“Who’s your source?”   When I was little I thought I might be a writer, like John Boy Walton.  Or maybe work at a newspaper.   I loved the movie “The Post”.  It showed the power of sharing information at the right time.  Getting the scoop – from the right source.

By now, you obviously know Who our source is:  Jesus is the source of everything for Steve and me – and our marriage.   I think – no, I KNOW – this is why we’ve made it to 30 years.  If left on our own, we would have run out of …. everything….   long ago.   But Jesus is our endless supply.  He is the only One who can meet each of our needs, so that we have something to give to the other.   He is the only One who will not let us down or fail us, so we are safe and secure when the other does.  He is the only One who has the real, abundant LIFE that we all crave – and we are so thankful He has come to live inside of us and give us this LIFE, like a well of living water springing up within us.   That way, we come to our marriage with souls that are full and overflowing to be a blessing to the other.  Instead of looking to our spouse to ‘fill me’,   ‘sustain me’ ,   ‘complete’ me….  No, Jesus has already done all of that for each of us, individually, so that we come to each other ready to give, not take.    Ready to share life, not grasp for it in neediness.  Ready to journey together toward our One whom we love and Whom we have chosen to serve:   toward the Source of all Life and Love:   Jesus.

Honestly, if we look to each other to be our source of life, it just won’t satisfy.  But we hope today you might be reminded you can be.   Satisfied.   In Him.

“Jesus answered, ‘If you drink from Jacob’s well you’ll be thirsty again and again, but if anyone drinks the living water I give them, they will never thirst again and will be forever satisfied!  For when you drink the water I give you it becomes a gushing fountain of the Holy Spirit, springing up and flooding you with endless life!”    John 4: 13-14

Today we are sending you a resource.   This sermon from the Upper Room is one of our favorites on marriage.   We pray you will be blessed as you listen together!!

http://www.urdallas.com/podcast/2018/2/25/marriage-series-pt1-michael-lorisa-miller

Seriously.  Marriage should be FUN!   I thank God every day for a partner who keeps me laughing, who reminds me to have fun, and helps me remember to not take myself too seriously.    We will blog about this more in upcoming posts.

But today, we seriously need you to know we take at least one thing seriously.  As in, we are both passionate about it.  Seriously.  And here it is:

We are FOR marriage.  (I know, you’re thinking this is obvious…)  No, we mean it.  We are passionately FOR the institution of marriage, the success and joy of marriages, and the purposes and plans God has for it.

Imagine for a moment the famous ceiling of the Sistene Chapel where Michaelangelo painted the magnificent scenes of the Genesis creation.   People have come from all over the world, for over 500 years now,  to stand in awe and behold the wonder of such a masterpiece.  It is awe-inspiring, God-inspired, beyond beautiful.

Now imagine if someone came in and decided that, while Michaelangelo’s creation was fine, they might add some different scenes to the ones already there.  Spruce it up a bit, bring in the modern look.   Add some different textures, update it some, but still call it Michaelangelo’s  Sistine Chapel masterpiece.

This ‘creative modern artist’  would be arrested in seconds!  People would be appalled!  No one would stand for changing even a single inch of such a masterpiece!  To honor the artist, the integrity of his work must be preserved for all time.  

You know where this is going.  But this is a good time for overstating the obvious;  because what used to be obvious isn’t so obvious anymore.

God is the great Creator and Designer of Marriage.   It was His idea, His creation, for His purposes.  It is the bringing together of his two greatest works of art – a man and a woman – to form a new entity, a new creation – called marriage.

“God formed Man out of dirt from the ground and blew into his nostrils the breath of life.  The Man came alive – a living soul!   Then God planted a garden in Eden, in the east. He put the Man he had just made in it….   God said, ‘It’s not good for the Man to be alone;  I’ll make him a helper, a companion.. . . God put the Man into a deep sleep.  As he slept he removed one of his ribs and replaced it with flesh.  God then used the rib that he had taken from the Man to make Woman and presented her to the Man…. Therefore a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”   Genesis 2: 7-8, 20-22, 24

This was God’s original design, His masterpiece.  Two people coming together to rule the earth, subdue it.  To be fruitful and multiply and spread the rule and reign of His Kingdom all over the earth.  God’s original plan.

We then get excited when Jesus, who came to show the world what his Father was like, re-affirmed this design:   “And he said this:  “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’  ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’  So they are no longer two, but one flesh.  Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.”  Mark 10:6-9

And after the resurrection, in the early years of the church, the Apostle Paul (who himself was single) confirmed the will of the Creator when he quoted Moses and Jesus by writing  the exact same truth in Ephesians 5: 31-32, the great chapter on marriage.  “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her .. Husbands have the obligation of loving and caring for their wives the same way they love and care for their own bodies, for to love your wife is to love your own self.  No one abuses his own body, but pampers it – serving and satisfying its needs.  That’s exactly what Christ does for his church!  He serves and satisfies us as members of his body.  ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ . Marriage is the beautiful design of the Almighty, a great and sacred mystery – meant to be a vivid example of Christ and his church.”

