“I know!  It’s true – he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings… but I am so mad!  I can’t stop feeling so angry!!!  Why can’t I stop crying?”  All I could do was nod.  Yes.  I know.  I’ve so been there. I knew exactly how she felt . . . just last night I had….

Girls, we’ve ALL been there.   Guys, I honestly don’t know exactly how these things work for you, but read on, guys, ’cause even if this isn’t a common experience for you, I’m 99% sure it is for the one you’re married to….

I mentor and disciple and talk with amazing women almost every day of  my life.  The above conversation is so common, I can’t even tell you.   Like – this is nearly universal for us women.  Let’s be clear:  Our emotions are a gift from God.  They are given, I believe, to allow us to experience on so many different levels the goodness of God in all the blessings he sends our way.  God designed us women to feel deeply, to feel compassionately, to FEEL….

So, it’s not our emotions that are the enemy;  we don’t want to stop feeling.  Our emotions can clue us in to what’s going on inside of us.  When our emotions begin to be out of control- or rather controlling us – they are like lights on the dashboard of our car alerting us to danger:  something’s not right!  We need to pull over and look under the hood.  Stop and assess.  ‘Cause if we just keep driving, we may blow an engine – or something worse!  Here’s the good news!   We CAN pull over.  We can take action before damage is done!  We have the Perfect Mechanic riding with us and living in us every day to help us recognize, assess, and take action.  He has been given to us to give us VICTORY over anything that wants to hinder our joyous journey in marriage – and in life.  Married or not, this is good news for us today!

In my prayer time today, God popped this example scenario into my mind:

“WAIT!!  Eve!!   Hang on!!   Don’t take that bite!  LOOK!!  You think that cute little serpent is your friend, but he’s not!  Look again:  he is actually your enemy and he is acting like your friend by making it sound like he wants what’s best for you!  But he has never told the truth to ANYONE;  he is a liar!  Look!   See what’s happening here?”

And Eve looked again at the serpent.  And she looked at the apple in her hand…. and she chose to believe God’s warning over what appeared to be good…”

Wouldn’t it have been great if someone had stopped Eve mid-motion into her bite, and spoken truth that WOKE HER UP to what she was actually doing?   Obviously, she didn’t know she was being deceived, cause those being deceived are never aware of it, by very definition of the word ‘deceived!’  (pause.  You may want to read that again…)

Today’s blog is to say WAKE UP!!   Check this out!   Because that’s what God has been doing for us…  for me and Steve.  He’s been waking us up to the real battle and the real enemy and the real truth about life and emotions and marriage:

“For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places….  Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil.”       Ephesians 6: 12-13

Yesterday, we declared that your spouse is not the enemy.  Our enemy is evil and he is spirit.   So how do we battle an enemy we cannot see?

“The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world.  On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.  We demolish arguments and every pretension (lie) that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”  2 Corinthians 10: 4-5

And there you have it:  that’s our battle strategy!   Every emotion starts with a thought.  Therefore, we diligently pay attention to our thoughts – what we are thinking about – to make sure that they are Christ-obedient = Truth, instead of lies from the enemy.

Let’s return to the young woman from the top of the page who knew she should forgive her husband, but couldn’t stop feeling angry:   ie. her feelings of anger were now controlling her and her thoughts, instead of the other way around.  It is not a sin to feel ‘angry’ (or any other negative emotion or thought):  it’s what we do when we first FEEL it that can lead to problems. We always have a choice!  We will either take the thought captive and make it obey Jesus, or we will be taken captive by it and made to obey it.

This battle is from the beginning:  “In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord.  And Abel also brought an offering … The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor.  So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast. 

“Then the Lord said to Cain, ‘Why are you angry?  Why is your face downcast?  If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?  But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door;  it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.'” Genesis 4: 3-7

Sin here is a person – just one you can’t see = a spirit.  It is ‘crouching at your door’ and ‘it desires to have you’ or master you.   When you and I get offended, or disappointed, when we are angry or fearful,  the enemy will no doubt be crouching at your door to turn that one thought or feeling into more.  He knows if he can use your current situation to get you to agree with HIM, then he’s in.  When we agree, we open the door and let him in.  That’s when he ‘has’ us, and we have failed to rule over it.

Example:  Steve is late.  I look at my phone.  I send him a text.  No response.  I have a choice.  I can choose to remember that he is a good and respectable man who must have had something come up,   or I can give into my frustration and let it have it’s way:  ie. open the door.   It’s so easy to think, “Ugh. Why hasn’t he called!  Why can’t he just pick up the phone and let me know?   Why can’t he interrupt whomever is delaying him, and let them know he needs to go,  or at least needs to make a phone call…..”   And I begin to add one thought after another as to why I deserve to be offended and frustrated and angry….  And as soon as I ‘agree’ with this temptation of the enemy, I have opened the door to a SPIRIT of offense,  a SPIRIT of anger,  etc.   NOW, this has become a spiritual battle, and I am under the influence of a spirit that is causing me to feel overcome, over-powered, controlled by it.  (“Why can’t I stop feeling angry?   Why can’t I just forgive?”)

WAKE UP!  At THIS point, this is where we need to say, “WAIT!  Don’t take the bite of the apple!   Don’t agree with his lie!  It’s the ENEMY !   FIGHT HIM, NOT YOUR SPOUSE!”     How?  We:

1. Recognize what spirit has come in:  Name it.  (ie. Spirit of  Anger)
2. Renounce & break agreement with him  (I break any agreement I have made with Anger, known or unknown.  I renounce the lie that my man is uncaring, thoughtless
3. Redirect : Tell the spirit to go in Jesus name.   Ask God to take him far from you.
4. Remember the Truth:  ask God what His truth is instead?  (Father, what do you want to give me instead of a spirit of anger?)  And listen to Holy Spirit!!  Receive!

We CAN take every thought captive!   We can recognize when lies or spirits are crouching at our door!!  And we can ‘do what is right’ and MASTER that which desires to master us!  By recognizing what the enemy is attempting to do, we see our spouse in a different light.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by anything that is not of God,  anything NOT GOOD: depression, hopelessness, judgement, jealousy, fear, etc. . . begin to recognize this is NOT what God has for you, and stop and ask, “What just happened to make me feel this way?  What lie am I believing?   What spirit has just ruled/mastered me?”  Then go through the above four steps, and know that you have authority in Jesus’ name to be victorious!

Last, pay attention to what you say and declare about yourself, what you confess is what you “agree” with.     Example:  “I’m just highly emotional.  I just have a bad temper…  I just don’t have any self-control…  I just get depressed…”   etc. etc.   Begin to speak what GOD is saying about you instead:   “I have been given power and love and a sound mind.   The fruit of His Spirit in me is love, joy, peace, … self-control…  I am a child of God, made in His image.  I have been given the mind of Christ.  I have been made new.”  Knowing the TRUTH and speaking HIS THOUGHTS over yourself is what demolishes lies and truly sets us FREE!   Victory!

