We are in a new season . . . again.   That’s the thing about seasons.  They keep changing!  Just about the time you start to manage one, really get a handle on it, it changes again.  And when you have kids, well, that’s a whole mess of seasons in itself!   This most recent season, Steve has started a new job which requires a bit more travel.  I am eternally grateful that he turned down many of these kinds of positions in the past, so that he could be present during our boys’ growing up years and so that we could live close to our families.  But in this stage of life, we both agreed God had opened up this job for him and that travel in this season could be just fine;  especially since I can go with him sometimes!

So on our first ‘work trip’ recently, we gave this new adventure a whirl – together!  I am seriously grateful for the flexibility in my schedule to be able to join him sometimes, and still happy after all these 30 years that he still wants me to!   Other than the ungodly early hour of our flight out, (did we mention one of us is a morning person and the other is definitely not…?), we were having a great trip!   I had brought my computer and was able to do some writing, some editing on a bible study I’m writing, and some long hours of focus while he went into the local office and did his thing.  How fun!!   I knew he would be putting in long days, but I was also learning about the rhythms that help me write, and so was happy for the uninterrupted time!  When he got back to the hotel, we found a cute restaurant we could walk to, and caught up on each others’ days.  He shared that there were some reports he needed to finish typing up that night that would put him behind, and I appreciated him communicating expecations so clearly.   Yes, after 30 years, by golly, I think we’ve got this thing down!!

Until evening three.  The first two evenings, he had communicated clearly that he was swamped, and so I was content just sitting next to him on our comfy hotel bed and just being together, though doing separate things.   I was even PROUD of myself for being such an “understanding” wife that I didn’t complain a bit that he needed to work till nearly midnight.  So when evening three came around, I was under the ASSUMPTION that he would be caught up and we could be together without any extra work.  Looking back on the capitalized words in this paragraph, I should have known these two words, Proud and Assumption, would lead me to a fall….  but I didn’t see it coming.

He opened up his computer, I assumed for a brief closing up of the day;  he saw me open mine and do some online bargain shopping, assuming all was well.  An hour in, I finally put my head on his shoulder, and asked with the sweetest and most innocent voice, “Almost done?”   To which he kind of grunted in frustration, and continued working. Hmm.  Not the answer I was hoping for.   Another hour in, and now my thoughts and expectations and emotions were like a down-hill locomotive, speeding out of control.  Hadn’t I been beyond understanding the first two nights?  I had been so supportive and wanted to hear what he was working on and really had been praying for specifics for him…   Seriously, we’re going to work late three nights in a row?  Why had I even come?  And I did it.  I pulled the classic “turn my light out, roll over, heavy sigh, and pull the covers up and over my head.”

Now when we recounted this story to one of our current pre-marital couples, I noticed they were on the edge of their seats.   They looked me, then at Steve, and finally one asked, “Well, what did you do?”   And Steve just shook his head, “I didn’t know what to do.  I knew it was a no-win for me at this point, so I patted her on the back gently, said goodnight, and turned out my light.”   At which point the groom-to-be nodded his approval, while the bride-to-be literally gasped.  “OH NO….”      To which the groom-to-be said, “What?  They were together!  Right next to each other!”   And his fiancee’ said, “That’s not together!   Being in the same room does not equal TOGETHER….”

Don’t tell ME men and women are not wired differently!  These responses did not have to be taught to these two!   Steve & I laughed, not surprised a bit!  The groom-to-be looked confused, “What could he have done?”   To which Steve asked, “Why don’t you tell us all, dear, what you would have liked me to do at that point?”   (Assume edge of seat positions again…)   “That’s easy,”  I said.   “Three words.   Pursue.  Pursue.   Pursue.   Then maybe apologize  (that seriously curbs so many of these moments), then pursue again.  Young man,”  I finished, “Your girl will ALWAYS want you to pursue her. ”  And turning to my husband of 30 years, I reiterated, “I will ALWAYS want you to pursue me.”

“But I knew you were mad!  I figured you just wanted some space since you . . .”  “Nope, I wanted you to come after me & ask….”   “But we would have probably argued!  I knew you were already mad….  What is a guy to DO in that scenario?  No one wants to pursue THAT!”    To which I had to concede, “I see that.  You really don’t have a good option at that point.  You’re right.   I should have communicated sooner that I was becoming frustrated….   I had some expectations….”