We, as married people, and any of you who may be married one day,  are part of a much bigger picture here, something bigger than ourselves!!  Our calling is to have marriages that depict the love and service and covenant commitment that God has for us, His people.   The world should be able to look at our marriages and say, “Oh.  THAT is what God is like.   Amazing!  Magnificent!  Beautiful.”

God is for marriage!   We stood before Him and made our vows to one another.  We are joined now in a covenant.  God’s has also made a covenant with US!  His love for us is committed and faithful.  He sealed his ‘vows’ to us first through a covenant with Abraham, then one with Moses.   Then on the night that Jesus was betrayed, he made this statement:  “This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you…”  Luke 22:20   Jesus shed his own blood to seal His covenant of love with us, proving that He had chosen us, would always be faithful to us, and would become one with us forever – never to be separated.

Our marriages are to be a picture of THAT.  Choosing one another daily, faithful always, becoming one, till death do us part.    We realize the world we live in -and thus our relationships within this world – are often a bit broken.  We don’t always live up to our end of our covenant with God or each other.  That’s why Jesus’ came.  Both fully human and fully God, he fulfilled His end of the covenant and ours.  Both.    Now, he is the Redeemer of even our broken relationships and unkept vows… and when we allow Him, He restores us and gives us innumerable chances to start again, and become like Him in the ways we love and serve and care for one another.

We are grateful that Jesus got it all right for all of us.  That there is hope for our broken messes and new beginnings for those who came out of marriages that didn’t make it.  For this we are so thankful.  But instead of lowering the standard and changing the original design & definition of marriage, let us proclaim even louder and more clearly God’s original masterpiece!   Let us work to preserve the perfection and integrity of this beautiful work He designed, even when we must confess that we come short of it sometimes!    For when we are loving as he loves and staying committed as he has to us, we are part of a magnificent Masterpiece that represents our Creator!  He ENTRUSTED us with the commission to bear His image, to show the world what He is like through our marriages, and He empowers us daily to do that which he has trusted us to do !!   Our Artist and Designer is working with us and in us to re-present Him every day.   Because He is with us, continually cleansing and restoring us, we can do this.

There are a lot of replicas out there.   A lot of new adaptations on the original piece.  The enemy loves to have a counterfeit for every true and good thing our Creator ever made.  But we, his representatives must preserve the integrity of His creation, and thus continue the purposes for which He made it!  There is only one definition of marriage – a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.

“Marriage is to be held in honor by all (that is, regarded as something of great value), and the marriage bed undefiled (by immorality or by any sexual sin)… ”      Hebrews 13:4    

Seriously.

I have an issue.   It’s turn signals.  I’m sure you have yours.   This is mine.  I just don’t get it.  I don’t understand why people don’t use their turn signals.  It’s not like it’s hard;  it’s like the flick of one finger.  It’s not that they don’t know they are going to turn;  they started slowing down quite a while ago.   Why not just use it?   Think of the blessing it could be to those around them!  We’d all be on the same page, we’d all be communicating clearly;  life on the road could be so grand!

A few years back, Beth Moore helped me deal with my turn signal issue.   I’m not saying I’ve arrived, but I am on the road to recovery!   She was teaching on the scripture we ended with yesterday:  one of my favorites:  James 3: 17

“But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others.  It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds.”

Willing to yield.   Willing to let others go ahead of you.  Beth gave a powerful teaching on the example of Jesus, who, being in very nature God – did not consider equality with God as something to cling to.  Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;  he took the humble position of a slave.

Jesus was intentional.  He thought ahead of time about this.  He made a decision long before presented with the situation that He would yield, surrender His life, for the purpose of gaining life for us.  He laid down His life so that we could be raised up with Him.  He decided long ago this is what he would do, and when the time came, with His Father’s help, he did it.

Beth challenged us to look for ways to practice yielding.  I thought EVERYONE would be excited about applying it to the turn signal issue, but I may have been the only one.  I just know that ever since then, whenever I am driving and someone cuts me off, or dangerously turns in front of me, or – the unthinkable – forgets to use their turn signals,  I now look at these as opportunities to yield.   To let the other guy go free.  To be actually excited to show grace, cause you can only do that when the other person doesn’t deserve it!   To look for all kinds of  ways to let others go first and put myself last :   like letting someone go in front of me at the grocery line, or offering to take back a cart, or possibly in my marriage….