“And you shall know the Truth and the truth shall set you free.”     John 8:32

“I am not the enemy,” Steve said to me!      “And I am not the enemy, ” I said back!

We looked into each others’ eyes, smiled, and held hands.  And we knew it was true.  We turned our attention back to the speaker at the Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference we were attending.  Little did we know how that one phrase would be one we would repeat over and over, for years to come!   Thirty years in, and we still need to say it, rehearse it, and awaken to it.  Daily.

Your spouse is not the enemy.   You may feel that she is,  that he is,  but they are not.   But you do HAVE an enemy, and he is real, and he has a scheme, and he wants to take you out.  As in destroy you.  And your marriage.

You may not be in the same kind of pain and situation that we talked about yesterday, but we happen to know from the feedback we are getting as this blog continues, that many of us do have pain, we do have struggles, and we all need help.   Let’s just say this out loud:  there is no perfect marriage.  There is not one out there that doesn’t struggle with its share of conflicts and hurts and disappointments.  There is not one of us married persons who does not get frustrated, angry, tearful, bitter, jealous, resentful, bored, hopeless . . .

And that’s when he comes.  The REAL enemy.  His name is Deceiver, and we talked about him yesterday.   He cannot control you, so he seeks to deceive you.  It’s his only play.  When you have a moment of feeling that hopelessness, anger, etc, he is right there to add fuel to your fire.  He takes your experience and whispers to your soul, “This will never change….   He will always do this to you…   She will always be this way.”   And you hear it, and you consider, and you have to agree, “It’s true.  This is hopeless.”   And he has you.  Right then.   At that moment.  As soon as you AGREE with him, you have chosen his lie over the truth of God and the truth about your spouse,  and you are in it.  He has set you a trap, you have stepped right into it, and WHAM – the trap shuts on you.

Now that he has a captive audience, he continues to whisper, “It’s becoming clear now.  Remember all the times he ….   All the times she…. ”  More Fuel.  More fire.   “It’s so exhausting.  No one deserves this.  It’s not fair.  There’s more out there . . .”  And you hear it, and you consider, and you have to agree, “It’s true!!!  This is not fair!  I do NOT deserve this!  I deserve to be happy!”     And he rubs his hands together in delight, and pours out the rest of the can, “God wants you to be happy.   He would not want this for you.  Face it, you just married the wrong person. . . ”   And you hear it, and you consider, and the lie has been upgraded to a belief.  “If God is good, He would want me to be happy, not put up with this.”

And you call your friend, whom you know will understand.  She – or he – will agree with you.   In fact, that’s what they’ve been trying to tell you.  (The Liar uses many voices…).   And you go to Facebook, ’cause right now you just need to know you’re not alone;  that someone out there cares.  And you wish they weren’t out there, but right here.

And you turn on your phone, and you make sure you’re alone, and you just go there.  The voice is reminding you, you deserve some happiness,  some relief from this endless cycle.  And the trap is set, and he rubs his hands together, and you access the site, and you step into the trap thinking you will feel better and find some freedom to do what YOU want to do …. and BAM…  the trap snaps shut, and you are captive, and no longer free, and the voice is laughing and pointing and inviting his friends to come on in and see this!   So Shame and Guilt come waltzing in, and they laugh even louder, and you need them to be quiet, and you can’t go back, and you are slave.    To the enemy.

“The serpent was the shrewdest of all the wild animals the Lord God had made.  One day he asked the woman, ‘Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?’    ‘Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,’ the woman replied.  ‘It’s only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat.  God said, ‘You must not eat it or even touch it;  if you do, you will die.'”

“You won’t die!” the serpent replied to the woman.  “God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil.”  The woman was convinced. . . ”    Genesis 3: 1-5

The Deceiver came against those God made in His image.  Those God loved.  And God loves you, and the Deceiver still comes.   He brings just enough truth that you recognize it, then he twists it just enough that it SOUNDS like it would be true.   And while he’s at it, he wants you to question God’s heart for you.  He wants you to think that God is holding out on you, that He cannot be trusted completely.   And THAT is the root of all lies, and probably the root of yours and mine that we have believed.  

But the truth is, God is completely good.  And He is FOR you.   “And remember, when you are being tempted, do not say, ‘God is tempting me.’  God is never temped to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else.  Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away.  These desires give birth to sinful actions.  And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.  

So do not be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters.  Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change…”    James 1: 13-17

Here’s the truth:  There is a good, good Father who loves you,   and there is a Lying Enemy who wants to take you captive to do his will.    There is a WAY that is Truth and Life and His name is Jesus and he says, “Follow me!”  and there is a way that SEEMS right to a man but in the end it only leads to death.

More Truth:  If you are married to a person, that is the RIGHT person for you!  None of us are completely RIGHT, but if Jesus has made us new, He has made us RIGHT, and made it possible for us to be right with each other and be forgiven and be loved.

Your spouse is not the enemy.  (Can you recognize where the Deceiver has been lying to you?)      Your spouse is, however, battling against the same enemy you are.   (Can you see where the Deceiver may be lying to them?)

GOOD NEWS!!!!  His gig is up!  The curtain is pulled away, and you can see WHO the enemy is!  And you can look at each other, and come together, and face him as one, and tell him to GO, in Jesus’ mighty name.   The One who is in both of you is so much greater than the one who is in the world.    There is no match.  It’s all smoke and mirrors.  He is a liar.  He has no power over you except that which you give him by agreement.  So we ask God what the Truth really is, we choose to agree with HIM, and then we stand together – in prayer and unity and the power of the Holy Spirit!   Tomorrow we will look at how this plays out practically, in every-day life!   Making for every-day victories!

Let’s say it again:  You have nothing to fear;  we just have to be aware!  Fight the good fight, and fight the right enemy!   Fight for your spouse today!  Fight for your marriage!    Declare and agree with the Truth today, and it will set you FREE!!    ‘Cause good grief, the one who is in both of you is SO much greater than he who is in the world!

“But you belong to God, my dear children.  You have already won a victory … because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.” I John 4: 4 NLT

My friend is not reading this blog.  She lives out of state and we are no longer in communication, though I wish it were different.  She got stuck.  She didn’t know what to do with the pain.  She didn’t know what to do with the disappointment;  so she stuffed it down.   She felt she tried to tell him, tried over and over again to share how she was feeling.  How could he not see it?  Sense it?  He HAD to have known.  She pushed through for the kids.  They were her reason for staying.  She made up her mind and filled up her heart – with bitterness and the stuffed pain, till her heart was full and hardened with it.  Till there was no more room for any more fights or any more disappointments, and then one day  – she broke.

She had seen the opening, like a light at the end of a very long tunnel.  And now – broken and exposed and the kids almost gone – she was taking it.  She had to.   She couldn’t breathe.  She had been so stuck.   Freedom was beckoning.  And she was gone.

