ , but by how they live their life every day!

>When you do find someone you think could make a good mate some day, know that dating is intentional:  don’t just give your heart away to just anyone, ‘just for now’, when you know they are not someone you could ever marry.  This will only eventually break both your hearts.

“Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers.  How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?  What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil?  How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever?  And what union can there be between God’s temple and idols?  For you are the temple of the living God.”   2 Corinthians 6:14-16

>Have trustworthy friends and mentors in your life who will tell you the truth:  honestly.  Before you even begin to date, (and potentially fall in love), ask them their opinion, “Do you think this would be someone good for me to date?  Would he/she help me continue to grow in my faith?  What do you think?”   And be TEACHABLE and humble enough to listen.  Consider.  And mostly, pray.   What do YOU say, God?  And Listen!  He LOVES to answer!  Even just one step at a time.  Getting good counsel is the wisest thing you can do:    “Through pride and presumption come nothing but strife;  But wisdom is with those who welcome counsel.”    Proverbs 13: 10      And keep asking for counsel and input as you continue to date.  This is really huge!

The best counsel we could recommend for marriages is not just Pre-Marital Mentoring, but    PRE-ENGAGEMENT MENTORING!    Just like the couple at the beginning of this blog, we highly encourage – if you at all possibly can – to meet with a mentoring couple BEFORE getting engaged!   Guys, ask the Godly men in your life what they think.  Talk it through.   Girls,  do the same with your mentors.   Then find a couple you admire and trust and meet with them consistently for a while.  Let them into your lives and share with them the ups and downs of your relationship.   Ask for their counsel, their wisdom, to pray with you and for you.   Be HUMBLE and TEACHABLE enough to INVEST this kind of time IN THE MOST IMPORTANT HUMAN DECISION you will make on this earth!!  (next to your decision to follow Jesus, of course!)    This decision will determine the course of the rest of your life, your children’s lives,  and your lineage for generations to come.

Marriage is to be a picture of God’s covenant love with us His people.  Marriage is God’s favorite and first way of spreading and multiplying His gospel and His Kingdom!   Marriage is a high and holy calling, showing the world who our God is!  Marriage should bring out the best in you, demand the most of you, and result in the most joy…. if you choose well.  If you build well. If you are teachable!  If you seek godly counsel.  If you listen to Holy Spirit.   If you trust Him enough to wait for HIS Yes!  

Tomorrow, we’ll look at some more practicals that can either help or hinder your single years and your dating life.  We’re gonna talk about God’s amazing gift of sex and the wonderful purposes for which he created it!    We’re hoping both singles and those married might want to check back in for THAT!

A man was in a hurry, a little late for work.   He was rapidly trying to button up his dress shirt, but as he finished… ugh, he was off one button.  He tried again, thought he had adjusted, only to realize he was one button off in the other direction!  His wife noticed he was a little flustered, gently offered to help, and he gladly let her.  This time, she started at the top button, instead.   With the top button secured first, the rest of them fell right into line.

If you’ve flown anywhere in the last ten years, they always include in their opening instructions, “When the oxygen masks drop, please secure yours first, before trying to  place the oxygen mask on your child….”   Makes sense.  You can’t help anyone else if you yourself are not alive!

First things first.  When we put the most important things in life FIRST,  the rest of life – and marriage – will fall nicely into place, correctly aligned, a perfect fit.   When we give correct priority to the Love which sustains all else, we will then have love to give.

This morning God gave me a picture of two people coming to marriage, each with big cups, big empty cups, and they were so excited to get married because they were sure the other person would fill their cup.  But when they came together, they became disheartened and incredibly disappointed, because neither could give to the other what they themselves did not have.     Then I saw two different people come to their marriage, each holding their own cup.   But this time the cups were full and overflowing!!   They were so heavy they stumbled happily under the weight of them, bumping into each other as they came.  And the fullness of each their cups overflowed and spilled into the cup of the other; and the overflow became even greater and both were completely drenched with the spray of the excess and laughter and overflow from what they each had brought.

Most marriage problems are not marriage problems at all, but rather heart problems.