Practice is so helpful.   Practice is being intentional.  What if today, I were to stop and think about ways I could yield and lay down my life for my mate?   What if I LOOKED for opportunities to show grace:  undeserved favor,  at times when he didn’t deserve it, maybe after he makes a mistake (though rare of course), times when it was his turn to make the bed, and I just do it instead.  What if I set aside time each day to pray for him and ask Father how I could serve my man today unconditionally, like in ways that aren’t ‘fair’, or expected, or deserved.

Here’s my issue in marriage.   It’s communicating.  Or not communicating.  It’s when he forgets to call or let me know what’s happening.   Like a turn signal, I just have the hardest time understanding why he can’t just make a quick call.  I’ve been asking this question for 30 years.   It’s not that he is irresponsible, or doesn’t try to be considerate.  It’s just that every now and then when he forgets, I feel forgotten.  Rejected a bit.  (are you hearing a theme here, gentlemen?)    Like a turn signal, it can help so much to communicate what the other is thinking or going to do!

BUT, what if I were to decide today:   I’m going to yield and give grace.  I’m going to let go of the expectation that he be perfect (or men, that ‘she’ be perfect).   What if, even if I FEEL like demanding justice (or at least an apology),  I go to my knees with my Father instead, and yield.  Lay down my rights.  Receive again the grace given to me – that while I was still making mistakes and didn’t deserve it, Jesus died for me.  In my place.  Instead of me.  When I deserved judgment, he gave me mercy.  When my sins made me guilty, he took the punishment instead.

I love the good news of the Gospel of Jesus.   It doesn’t make rational sense.  It is for those of us who didn’t deserve it, us with our issues.   I love that God wants our marriages to be a picture of the Gospel:  a visual example of how to love and serve and yield to the other, especially when they do not deserve it.    This kind of unconditional love is counter-cultural.  In an age of making sure we have our ‘rights’, how beautiful the marriage that lays theirs down for each other.

I still have my issues.  But I have a grateful heart and a greater love.  And it compels me.  To look for ways today to bring glory to Jesus.   To do it for Him.     To yield.

“When you obey my commandments you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love.  I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my JOY.  Yes, your joy will overflow!  This is my commandment:  Love each other in the same way I have loved you.   There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”   -Jesus       John 15:10-13 

… or one’s spouse….

“Ok.  Thanks.  Yes,   talk to you soon,”    Steve ended the call.   “Sorry, that was  . . . Hang on, John is calling . . .”  He picked up the next call.

We were on our way to the theater, looking forward to seeing a good movie, on a date.  On a date.   We only live like 8 minutes from the theater, and between the two phone calls, this equated to no talk-time on the way.   He graciously dropped me off at the door, as he usually does, and I engaged in the battle.   The old, familiar, will-I-master-this-thing battle that I fight way too often.

“Let it go, Lori,”  I told myself.  “It was a short drive.  He’s wrapping up his work day.   Just breathe…  be gracious.   You can do it….”

I realize I just put on paper one of those conversations I often have with myself.  It looks rather ‘out there’ as I see it now on the computer screen!   Well, there you have it. I talk this way to myself all the time.  Anyone else?   I used to think I may be the only one with this unusual (slightly delusional) habit;  but now that I’ve been working with other married women for over 20 years, I happen to know I’m not alone!  In fact, I’ve had 3-4 conversations with some of our younger brides about this very thing – in just the past week.   (Men, if you’re reading this, take note.  Your wife is not the only one.  This one is possibly universal.  This battle began quite a few years ago, in a garden, with the first wife….  And her defeat became ours.  Her curse became ours as well.   We’ve desired to control things ever since….)

I bought the tickets, secured the popcorn, and by the time he met me at the counter, I was doing great!  We enjoyed the movie, shared the popcorn, and held hands.  I do love my husband!

On the way out, I made my usual stop by the ladies’ room, went out to the front to meet him, and found him. . . (drum roll please),  on the phone.   Now, in all fairness, this is not normal.  He usually leaves his phone at home, is fine being without it, and I am usually the one texting the kids and keeping it by my side wherever I am.  But at this particular moment, I did not recall any of that.   I only knew the battle had begun again.  He smiled while talking, held the door open for me, and walked a bit ahead of me, one hand on the phone, the other fishing for his keys.  (equals no hands available to hold).   (on a date.)  I walked quickly behind him, he opened the car door, and I got in.