The hard reality about writing a blog about marriage is that the more we press in to all that God designed it to be – full of life and joy and purpose and perseverance – the more some of us see how far away we have drifted & how stuck we are.    And probably – the more it hurts.    And if that is you – and you are,  for some reason, still sticking with this and still reading this blog – we just want you to know:   we are praying for you.   We may not know who you are, but we know you are –  and we know you are hurting, and we are so sorry.

This day of blogging is for you.  In this very limited space, we can tell you two things:  there is hope – and there is danger.    There is help for you – and there is another voice who says it’s too late.   We pray you will find some comfort today, that you’ll hear you are NOT alone;  but you also need to know the truth.    There is Love pursuing you, and there is fear, and you are in the middle of a war.

First Thing:  There is hope.  There is help available.  And you are not alone.  So many of us have been there,  so many are exactly where you are today,  and so many have stories to tell you of how God has done miracles in their hearts.   And some have seen miracles in their marriage.   This road  is not an easy road,  but there is a road, and there is a Way, and there is One who wants to walk with you, and counsel you, and strengthen you, and love you in ways you may have never been loved before.   This is truth.   And this is hope.

Second Thing:  There is danger.  You have an enemy, and he wants to take you out.  Like, destroy your life. You feel like your marriage may already be dead, and he is rubbing his hands together in delight as he whispers, “You’re right.  It’s dead.   Bury it.  Move on.”    But here’s the thing:   He is a Liar.  He has been a Liar from the beginning and it’s his only play.  He knows he cannot control you, so he seeks to deceive you.  He offers you solutions that seem to be for you, but in the end, they will leave you with more pain and more destruction than you have right now.   Much more.   If he were to tell you the truth about the matter, you would never listen to him.    His name is Deceiver, and his only desire for you is to kill, steal, and destroy you.

This is why we all need a Savior.  Daily.   Jesus came that you may have life, real life, abundant and joyful life.  He came to expose the lies and destroy the workings of  the enemy in your life and in your marriage.  This not just platitudes.   Not just Christian rhetoric.   Jesus is real, and He brings real solutions, real peace, real clarity, and real healing.   The truth is that He is the Resurrection and the Life we long for, and he can therefore resurrect any marriage, any dead parts of our hearts, and any dreams we thought had died long ago.  This is truth, we have seen it and experienced it, and we wish we could sit over a cup of coffee with you right now, and we could look you in the eye and tell you story after story of impossible situations that God has turned into victories!

We would tell you of our friends who battled bitterness and critical spirits, which led to adultery and separation;  then just one of them began to pray and did not give up and  believed that God could move, and  began to sense a shift.   And they met and they talked and they began the work.  And they cried and they forgave and they did it week after week, month after month.   It’s been more than 15 years since then, and we have seen God change their hearts and save their marriage and they are our heroes in the bravest sense!!

We would tell you about some other friends who fell captive to cycles and addictions, and tried to get help, but the enemy found a day of weakness and tried to take one of them out;  it seemed he had won.  But God.  And they prayed.  And they cried.   And they asked for a miracle.   Then both began to take responsibility for their own stuff, instead of waiting and hoping for the other to change first.  They began seeking help for themselves.   And they reached out for prayer.  And they joined  a support group, and then another.   And they went.  And they worked. And they stumbled, and they got back up.  And they walk on, and they are winning.   And they are working and depending on God and would rather be in the light and known than stuck where they were, unknown and trying on their own.

How?  How did they do it?  Where in the world did they start?   In both these stories, and many more we could share, there is a common element.   Here it is:  They came out of hiding, and into the light.   They thought they would find judgement and shame when they shared how stuck they were, but instead they found freedom for their tired souls, and they found people who really cared and did not judge and loved them well and walked alongside and helped them find help.

Where?  Where can you find the same?    Start with a trusted friend, one who knows the difference between the light and the darkness, between Jesus and the enemy.  Start by walking in the doors of a church, or even giving one a call.   Start by asking your spouse if she or he would go with you to talk to a pastor or a counselor or a trusted couple you know.   Once you’ve found a trustworthy one whom you are convinced knows Hope and knows the Truth, tell them your story.  Share where you are.  They will not be shocked.  This battle is raging in more lives than we can count!   Not every marriage makes it, but more victories are happening than you would ever believe.  We’ve seen it.  We know them.  We want you to know the same!  I wish my friend from the story above could have known the same, but she didn’t tell me or anyone, anywhere, what she was going through.    No one knew, not even her husband.  The enemy knew.  And we are pretty sure his whispers where all she listened to.

“Egalitarian?   Or more Complementarian?   You are a strong woman, a strong leader;  (and obviously Steve is a strong leader, too)   yet you seem to have fairly traditional views on marriage.   I’m just curious….”

We love continuing to do pre-marital mentoring with young couples:  they ask hard questions, keep us young;   they keep us REAL.  One young bride-to-be asked me the question above.   And honestly, I’m not the expert on these current labels or how they are defined in the context of marriage.   BUT I love the question.  What DO we believe?

We believe Jesus.  “In everything you do, be careful to treat others in the same way you’d want them to treat you, for that is the essence of all the teachings of the Law and the Prophets.”  Matthew 7:12  

In other words, if we treat each other like we would want to be treated, we would automatically fulfill all the other commandments given!   If we, in our marriages, would do that one, simple thing,  it takes care of all the other questions!!   If we could fulfill this one teaching of Jesus, we would not have to read one more book, listen to one more message, or peruse one more blog on marriage:    we would do it well, both parties would be loved, and marriage would work!     It’s hard to beat the golden rule:   Steve and I try to treat each other the way we would want to be treated!

“But what about submission? Headship?  Authority?”  Same!  Treat one another as you want to be treated, and those three would be taken care of as well!    Let’s look at it:

“ Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.   For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church.   He is the Savior of his body, the church.  As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.    

For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church.  He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.  He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish.  Instead she will be holy and without fault.  In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies.  For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself.  No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.  And we are members of his body.  As the scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’     This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.    So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”           Ephesians 5: 21-33 NLT

Put simply?    We are to submit to one another out of our reverence and love for Jesus.  The Passion Translation says ‘submit’ can also be translated as ‘be supportive of.’  It is a term of serving, yielding, giving to one another…  putting the other first, their needs above your own.  It’s really about being one:  truly united like a head and a body that are connected.  It is a partnership (ie.  Jesus has chosen us to co-labor with Him to be his hands and feet on the earth).  The Passion Introduction to the book of Ephesians says this, “The church is … the new temple where God’s glory dwells.  And the church is the bride of Christ, the beloved partner who is destined to rule with him.   How wonderfully he blesses his bride with gifts from above.  He gives us, both men and women, the grace to be apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors, and teachers who will feed and encourage the church to rise higher.  The greatness of God streams from Jesus Christ into the hearts of every believer.”