Most of the times we experience pain and emptiness and disappointment in marriage, it’s not a problem with the marriage itself, but with the condition of one or both of the hearts that are married.  Our hearts are empty.   In a culture where many of us are shaped by the relationships we see on TV or in the movies, we come to a faulty expectation that when you fall in love, your heart will be fulfilled!   In a culture where many families are splintered and the majority of marriages end in divorce, we sometimes conclude that if your spouse does not meet the deep needs of your heart, you should find a spouse that does.

I was having a tough day;  not terrible, but just one of those days of small disappointments that chip away at your heart without you even realizing it.  I pushed the snooze button a few too many times, checked my phone, got sucked into that important development on social media, and hurried into my day a little frazzled.   My friend cancelled lunch, which was fine, I had plenty to do, but I had been looking forward to her encouraging  presence and perspective on life.   Later that day, I realized I hadn’t heard back from another friend whom I had texted earlier that morning. She was probably having a a busy one, too.  I did meet up with that end-of-the-day coffee date, which was fun, but when I left, I realized we had talked about her and her life the entire time;  I don’t think she asked me a single question.   It was all good. She needed to vent.  I got the groceries, headed home, and had dinner waiting for my man when he came in.  I knew I could just use a hug.

But when he came in, his arms weren’t free for a hug.  He had his briefcase in one hand and his phone in the other, in the middle of a conversation.  He smiled at me across the kitchen, and went into the other room to finish the phone convo.   My heart felt a pang;  looking back, it felt like a rejection:  at least THIS person in my life was SUPPOSED to want to see me, talk to me, be with me.   Now even HE would rather be doing something else…   (anyone notice the lie that just developed?).

So by the time he got off the phone, my empty cup was drained, I was ticked off that he didn’t care to fill it, and I barely looked up when he came in to kiss me hello.  “Something wrong?” he asked.    “Nope.  I’m fine.  Go change.  Dinner’s getting cold…”  And the empty cup made a choice to agree with the lie so I could at LEAST be filled up with resentment and self pity and the victim spirit.

Looking back?  I missed putting the first thing first.  I didn’t start my day with the TOP button, nor did I have my oxygen mask on throughout the day so that I could freely give to others without being drained of life myself.    Jesus’ example reminds me:

“I love each of you with the same love the Father loves me.  You must continually let my love nourish your hearts. If you keep my commands, you will live in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands, for I continually live nourished and empowered by his love.  My purpose for telling you these things is so that the joy that I experience will fill your hearts with overflowing gladness!”  John 15:9-11

There is only one true source of love that will fill my cup!   His is the only love that is perfect, empowering, and never fails me!  His is the love that my heart longs for, the very life my soul needs to truly live!!   I was designed to live from HIS oxygen, HIS life, and His love for ME, and then be FILLED with it;    then and only then will I have any life or love to give.

This is more than a nice devotional.  This is truly the most practical truth I’ve ever found!  This is the one thing that has changed all things for me.  When I take time each morning to be with Jesus, to read and listen to His word, to soak in His presence and then respond by worshiping Him in joy,  the rest of my life comes into alignment with His purposes for the rest of the day!  When I wait in His presence until I see his face and let my heart be ‘nourished’ by His amazing love for me, then I am so overwhelmed by His goodness and kindness that His love just overflows my cup and spills on to every other person I meet!  Especially my man.      But if I depend on Steve to be the one to love me perfectly and fill the place in my needy heart that only Jesus can fill,  I will be left empty and disillusioned  from completely unfair and unrealistic expectations that I have placed on him.

Unfortunately, many of us have more than just one tough day.  We let a whole string of them run together and add up and leave us so dry and empty that there’s not one drop  in us.   We are so desperate and needy and mad at our spouses for not meeting our deepest needs that we think it is THEM that has let us down.  Instead, we have come with an empty cup and a very deep need that they were never meant to fill.  If this sounds all too familiar, here’s some good news:

“Come to me,” Jesus said.  “Are you weary, carrying a heavy burden?   Then come to me.  I will refresh your life, for I am your oasis.  Simply join your life with mine.  Learn my ways and you’ll discover that I’m gentle, humble, easy to please.  You will find refreshment and rest in me.  For all that I require of you will be pleasant and easy to bear.”  Matthew 11: 28-30 TPT

This is how good our God truly is!!  He made it possible for us to actually join our lives with His, to be filled with His Spirit, and to abide in His love every minute of every day.  There’s never a moment He doesn’t delight to be with you, never a second that He doesn’t want to hear every dream of your heart, never a thing that could come between you and His passionate love for you!