(If blogs had musical background scores, you’d hear the battle scene music intensifying here….)  I knew I was in it.  I knew he didn’t normally do this.  (on a date).   I knew this was a James 1 moment:  “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry…”   (I have that one memorized…).   So I was just quiet.   He hung up in a few minutes, was very engaging, and asked if we needed anything while we were out…  I remained quiet.  He knew.  I knew.  I had a choice.   Actually, I had had an EXPECTATION.   In my mind, the rules from yesterday’s “communicate your expectations ahead of time,” did not apply here, because after 30 years of going out on dates, this one should not have to be communicated.  (Steve thinks it a bit unfair that these ‘rules’ have certain clauses and can be changed at any moment.)  On a date.  We focus: on each other.  We don’t talk on the phone.  And the more I rehearsed it in my head, the more incredulous I became.   So, I was ‘slow to speak,’ but when he asked,  I told him.

I was even able to recognize and verbalize that I felt a bit rejected (hang with us guys, this is what goes through our emotions and into our brains, and is what fuels the irrational things that come out of our mouths….) (Is this helpful at all, men?).  Yes, rejected.  It seems crazy that in 30 seconds, the feeling of rejection can overrule 30 years of consistent love and attention.  I know.  Steve told me this sounds irrational.

Expectations.   It’s good to admit we have them, identify them ahead of time, communicate them, and attempt to honor each other’s desires and needs whenever possible.   But there is more.  (PMC Couples, take note, please).   Once those desires have been communicated and shared with our spouse, we need to then let them go.   Yes, I said let them go.   Let them go and trust the heart of the one you shared them with.   Share your hopes and thoughts, and, if you recognize that hopes have turned to expectations, nail the expectations to the cross.  Seriously.    Kill them.  Expectations are destructive, controlling, and a certain death to any freedom we may have had to just be…  to just enjoy one another.  At some point, girls, we’ve got to learn to go with the flow.  To die to selfishness.  To look at the man God has given us and remember he’s a good man, with good intentions, and he may not always think the same way you do.    It’s ok.  You’ve been given a good man.   So have I.

Instead of living with Expectations, I’m on a new quest to try living with Expectancy!  William Paul Young, in his anointed book The Shack, says it best.  He equates expectations with legalistic religion and rules.  God is explaining to Mack,  “Your two words:  responsibility and expectation.…became nouns…. they were first my words:  the ability to respond and expectancy.  My words are alive and dynamic – full of life and possibility;  yours are dead, full of law and fear and judgment.”

“Let’s use the example of friendship (I’m inserting ‘marriage’) and how removing the element of life from a noun can drastically alter a relationship.  (If we are married,) there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship.  When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking.  That expectancy has no concrete definition;  it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else.  But what happens if (we) change that ‘expectancy’ to an ‘expectation’ – spoken or unspoken?  Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship.  You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations.  Our living (marriage) rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements.  It is no longer about you and me, but about what (spouses) are supposed to do…”            (The Shack.  Pages 204-206)

I lost the battle that day.  I let my emotions rule; I opened the door and let them master me.  But I will live to battle another day!  I know God is teaching me even as I write this to recognize when hopes and needs turn into expectations, I want to renounce those immediately – when the thought first comes.   To replace them, instead, with a surrender to God, to love Him and my man more than whatever circumstances unfold.   To choose to be ready to go with the flow, to certainly verbalize my hopes and ask for what I need, but then to let go and go with it.   I’m seeing it now as a choice to say NO to expectations, YES to communication, and YES to then whatever transpires.  To choose to give my man freedom ….  that’s the way Steve explained it and it has helped me to see.  He felt pressure to meet certain expectations, instead of freedom to bless me and freedom to be and freedom to enjoy the time together.

We’ve now agreed to only allow TWO expectations to remain:  1. Expect the best of each other.   That, when in doubt, we expect and choose to believe that our spouses’ intentions were good, even if the outcome were different than we had anticipated.   and 2. Expect nothing!   Expect that life happens, and things come up, and we may need to take a phone call, and plans might most certainly change.    In fact, they will.   You can expect it.

” What is causing the quarrels and fights among you?  Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you?  … But the wisdom from above is first of all pure.  It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others.  It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds.”  James 4:1, 3:17

We pulled up in front of the house and turned off the ignition.  “Ok, just to make sure we’re on the same page, how long are you thinking we will stay?”

“I was thinking like an hour or a little more?  But I know you have an early flight in the morning.  Does that sound good to you?”

“Sounds good!  And do you want me to give you the signal when we’re getting close to that time?  Or no?”

“Please.  Yes.  You know I go into ‘social mode’ and lose track of time.”

Expectations.   They are huge in our marriage, and we’re pretty sure they are a huge subject in every marriage!   It has literally taken us 25 of our 30 years to get to the point where we:  1. Admit we have expectations (Steve thinks that on the average, we women may have a few more!) (I expect he is probably right…)    2. Are self-aware enough to realize what they are.  3. Think ahead and COMMUNICATE what we are thinking before we enter into the situation, and    4. Take time to ask the  other what they are thinking in case they forgot #3.