We realize the term ‘submission’ has also been abused and misused.  We do not believe that a woman should ever be mistreated or dominated.  We believe the biblical definition of submission is positive like honoring and respecting and loving .  It is the example of Jesus – true love serves and lays down its life for the other.

Pastor Kris Vallotton says he just gives his all to serve and do what’s best for his wife, and she does the same for him.  That’s a good word right there!   Steve explains it better than I do:  He tells all of our pre-marital couples:   “My job is to make Lori the best Lori she can be.”    That’s an amazingly good nut-shell.  (Thank you, God.)

He also says our society is a bit obsessed with the terms ‘authority’ and ‘rights.’  Like, if we loved well, we wouldn’t need them.   He sees his role as best defined as Servant-Leader;  (it’s also the way he sees his role as a business owner and Developer of Leaders at work):  true leaders lead by serving.  He believes if he fulfills his role as Leader in our home, I will thrive and be empowered to be all I can be, also a strong leader.   I feel the same:  if I am the ‘Helpmate’ and strong wife I’m called to be, I will support and empower Steve to be the best Steve he can be!

We make decisions together.  If we have trouble agreeing,  we wait and pray and come together again.  Ultimately, we both submit to Holy Spirit.  We trust each other, and recognize where each other may know best.  I will say this: there is a strength in my man that I am proud to say I lean on;  I appreciate that he is the initiator, a strong father to our sons, and one who continually steps in front of me to protect me.  I do not find this demeaning;  I find it incredibly sexy.   Call me old fashioned, but God did make us differently, and GUYS:  I’m guessing the more you initiate and lead your family, the more your wife will find you sexy, too.  (Read John & Staci Eldredge’s Love and War for more)

We believe all people are equal in value, equal in worth, and equal in God’s eyes!  We also believe that there are roles in life that each of us fill, depending on our individual strengths and callings, for the betterment of the marriage and society in general.  Our value is equal, our roles are different. (And some roles change, depending on what season of life we are in.)  Even in the Trinity, God the Father/God the Son/God the Holy Spirit are all equal – but have different roles.  It’s the way things get done!   Those of us who have already given up our lives to follow Jesus and have chosen to serve Him, have already died to our rights and received new life that we live – not for ourselves – but for Him.    Surrender and dying to self are already things we have chosen, and marriage is one perfect place for us BOTH to live those out practically before each other.

Honestly, we tell couples, don’t marry someone you hope will fulfill you.  Marry someone you want to partner with to help fulfill them and their destiny!  Someone for whom you would lay down your life.  Someone you want to support and serve and sacrifice your life so that they can truly live.  And if they are doing the same for you?  If BOTH are doing that for each other??   Wow.   That’s a picture of marriage, right there.

“Nice to meet you.   And this is my bride, Lori….”   I admit it.   I love it.  I love it when my man introduces me as his bride.   There’s something powerful about choosing that word over ‘wife’.   What’s the difference, you may ask?

When he introduces me as his ‘bride’, I somehow feel young and chosen again.   It takes me back, reminds me:  like a bride feels on her wedding day,  it is ‘her’ day!   She is the princess of the ball, the queen of the day, the focus of all the attention!   Made by God to  display beauty in unique ways,  this is one of our favorite days to be and feel beautiful!!

As a bride, we are expectant and full of hope!   We are living a dream come true and dreaming a life yet to come!  We are beginning a new chapter, full of possibilities and full of faith in the man that we are marrying!    We are gracious!  We are thankful!  We are full of joy.

Now sometimes the word ‘wife’ can carry a different connotation.   At least that’s the difference I have seen in my own life.   Sometimes beautiful brides can become weary wives!   We begin full of hope and joy, and then life happens.    The jobs take time and energy;  the new house needs repairs and finances we don’t have.   The new baby is not sleeping, and the new momma isn’t feeling so beautiful at the moment.   The dreams we started with have collided with reality, and the strong love that could endure anything is being strained.   It is what it is:    life can be hard.

I remember just feeling cranky.   Anyone else relate?  Even in the first few years:  I didn’t know teaching seventh graders would be so hard, or that I would be so tired, or that we would fall into bed most nights without the fireworks we had dreamed of!  Within a few years, we had two kids, Steve’s hours at work were long, and my fuse had become quite short!   The beauty of being a bride seemed a distant memory as I didn’t feel very beautiful nor act it.   Sometimes, this crazy cycle is worse than the communication one.  We fall out of thriving mode into surviving mode.  The bride has become ‘the wife’.

Now we girls aren’t the only ones who suffer when this happens;  we tend to forget this affects our men as well.  (Yes?  Guys?) Truly the two have become one, and what happens to the one also happens to the other.   I’m guessing we girls aren’t the only ones missing our happy-go-lucky selves!   I’m guessing our men may be thinking, “Where is the joyful girl I dated and proposed to?   What happened to happily ever after?  Where did we go?”

Ready for some good news?  Steve continuing to call me his ‘bride’ helped change me!  It reminded me, season after season, that all the things that the word ‘bride’ represented were really all the things I wanted to be, who I think God designed us to be, girls; our true selves!  Even in the tough seasons, the busy days, and the hard realities of life, we can still BE brides;  we can still be husbands who proudly declare, “This is my bride!”

Words are powerful.   Steve has always been known to say, ‘We can use our words to either build up, or to tear down.’   I think the Bible agrees:

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”  Ephesians 4:29

Guys:  is your bride no longer blossoming, maybe wilting a bit,  a little cranky?  Words of life can be like a spring rain, nourishing her soul, bringing her back to life again!   Words of encouragement can build her UP!  “You look smashing, tonight, dear, ” and watch her stand up a little straighter!  “I read your article from work, sweetheart;  you killed it!” and watch her smile again!  “I don’t know how you do it, but you are an amazing mom!” and watch her energy level rise!    “And tonight, babe, I’m taking you out, so get dressed up and let’s go someplace nice!” and watch the twinkle return to her eyes.

And girls, this goes both ways, don’t forget!  Have you noticed your man looking tired, seeming distant these days?   Do you know how things are going for him at work?  Words of life, either way, can be a game-changer for your husband as well:   “You work so hard for us, honey.  Thank you for getting up and going day after day….”  and see if he doesn’t look up!  “I think you should sign up for that old basketball league you used to play in – your skills are needed out there!”  (and then go and cheer him on!)  and watch him start flexing in the mirror again!   “You’re sexier now than the day we married!” and hear him start singing in the shower again.

Could it be God knew we would need each other to refresh and encourage each other with our words of life?  Did he know we would need the one who knows us best to be the one who believes the best and speaks the best out of us?   No matter your love language, words of encouragement can truly change the atmosphere, and change the one you love into the one they were designed to be, but maybe forgot about.

