I am a recovering angerholic.  Recovering, because at any moment’s notice, I could be tempted to give in to it again.  At any moment.

I’m also a recovering control-freak. I didn’t know until this past decade of my life that these two issues, anger and control,  are closely related, intertwined even.   I wish someone had told me this 25 years ago;  I think it could have helped me.  I’m hoping it might help some of you today.

I also didn’t know years ago that underneath the two symptoms of anger and control is that nasty root, the one from which the other two grow… called fear.  I would never have agreed that I was fearful;  in fact, my personality is one that is pretty out-there, bold, courageous, not ‘afraid’ of too many things!!  Ready to take risks, not afraid to speak up, ready to take leadership if needed….  No, I am not a ‘fearful’ person.

Then I heard Danny Silk,  parenting and relationship author of a book called Loving on Purpose,  say this, “You can’t control anyone.  God doesn’t try to control anyone.  You have no ability to control anyone else…. except yourself.”    Wait, was that what I was trying to do as a new wife, as a young mom?  Control my husband, my children?  I thought I was being a good wife by making plans I thought would be in Steve’s best interest, or leaving certain books lying around that I thought he should read.  I thought I was being a good parent by having a plan, having expectations, requiring that they meet them….  I just had no idea they might have some thoughts or ideas of their own.

I had always had a pretty bad temper;  or, as my grace-filled husband would say, I had a passionate personality!  (God bless him…)  I just thought that’s who I was and how I was wired;  Steve & I were learning how to deal with it, communicate better, etc.  But when I became a mom, well, let’s just say some things started manifesting out of me that would have scared the least fearful person!

I LOVED becoming a mom!  It was and still is to this day one of the greatest gifts Father has ever given me!  I love my 2 boys with a fiery passion and an overwhelmed heart of love and great joy!!   I set out to raise them to know and love this Jesus who created them and loves them!  We homeschooled and included God in every aspect of our lives and learning…  since He is in all those anyway!  I loved being a young mom and all the joys that parenting brings!!   I maybe loved it too much….  or at least tried to control it too much.  And when my agenda or plan for the day was interrupted with a, “No.  No, I don’t want to….”  well, I didn’t handle it very well.  Why wouldn’t they want to do what their loving mother said…    like all the time?  And that’s when I would lose it;  never hurting them of course, but you know, like a volcano spewing, so were the words of my mouth and the volume of my voice!

I see it now:  I felt out of control.   I FEARED being out of control, of them not obeying or listening, of me not being a good mother, of failing….    ah…  there it is;  we are seeing the bottom parts of that root now:    and that FEAR led to me grasping for MORE control so that I would feel better, which led to more anger when that didn’t work, which led to  more fear of being out of control…..    you get the picture.

I did share this with my girlfriends.  They were gracious and kind and prayed for me.  I went forward at church for prayer, sure that I was ruining our sons by my temper outbursts.   Two sweet women told me that FIRST time I went forward, “Lori, this will be one area where you can show them why we all need a Savior…”  And I learned to ask for my boys’ forgiveness, and they always gave it.  I learned to walk the Calvary Road with Roy Hession and live of Lifestyle of Repentance, ie.stopping each time I lost it to ask for His gracious forgiveness and receive the cleansing that the blood of my Jesus bought for me.  I memorized every scripture on anger and rage,  “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…”    But the following sentence is one that really got me, “For human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires…”  And I would realize that I was actually producing the opposite kinds of fruit that I WANTED to produce- by my anger. I did Beth Moore’s bible study on Breaking Free, not once, but 6 times.   Yes, I was usually leading others through it, but don’t you know I was breaking free over and over and over….

Ready for some GOOD NEWS?   (umm, yes, Lori, please….)  God was gracious!  My boys aren’t ruined.  And I learned that I needed a sponsor for my angerholicness.  I learned that I could not be without this Sponsor for any length of time …. this Savior….  this Prince of Peace.   I learned to cling to Him and converse constantly with Him, and abide in Him – like 24/7, 365.   And then I learned that all my trying was fruitless unless I saw that He already saw me as FREE!!   HE had ALREADY set me free from anger and control and fear and sin….  it’s just that I kept beating myself up and believing the lies that I was a failure, I was a fake, I was one person at home and another at the bible study I was leading.  I let the enemy keep me in the dark alleys of shame, and then got angry with myself for not getting it all right.

Ah, I hope you read the Just Us Girls Blog from July 4:  Free 2 B.   I learned that I don’t have to ‘get it all right’, because Jesus got it all right FOR me!  I learned that Father already loves me COMPLETELY as His daughter, He already delights in me as I delight in my sons, and already has given me wings to fly and be FREE from sin’s strongholds and satan’s lies!    His LOVE – His unconditional, no matter what, could never sin too much to stop My love, kind of love FREED ME!   My Father’s love – that throws back His head and laughs with pure  joy over me – that says, ‘I know you through and through, and love you just the same, NOT BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU DO, BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE MINE!” – THIS kind of love, changed me!  This kind of love scooped me up in His Papa-arms, twirled me around, and shouted, “You are mine!   You are free!   You can let go of control!  You can let go of having to do it all right! You don’t have to perform or earn my Love!   You can TRUST ME!   For I love you, Lori, because you are my very own!   I see all that passion I put inside you,  and we are going to use it to change the world!  We’re turning your mourning into dancing, your ashes into beauty, your spirit of despair into a garment of PRAISE!    COME, Daughter!   Let’s fly!!!!!”

‘”Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God…  I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still you give Yourself away…. There’s no shadow you won’t light up, mountain you won’t climb up, coming after me!   There’s no wall you won’t kick down, lie you won’t tear down, coming after me!!!”

You can join me by listening to Cory Asbury’s full song, “Reckless Love.”  I highly recommend it!  For more good news, check in tomorrow…..   got some free dancing to do with my Papa……