Conversations like the one above have helped us immensely!  Like – really helped us!  We feel more unified, on the same team, and less vulnerable to sad miscommunications that lead to frustrations and possible arguments.

We’ve been doing pre-marital counseling for over 20 years.  (Someone suggested we should ‘just get married already!’;  to which Steve replied we keep learning from each of the couples we meet with!)  We love being mentors to these young couples.   Steve thinks we’ve met with over 30 couples;  I can only remember 28, but whatever the number, they have enriched and blessed our lives (and our marriage) in ways we cannot count.   Our goal is to walk through the engagement season with a couple, meeting 10-12 times over a period of 6-12 months, ideally.    In this extended period of time, we are really able to get to know them, walk through good times & bad times and practice how to handle it all. We love the idea of  establishing a mentoring relationship that will last past the “I Do’s” and will be available to them throughout their married lives.   We do not claim to have ‘counseling’ degrees, but we promise to be mentors and friends who will share with them what God has graciously taught us and continue in relationship with them as they walk the journey of marriage.

Obviously, that’s one reason we are taking time to blog.  We hope many of our PMC couples are reading this right now, and smiling, and remembering, and knowing we will be checking up on them soon to see if they did!

In our many years of mentoring, the subject of ‘Expectations’ seems to be one that we discuss more than any other.  It sneaks into nearly every situation and usually can be traced back as the source of most conflicts.  Each of us enters into marriage having ‘done life’ a certain way, thinking our ‘way’ is normal, and expecting that everyone probably does it the ‘same’ way!   We each have our previous ‘normal’ that now is melding with another’s, and, therefore, we each have expectations of how life should work, whether we are conscious of those expectations or not.

The obvious ones include where we will spend Thanksgiving and Christmas eve, and whether you open your presents on Christmas day or the night before, and whether you always eat at the table or usually in front of the TV…. the list is endless, and most of you have been married long enough that you’ve learned to discuss these things and work through them, learning the give-and-take of marriage.

We’ve encouraged our couples (and ourselves) to think ahead and try to communicate any desires or expectations they may have ahead of time.   As Steve continually reminds me, “Your spouse cannot read your mind!”   Learning to ask for what we are hoping for or needing is a sign of a healthy relationship.   We have a lot of conversations in our heads, but not always out loud!   We make a lot of plans and look forward to certain things, but we may not have remembered to actually talk  to our spouse about it!

And when that happens, we can experience the disappointment of unmet expectations.  If I were looking forward to spending an evening of quality time with Steve, and he is needing an evening to catch up on emails, and I fail to ask him his plans or express my desires, and if he is assuming we will just be home, relaxing and together (as in, in the same room), … we are heading for a disastrous disappointment.

If, on the other hand, we look ahead together at each week, and talk together about the plans for each upcoming day or event, we can learn to avoid many disappointments.  If I had asked Steve in the morning what his evening looked like, and if I had expressed a desire for some quality time (clearly defined if needed), then that may have helped him plan ahead.  If he had found that he really needed that evening to catch up and be prepared for work the next day, he could have given me a call and rescheduled a ‘date night’ for the next evening.   It is amazing how clearly communicating and honoring each other this way can make for a unified marriage!

Having said all of that, we are also in the very throws of learning some NEW things about expectations in marriage;  like, how possibly God has a bit more to say on the subject!  We realize we may have some ‘corrections’ to add to our previous ‘advice’ on the subject!    And if you check in tomorrow, we’ll try and explain!

Until then, we are curious:  anyone else deal with similar situations?   If you are wanting some practical application, try the following:

1. Think of a recent disagreement or argument you may have had.  Looking back on it, did either of you have any unmet expectations that you may have failed to share?
2. Look ahead at your next few days or events.  Are you planning anything in your head or hoping for certain outcomes?  Share with each other what you are hoping and thinking, and look for ways to bless the other by honoring their desires where you can!
3. If needed, ask for any forgiveness needed for expecting them to read your mind or for becoming frustrated or angry over things they didn’t even know about!
4. Pray together and thank God for opportunities to bless, serve,and honor the other above yourselves.  And don’t forget to have fun doing it!