And here’s the best word:  don’t wait for the other to start the encouraging!   Be the first to start the life-giving,  try to outdo one another in ‘building the other up’.  Be so intentional about speaking words of life that you don’t measure or wait for the other to go first;  and you’ll find a funny thing happening.   As you partner with the great Encourager , the Spirit of God himself, you will find a joy you had forgotten rising up within you.  You will be acting like Him, with Him helping you, and you will be finding part of your destiny:  to speak life as He has done for you.  Hopefully, you spend time each day listening to and reading the true words of Life from the Word himself. And you will feel His heart for your spouse rising up within you, and you will speak, and there will be life.   Encourage your spouse.   Build them up with your words.  Nourish their souls with truth and reminders of who they were created to be!  And watch them blossom and bloom, from wives to brides, from weary to waking, from deadness to life!

“And never let ugly or hateful words come from your mouth, but instead let your words become beautiful gifts that encourage others;  do this by speaking words of grace to help them.”    Ephesians 4:29 TPT

“Why are you doing it that way?   Seems like it would be easier if ….”

“Why are you going this way?   This can’t be the fastest….”

I used to believe that marriage is about finding the RIGHT way, and learning to do it together.  But I’ve come to believe that there are at least two different ways of doing nearly everything in life & in marriage, like we will have two different ways of seeing everything.  All the time.  So now I’m starting to believe that the greater goal is to try to honor the differences and honor the one I’m married to by being open to learning and appreciating a possible new way!

Now, I’m not talking about the major issues in life.  I’m thankful we each chose someone with whom we agree on the most important things:  and in this regard, there is only ONE way, praise God, and He is it.  Steve & I both help each other find His way daily!!

But then there are the minor issues, the ones that seem to bring up my major issues:  like what route to take to get somewhere, or how to grill the meat, or even how to apologize!  We are in year 30, and I am still blown away by the fact that I’m surprised when he doesn’t do things like I do!   (I’m a little slow, I know….)  He doesn’t always do things as I would.  And I don’t always do things as he would.

It’s not the differences that are the problem.  It’s how we treat and react to the differences that cause the division!   We’ve been discussing love and respect and honor, (the last two being nearly synonymous), but these differences are where I’ve had trouble applying them!!  When Steve turns down a certain road that I wouldn’t have chosen, I automatically verbalize my astonishment!  WHY?  To us control-freak girls, this seems like a logical question that could save us hours…  ok, minutes…  well, at least multiple seconds… and therefore, I am justified in bringing it up.   In questioning.

But guess how my man ‘hears’ that, girls?   He hears it through that megaphone of disrespect:  I’m questioning him (and not kindly).  I’m not trusting that he may have a plan.  I’m not asking humble questions for discussion, I’ve actually become ‘questioning’ in my attitude.  I’m suspicious of his focus, his productivity, his ‘intelligence’ as it may sometimes sound!  It’s a wonder he can find his way around the city after 30 years!! (insert sheepish emoji)   (Is this feeling accurate, guys?)

“Would you like to drive?”   I used to think he was a bit sensitive when he would reply with this remark.   Now I see that my disrespect warranted it. By questioning each other quickly or harshly, we actually do this to each other all the time.  We judge, we ascertain, and we quickly communicate that my way is better than yours.  Honor?  Out the door.

Now it really gets sticky when our differences are seen in our spiritual giftings or how we relate to God.   Consider a typical Saturday morning at our house:  I love to find a comfy chair, pour a hot cup of coffee, and snuggle in with my Bible and headphones and journal… to be with Jesus.  I can study His word for hours, and I get so excited and amazed about what I’m reading and learning that I want to text everyone and share how incredible God is!  Who wouldn’t want to spend 2+ hours doing this?!!   During this same time, Steve can be found out in the garage, with ratchet in hand, working on a friend’s car.  In the garage.   He’s already been up a few hours earlier than me, having helped a friend who needed some assistance moving.   Now’s he’s –  in the garage.

For years, I would think, “Geese.   He’s in the garage!  What about the two hours with God?   Help him, Jesus…..”   And he was in the garage, quite possibly thinking,  “Ah, she’s finally up.  And back in her chair…..  will she ever actually DO something today????”

It took us a few years of marriage, and a few doses of humilty, to realize, “Wait!   Your giftings are not the same as mine?”  Steve has one of the most amazing gifts of Service I have ever seen.  Like, it just IS what he naturally does.  He is always helping someone and giving to someone and is so happy and close to Jesus while doing it!  He also has a gift of wisdom that astounds me, like I couldn’t believe he already knew that and did that, and it took me 7 books on the subject to even begin to get it!      And yes, these gifts from God are so different from my teaching and shepherding gifts, or my encouragement or worship passions.

When we began to appreciate and HONOR the giftings that the other had, life took a whole new turn down the road of freedom and joy!   When I began to see that he serves not only others, but me as well, I began to honor him and tell him how I valued him.  When I realized that he was discipling men out in the market place and yes –  out in the garage- I thanked God for his wisdom!  When he graciously gives me space to study and learn and ‘go have coffee with the girls’;  when he affirms me with ‘I’m so glad you can encourage her,’  and ‘Thanks for writing our blog that I could never sit still that long to do but am so for it and for you and …. ”  and takes time to tell me, I feel loved and respected.   We are learning.

We are so different.  We see now how maybe that was God’s plan all along – men and women are just different.  Each human being is different.    Though each is made in the image of God, each is wired and gifted differently to display aspects of our Creator and Father that only he or she can display!   Each of us is a unique, one-of-kind masterpiece, meant to be studied and discovered and honored for the person God has made them to be and the purposes for which He made them!!   No one else can do what God has designed your spouse to do specifically, in their way, in their sphere of influence!   No one else can reflect God the way your spouse does!  No one in all of creation can have the relationship that they – or you – have with Father God, as each relationship is unique and beautiful and ….  different.

And no one can affirm  and encourage your spouse to be who God created them to be the way that you can!  No one has been given the enormous privilege of building them up day after day to go and do it in the ways that you have!!  No one else’s words mean as much, weigh as much, or empower them as much as yours – for you know them better than any other living soul on the planet.  Tell them again today:   Live it!  You can do it!  Be you!  Be the light God made you to be!

And no matter how differently they do life as we journey to where God wants us to go, cheer them on in honor and respect.   Believing in them is honor at it’s finest, no matter which road they choose to take!

Late again.  On the way to church.   Late and arguing again.  On the way to church.  This probably never happens to you.  But I am often late.  And when I’m late, I get frustrated, at myself mostly, but he doesn’t know that, he just sees I’m frustrated and late again.  On the way to church.

Greeter:  “Good morning!  How are you?”   Me:  “We are good,  well, a little late….  but pretty good.  Well, I’m the one that made us late.  Then I make it worse by …”  My husband interrupts my confession:  “My wife is a passionate person.  It’s one of the things I love most about her.”     And there.    He did it again.  He saw me at my worst, stopped me from going down the self-condemnation trail, and turned me around with a word of honor.