The best thing you could ever do for your marriage is to have your heart nourished by God.  The best way to be the husband or wife you truly want to be is to first be the son or daughter of the Father that you were designed to be!  (Completely loved, valued, and secure.)   Sometimes the best thing you can do for your unity in marriage, is to part ways long enough to spend time with Jesus by yourself.  Ask Him to fill your heart with His love for you;  ask Him to fill your cup.   Then go stumbling happily to your spouse with your cup so full and overflowing that you enjoy the collision of two full hearts spilling over with excess and joy and love to give!

Oh, those faces!   The way they look at each other!  Such joy.  Seriously, are you not smiling right now, just looking at them smiling at each other?  (I thought so….)  Steve & I never knew that our capacity for joy would only multiply when our CHILDREN felt joy.  It is surreal, like multiplied by a million, the way your heart can be so happy for their happiness.   No words.  It’s why a picture is worth a thousand of them.  (Thanks for indulging me in a parental, Mama Lori moment…._)

Wouldn’t it be great if we, as married couples, continued to look at each other this way – like past the wedding day & beyond to every day of all our days?  “Be real, Lori.  Like seriously?”     Like, seriously.    Humor me for a moment . . .

GUYS:  be honest.   Wouldn’t you kind of like it if your wife looked at you this way when you got home from work each day?   Or when you bumped into each other on your way out the door in the mornings?    And GIRLS, I’m pretty sure there’s not a one of us who wouldn’t love to see our husbands look at us like the picture above.  To be on the other end of THAT look…   Oh, how our hearts long for it.

“They are so young,” you say!  Yes.  They are young.   “They haven’t hit the realities of marriage yet, and how hard it can be….”  No, in the picture above, they had not yet experienced any of the hard moments, the hurts, and the challenges of marriage.  I get that:  but now they are 2.5 years in, and I can tell you from what I saw last night when they were standing in our kitchen…  they have – now – experienced a bit… and they are still looking at each other that way.    In fact, I know quite a few couples who have been married 10, 20, even 50 years …. and they still look at each other this way!  Maybe not all the time…  but they do look.   They see!    They smile.   And there is abundant joy!

FRIENDS!!   JOY is POSSIBLE!!    LOL!   Joy is actually the original INTENT of our GOOD Father who gives us such GOOD gifts when he gives us each other!!   This is actually to be our norm – and Steve and I believe it is not only possible, it is what marriage is meant to be!!    Now, we aren’t going to talk about the enemy any more today, but here’s the deal:  he really doesn’t want our marriages to work;  and if he can’t destroy them, he will at least try to steal from them.    Steal joy.   We’re writing today to say let’s take it back!   Let’s awaken again to JOY!

We love walking through Menards.  Well, STEVE loves walking through Menards, and I love walking with Steve!~  So it’s not uncommon that on many of our date nights, we will just need to stop in and make a Menards run!   He is excited because they’re running their 11% off sale, and I’m excited because I don’t really care…. about anything at the moment… except holding his hand!  I don’t have to plan where we go,  I don’t have a list or an agenda of anything that I, the wife, have to accomplish, so it’s kind of like being on vacation for 20 minutes …  I just hold his hand and skip along (yes, sometimes I skip), and we just go.     Have.     Fun.

And it occurs to me, as has happened so often these last few weeks of blogging, as I am in the very motion of typing those words, I am realizing why we love going to Menards!!!   Holy Spirit is revealing truth, and I am smiling and shaking my head, and answering Him, “Of course.  You’re right.   That’s exactly why we like to go to Menards!!!”  I just got it!    Like, right now.

I’m reading the phrases from above:  “I’m excited because I don’t really care… about anything except holding his hand… don’t have to plan… don’t have a list… or agenda…” And there you have it.  Girls:  when we don’t have cares-  or rather- when our cares don’t have us, when we’re not fixated on our plans, when we’re not obsessed with the list and our agenda of getting things done, or worried that they won’t, or stressing about the kids or the work load at work ….   wow,  we’re a whole lot more fun to be with!