“Be free from pride-filled opinions, for they will only harm your cherished unity.  Don’t allow self-promotion to hide in your hearts, but in authentic humility put others first and view others as more important than yourselves.  Abandon every display of selfishness.  Possess a greater concern for what matters to others instead of your own interests. Consider the example that Jesus, the Anointed One, has set before us.  Let his mindset become your motivation.”            Philippians 2: 3-5

Multnomah Falls.  We did it.   We made it!   We hiked all the way to the top.  We thought it would be easy, listed as a moderate trail, only 2.2 miles long.  I just had not accounted for the continual rise in elevation;  that to actually get to the 2nd highest waterfall in the country, to see the spectacular views from such a height, you would have to go – up.  As in not easy.   As in, why am I having a hard time catching my breath??   But up we went, and push on we did, though we had to stop and rest often.  There were more than a few times when I asked myself if we should we just turn back?  Eleven switchbacks!  Is it worth it?     Steve was so patient, “We can turn around if you want;  but I think you can do it!  We’re almost there!”   I wanted to do it for him almost more than for myself.  It gave me that extra determination, I guess, to keep going.     And was it worth it?  Absolutely.

The view was amazing.  The power of the waterfall – breathtaking!   And there was space at the top to just sit and rest and take it all in.   Time to recover and enjoy the view and smile at each other and say,  “Way to go.   I’m so glad we pushed through,”  without having to speak a word.

On the way back down, I noticed he was greeting  everyone we passed on the narrow trail.  I wasn’t surprised he was being friendly, but seriously, every person?    Then I got close enough to hear what he was saying.    “You can do it!   Keep going!   Yes, it’s worth it!   The last two switchbacks are actually down hill – so that means you only have 3 more, instead of five!   It’s worth it!”

I smiled.  My faithful encourager, giving hope to those who were running out.   Giving back to others what probably would have helped us had we heard it when we were where they were.   A voice of someone who had been there, done it, and was spreading the word for others that they could do it, too!    Even when they felt they could not!     The looks on their faces varied.   Some just looked at him and breathed harder.  Some didn’t even look up.     But some – some actually responded with,  “Really?   Only 3 more hard ones?   Is it really worth it?   Really beautiful?”   And he would smile, and with sincere excitement, cheer them on again!   “Yes!   You’re almost there!”

On April 30, 2018, Steve & I will celebrate our 30th Wedding Anniversary.    30 Years.  What an adventure we have had!    We thought it would be EASY!   We were so in love, best friends for years, and dated seriously for six!  (Yes, you read that right:  we dated for 6 years…)  We had the Lord, the same values, and great families for support!  We were ready for the heights!!  We were pumped and full of excitement.   We just hadn’t accounted for the continual rise in elevation;  that to reach our highest dreams and the beauty of a spectacular marriage, we would have to journey up – and on – through the hard times, the painful moments, and times when we wondered if it were worth it.   We didn’t realize the destination would require a pressing on, a perseverance; it would require all we had.

We feel like climbing all the way to 30 years has brought us to the most beautiful place, the most amazing view, and we are here to say, “IT IS BREATHTAKING!   IT IS WORTH IT!”    We have taken some time over these past months to actually sit and take it all in! To look back at how far we’ve come, to thank God for such a beautiful climb, and smile at each other while saying, “I’m so glad we are here!  I’m so glad we pushed through!” without speaking any words at all.

And now?   We are still journeying, but it feels like it’s getting easier, like we have crested a peak, and are able to enjoy, even RUN, downhill as we go!   And AS we go, we are so excited for YOU, and anyone taking this adventurous climb called marriage!   We are able to see and remember how it was to be in the earlier stages of it, and we are here to say, “YES!  You can do it!   We’ve been there!   It’s possible!  It’s not easy, but it is SO WORTH IT!!”

We want to take 30 days to celebrate our 30 years!   We want to share a few things we’ve learned, some mistakes we’ve made, and some grace God has kindly given us SO THAT you may be encouraged!     You may be breathing hard and a little skeptical of such a blog.  You may be thinking you’re already considering giving up.   We understand.   It can be so hard.   But you may just pause long enough, look up long enough, and let your heart be open to some encouragement:    “We’ve been there!   We didn’t do it all right; but we’ve experienced the beauty!!     We’ve seen some heights!   We want you to know:  YOU can do it!   It’s worth the effort!  It’s worth even the pain!   The promises of “breathtaking” are TRUE:  God, the architect, has designed the most amazing journey, the most spectacular adventures, and the most joyous peaks!  He has been our Encourager, given us strength when we had none, and filled us with hope when ours was running low!   He has blessed us along the way with more than we could have asked for or imagined, according to His power and goodness to us!

So we’re taking the next 30 days to blog and share.    If you and your hiking buddy want to join us on this leg of our journey, we’d love to reminisce, laugh a little, and  testify to how good it can be!  And wherever you are in your adventure, we can honestly and truthfully say, “Don’t give up!  It IS worth it!   And you’re gonna love it!”