Honor.   We give places of honor to those we want to feel special.  We invite one to be a maid of honor to recognize the special place that person has in our life.  We give medals of honor to recognize those who sacrifice for others, sometimes their very lives.

Paul was speaking to the church family when he wrote the following, but I think it has to start in the most intimate of our relationships before it can be authentically given to others outside our marriages & families:    “Hate what is evil.  Cling to what is good.  Be devoted to one another in love.  Honor one another above yourselves.”     Romans 12:9-10

Steve could have let me continue to confess my shortcomings.  He could have even chimed in and agreed with me.  He had a choice, and he chose to do the opposite.  He chose to honor, not because I deserved honor, but because he is honorable.

This is true honor:  to look beyond the behavior and see the true person you married, the real person inside made in God’s image, still in process of becoming like Jesus.   Honor sees who that person is, completely redeemed already, free from the hindrances of brokenness, and speaks that out.   Honor chooses to let the Holy Spirit bring the conviction, while you bring the encouragement that you believe in them!    You are for them!   You know who they really are,  even if they are having a bad day, or week, or year….

Honor doesn’t ignore there are problems, but honor protects your heart while you are working through them.  Honor presents you in the best light to others around you and stretches the tent pegs to give you room to grow right then and there.   Honor has your back when you don’t know it;   honor speaks of the good.  It sincerely loves, it hates the evil that torments you and it clings to what is good and true about you!  Honor stays devoted, even when you don’t deserve it.

Honor acts.   I love to make a big deal of Steve’s birthday;  to mark big days at work;  to plan ahead for big Anniversaries to honor the day and the years and the committment;  and God’s faithfulness.  But honor is not always this easy.  Honor is sometimes hard. Honor forgets about itself long enough to plan ahead and do something that will cause the other person to feel honored.  Honor sometimes costs us – it chooses to sacrifice self to honor another;  this is why they give medals for it. Honor the other ABOVE yourself.

Honor speaks.  Honor encourages.   Honor thanks.   Honor tells others of your best and your successes and your joys!  Honor is given, it is a gift.   Honor calls out the gold in you.  Honor waters the seeds of greatness in you, long before they have sprouted or have born any fruit.

And then honor changes you.  It causes you to want to become that which has been honored in you.  It compels you to believe that maybe you could be – maybe it’s possible.  Honor makes you think differently about yourself, like you want to BE that honorable.

We all go through times when we are not being our true selves;  when our behavior or emotions are out of alignment with who God made us to be and what is best for us.   Maybe your spouse has forgotten who they are.   And you have felt helpless.   But you are not!  Honor can remind them;  you can honor them for who they are, not for what they are doing!   Honor them for who you know they are meant to be!   Honor the good, speak out sincerely what you love about them, what you see that God has put in them!  How you see what they bring to this world!   They may just begin to believe it.  They will want to honor your honor.

God has honored us by honoring His word.  He has kept His word to us, He has continued to be faithful, even when we are not.  He will continue to believe in us and give to us and honor us, not because we are always honorable, but because He is.  May you partner with your honorable God today to honor the one to whom you are married.  Ask Him for ways to honor them;  ask them when they have felt most honored by you.  What makes them feel most honored?    Then go for it!  The more you water the seeds of greatness in them with honor, the more harvest you will reap together!!