Do you see it?   It could just be me.  But isn’t it true that on our wedding day, much like Bailey in the picture above, we only have ONE care in the world:  we just care about being with our man.   That’s all.  We are only fixated on one thing:  becoming his wife, and holding his hand, and when we look at him we see the one we want to walk through life with:  through highs and lows, through having kids and empty nests, through hard times and sad times … we just want to walk.   With him.

When did we start caring about more things, more than that?  More than him?  When did we stop looking at him and start looking at our lists, our agendas, our phones?  When did we stop being fun?

Contrast the two following scenes:  we’re going out on a date.  (Yes, we still date each other and we highly recommend that you married couples don’t ever stop …)  I bought a new dress; I’m going to sing, “I Feel Pretty”…  but my iTunes isn’t working as I get ready, and I just give up trying to fix it.   I go to put on my shoes, but realize our dog has been chewing on both heels… $#*@%#$.   Love that dog.  Ok.   Deeeeep breath, Lori.  I find just the right necklace and am putting it on… and trying to latch it, and still trying, but I can’t line it up because my eyes aren’t what they used to be… in fact, I can’t see it at all… and I’m starting to perspire, and I’m gritting my teeth…  and … FORGET THE NECKLACE!!!!!   AGHHHHHHH!.        DEEP,   DEEP BREATH.  And now he’s calling me, “Lor?  We’re gonna miss our reservation….  are you ready?”   And now I’m mad at myself for taking so long and frustrated we are going to have to rush… on a date..  and I say, a bit louder than I intended, “YES.  Dang it.  I’m coming…”     To which he retreats towards the car;  I follow.  He is walking carefully, considering the egg shells beneath his feet, and I am stomping, in my messed-up heels; and we get in the car and slam the door, and… he is not only not looking at me the way a girl longs to be looked at, he’s actually afraid to look at all.

Scene two:  it’s a late Sunday afternoon, we actually have a few hours to just plop on the couch and watch some football.  I put on my favorite sweats, and he is wearing like-wise, and we make some unhealthy queso for the chips, and I’m actually looking forward to just doing nothing, so I kiss him on the cheek, and steal the queso, and keep him from having any….   and – look at that.   What is he looking at?  He’s looking at me – like -what?  Like I had WANTED him to look at me on our date!   But he’s looking at me like that NOW?  I’m wearing my old sweats!  And he is smiling!

Could it be, girls, that what attracts our men to us is not the fab ensemble, or the hair fixed right…. but the heart of a girl who can just be.   And be fun???    Could it be that he finds me more beautiful when my heart is free and I can just be, no matter what I look like on the outside?  This is a phenomenon.  We girls may be a little slow.

And Steve is still smiling, and I say, “What?”   And I’m thinking he wants the queso, but now I’m starting to see…..  and he says, “Are we having fun now?”  with that hopeful grin on his face!    And I know he is happy to have me back.   To have me caring again, only just about him;  and letting the rest of the cares take a back seat,  letting my to-do lists wait till tomorrow, and letting the thought of tomorrow NOT steal my joy today.

I think I take the to-do of life a little too-seriously.   I think Father God designed us to trust him with our to-do;   He wants us just to-be.   I think the next time my to-do doesn’t go as planned, I need to just let it to-go.  To laugh.  To realize that the one I’m with is more important than the one thing I’m doing.  And the being with is more important than the getting done, and that loving well is the only thing.   to-care.   about.

So, friends.  Go have some fun this week.  Plan a date.  Or 2 hours at home – to just be.  Or go to a movie, and steal the popcorn.   And wake up and be present, and be aware of the one you love, and be …  fun.   And look at each other, and see.  See the one you saw back then, when you said, “I do.”   And don’t wait for the other to go first:  Men, your women will melt if you take time to look at them like that again.  It will CAUSE the cares to go!  And girls, let the rest go and look and see and smile and be.    Present.  Fun.  In-joy.  It makes you more attractive than you will ever know.