Lori and Steve

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”                                                               1 Corinthians 13: 7

“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts….”     Colossians 3: 15

I’ve come to believe that there is no woman more attractive to her husband than a woman at peace.  A woman at peace is able to enjoy life, be present with her man, and handle the stresses that come with each day.   A woman at peace sets the tone for her whole home, changing the atmosphere around her to one of peace and contentment.   A woman at peace becomes a place he can let down and just be, without walking on eggshells in his own home.  I wanna be the kind of wife that he finds attractive, that he enjoys being with, that he  actually wants to come home to!

So how do we become women of peace, attractive to our men?   If you’re like me, I’ve tried the whole, “take a deep breath…  count to ten…  get it together…. come on, Lori, BE AT PEACE!!  AGGHH!”  Usually doesn’t work too well for me!   I recently came upon a truth in scripture that seems to be a whole lot more effective:  Colossians 3 tells me to “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts….”  Ok, so I’d LOVE for peace to rule…. how do I do that?

1. I see first and foremost it is not MY peace, but the peace of Christ that can rule over the rest of my emotions and thoughts!  One of the direct results of His Spirit living in me is that he brings me HIS peace.  “My peace I give you, my peace I leave with you.  Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”  (John 16)     “The fruit of (or direct result of ) the Spirit is love, joy, PEACE, …”  (Galatians 6)   It is one of His great gifts to us, not something I can produce, but something I can receive when I connect with my Jesus each day.  The one thing I CAN do is to take the time to look into His eyes & be filled again with his great love, and His peace just washes over me like a wonderful wave!  When I see again how much He loves me and how much He has done to make me His own, all the things that were robbing me of peace seem to diminish, seem so small in comparison; they ‘grow strangely dim’ in the light of His glory and grace!

Sometimes I forget that the best way to be a great wife is to first be a great daughter.  The best way to be the kind of wife he wants to come home to is to be the kind of wife that meets with my Father before he comes home!!    Funny, isn’t it, that I spend so much time trying to look attractive for my man – from the hours I spend trying to dress well, eat well, fix the hair well… to all the hours gazing in the mirror, when just a few moments gazing in Jesus’ eyes will make me more beautiful than all the rest put together!  The peace of Christ will rule over all other emotions and lies when I take the time to find my peace in the Prince of Peace.  He alone fills me and satisfies my heart.  Then I have a heart that is full to go and love the man who comes home to me.

There is much more in this passage that Father is using to teach me and transform me into a woman of peace. More to come in my next blog.  For now, it’s peace-giving to remember the simplicity of ‘One Thing” living:   Jesus is my one thing.  Seeking Him and abiding in Him is the One priority of every one of my days.  He alone makes me the woman He created me to be:  beautiful, joyful, peaceful.  The rest will take care of itself.   I really wanna be the kind of wife my husband wants to come home to:  which will happen when I’m the kind of wife that finds her peace in Jesus before he comes home!

“Love is patient. Love is kind…. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking…” 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

There’s a scene in the movie, “You Got Mail” where Joe Fox and his girlfriend (not Meg Ryan!) are stuck in an elevator with two others from their apartment building. On their way to the elevator, Joe had been attempting to tell her about his difficult day; you could see his discouragement in his demeanor, his posture, but she wasn’t really listening. When the elevator stopped and stalled, she was the first to yell, “What the ….?” promptly interrupting anything Joe was trying to say. The two others in the elevator were frightened, but Girfriend was oblivious; she didn’t see. When Joe uses the emergency phone to calmly ask for assistance, she grabs it from his hand and demands they be helped NOW, adding a string of obscenities to drive home her insistance.

When minutes turned to hours of being stuck in the elevator, the two other residents begin to share from their hearts, “If I ever get out of here, I’m going to call my mom and say I’m sorry.” “If I ever get out of here, I’m finally going to propose to my girl!” But Joe’s girlfriend couldn’t see beyond the four walls of self. She interrupts their soul-searching with, “If I ever get out of here, somebody’s gonna pay! How am I ever going to reschedule my hair appointment?” Joe just stares at her.

I want to be the kind of wife that sees. Sees beyond my self and my own little world. I recently had lunch with a dear friend who works at the office with my husband. As she shared, I realized there was a lot going on there during this season. I began to realize all the demands and deadlines my husband was dealing with when he said, “It’s just a busy time.” As I drove home, Holy Spirit was gently peeling back the blinders to help me see: my man’s daily grind was an especially difficult ‘grind’ right now… And I began to see. I could see myself, as he came through the door each night, more concerned with “Hurry, we’re late to meet ….”, and “Could you fix the printer real quick”, and ” I forgot to tell you John’s car broke down…..” I was sweetly convicted that I had been quite short-sighted lately… forgetting that maybe he, too, had had a long day.