I’m not sure how you guys feel, but in that movie, The Notebook, we girls absolutely cannot handle it when it becomes evident that Allie’s mom has been hiding Noah’s letters from her.   We become righteously indignant!   When day after day, he checks his mailbox to see if she has replied, and nothing has come, and he just can’t understand why, we are heartbroken!   He had poured out his heart, committed to writing and telling her every day of his love, for a whole YEAR!!!   And she never knew.   She never got the letters.   Though he had 365 days of words, she had not read or heard a one.Communication in marriage can be just like that.”I did, too!  I told you!!  We were standing right here!”  “You never told me that.”   “Yes I did!  I absolutely did!  Just last night!”   “Last night?   When you began to raise your voice and ended up yelling at me?”      “Yes!  How could you forget that?”      “Forget it?   I never heard it.   I didn’t hear a thing once you began yelling……..”Ah, the joys of marital communication.   When Steve and I first got married,  we found out that we had two very different ways of communicating, like we were on two completely different frequencies! For starters, one of us was a man.  And the other was a woman.  That pretty much explains it.  But there were other differences, too.   Both of us grew up in loving homes with the most amazing marriages played out in front of us, for which we are eternally grateful and aware of the rare blessing this is today.   In the home where Steve grew up, disagreements were discussed and worked through fairly quietly, and louder interactions were few and far between (or possibly he was a boy and a bit oblivious to all discussions that took place?  Just sayin.)   My wonderful home-life was full of beautiful noise and loud expressions and passionate arguments in which we let it all out, raised the roof a wee bit, and then hugged one another as we said we were sorry.   Then we were done and happily loving each other.You can imagine our first few years of marriage.  Yes.  Exactly.   While being best friends for quite some time and crazy in love, we would still have these ‘discussions’ in which I would react in ways completely different than he!   When I felt the issue was of utmost importance, I would raise my voice so that he would understand the level of priority here.  He, in turn, would look at me, consider his response, and say very little.   To which I wasn’t quite sure how to respond, as my head cocked sideways, and I asked him if he were hearing me?  (in a bit louder voice).  To which he would emotionally retreat even further away and say nothing at all.    Which said to me that he must not care, it must not be important to him, and therefore, I – his wife – must not be important….  and out of that place of young insecure love, I would necessarily begin the yelling so that he would understand.  (If blogs had volume levels, that would have been a good place for a gradual increase).This was our Crazy Cycle.   It wasn’t until a few years later when we read an amazing book by Emerson Eggerich entitled Love and Respect that a lightbulb went off in our heads!   In his book, he described our Crazy Cycle exactly.   We had no idea how he knew our story, if possibly he had some secret microphones hidden in our apartment, (or if maybe my husband had sought him out for counseling as a first step before having me committed).  However he knew, he pegged us perfectly.He based his book on Ephesians 5:31.  One verse.  Amazing.  Here it is:”However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”It’s a remarkable book and one we highly recommend, and impossible to do it justice in this blog, but here is what Steve and Lori took away from it:   God is giving a directive, through Paul, to man – to LOVE, and to the woman – to RESPECT.  Why aren’t they both commanded to LOVE?  Or are they?  In different ways, maybe different languages?   He says one of a man’s core needs is respect.   Therefore, he understands respect and gives it to others because this is how he would want to be treated.  This is how he feels loved.  But he needs to be reminded to also LOVE, a more relational response, because it may not be his first one.  On the other hand, one of a woman’s core needs is LOVE,  she understands love and freely gives love, so doesn’t need to be commanded to Love as much as she needs to be reminded to Respect her man.   Love him in a way he can receive, or that he can hear.He says the Crazy Cycle gets going when one of them is not having their core needs met, like when a wife is feeling a little forgotten (are any of the men seeing this thread continue?  Just checking in…)  and therefore gets a little insecure, maybe even a little demanding, trying to grasp for that love.  But when the husband hears a little disrespect, he knows he does not want to give that back in return, so he actually chooses to not engage.   By not engaging, the wife is feeling even MORE needy and unloved, and grasps harder and speaks from a hurt place much more disrespectfully, maybe lashes out, or raises her voice, and there you go… the cycle begins.   The more graspy and desperate and hurt and demanding she becomes, the less respected he feels, so he pulls further away, making her….   you get the idea.How to stop it, you ask?  Emerson says one party must choose to step in and stop the cycle.   To go against your instinct, and just begin to LOVE.    Or just push through feeling unloved, and choose to apologize and speak respectfully.    The results are astounding.  It takes but a moment.  One word.  One gesture.   One apology.  One step towards one another in love or respect.I realized that the whole time we had been disagreeing, I thought Steve could hear me clearly – that he knew I loved him.   To me, that wasn’t the issue.   But much like Allie never getting the messages from Noah, Steve was not hearing any love from me because it was being blasted through a megaphone of disrespect.    He thought he was loving me well by not responding in a like manner. In fact, he felt he was taking the high road (and freely admits he self-righteously felt his was the right road, which your spouse can sense by the way….).   The more composed and quiet he remained, the less loved I felt, and I never heard the messages he was trying to send.Girls:  I’ve learned that HOW I say what I say to my man is just as important as WHAT I say.    Sometimes it’s more important, because if I am disrespectful, he won’t even hear it.   I’ve learned a few things about what Respect means to him:   It means asking him kindly to help with something, instead of instructing or telling him to.   It means refraining from responding emotionally until he has finished his sentence and I have asked a few questions to see if I have the whole story.  It means not interrupting.  It means not demeaning him – in private or especially in public.   It means letting him make mistakes without any ‘I told you so’s’ or heavy sighs.   It means not rolling my eyes when I disagree, but allow him to have his opinion.On a more positive note, it looks like asking for his input when I need to make a decision.  It means THANKING him for doing everyday tasks and helping out.  It means speaking in a tone that is honoring, even when I am mad.  It means trusting when he makes a decision, and standing by him as his teammate whether it goes well or not.Guys:  Steve is in full support of me continuing here and maybe helping you hear how your girl might feel more loved.  Guys.  Your wife wants to be pursued.  As in, come towards her, emotionally and physically.  Always.  Whether she’s in an OK place, or you can tell she’s not in a good place at all….  and you feel like running the other way…. DON’T RUN!  Pursue!    Especially then!    That’s when she needs you the most, even though it may appear that her claws are out and it might feel like hugging a porcupine.   Gently pursue.   Ask how you can help.    Ask how she is feeling.   Ask.   Ask .   Ask.  Let her talk it through.   Let her process and don’t take every word she’s spewing as gospel truth because she may be trying to talk until she figures it out herself!    Give her space to land – and come to a conclusion.   Learn what to let go right past you, and which words she really means.   She’s not trying to be misleading,   sometimes she truly doesn’t know yet.  When she has had her say, ask her what she would like for you to hear in all of that!    When you sense she is getting graspy, clingy, demanding, short-fused, try not to take it personally (unless you know it’s you!).   Tell her you love her.    Hold her hand.   Tell her you are sorry she’s feeling this way, and you’d like to help if she wants you to.    Every girl struggles with wondering if she is worth being pursued.That’s really good, and seems to be ringing true on a foundational level.    So I’m going to say it again.    Every woman struggles with wondering if she is worth being pursued.  Her daily struggle is to fight the lies that she is not pretty enough, not organized enough, not productive enough, not thin enough.     She rarely feels enough.  If you, as her husband, can daily and continually tell her she is more than enough, you will watch her blossom and begin to bloom!   If you can push past her outward demeanor to the need that is producing it, and speak words of love and kindness and admiration and attraction, your woman will begin to believe it.   This is coming from a woman who’s been there.     And from a woman who still forgets and still needs affirmation and love – and is thankful for a God and a husband who have been so gracious and kind.Good communication takes work.  It takes being intentional.  Girls, truly, I have found that I must first communicate with my Father before I can communicate well with Steve.  He alone can show me who I really am:  and He has SHOWN me that I am worthy of His love and adoration not because of what I do, but because I am His!  I am His daughter.  I must hear him tell me daily.   He made me need that – from Him – so I would run to him daily and receive more than I could have asked for or imagined!And guys:  your Father is so proud of you and respects the man you are, not because of anything you have done, but because you are His son.  And He is proud to be your dad, expectant of all you are becoming, and wants you to hear His well done, whatever the rest of the world may be telling you.Love well, friends.   Communicate love in a way your spouse can actually hear.  Practice it.  Ask for help if needed.  Ask your spouse if they are experiencing your love, if they know it.  Ask God to fill you with His complete acceptance and affirmation that you may go to your marriage ready to communicate what Father has communicated to you!

The Notebook.   We love it.  Ok, I love it, and luckily Steve used to love the Rockford Files and James Garner and his car….   so he is gracious and kind enough to watch it with me!   (For those of you under 50, you’ll have to look up The Rockford Files….)   The Notebook is one of the best films to ever grab your heart and awaken your soul to a radical love that never gives up, that lasts the long haul of life, and keeps believing against all odds.  Beautiful.   When the aging Noah sneaks into Allie’s room at the end of the movie, and the nurse turns a blind eye so they can be together, when he lays down in the bed next to her and she actually “comes back to him,” alert and recognizing him again, and they hold hands and drift off to ‘sleep’ believing their love is stronger than death …  there are no words.   We try to watch it once a year – on April 30 – because when it’s over, (and I am crying again), our hearts are back in a place of treasuring each other and realizing that every day we have together is such a gift.   That life goes so fast.  This realigning of our hearts is a gift.

It’s what happens when you are siting at a wedding and watching the faces of the young bride and groom and remembering.  And you hold her hand.    It’s what I see on my friends David & Andrea’s faces when they look at each other now that she has made it through her Leukemia battle and lives joyfully in remission.  It’s even what we felt when I had to go back for that second test because it might have been… ,  but we got the phone call and it was all clear… and that is the realigning that causes our hearts to cherish each other all over again.    It’s gratitude.   It’s awakening.   It’s awareness that life is a gift and marriage is a gift and the one you’re married to is the greatest of gifts God could have ever given you.

It’s like getting new eyes, like a new pair of glasses that brings into clarity that which you didn’t even realize had slipped into blurriness and dullness and completely void of the sharp colors of life.   NOW you can see!    You forgot what you were missing!   How beautiful!