And we continue to work it out.   And we continue to learn.   And we continue to apologize and clarify and ask for forgiveness….  even after 30 years.  Now, some of you are much more mature and quicker on the draw than we have been, I’m sure.  But for the rest of you out there that are possibly resonating with these common marriage moments of muck ….  let us bring some comfort today:   marriage is work.  We fail all the time.  We do marriage mentoring, have tons of experience, love Jesus with all our hearts ….  and we still make a mess of it…  often.

I used to think that working on our marriage meant we had this end goal of finally getting it all right.  Now I think God is teaching me that working on our marriage means we are making progress, and the goal should be learning to love each other well in the midst of the mess, along the way, as we go,  as the seasons continue to change….

There are no muckless marriages.  There is not a one that reaches perfection.  (If you find one, please read their blog instead of this one….)   But there IS a peace that passes all understanding when we let go of unrealistic expectations and ask God to help us love well.   There are tools we can use to gauge when we are headed off the LOVE road and onto the ENTITLEMENT ramp,  leading to the highway of disappointment and dread.

Practical app:  Listening Exercises and Clarifying Questions can help.   Did you know that over 70% of all communication is non-verbal?  Wives, what look is on their face when they say that?  Men, what does your wife’s body language say, in spite of the words coming out of her mouth?   Learning to recognize frustration or offense BEFORE it becomes emotionally charged is huge:   Example:  if Steve had taken note of the ‘head on the shoulder’ communication, he admits, he could have stopped and listened and then communicated how much longer (along with the assurance that he hated it that he had to work so late…).  And Girls, we are not powerless, and personally, I think we need to quit playing the victim game:  when Steve clearly did not  ‘get it’ that I was wanting his attention, I am a big girl.   I could have said something like, “Honey.  Can you take a break for a minute?  I am feeling frustrated, and need to talk it out…”

In a text-book scenario, Steve could have stopped, turned toward me, and looked me in the eye.  “Sorry,  what did you say?”   And I could have asked again, “Will you have to work much longer?  I had thought we could get some time together tonight.”

Enter the Clarifying Question: Steve could have responded, “OK.  I hear you saying that you are frustrated that I’m having to work so much.  You thought I wouldn’t have paper-work tonight, and wish I could be more present.   Is that right?”   “Yes, that’s what I’m saying.”    (pause here:   just taking the time to clarify and speak back to the other person what you hear they are saying makes the other feel HEARD.   Just feeling HEARD brings a connection that helps prevent so many arguments.   It is so worth it to look the other person in the eye and clarify what you hear them saying  BEFORE answering or making excuses or defending yourself…  not that I’ve ever done that…)

Again, a clarifying question helps the other person feel heard and understood.  Then the ‘offended’ one needs to allow the other to speak to the question, without offense!  “Sorry.  I am just so far behind.  I apologize that I am not very present.  Can you stay awake 10 more minutes, and then … we can go get ice cream?  Or talk?”   And the original speaker needs to have grace and meet half way, and understand that sometimes we don’t get our way!   This takes some intentional effort by both parties.   Wanna practice?

DO this Together:  come up with a current issue you are working through or a decision that needs to be made that you don’t necessarily agree on.  Take turns:  Person 1 states how you see it and feel about it.    Person 2 begins with, “Ok.  What I hear you saying is ….    Is that right?”   To which person 1 agrees or clarifies more until he/she feels heard and understood.    THEN Person 2 can state how THEY feel or see the situation.  Person 1 now asks the Clarifying Question, “I hear you saying . . .  Is that accurate?”  After both parties feel heard and understood, then KIND discussion can happen around ways to compromise or come to an agreement that hears both, but brings some closure.  Whatever the outcome, focus on listening well and loving well.

Ready?   Yes, seriously,  now is a good time.  Try the above, and begin to practice this kind of communication in place of letting frustrations mount and emotions rise!  We have found it to be helpful…  when we remember to actually practice and do it!  Try it now!

Take away?  Guys:  your girl really does want you to pursue her;  and being together is more than just sharing space to her!    Girls:  we need to stop having so many emotional reactions that we actually discourage our guys from pursuing us!~   If we can’t have real conversations without getting angry or defensive or accusatory, our guys WILL stop pursuing.   Girls, let’s start.   Let’s tell our guys we are wanting to hear more of what they are thinking and saying before we get emotional.  We need to offer them grace and space to speak and pursue.    And guys, no matter the season, the majority of us girls are pretty simple in at least one area:   pursue, pursue,  pursue.   Ask, ask, ask. And listen. When both of us can do that?    Well, we can weather most any season!