I want to be the kind of wife that sees what’s going on with my man, what’s happening in his heart, and how I might be a blessing to him. He may not be the kind of guy who shares how ‘hard’ it’s been lately… No, a good wife needs to be able to see sometimes beyond the words. I want to take time when he comes through the door to actually stop what I’m doing and look at him, greet him with a kiss, and offer him a safe place called home where he can set down not only his briefcase, but his burdens. I want to see ahead well enough to create a peaceful place where he can take a deep breath, decompress a little, and know that here he can just be.

Now I realize that when the kids are young and the mom-stresses are high, this may not happen every night! Sometimes all you can say is, “Here! Can you hold this one so I can actually go to the bathroom?” But seeing means I can get even the kids involved in this : “Daddy’s almost home! How can we surprise him and bless him tonight? Who will hang up his coat? Who will get him his drink? Who can turn on his favorite music?” And maybe seeing is multiplied. Vision is doubled for the next generation of wives and husbands. Even ‘clean-up’ becomes more purposeful: “Let’s make a beautiful place for Dad to come home to! Who can clean up this area here?” Seeing also realizes there are days when this just isn’t gonna happen, but seeing has vision for what could be!

I realize that without Holy Spirit in me, I can still be short-sighted and self-focused. But because Jesus lives in me, I can ask for His eyes to see my husband and love him well, according to his need that day. 1 Corinthians 13 reminds me that His love is not self-seeking, which means it must be looking out for others more. Be Thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart. I want to be the kind of wife that sees my man today and plans with greater vision to love him well.

“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.” Proverbs 31:25

Steve and I were enjoying a care-free Saturday afternoon, out running errands, holding hands, just having fun. We had just come through one of those typical weeks of busy-every-night, too much to do, not enough hours to do, etc. etc. I knew I had been a little stressed, a little short-tempered, a little low on kindness. But I didn’t know how that had affected my man. Until, on this breathe-easy Saturday, he casually said, “I like this a lot better. You are more fun today. Can we just have fun?”

It was like one of those moments you pass by a mirror; like when you’ve been out in public all evening, thinking you were looking really good, only to discover as you saw yourself in the mirror, that you weren’t looking that good at all! The hair had been blown, somehow the mascara had run, and what made me think I should wear this? The mirror reveals. The mirror had shown me the truth about myself. I had no idea.

“Can we just have fun?” And I saw myself through the mirror of his eyes. I saw the truth about how ugly I had been that week, and it was NOT attractive. How long had it been since I had laughed? How had I come to take myself and life so seriously? He didn’t want perfection; he just wanted to have fun.

The Proverbs 31 woman could laugh. She could laugh at days to come, meaning, she wasn’t worried or taking them too seriously. She somehow was secure, at peace, and not anxious about what may or may not happen. How did she get there? The first part of the verse catches my attention: “She is clothed with strength and dignity…”. I’m guessing she looked good in that clothing choice, attracting and not repelling her husband! My footnote says that “clothed with strength and dignity” is the opposite of “clothed with shame and discgrace”. And a light-bulb goes on for me. Is it possible that I have dealt with my failures and fears by beating myself up to the point of shame and disgrace?

After 25 years of marriage, I’m finally discovering that much of the pressure I live under I have put on myself! I ‘imagine’ what I think Steve must be thinking, disapproving of, and I take on the guilt of it; while, in reality, he had never voiced disapproval at all! I realize when I don’t live up to the ‘wife’ image that i think I should reach, I internally beat myself up, berate myself, and get angrier and angrier at myself all the while. This downward spiral causes me to be short with the kids, the circumstances, and the husband who has that blank look on his face that says, “What? Did I say I was disappointed in you?”

Maybe I was putting a bit too much stock in getting it all right! Maybe the burned rolls don’t mean I’m a terrible cook. Maybe the bent fender does not confirm my suspicion that I can’t do anything right. Maybe the hair blown upside down should be funny and not the loss of all hope of beauty! And maybe I have forgotten that my identity and worth are not determined by how clean the house is or how perfectly the meal turned out! Maybe my worth comes from only one unchanging source: the love of my heavenly Father! And maybe when I remember that he paid the highest price to make me his own, I will remember the true value of my life, how much I am worth to Him.

And suddenly, I am free to laugh. I can laugh at the burned dinner, the dented fender, and the bad hair day. I can laugh when I forget to pick up the son from practice or call my best friend on her birthday! When my worth and my identity are not based on how well I do, but how much I am loved, I feel the pressure roll off. I take a big, deep breath. And I smile.

I hold his hand a little tighter, surrender the future to my Father, and begin to just have fun. I wanna be the kind of wife he actually enjoys being around, the kind who can see my mistakes as actually quite comical; the kind of wife who laughs!