This is how we see each other when our hearts are realigned and our sight is restored.    I look at this man I’ve been married to for 30 years and still see the boy I dated in high school.  I can still see him dressed in his gas station attendant uniform (a lovely orange and brown combo), showing up at my door with roses and the giant Bunny Rabbit which he aptly named Chase.   I remember the look on his face as I walked down the aisle toward him on April 30, 30 years ago.  I remember the bond of heaven that was sealed forever between us when we first held our baby boys in our arms and knew the wonder of something other-worldly that we did not deserve but that we were invited to partake in.

It’s gratitude.  It’s awakening.  It’s wonder.   It’s nothing less than God’s goodness and God’s love and only God can GIVE us this realignment of our hearts to truly FEEL and experience and know down in the depths of our souls what love really is. And how blessed we are.

It’s also a forgetting.  A wiping clean of all the hurts that came from the hard times and the harsh words and the moments of selfishness instead of gratitude.  In these moments of realigning, they seem to become strangely dim.  Unimportant.  Still a part of our past but now replaced with a new perspective on how small and insignificant when seen in the light of the greater picture and the brevity of life and the cherishing of each day.

It’s a remembering.  Of all that is good and true and all that first drew us to one another like a magnet so that we never wanted to be away from each other.  It’s a recalling to mind of the dreams we began with and the secrets we shared and the ways we saw the best in each other and believed in each other no matter what.  It’s a choosing to let it wash over us again and see that we are still the same, though a little older and a little battered and a lot wiser and whole lot sexier, as Steve will declare.

Oh, how we love each other when our hearts are aligned and our eyes can see!   Oh, how I long to live from this place every day,  to ABIDE and remain in this love, this love of Jesus – which He has poured out into my heart and now wants me to pour out on my SteveO.   How I have come to know and be fully convinced that this is how we will love all the time in heaven, like every moment of every day, we will be immersed in love and made perfect in love and know only love when we look at each other.    Oh, how I get it now when He told us to ask that His kingdom would come and His will would be done here – and now – as it is in heaven.   Here and now.

Today, right now, we ask you, Father:  realign our hearts to love each other with the pure love that we have tasted and seen and we know is true.  Keep us in this love for each other and help us to choose this realignment – to choose to cherish one another –  daily.    Thank you that when we abide in you, we abide and realign in your love, and then we can love and see our spouse in the truest and most eternal of ways.

“Beloved, let us (unselfishly) love and seek the best for one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God (through personal experience.)     1 John 4: 7  AMP

> Today’s blog is prompting a response.  What can you do today to realign your heart and see your spouse with the same eyes you saw them with when you first fell in love?  (This is possible, by the way, because the blood of Jesus cleanses us all from unrighteousness!) Maybe we start with thanking God for all the amazing things that are true of our spouse and making a list of all we are grateful for.  Ask Our good Father for this gift of a renewed heart and mind.  Maybe you want to write your love a letter and tell them all the beautiful things you love and cherish about them. Maybe they are sitting next to you right now, and you just hold their hand.   And maybe you check out Netflix, make some popcorn, and watch the Notebook together!    Whatever you do, may you be given the gift of cherishing today.

On our climb up the trail to Multnomah Falls,  I did seriously consider turning back.  It sounds so lame now, but at the time it felt like I was trying to be ‘wise’.  This was not my first hike!   I remembered how it felt to become dehydrated and so weak I didn’t think I could take another step.  This had happened before, when we were hiking in Vermont.  That was also the time Steve had said he would go ahead of me and see how much further to the top.  It had seemed like forever until he returned, and I had become a little worried (and a few other things…).    Another time, I had experienced the pain of plantar fasciitis, a condition in both my heels from over-doing it while hiking in Whistler, B.C.   What if I was over-doing it again?    What if we hadn’t brought enough water?   Maybe we should just be smart, not risk it, turn back.   I remembered the pain of past experiences and did not want to go through it again.

I had a choice to make:  turn back and play it safe?   Or continue on -with the known risks – in hopes of what could be, what might be the breathtaking reward!!   I see it clearly now:  I almost gave in to the fear of ‘what if’ and nearly missed the reward of risk.   I’m so glad Steve encouraged me to take the risk, to believe the reward was worth it, and not give in to the ‘rational’ fears.

Seems like our marriage is similar:  We made an initial choice to say, “I do.”  Out of all the people in our lives, we had chosen each other.   We had chosen to to say the words, “For better or worse….” and we chose one another in great joy!

And now we have learned that marriage is not just a one time choice, but a lifetime of choosing each other – daily.   Over and over again.   Choosing to say Yes, again.   Even when we remember the difficult times and the enemy of our souls is whispering, “Remember how much that hurt last time?   It could happen again.”   Even when Self-Protection is screaming, “I wouldn’t put your heart out there again.   He may let you down.”   “She may lose it again and blast you with her anger….  Just play it safe.”   Especially then.

Especially then!   Love is a choice!  Not just a feeling!    It is a deliberate act of our will and heart to remember that this is the one whom we chose once and the one we will choose each day!   To remember that there will be mistakes made, forgiveness needed, and hurts to push through.   To keep going knowing we don’t have to protect ourselves!   Because each of us walks continuously with the Healer, He binds up our broken hearts as we go!  Because our lives are hidden in Jesus and nourished by Him, our thirsty souls can always find refreshment and restoration, even when the marriage feels like a dry and thirsty land with no water!

To choose is to have faith.  Faith that God is with us, marriage was His idea, and He will bring good out of every hard situation if we continue to choose to let Him!  To choose to invest our hearts again is to believe that the One who made us one is so FOR us, what could stand against us?   To choose each other daily is to choose to believe the best about each other, to trust the heart of the other, and to forgive the shortcomings as we go!  To choose our mate again today is to say, “YOU are worth it!  You are the one I’m sticking with!   You are the one I’d lay my life down for!   You are a wonder and a masterpiece in the making, and with God’s help, I see all the amazing things He created you to be!”  To choose is to say, “I believe in you!   The past is past, we are going up!  We are making the turn!  I’m in it for the long-haul, and I’m not going anywhere!”

To choose your man, your woman, again, is so right, so like the One who chose to give His all for us, while we were not choosing Him.  To choose to remain and faithfully love -no matter what- is to be like the One in whose image we were made.   And THAT feels like it’s worth the risk – to be ourselves, and trust God with the rest.

Today, look your chosen mate in the eye, and say it again, “I’m so glad I chose you.   I choose you again.   And I will choose you tomorrow and the next day and the day after that!  I. Choose. You.”

“For wives, this means being supportive to your husbands like you are tenderly devoted to our Lord…. And to the husbands, you are to demonstrate love for your wives with the same tender devotion that Christ demonstrated to us, his bride.”   Ephesians 5: 22, 23